I've really upset dh and don't know if I can make it up to him :(

[TheRedSalamander]

Dh and I had a row on Tuesday night and I don't know how to even begin to make things better. It was about the fact that I had to get up very early on weds morning to drive 5 hours to get to a meeting, and that I wanted him to help me get the childrens things ready for the morning (book bag, school lunch and nursery bags, uniform etc), he was doing the school run instead of me. I was upset that he wouldn't, when I had just done all the above (as usual) for the last two days plus two evenings of bath and bedtime as he was either playing golf or having drinks with friends after work.

None of that excuses how I behaved however.

When he refused to acknowledge the fact that I had a problem with this and basically ignored me, looking at the computer, I got more and more irate until he finally spat the words "ok I'll f*g do it just stop f*g going on about it" I guess I should have stopped there and be satisfied that he was at least going to help.

But I kept on wanting to talk about why (I felt) he was being so unkind- I even helped him get his golf kit together that morning before work ffs- blah blah blah blah snipe snipe etc. I was being rather controlled and reasonable about this however I didn't rant and rave. More of the same from dh, ie he continued totally ignoring me unless to say shut the f* up I am doing what you want fgs now go away.

Not proud of this but I was holding a towel and ds2's nursery bag and slapped his back with the towel a few times and chucked the bag at him, totally out of anger and frustration before storming off. So unlike me I don't know what happened.

He refused to come to bed that night, slept in the spare room and has refused to talk to me bar the odd text telling me how angry he is that I lashed out at him ever since

I feel so remorseful and ashamed about this, as he points out if the shoe was on the other foot (which it never has been- I trust him 100% not to be violent towards me) this would have been a hideous event. Although it didn't hurt him physically I've obviously really done some damage. What's nearly the worse thing is that I didn't even realise until he told me that it was the fact that I'd lashed out that was winding him up. "If you were a bloke you'd feel sorry for your wife" is what dh said and he's right.

He still doesn't want to talk to me or see me (we work fairly close by to each other and I wanted to see him at lunch time, plus I stayed in a hotel last might as planned because of my meeting on the other side of the country)

Am I able to make this up to him? I feel dirty and scared about this and don't know what to do next

thumb, I honestly think that if a woman had posted saying she had done/said what the OP's husband had (after her putative partner had spent previous two days doing all childcare, got up early for meeting etc etc), and that her husband had responded by hitting her with a towel and a throwing a kid's backpack at her, she would have got a lot of posts saying 'you behaved like an arse', and not a huge amount of sympathy (especially once it had been established that her putative partner had never done anything like it before, and had apologised).

yes I think you're right policywonk, if someone had posted that; but somehow I get the feeling that if someone had been in the DH's position they wouldn't have posted about the shit side of it until later - only the 'AIBU to not speak to my OH because they hit me with a towel and threw a bag at me' - and everyone would likely have said YANBU, he is a wanker etc, and only later might it have come out that the OP had behaved like a lazy-arsed twonk who actually had provoked the OH beyond belief.

I don't know, I'm getting all tied up with the PC-ness of it - hence the .

I think the OP in qu here didn't do anything so very terrible, she's obviously very sorry and shocked at her own behaviour and is unlikely to do it again and as I said before her DH is being an arse making her suffer for it, when he had provoked her in the first place. It's not like she stuck a breadknife in his ribs, after all.

I agree PW.

We are adults so we have to take responsibility for our actions. The OP has done this, she is sorry and had apologised. Several times, if I understood the OP correctly.

My reaction would be the same if the genders were swapped.

LOL at throwing a custard pie. And a cheese slice.

My mum threw my favourite Avon brush at me when I was about 10yo. And a cup of tea at my brother. We were seriously winding her up though, and when she started chucking tea cups we laughed like drains (which made her even more angry). We still tease her about it. She can (almost) laugh about it now.

Oh yeah junglist, take away my moment of glory with your cheese slice why don't you? (Am also totally boggled!)

Perhaps we should start a "Things I have thrown and have had thrown at me" thread (which I would win, obv.)

but she didn't hit him because he swore at her. She hit him because, after having had the conversation about him doing the book bags etc, at the point he was actually doing what she wanted him to, she kept on and on and on wanting talk about it, telling him how she'd packed his stuff as well yada yada yada. She said he was trying to ignore her and then told her to shut the fuck up. So she deliberately wanted to provoke a reaction, and when she didn't get the reaction she wanted she hit him.

There is absolutely no way that if the senario was reversed the op would get the same reaction. Yes there would be some people who said that it was understandable, but the majority would be all about the abuser (the husband) and how op should leave now/how she should leave now if she didn't want to end up dead. I've seen enough similar type threads on mn to know that there is definitely not an equal balance there.

Also, being calm means nothing. I know a woman who is being emotionally abused by her husband, and he is the calmest person I know, never raises his voice, never shouts, never swears, but he is the most sinister man I've ever encountered. An abuser doesn't have to be swearing - an abuser can be anything.

She just picked up the cheese and slapped me. Cos it was a slice it stuck

I agree wannabe.

In any case, since he was the one who was doing the school run etc, surely it was up to him to decide when he wanted to get the stuff ready? When ours were younger, if DH was doing school run, he preferred to get everything ready the night before, if I was doing it, I preferred to get it all ready in the morning. Neither is right, neither is wrong, just different preferences. In this situation, Op didn't have to get the stuff ready. She could have suggested to her DH and then left him to decide what he, as an adult, wanted to do and when to do it. If my DH had tried to tell me when I should be getting DCs school bags etc packed, i would have been very offended. if he had continued to the point of hitting me and throwing a bag at me because I did not want to conform to his timetable, I would have been very concerned about him being so controlling. No difference here, except that it is the OP who had a hissy fit because she didn't get her own way.

Totally agree Policywonk. Seems to me that the OP's DH is very manipulative, not to mention verbally abusive. The GROWN-UP thing to do would be for both parties to have a discussion about what happened, and to both apologise for their part in it.

Having a 2-day strop, when HE was the one who was verbally abusive in the first place, is a bloody cheek IMO. Slapping someones back with a towel and throwing a small bag at them is NOT abuse IMO.

(And btw, My mum once squashed a whole cake in my DSis's face, and rather than reporting her to social services, we all agreed - incl DSis - that it was deserved, but probably best not to be repeated ).

My mum threw a pair of shoes at me that both missed. To annoy her further, I laughed, calmly picked them up and put them outside the room. She was so enraged she went and got them and threw them at me agian.

She is now doing life.

This is all made up anyway.

Thanks for posts. Have been doing school run and tea etc so sorry I've not replied before. Plus I'm on iPhone as don't want dh to see that I've posted using his laptop, he wouldn't appreciate it, so sorry if grammar etc is rubbish.

I have already apologised utterly, and will again and again if dh wants me to. I feel terribly about this.

In our home we do not smack or physically discipline our children, or get physical with each other. It's just not what we do or the people we are.

I didn't even consider it to be violent- physical yes but not violent, he's a lot stronger than iam being taller etc. It was intended to hurt him, and it didn't, and if I had seen the ridiculous side at that exact point and laughed and said sorry I just lost it- we would both have had a fit of giggles and made up fine. ( he threw the towel back at me which I caught by mstake and this in itself would have been funny Because I am a notoriously bad girly type catcher. And thrower.)

but all that is immaterial really because if he thinks it was violent that's the important bit isn't it? If I was the bloke and my wife thought I was being violent then the perception is what matters.

But I am not convinced he actually thinks I was violent, just wants to make me feel rubbish and now I feel bad for even questionng the fact that I mght have been violent because I am not trying to say "you provoked me so it's your fault I whacked you with a towel and threw a bag at you."

just off to do bath and bed now. Dh is home, doom and gloom reigns for all adults in the house

Dump him. Life will be easier. You're walking a real tightrope. He expects you to do everything, and then is indignant and martyred that you lost your mind, after weeks (months? years?) of doing everything without his help. He's loving the role of injured party a bit too much

But you apologized immediately afterwards and that was, what, 2 days ago.

Sorry, but he does sound like a bit of a toss pot for having to be 'sold' on the idea of getting the kids ready for school and act as if he's doing you such a huge favor.

He really should stop sulking.

Christ, if my DH treated me like that I'd throw a bag at him too!

Open a bottle of wine when the DC are in bed (or make a cup of tea) and sit down and TALK to him.

If he will not respond then say to him that you know that it was wrong to throw something at him and you regret it. Tell him you are not going to go on about it, it was wrong, you have apologised and you want to move on from that.

If he still will not speak to you then he is a twat of the highest order and you are hereby given permission to throw a cheese slice at him.

and make it stick

I wouldn't bend over backwards trying to apologise.

You cracked. Why did you crack? Not saying you deserve a medal, but do you really want to just smooth over things and go back to the way things were, you doing everything, and having to absolutely lose the plot to get him to do his share?

Poor you.

It was him doing the school run but I was the one who needed to get the stuff ready. That's what he expects and for once he insisted I would not.

Just before DS was born DH and I were messing around and he flicked a metal coathanger against the back of my leg thinking it would be like flicking a towel... it wasn't! My God did it sting and left a huge long bruise, boy did he feel guilty when DS was born a few days later and the MW was looking at this long bruise on my leg!

The point is that what you think is just a 'little tap' with a towel or whatever can actually really hurt someone. Surely it would be best for OP to learn to control that aggression rather than one day ending up really hurting her DH?

You intended to hurt him, therefore I would class if as violent. If you had done it in a jokey way then that is one thing but you can't say because you didn't hurt even though you tried it's not violence.

Now this has happened once, I am utterly convinced I will not allow it to happen again. Especially since it has never happened before and is really out of character for me.

I am worried though that he is using this to get back at me. For quite a while last year I was upset and hurt with something he'd said, and this probably made his life a bit uncomfortable for a while. Difference is that he would not apologise and so the reason I was cross with him was that he'd upset me but I felt he didn't care enough to make it up to me- I wasn't distant to make a point I was distant because I was having to decide whether I held out another couple of months for an apology (which I know will never come) or whether I just get on with it. I chose the latter because the alternative of hoping for him to say sorry and being disappointed at every opportunity was and still is too hurtful to think about.

In that situation I would have been the one making our relationship difficult not him because I could have- and did - make a choice that smoothed things over.

he might be trying to get me back for that . Or he could be genuinely upset at my outburst and i feel bad that I'm even doubting that.

Not sure I wanted to hurt him. But I definitely wanted a reaction - not a physical one but I wanted him to talk to me, acknowledge that I had a problem with how he was behaving and but in a split second my approach changed from one of words to one of slapping him with the towel whilst he sat at the table on the laptop.

No excuse, whether or not it hurt him I shouldn't have lost control.

Have you tried expressing your remorse to him?

I think that after 2 days he needs to piss or get off the pot to be honest. Ignoring you is not going to sort this out.

I just want to reiterate what several have said before - as it seems to be getting lost in the "all violence is wrong" scenario.

Violence IS wrong. And NO rule is absolute.

I've thrown something, in anger, at another person twice in my life. This, despite the fact that I grew up in an violent household and was punched daily. So I don't think a violent background is an excuse for violent behaviour, nor do I feel it's justifiable in anger (I've been angry a bit more often than twice!)

The two people I threw things at were partners. Both capitalised on my loss of restraint, for which I felt deeply ashamed & quite disturbed. I made tremendous penance to both men for it.

I have only recently learned about emotional abuse. I now recognise that the two men mentioned were extremely manipulative, selfish & cruel. I now recognise that making a partner lose control is a trademark characteristic in emotional abuse. One member of these forums even received a letter from her abusive ex, in which he uniquely admitted to doing it.

It is usually a marker in the abuser's "progress". Once he's succeeded in provoking you into behaviour you yourself find unacceptable, he's in a good position to ratchet up your feelings of self-loathing, worthlessness ... and to gain sympathy from outsiders.

I'm not saying this is definitely the OP's position - but what happened was due to provocation beyond her personal boundaries. By focusing on the wrongness of one outburst, it is possible to play right into an abuser's hands.