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Original poster

Could you have predicted which of your friends/relatives would split up?

34 replies

NormaSnorks · 19/05/2010 09:32

I know it's easy to say this in hindsight, but I often feel as if it was obvious (to me, and others) which relationships weren't going to stand the test of time. When it happens, it's not a surprise...

So,

  • the work mate of DH's who was always a tosser, and has now upped sticks to go and 'find himself', leaving his wife and 2 daughters
  • my dear uni friend, and her husband, who were childhood sweethearts, married at 22 but never had kids (he didn't want any) but then he buggers off at 45 with a 30 yr old to start a family
  • my neighbour, who every school holiday took the kids back to her home country for up to 15 weeks a year, without her DH, and has now decided to leave him & the kids and stay there .

Could you or have you predicted which of your friends will split?
I'm not judging by the way, I just find it interesting when it happens, and so many people say "well, it was inevitable, wasn't it..?"

Is it a case that 'Love is Blind' or is it just 'post-rationalisation' do you think?

OP posts:
autodidact · 19/05/2010 09:34

I dunno really. My hindsight always seems much sharper than my predicting skills somehow.

weegiemum · 19/05/2010 09:36

I'm very good with a retrospectoscope.

UnquietDad · 19/05/2010 09:38

The couple we know who split most recently - because the woman had an affair - were the last ones we'd have expected to do so. Everything seemed perfect on the surface. In retrospect, that was just the problem - it was all on the surface.

Friends of DW's split up and it was all to do with conception and difficulty thereof. Again, couldn't have foretold that one.

In all, I know four couples who have divorced, including my brother and his wife. Each case was very different.

Fennel · 19/05/2010 09:41

No, it's nearly always the couples I think are very good together who split up, among my friends and family. The ones I think are dodgy stay together forever.

The couples who split are quite often the ones DP and I used to try and copy a bit cos they seemed so good together. I'm not sure what that says about us.

NicknameTaken · 19/05/2010 11:09

My family guessed that my marriage wouldn't work and they were entirely right. Annoying to be so transparent.

Alouiseg · 19/05/2010 11:16

It's funny but i'm 100% certain that lots of our friends thought that dh and i wouldn't last. We got together when he was engaged and living with someone else, we had a whirlwind romance and married when i became pregnant after only a few months.

We're still happy and going strong 15 years later while lots of our friends who did things "the right way" have fallen by the wayside.

I think it's more to to with the people themselves rather than their circumstances.

Miggsie · 19/05/2010 11:20

I remember a wedding where the friends of the bride and groom ran a book on how long it would last.

DH won...18 months.

I know people who are still together and madly unhappy but won't split as they don't want people to think they have failed.

ConDemNation · 19/05/2010 11:23

I don't know that many people who have split up...not yet, anyway. It seems like there is a thing that happens in the forties, or late thirties, to some people I've known which doesn't really take effect while the kids are still so small and they are still fairly in love. So perhaps it'll end up being everyone i know! Hope not...there are some lovely couples.

I'm not sure how long marriages last atm - is it an average of about 10/11 years? Many people I know have been together around 7/8 years.

Saying that there is a couple I know that seems like the proverbial creaking gate. She is always nagging, he moans about her, they bicker and occasionally she shouts, in public - privately I think 'another 2 years, max' but then I realise they are probably as bad as each other.
They must have been together around 9/10 years now. And I fancy him, which is bad.

ConDemNation · 19/05/2010 11:24

I don't know that many people who have split up...not yet, anyway. It seems like there is a thing that happens in the forties, or late thirties, to some people I've known which doesn't really take effect while the kids are still so small and they are still fairly in love. So perhaps it'll end up being everyone i know! Hope not...there are some lovely couples.

I'm not sure how long marriages last atm - is it an average of about 10/11 years? Many people I know have been together around 7/8 years.

Saying that there is a couple I know that seems like the proverbial creaking gate. She is always nagging, he moans about her, they bicker and occasionally she shouts, in public - privately I think 'another 2 years, max' but then I realise they are probably as bad as each other.
They must have been together around 9/10 years now. And I fancy him, which is bad.

ConDemNation · 19/05/2010 11:24

aw, shucks blooming server!!

pixiestix · 19/05/2010 11:25

My cousin got pregnant at the age of fifteen, about six weeks after she got together with her first proper boyfriend. I didn't even see it lasting until the baby was born, let along any longer.
They are still together six years later, and I am happy to say that I was completely and utterly wrong! Am still a bit shocked at how much of a star her boyf has been, actually.

TheFutureMrsClooney · 19/05/2010 11:25

I'm about to separate from DH and haven't told my mum because I don't want to hear "I told you so" after 24 years of marriage!

I don't think any of our friends will be surprised. The men will probably think I'm horrible but my marriage has made me realise how little you know about what goes on in the lives of others.

I think with couples I've known, half of them were no surprise the other half (including my lovely sister) I was astonished about.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 19/05/2010 11:26

One couple I know split and I predicted that. I know 4 other couples who have and 3 of them I would never had expected it.

3weeksandcounting · 19/05/2010 13:00

Is it just me or is this thread a bit smug ? Maybe I find it a bit off as have recently split up from H and would hate to think that any of my RL friends were having these conversations let alone 'friends of friends' who barely know me (Taking bets on how long a marriage will last ? I suspect anyone who has been through a painful breakup will identify with what I am feeling - or am I just being over sensitive ?)

Its not a particularly nice topic - I know - I don't have to read it etc but I did its annoyed me enough to post on here now.

ConDemNation · 19/05/2010 13:28

3weeks, sorry to hear about your situation

I thought that at first about the thread but actually I can see now it goes both ways - people are saying they fully expected some couples not to last, and they have been proved wrong which I think is a happy thing to post.

I see what you are saying though. I suppose with such a high divorce rate these days it's not always a given that couples will stay together...nor should it be I suppose...so people are bound to consider the likelihood, which is a bit of a shame.

ConDemNation · 19/05/2010 13:29

btw the bets thing did sound off! I thought it was just a joke though, shared with the couple? Maybe not.

Oblomov · 19/05/2010 13:33

we have friends of ours who are still together and no one can work out why.
condem, is 10/11 the norm now ?
oh dear. why then, then ?

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/05/2010 13:34

3 weeks, I am very sorry to hear about what has happened to you but, no, I don't think this thread is smug. You are possibly feeling extra sensitive atm, quite understandably so.

ShowOfHands · 19/05/2010 13:41

Oh 3 weeks, I'm sorry. Hide the thread. It's to be expected that you're feeling sensitive.

I'm only 29, dh 28 and we've already known two marriages to break down between friends of a similar age. In one case we were utterly, utterly shocked. In the other, much less so.

My parents next door neighbours were together 20 years before they married. And split two weeks later. That was a shock.

My parents are also strange. Resent sharing oxygen, never talk, always argue, have not had sex for 18 years (bleurgh that I know that), cannot bear to be in the same room etc. But they've been married for 33 years. They will never split up.

ConDemNation · 19/05/2010 13:42

No idea Ob - I might be wrong...stats published in 2004 were up to 11.5 years from 11.3 in 2003!

Not sure what it is now.

Original poster
NormaSnorks · 19/05/2010 14:51

3 weeks - sorry about your situation. As the OP I didn't mean it to come across as smug, sorry.

DH and I have had a lot of friends split recently (we're in our 40s, which I guess is mid-life crisis/ 'kids old enough to leave' sort of age..) and we are always saddened when we hear of another separation or divorce - not smug, I promise.

OP posts:
Fennel · 19/05/2010 15:42

I don't read this thread as smug, but then I don't think there's anything morally superior in staying together than in splitting up. I'm not a big fan of lifelong relationships at all - which is partly why I would never have predicted me and DP to last anything like this long - 15 years and still going. I thought we'd last a few weeks. if that. I even get it wrong about my own relationships. and cos we told everyone around us that it was just a casual thing, everyone else thought we'd split up too.

NorthernSky · 19/05/2010 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

theQuibbler · 19/05/2010 16:18

I think most people could come up with a pairing that they think won't last! And sometimes it's the right/wrong prediction.

I can think one pair in our group, though, where everyone knew it wouldn't last. It was the biggest wedding any of us had as well - the full works: Vera Wang; morning dress; picturesque country church; stately home; marquee; over 200 guests, etc. etc. But it felt all wrong and it was.

partytime · 19/05/2010 17:32

I doubt anyone ever put bets on me and stbexh splitting up, judging by their reactions when he walked out on me, 2 DC, and 26 years together!!!

OMG, not you and Mr PT, they'd say, can't believe it, you always seemed so happy, so close, such great friends, you both had everything going for you.

Or

OMG, not MR PT, I can't believe he would do that to you, he adores you, he is so attentive, considerate, tactile, loving.

And it was all true until OW rocked up.

Who could have predicted that?