SAHM envy eating DP up

[Haylo]

Brief history, DP of 19 years, two DCs 4.5 and 2.5, first in full time school and youngest in nursery two mornings a week. No family around us within 150 miles. DP works and commutes leaving house at 0700 and returning at 2000. l took voluntary redundancy when in maternity leave with first child and have been SAHM since.

l can honestly say l have been made to feel 'guilty' for 'just being at home with the kids' since l finished 'paid work' 5 years ago by DP. Despite the fact l do all the child care, all night feeds and wakings, 7 days a week, all household stuff and cooking. l don't do much with the children because l am constantly aware DP thinks l am taking the mickey.

DP comes in late, so obviously evening meal has been cooked, kids fed, cleared up, baths, reading and bedtime routine done, as he walks in l am often sitting down for the first proper time that day.

He simply cannot reconcile that l play as equal part in this family as he does. He told me today our partnership is not equitable and he doesn't hink being a housewife is a full time job. It depends for me on the cicumstances, because of his 13 hours out of the house are we supposed to load all household and child tasks to me. He really takes no responsibility for anything, bins, cars, garden, pets, holidays, birthdays etc etc.

I am constantly having to justify my time because he rings me multiple times a day to check what l have done. Whatever l have achieved you can bet is not what he thinks should have been. If l have taken DD to park for half an hour he makes some snide comment about being all right for some. He resents being at work so much he takes it out on me. His phone calls and most discussions with me are liek rapid fire questions, have you done such and such, yes ok moving on until we find something l have not.

He is verging on depression most of the time and desperate to 'escape the rat race'. he wants dearly to think of some great idea which will make him loads of money so he can give up working for someone else. He is now forcing this desperation onto me, badgering me to start a business and get earning money. If l am honest l am just knackered at the end of each day, l have very little time for me, let alone getting the motivation to start a business.

l am happy to put my career on hold whilst the kiddies are young and l need to fit in with their schooling and nursery hours. Whilst l am at home l can pick up on the household stuff to make weekends family time. But l expect some respect and appreciation for what l contribute to the family, not to be told l am taking to mick.

I don't think your DP has SAHM envy I think he is a control freak.

He has no respect at all for you, does he?

How can you bear to live with him?

You sound like a skivvy, not a wife.

I feel sorry for him, actually.

It sounds like he is quite depressed and doesn't like his job.

Clearly, taking it out on you is unfair and unjustified. But I think his malaise has deeper roots that it might be worth exploring. Could he look for a new job? Have a career change? Would you consider both going part time and changing the balance at home?

"He is verging on depression most of the time and desperate to 'escape the rat race'."

Yep. Been there. It sounds like a perfectly rational response to being forced to be in a job that you hate and know there is no real escape. I was constantly coming up with schemes that would get me off the treadmill.

It's not a rational response to blame your partner and undermine his or her contribution to your household. Or to continually phone and harrass her throughout the day.

Depression is a rational response to being in a place that makes you miserable and you cannot escape from.

It was exactly that situation after my DD was born that lead me to my first real bout of depression.

Book a holiday on your own for a week, or if a week off is hard for him to get off, a weekend.

Tell him that if he thinks it's so easy he should walk a mile in your shoes, totally unassisted like you do.

He'll change his tune right quick.

Does he have any idea what it is like to have sole charge of the dc, and run the household? Has he ever had that responsibility at weekends (or other times) while you were away (for more than a few hours)?

What if he became a sahd while you went back to work to support the family?

I wondered that earlybird - is it possible OP?

Two issues here:

(1) Your DH is unhappy with his job/commute.
(2) Your DH is resentful of you being a SAHM as he sees you staying at home while he has to go off to a job he doesn't like.

Clearly they are connected - so if the first can be solved then the second will probably go away too.

Are there any options wrt changing his job? What does he do and is there any way to reduce his hours? Why the long commute - could you move closer to work? Could you work a little to take some of the financial pressure off him, if he were to take over some domestic responsibilities in return?

Obviously he is being unreasonable in underestimating how much work you do at home. But he clearly feels trapped, and is taking it out on you (not rational or fair, but understandable). I think you need to discuss with him whether there are any realistic ways to change his job situation (not get rich quick schemes) - even if there are no obvious solutions, at least he'd know you've recognised that he hates the current situation and want to help him out of it.

My DH always tells me to sit down and wnjoy my time when kids arent in!!

i work PT - self employed, and not v often. but my dh never makes me feel bad, i do just an equal role as him, without getting paid wheres the justice in that!!

i hope you sort thisout with him

xx

I wonder if there is maybe a solution? Could you both go part-time?

If he is not prepared to find another job he likes then maybe cutting his hours and sharing the childcare would suit both of you better?

He sounds like he's being a git but at the same time this is a partnership, a relationship and if at all possible perhaps you can both sit down and work out a reasonable way to split the responsibilities so that he can improve on what he obviously hates.

He may not be happy with his work situation but maybe he can do something to change it - without badgering you.

I think his behaviour is abusive towards you, depression or not. Was he like this to you before you had children? Or is this entirely related to jealousy about your life compared to his?

What happens at weekends? Does he chip in? Or do you still have to do everything? Do you enjoy each other's company? Does he enjoy being with the children?

"I don't do much with the children because l am constantly aware DP thinks l am taking the mickey."

I think this statement is really sad - what happens if you do do stuff with the children? What a shame as you are a SAHM and have the opportunity!

No advice, just wanted to say that this sounds exactly like my dp, I am a SAHM with a toddler and (almost) a newborn, he works in an office, you'd think he went down the pit every day the amount he feels sorry for himself and resents me. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, DIY, garden, all he really does is look after his car, and even then he moans that I can't drive.

He thinks I sit on my arse all day, and yeah if you don't take the dc anywhere you're being lazy, if you do take them anywhere you're living the life of riley.

Mine also goes nuts if I get him up for work, even though he asks me to. I have to because he's a really deep sleeper and doesn't ever hear the alarm. This morning he was seething because I woke him up at 7am and wasn't planning on getting up myself: Ds had had a late night and is a bit poorly so wasn't expecting him up til around 9am, and I'm overdue so could do with an extra hour or two myself as I don't get naps in the day with a toddler about.

When dp realised that he would have to iron his own shirt, make his own lunch and that I didn't have carpark money ready for him, (all things he should have sorted last night, I'm not his mother) he went nuts, stood up on the bed and leapt off with both feet (our bedroom is above ds's) to try and wake ds up out of sheer spite, so I'd have to get up and look after him. When ds didn't wake up, he snapped "Have a nice lie in" up the stairs at me.

He'll deny all knowledge of that when he gets home, and say I'm twisting events to suit myself. There's no getting round it, until I'm back in full time work and still doing everything at home he's going to feel utterly sorry for himself. Even then he'd probably say that he works harder/travels further/has it harder.

Knob.

He has seen GP and is on ADs for past two years.

His mother did everything for him, had OCD herself and he was never allowed to do anything around the home at all - but that does not excuse you not being grateful of the time it takes someone to do these things for you as an adult.

He earns really good money, l would at best earn half that for same hours. Since l gave up work we have done a lot of thinks outside just his work to generate investment for the future, l have managed the household budgets to within an inch of our lives to make things happen.

He has looked after DC on his own for no more than 2 hours at a time and then rings me to ask when l am coming home as he cannot cope.

Walking in someone else's shoes for a weekend or a week is never the same really is it, its the week in week out routine over and over again that he will never experience.

He had no respect for women in the workplace or at home.

l felt really guilty saying to him today l think we should not have had our children - l think he really thought life would continue as normal (his) and l would be back at work full time earning what l did before.

He suffers with crippling insecurity about his abilities and wants to run away from work = stress + resentment = take it out on me who he sees as having a stressless life.

He doesn't call me about housework to check during theday its usually about other stuff like his business ventures or bizarely today the fish tank.

How can you communicate and negotiate a fairer split of responsibilities with someone who thinks you are swinging the lead aalready ? l really don't want to do down the route of listing everything l do, that would just give him the information to start crossing off things he thinks are not important. ie: he doesn't believe in ironing (l only iron the stuff that l cannot just fold and put away.

How the hell does it come to this, l was a professional woman for christ's sake !

It sounds like the op's dp doesn't show her much respect. He sounds very controlling and the cause of that could be depression.

The op getting a part time job will not solve this, and it will not suddenly bring back the respect that her dp is refusing to show her. If the OP does decide to get a job it should be for herself and her own self worth and independence, not to prove herself to her dp.

It sounds to me like the dp has issues that he needs to sort out. He should go to his GP to and discuss the possibility of him having depression and control issues. Couples therapy might be a good idea, as well as the possibility of him looking for a different job or changing his lifestyle for the benefit of the whole family.

halo
Lordy, I could have written [almost] every single word of your post.

Am trying to think of something useful to say, but seeing as this is my situation, I am looking for guidance/input too!!!

We need to compare notes. Honestly, I just cannot believe we are living parallel lives.

The only difference is that I DO DO loads of stuff with the children, precisely because a) obviously I want to but part of it is b) it gives me plenty of ammunition to say "this is what I did today, I did a b and c with my children, and am not ashamed to say I loved every darned minute of it" and it is a convenient come back to the constant questioning of "what are you doing now, what did you just do and what are you about to do"...

My DH has absolutely no experience of handling the 12/7 grind of DC's waking hours and what it all involves. The only time he has looked after them "on his own" is when I was in hospital for a few days, but he had day care and his parents on hand covering the full 24 hours so in fact, apart from bringing them to visit me, he didn't do any of it "on his own".

Oh grief, I am just so stunned to have read your post.

When he starts demanding what you do all day, don't tell him. Certainly do not make a list of what you do, that is only pandering to him. I'm tempted to say don't even answer the phone but that might make matters worse.

You know that your input into your family is at least equal to his input; he needs to realise that too.

Is he having therapy as well as the ads?

If you are not careful he will end up making you feel very happy and very unsure of yourself, I imagine this has been grinding you down for the past few years already and that will only continue unless he changes.

And you have to remember that is is not you causing him to have this problem; you are not causing his depression and you cannot make his depression go away.

Things obviously cannot continue as they are - for either of you. You need to sit down with him and brainstorm some short term and long term options and then come up with a plan, so that you both feel change/a better life is somewhere on the horizon.

Could he take a lower paying/less stressful job? Could you then supplement the household income when dc are in school?

There has to be a better way for both of you.

fedup1981 - why in the world did you choose to have another child with your dh/dp? With all due respect, it sounds the last thing you need....

"He had no respect for women in the workplace or at home."

Don't think counselling is likely to help him change his perception. Sounds like a twat to me. Sorry.

Meh, don't go there.

He sounds like a spoilt, mysoginistic brat.

You are making a mug of yourself by running his home, raising his children and organising his entire life while getting nothing but disprespect and ingratitude for it.

You need to find some sort of "seminar" ro something to go on about setting up your own business. While you do this he needs to take some time off and do your job for a few days.

His unhappiness is a seperate issue - you need to sit down and consider your options, including the part time thing, living on less money, downsizing, moving etc. Just have brainstorming session and see what you come up with.