SAHM envy eating DP up

[Haylo]

Brief history, DP of 19 years, two DCs 4.5 and 2.5, first in full time school and youngest in nursery two mornings a week. No family around us within 150 miles. DP works and commutes leaving house at 0700 and returning at 2000. l took voluntary redundancy when in maternity leave with first child and have been SAHM since.

l can honestly say l have been made to feel 'guilty' for 'just being at home with the kids' since l finished 'paid work' 5 years ago by DP. Despite the fact l do all the child care, all night feeds and wakings, 7 days a week, all household stuff and cooking. l don't do much with the children because l am constantly aware DP thinks l am taking the mickey.

DP comes in late, so obviously evening meal has been cooked, kids fed, cleared up, baths, reading and bedtime routine done, as he walks in l am often sitting down for the first proper time that day.

He simply cannot reconcile that l play as equal part in this family as he does. He told me today our partnership is not equitable and he doesn't hink being a housewife is a full time job. It depends for me on the cicumstances, because of his 13 hours out of the house are we supposed to load all household and child tasks to me. He really takes no responsibility for anything, bins, cars, garden, pets, holidays, birthdays etc etc.

I am constantly having to justify my time because he rings me multiple times a day to check what l have done. Whatever l have achieved you can bet is not what he thinks should have been. If l have taken DD to park for half an hour he makes some snide comment about being all right for some. He resents being at work so much he takes it out on me. His phone calls and most discussions with me are liek rapid fire questions, have you done such and such, yes ok moving on until we find something l have not.

He is verging on depression most of the time and desperate to 'escape the rat race'. he wants dearly to think of some great idea which will make him loads of money so he can give up working for someone else. He is now forcing this desperation onto me, badgering me to start a business and get earning money. If l am honest l am just knackered at the end of each day, l have very little time for me, let alone getting the motivation to start a business.

l am happy to put my career on hold whilst the kiddies are young and l need to fit in with their schooling and nursery hours. Whilst l am at home l can pick up on the household stuff to make weekends family time. But l expect some respect and appreciation for what l contribute to the family, not to be told l am taking to mick.

l think some of this is me, my mums always says 'your a coper, like me we just get on with it'. She's right l do, l can quite proudly say l work hard, do the best for my family and never moan or offload onto DP when l have had a really difficult day. Difficulty is he probably has the impression its all plain sailing doesn't he ?

We've tried talking through a workshare arrangement, but with the understanding if DP is home more he is also sharing the household tasks.

Because of his insecurities at work he pushes us to do a lot of things to invest for the future on top of the normal working week. We have renovated two flats since l had the children which we rent out, and in total rent 4 properties, all of which l manage. Our current home is a renovation project ongoing of 18 months, with all the dust and mess it creates.

l worry we do not live for today, but are always being absorbed into DP's latest project, and one day when the DC are older and start move on from the family home we will wonder why we didn't just enjoy our family time a bit more when we could.

Sounds like you need to leave him in charge of the DC for an entire weekend, to shake up his perspective.

I can't believe you do all the wake-ups.. even when i was at home full time DP would get up wth DS on a Sat or Sun so we'd each have a decent lie-in at least once a week..

Cheeky git ringing you to check up on you during the day - gah, I'd start making sure you have a schedule of activities with your DC (swimming/park/library/visiting friends) and stop feeling guilty about it! If you get the housework done, great, if not, at least you and the DC have had a good day. If he doesn't like it, he can bloody well hire a cleaner.

Fairly typical day for me today; I sorted the house out in the morning, organised some stuff for holiday, sorted stuff for meals for the rest of the week, and then spent the afternoon at a wildlife park with DS (we have season tickets) DS is happy and worn out, we've both had some fresh air and the house is tidy-ish. If DP dares whinge about the washing up in the sink when he gets home, I'll tell him what a lovely day we've had. I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad, just illustrating what I think is normal and perfectly acceptable as a SAHM.

Haylo

Would also agree that he sounds like a spoilt brat. He has no respect for you whatsoever. His calling you multiple times a day is controlling, he's checking up on you the whole time. You would not tolerate it from a friend so why is he any different.

You've been together for a long time; in your heart of heart do you think this has now run its course?. As his partner too your legal position is more rocky than it would be if you were married.

If he has been on ADs for the last two years clearly these are no longer working effectively. When was the dosage last looked at by the GP?.

You are NOT responsible for him, his depression and any issues pertaining to it.

On a much wider level what on earth are you and he teaching your children about relationships?. Two words suffice here - damaging lessons.

I know this is trite.. but:

"A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'"

Anonbird and fedup - lord l thought it was just me !

Beginning to wonder if l would be better off on my own ? the DCs are getting towards the age when they can pick up on his attitude and l don't want that for them.

DPs parents have been warning him of this for a while now, they think l will leave him if he does not change his ways ... he just thinks they are being unfair to him and taking my side. By the way l don't talk to them about him, this is things they have witnessed.

We are going to talk tonight - after l lost it on the phone when l was questioned why l didn't clean the back of the fish tank as asked whilst l had treated the water in it earlier today ... it was 2.20pm, why can l not manage what l need to do in the day when l choose to do it !

Haylo, it is clear that something has to change in your lives, but what? There are various different ways you could go.

Some women would not accept this situation. Your husband sounds incredibly controlling, and quite nasty to you in some respects. However, you have been together a long time and have young children. is this relationship worth saving? Is it happy in any way at all?

It sounds like a very hard existence for you both - him working very long hours and resentful, you doing everything else that is required to hold a family and home together, and getting no thanks for it. Could you both change your lifestyles - him cutting his hours and you, perhaps, going back to work part-time? Could you find some way to share the work and the childcare and the household responsiblities?

I think some of this is me, my mums always says 'your a coper, like me we just get on with it'

Would you want your children to think the same?. Thought not.

Haylo, Anonymous & Fedup - he is not being your partner but your manager. Demanding lists of tasks completed etc while not expecting to take part in the work yourself has no place in a relationship. What happens if you tell him to stop it, and how it makes you feel? Alternatively have you tried turning the tables on him. E.g. when he is at work or vegging out even, checking on him at half hourly intervals with a checklist. I'm sure he would hate it as you do.

Love that, Jareth.

l did ask DP why he needed to keep verbally prodding me on the phone during the day, was it because he resented me so much he just wanted to get back at me somehow ? the answer no, it was apparently because l was not motivated and things wouldn't get done it he didn't push me to do them. [hmmm] l say it again just to be clear, these are things on top of the household and childcare tasks.

Anyone ever heard of that parent-adult-child model ? l heard about it at a lighterlife counselling session l went to many moons ago - basically it said in every relationship and conversation/interaction you have, you and the other person is taking on the role of a parent, adult or child.

l find with DP and his mother they can only ever function in parent or child mode, very rarely can they interact on an adult to adult basis. They are either over controlling, patronising or disaplining as a parent (to me this is not a child) or act child like and try to regain control of situations by trying to make you feel sorry for them.

My DH has moments (not much more than moments) of sanity and being appreciative. An example, recently DS (5.5) has just made great progress with his reading. I religiously read with him every day and finally, a few weeks back the penny dropped and he is going great guns. I am so thrilled for him. DH said "wow, he is doing so well - you must take the credit, your hard work and time with him has done this, be proud of him and you both", and proceeded to make quite a fuss about this. And he absolutely was not being sarky or pointed, it was completely genuine.

I was like, is this the same person?? Nearly fell over. Been a couple of other (mostly little) things as well. He was very concerned about a potential health issue and told me to take it easy (didn't take DC's off my hands though, so how would I ever take it easy?!) but he kind of meant it, in his own special way. I thought wey, hey, maybe just maybe, we are turning a corner.

Then wham, bam, comes home last Friday from nearly a week away with work - and within a few hours was "christ, I go away for a few days and the whole place is falling apart and the kids are running wild, their behaviour is outrageous, have you let them behave like this all week". A couple of things in the house had broken, nothing big and not children being destructive, and the kids yes were super duper manic, but only with excitement at DH being home etc, weren't fighting or being malicious or anything other than just being 4.5 and 5.5.

So no, lo and behold, back round that corner in full throttle reverse we go.

He hasn't got as far as AD's, though he has seen the doctor and took some sessions with a therapist to try and ease through it without resorting to drugs.

Sorry, haylo, I've hijacked you, but seeing as your experience so mirrored mine, I have been unable to resist and off load!!!

Haylo this is unacceptable adult to adult behaviour as you so rightly say.

I really would stop answering the phone.

Relate?

Have had a couple of calls from Dp this afternoon along the lines of 'have you cheered up yet', answer no its not a matter of cheering up more needing to get to the bottom of this for both of us. Then another pretending to want to speak to DS (never usually rings) asking are you ok now ?

Its simply not fair to try and make this 'my issue', we've been here before talking through how we can make life easier for DP (never me), l have tried looking into therapy for him to explore why he lacks the 'empathy gene' and constantly feels unfullfilled, but he also brushes suggestions off and never sees things like gym memberships through. How much can l justify his lack of effort to help himself with his depression and not just being one of those glass half empty and envious of everyone types.

Anonbird - weird l had exactly the same thing, DS won reader of the week for about the 8th time, DP said if it wasn't for me DS would not have achieved so much.

He will talk to the DCs and say how lucky we have your mum to cook you such lovely food and look after you. If he can see the value and time taken in some ways, why does he not in others ?

Classic controlling behaviour is to try and convince you that you are the one with the problem, when it's really him who is the problem.

What about therapy for yourself, to try and get things clear in your own mind?

Stop taking his calls during the day. When he calls and you see it's him, ignore the call. Do not engage in his control game.

Tell him you're sorry he feels that way when he badgers you to get a job or tells you you're not pulling your weight and he, poor diddums, is shouldering the white man's burden blah blah... Stonewall him every time this kind of talk rears its ugly head, in other words.

Send him for a mental health screening. Insist on it.

Haylo,

re your comment:-

"I find with DP and his mother they can only ever function in parent or child mode, very rarely can they interact on an adult to adult basis. They are either over controlling, patronising or disciplining as a parent (to me this is not a child) or act child like and try to regain control of situations by trying to make you feel sorry for them".

And today this self same scenario is being played out between you and him. He is the parent and you are the "naughty child". History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and your man learnt an awful lot of damaging lessons from childhood courtesy of his Mum. She also taught him a lack of empathy as well to boot hence his disrespectful attitude towards you now.

Hate to say this as well but I think he has always been like this with you to some extent with you becoming used to it and now that you have children by him he's got worse. He will not change either.

He is unlikely too to seek help because he at heart thinks he does not have a problem. Hence all his resistance to any suggestions you make. He won't change - all you can do is change how you react to him.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful for you to clarify things further in your own mind. You would not put up with this behaviour from a friend so why would he, your partner, be any different?. He certainly isn't acting like one is he?.

How much of this can be put down to depression and how much to his own character - impossible for anyone else to say. You have been with him for 19 years, what did he use to be like? What has keep you with him all this time - and I mean there must be something positive?

He can change but only if he seeks helps and realises that his behaviour has to change.

I don't think its jack all to do with depression. I think he sounds like a controlling prick.

My ex h was exactly like this right down to the trying to convince me to start a business in my "free time" that I had so much of with a SN child and a new born. If I didn't show any interest then I was lazy and unambitious.

He wasn't quite as bad as yours op with the ringing up checking jobs were done but he would have been if I let him. Anything like this was met with and I will admit it, aggression from me (not physical). It was the only way to get him off my back. I wasn't always like that. I remember when ds was a new born rushing around trying to get ready to go out, making sure he was fed and everything we would need for a day and night out was sorted and exh just stood there with a nasty look on his face barking instructions at me, making no effort to help and then saying "I think you take ages on purpose just to keep me hanging around, you make a right meal out of it".

I don't think he is depressed, I think this is just what he is like. I think this because my ex was like this and he was not depressed it was just the kind of controlling abusive person he was and your dp sounds frighteningly exactly like him.

My ex also used to blame being unhappy in his job but he didn't change even when he got one he like more.

I feel sorry for him. Its nowhere near as hard being a housewife as it is working so he sounds like he would just like to not have to worry about going in to work.

As a man I can empathise with the depression (being a bit pissed off in my case) over your job, when you dont see your kid and hate the place you work at. He must be tired as well, thats the only time in a bad mood.

Having said that, unfortunately he also sounds like a twat as well, with all the phoning up and you've got it easy shit.

Which is a bit crap for you Haylo.

the only time I'm in a bad mood

This relationship is very unequal with unhappiness on both sides and frankly a poor deal on both sides and I have sympathy for you both.

I think you desperately need to find a new arrangement and I think to make the relationship work this will involve both of you working although not neccessarily both full time. I also think both of you need to share childcare and household responsibilities, not neccessarily 50/50, but a definite share out.

I think your dh probably needs to find a different job or work fewer hours at the current job. I suspect this will quite probably involve a reduction in income at least in the short term but this may be a price worth paying to save the relationship...but do you want to save the relationship?

Part of the reason he feels the pressure to work is because he never feels he has done enough or achieved enough. The one counselling session he did have identified his father never telling him he was proud of him, something he denied. He is a very high achiever in many ways, but cannot see it himself. He is always dreaming up new projects to make us better off in the future, but they often involve a lot of time and money in the short term - time squeezes the family time we have at weekends and money puts more pressure on him to continue to work as he does for a london wage.

His family and l have said you need to stop now and enjoy/simplify what you have, but its just like he feels standing still is failing.

When we discuss his changing jobs, location, contracts he always decides to stay put for now as it pays so well - thats fine if he can rationalise the payoff - meaning l am like a single parent monday to friday and he is naffed at the weekends so doesn't want to help with the kids.

It sounds a bit like narcissistic grandiosity -- to be so involved emotionally in something that gives the promise of an ego boost, namely his career (and this is all it appears to be giving him, with no job satisfaction per se) and the approbation of others in his profession, yet to behave so badly at home and treat you as if you were some sort of emotional punchbag.