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Original poster

If your husband suddenly looked up an ex on FB and sent a friend request to her....

40 replies

bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 12:19

after never having had any contact with any exes in all of the years you'd known him, would you be concerned?

I trust him completely - but I am a little bit as to why he would suddenly do this. I have exes on my FB but there's always been a continuity of friendship there, I haven't suddenly sought them out.

Should add, I wasn't snooping, as such, he left his FB page up on my computer account and I thought it was mine. But I don't know how to broach it, or whether to bother really.

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 12:23

bloody Facebook.

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Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 12:58

Bumping - just to see if am being an arse about this?

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DSM · 17/05/2010 13:00

It's probably just curiosity. I'd tell him I'd seen it, tell him you don't mind but would have liked if he'd told you.

wannaBe · 17/05/2010 13:02

wouldn't necessarily bother me.

I recently added my ex who I haven't spoken to for thirteen years, I added a different friend and when i looked at his friend list, and the friend lists of others we both know my ex was on one of them, so I added him. I might add that we had one or two conversations along the lines of "oh I thought about you loads in the years gone by, my life was so awful, two failed marriages yada yada," (from him) and we haven't spoken since.

blinks · 17/05/2010 13:02

hmmm

depends entirely on context/state of your relationship.

you're not being an arse. it's a natural response and he may feel the same if you contacted an ex out of the blue. i would definitely mention it and say it made you feel a bit concerned then see what he says...

could be she's connected to one of his friends so rather than seek her out, he's stubled across her and she has a private profile.

no doubt he's just curious and wants to say hello.

try not to judge before you speak to him.

CheekyPinkSox · 17/05/2010 13:06

My hubby use to have his ex on his FB when he first opened it, i couldnt understand as she was a cow to him, very controlling but shes not there no more so im not bothered.

I would ask him, tell him you saw his page and that you saw he had added his ex and you want to know why?

CelticBanshee · 17/05/2010 13:07

Can't really advise as we have a history with exes in this house and obviously my opinion would reflect that

Trying to step in to the shoes of someone without past history.. I'd probably wait until she accepts, then ask who she was as you'd noticed his new friend

Actually, that's what I'd do now, I can't honestly answer without my coloured view but can bump your thread for you nonetheless

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 13:15

Celtic - that's along the lines of what I was thinking, but then I have to contain my curiosity until she accepts. (And when I did start snooping after I found this I see she doesn't really go on there a lot, so it could be a while!)

I'm trying not to be niggled by it, as I really do trust him, and I'm aware I could be being hypocritical as (as I say) I've always been in touch with exes to some extent.

And I don't know how to raise it with him without looking like a bit of a tw@t.

Sigh.

wannaBe - that's the kind of thing I'm worried about, I don't really want him to get all reminiscey with her about the past!

It's ridiculous, because this is the first relationship I've ever had where I feel totally secure and I don't want to feel like I have cause for concern because I always react stupidly to it.

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skidoodly · 17/05/2010 13:17

If they have fb friends in common and he just happened to see her and decided to catch up - no big deal (presuming no issues related to this ex)

if he sought her out, then that would give me pause

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 13:23

They don't appear to have any friends in common.

And more snooping has just revealed that she likes going fox hunting.

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Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 13:28

I feel like texting him and just asking him outright to avoid any more of this. I hate feeling uncertain - I had this with an ex who was up to no good and it's such a a waste of energy.

He won't be up to no good, but I want to know why he's suddenly done this. Does that sound controlling?

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AnyFucker · 17/05/2010 13:29

BOB, if you have a question of him, just ask it

You will probably be satisfied with the answer, and can move on

happystory · 17/05/2010 13:32

If he had anything to hide he'd have made sure the account was logged off and the history cleared.

I wouldn't even mention it.

BritFish · 17/05/2010 13:34

theres nothing wrong with wanting to know why, but if your relationship is secure, then you need to calm down a tiny bit
an ex is an EX for a reason. exes can also be perfectly reasonable lovely people who have moved on with their own lives and have no interest with your DH.
if my DH added an ex, i would be on her page with him, intensly curious to what she's doing now [as i know all of his exes, bar one]
maybe he's just curious how she's doing?
after all, you do care about these people at some point in your life, i think its pretty normal to be curious how they look like, whats going on in their lives, 10 years down the line. its the same as meeting them in the street and having a catchup imo.
just bring up the topic of exes in a casual way 'ooh, i wonder what -insert name- is doing now, do you ever wonder what -insert name- is doing?'
just ask him, but dont go crazy and act like its a big deal, because that just wont go down well and he'll think you dont trust him
good luck!

CelticBanshee · 17/05/2010 13:37

Oh yea!! You stumbled upon this innocently didn't you? Well, then ask straight out! Happy days!

skidoodly · 17/05/2010 13:49

Any is right - if you have a question just ask it.

Don't start up any contrived conversations about exes so you can steer it to finding out what this is about. That's making a bigger deal of it than it deserves.

Oh, and also, people always know when you're doing this. It's about as subtle as a kick in the hole.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2010 13:52

a kick in the hole ?

I really wouldn't want one of those !

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 13:54

Well, I just texted him, nonchalantly because am doing my own head in. I await reply.

Britfish - I'd be curious too, but it's the fact that he's searched her out, not mentioned it, and they have no friends in common at all. So it's much more contrived than bumping into her in the street.

skidoodly - yup, you're right, and it involves too much thinking. So am now looking forward to him telling me it's nothing. Or it's not even her. Or sommat.

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Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 14:20

Hmmm. He hasn't replied yet (nearly an hour) and that is quite unusual.

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Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 14:20

Am being a nob, aren't I.

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AnyFucker · 17/05/2010 14:22

just a teeny weeny ikkle nob, yes

personally, I would have asked him face-to-face

you don't get much chance to concoct a cover story then

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 14:24

I don't know that you're being a nob, bint.
I wouldn't like it - but I am lucky that DH doesn't actually have any exes that he would want to contact.

I am in contact with a couple of exes but DH knows both of them and they are both in relationships (yy, I realise this doesn't necessarily make them untouchable but really, they are - they are exes for good reason!)

I hate FB. Tis a PITA.

maktaitai · 17/05/2010 14:25

no such thing as a noncommital text tbh - you don't get any chance to contextualise it.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 17/05/2010 14:34

Well, he just replied to say that it is his ex and why do I want to know.

TBH, he's always gone on about how he's not in touch with any exes at all and he wouldn't want to be, yadda yadda.

Apparently, that is not true.

I am pissed off now and that is why. I know it's not a massive deal but he's lied.

And she fucking hunts foxes.

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thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 14:44

bint - what has her fox-hunting got to do with the situation?

The lying would get me too - I've told DH that his casual fibbing (of course I'm ready, yes, I am.... hang on while I get dressed and go to the loo oh and do about 10 other pointless things that could have waited) is very bad - because casual lying about unimportant stuff could be a sign that he is equally as capable of casual lying about Big Bad Important stuff too. Honesty at all times is my policy. Even when it's telling me to stop being a PITA.