Snoring and its devastating impact on our relationship. Please help me as I don't know where to go from here.

[Latte301]

I had posted something long but it got lost! I have namechanged as friends read this.

Dh snores dreadfully. It has become a lot worse over the last 5 years as he has put on a substantial amount of weight. We have tried all the usual things (sprays, masks, ear plugs) but his snoring is so loud and violent, nothing works.

He went to the GP who thought he probably had sleep apnea but wanted him to lose at least 2-3 stone before he'd look at treatment as he thinks his weight is a big factor in this. I agree with the GP but dh is finding it impossible to lose weight and has always found this hard. He thinks he is eating the right things but isn't then craves chocolate and ends up putting more weight on. He can't lose weight on his own but won't seek out any help as he is incredibly embarrassed.

I am severely sleep deprived. So much so that I don't drive the car for anything other than short journeys otherwise I pass out. I have fallen asleep in work meetings, in the loo at work, at my desk...everywhere. It is now a serious health issue for me. I think I am averaging around 3-4 hours sleep a night and have done so for years now. When dh goes away (not that often), I catch up on my sleep and sadly, I am spending most of Saturday in bed catching up from the week.

I am missing out on time with the dcs, I feel like a dreadful mother, I'm awful, awful at work (and I'm the breadwinner so it's not like I can cut back or give up) and I can't carry on like this.

Dh veers from part blaming me (as I'm a light sleeper) to getting angry with himself and I'm starting to think he's mildly depressed now as he knows he is causing me all this upset but he can't fix it quickly (that makes him more unhappy = him eating more).

I know some people will read this and say he should grow a set of balls but I'd like some practical advice if possible. Has anyone's dh or themselves really struggled to lose weight like this?

I am so desperate now I am considering leaving (he does the bulk of the childcare so it would make more sense for me to go) but I would miss the dcs too much. I do love dh but at the moment I don't like him as I resent the fact that I feel he is causing these issues, especially as I have asked him to sort this out for years and only now, now that I can barely get through a day without passing out, is he worried about it.

Did the GP discuss using something like orlistat to help lose the weight? I think it's bit unfair to not refer him for sleep apnoea investigations, it might be worth going to the GP with him and spell out what a huge effect this is having on you both. Also you can buy a device called a mandibular advancement splint from private dentists that is supposed to be very good at reducing snoring (though it's not all that cheap). Sounds a nightmare for you TBH .

My sincere sympathy. I also have a snoring husband (due to being overweight) but it is not this extreme - I manage to sleep through it most of the time, and he doesn't snore all night.

I suppose the answer is in your OP - he has GOT to lose weight. For health reasons this sounds like it is very important too, so you must tlk to DH and find out what support he needs. Could you both go on a health kick together? Buy bikes? Join a gym? Make it a joint venture that would bring you closer together?

Best of luck, your current situation sounds awful.

I lived with a snorer for 5 years and the day he moved out i realised what I had been missing out on in terms of sleep quality, it was a revelation.

There are operations you can have - I think he needs to follow his GPs advice on this.

Have you secretly recorded him? Snorers often don't believe you when you say how loud it is, they think "oh it can't be that bad" and are shocked when they hear what they're actually like. Probably don't do this if he is depressed/upset though it might not be very kind.

TBH if I were you I'd sleep in a different room. I'm sorry to say that but it's affecting your quality of life, your work, your relationships with your children. It's not supportable.

no he didn't liath (the GP) - I wonder if I should ask him to go back. 2 things annoy me though, 1 that he is not thinking about this himself (so it would be me that suggests going back to the GP!) and 2 that I know he hasn't really tried to lose the weight properly. He thinks he's trying but he's v bad at doing something like this - has very little willpower and just gives in the minute it gets hard.

He does need outside assistance to lose weight - either something like weightwatchers where he has to go to a meeting or some sort of pill but I don't know what criteria he'd have to meet to go on something like that?

he does quite a lot of sport already strangely - he's actually quite fit, certainly fitter than me just overweight at the same time if that's possible!

I have great sympathy for you too but agree with Iwasyoungonce, the only solution is for him to lose weight.

My dh is also a snorer and someone whose weight fluctuates, but just losing half a stone makes a HUGE difference.

My suggestion is that you go to the GP together and tell the doctor the effect this is having on both of you. Then ask the GP to reconsider the sleep apneoa solutions or weight loss options.

My dad suffered with sleep apnoea for years and finally received a diagnosis then treatment. he is obese but was not asked to loose weight first. This advice is stupid form GP. Please please go to a different GP and get a referral. My Dad saw a consultant, spent a night on the ward to be assessed and was given a C-Pap machine. The first night he used it, he slept for 8 hours straight, mum was worried about him because he never moved all night. It was truly amazing, my Dad came back from his zombie state and mum got her life back. Most sleep apnoea sufferers are obese so asking him to loose weight is really unfair. Also, once he gets some sleep, will be more inclined to loose weight because he will feel so much better. Please please go back to GP and force the issue, or if that fails, go private. It can so easily be sorted. No need to split xx

thanks, yes I think he's very upset about it and I promise you I am a kind and decent person but I have reached the end of the line now and feel like screaming 'you may be upset mate, but my life is going down the toilet' iyswim! The more cross I get, the more upset he gets = less he does to do something about it. Sigh .

The revelation for me was him going away for 3 weeks last year. I had thought I was starting to suffer from something like MS. I had been to the doctor to ask them to refer me because my co-ordination had gone and I was getting extremely travel sick, pins and needles etc. and all of these are starting symptoms. Even the doctor was concerned. 3 weeks of dh being away and I was totally fine. Within 5 days of him going I was like a new person. Everyone noticed, work, the dcs - all my symptoms disappeared. No nausea, no travel sickness, no co-ordination issues. It's all from sleep deprivation. That's when I got my wake up call!

yes I am convinced it is sleep apnea. He is also knackered all the time despite sleeping for say 10 hours, he can never get up in the morning. I would eat my hat if he doesn't have it.

So do you think another GP would refer him? Is it a standard NHS thing that they insist they lose weight first?

Can you sleep in another room? Not the best solution but I have resorted to it at times! May help in the short term.

So the first thing is, you must get more sleep. Where else could you sleep that means you would get more rest? This has to be your priority. If you have leave to take, take it and catch up on sleep during the day.

Secondly I think your GP is being very unfair. For one thing, if your dh does have sleep apnoea he will find it immeasurably easier to lose weight once he's being treated. I think liath's right, the GP needs to understand the extreme impact of his decision. Could you afford a private referral to the sleep service?

But you have, have, have to get some rest. Forget about dh for a moment and focus on you. Could you sleep in a hotel for a few nights?

Latte you're not mean, sleep deprivation is the most appalling thing, of course you are at the end of your tether x

I feel like crying I honestly do.

Yes, we could afford a private referral. In fact, I was looking up some now and I think we can go even without the GP's referral.

My problem is now convincing dh to go . He feels this is an attack on him when it isn't. He's taking this all so personally (which is why I am wondering about the depression). I keep telling him I just want to help him - it really is all I want to do - as helping him will ultimately help me but it will be a real struggle to get him to agree to go to one of these places .

I suppose he really does not have much choice now.

You see, if he does have sleep apnea it explains a lot (and I'm convinced he does). He has moderately high BP, he is exhausted all the time too....even him being v upset/mildly depressed could result from this. But it's so hard to get him to do anything now as he feels it's his fault he hasn't been able to lose weight etc. etc.

thank you all btw xxx I appreciate you taking the time out to reply

I am going to call one of these places and perhaps take dh out to dinner (if we can both stay awake!) and try and convince him to do this for all of us, and especially himself!

Good luck!

Or ask him if he'll do it for you?

Sometimes people are more motivated to do things to help the people they love, when they lack the motivation to help themselves. He must be able to see the effect that this is having on you, and seen how different you have been when you have been able to get a few nights sleep.

can you approach it from the POV that if he broke his leg he'd go to the doc, or if he had terrible stomach pains all the time he'd go to the doc, this is no different. Something is wrogn and together you can try to fix it and make life better for everyone.

Good luck

Yes yes yes !!!!!!! He has it, the depression is part of it, and the lady in the sleep apnoea department said to mum that many marriages fail because of it. You are both feeling like shite and it can be cured in less than 24 hours. he must go.

[[http://www.eu-pap.co.uk/products/cpap-machines.html?gclid=CP_ip43W2KECFReX2AodS2cQKg}}

www.eu-pap.co.uk/products/cpap-machines.html?gclid=CP_ip43W2KECFReX2AodS2cQKg

could you start tonight by sleeping in a diffrent room?

Yes to all this stuff about him BUT in the meantime what about YOU

• you being so sleep deprived is DANGEROUS and continuing to sleep with him is putting yourself, your dcs, your livlihood, your health and the future of your marriage in danger. You must sleep somewhere else until he stops snoring.
• While you carry on sleeping with him/shouldering the worst effects of his snoring he doesn't have much real need to do the hard thing and lose weight: I think you do need to make his weight and/or fixing the snoring a dealbreaker
• don't assume this is just weight related - he may well carry on snoring when he loses weight. Plenty do.

IMHU he is putting you in a position where you have to choose between your DCs wellbeing and his wellbeing (I am only leaving you out of the equation as you seem to be pretty selfless). This is SERIOUS and serious NOW.

Don't leave it to him/the doctor/sleep apnoea - take charge now.

Aside from the sleep apnoea, hypnotherapy helped me lose weight, i would recommend it.

Your GP is being unhelpful by telling your DH to lose weight before he will refer him - if you have sleep apnoea it is very very hard to lose weight when the OSA is untreated as your body hormones are all over the place and your leptin levels (which make you hold onto fat) are vastly elevated. OSA should be treated first, and then weight issues addressed.

By not getting your DH's possible OSA treated, you are putting all of your lives at risk - did you know that the driving of someone who has untreated OSA is far worse than someone who is well over the drink drive limit ? And untreated OSA could be putting your DH at a greatly increased risk of heart attack and stroke.

He needs to go back to the GP, with you, and explain that he needs to be seen by a sleep specialist (don't get fobbed off with an ENT referral, it needs to be a sleep clinic) - you might choose to go private to be seen sooner, but if CPAP is indicated, you have to buy your own machine initially, which is pricey, but worth it.

Your DH might be interested in my DH's story. DH has always snored, terribly - from being underweight to overweight. Had always been a joke for him. I finally made him go and get a referral, and he had his sleep study. This showed he stopped breathing 87 times an hour (this is very, very severe), and his blood pressure was sky high in the night. Consultant reckoned he would have been dead by 50
He went on CPAP immediatly, and his life is transformed from being grumpy and horrid in the mornings, to someone who needs little sleep and is full of energy. He lost weight so easily once he was on treatment it was untrue. The CPAP machine is small and quiet, and certainly no louder than our central heating noises, so not an issue for me at all.

Your DH shouldn't be embarrassed by his snoring - it's a medical condition that needs treatment, and he just needs to stand up and ask for the treatment he requires. DH's consultant gets really narked when he hears that patients are told they need to lose weight before referral as he says its pointless, so it's certainly not standard.

gosh, I really feel for you. My dh snores very loudly (he is not overweight and exercises regularly), it's bad enough for us to sleep in separate rooms quite alot of the time. This has definitely made us less close. He too blames my light-sleeping. I now think that if he was that bothered he would go the doctor and get it sorted. He doesn't - so what do I conclude? He's not that bothered about me or my needs. I need my sleep (work, do most of child stuff, do most of everything - finances, home, car, DIY, etc etc).

I have only skimmed the thread so sorry if I am repeating, but would suggest seeing if you could get a referral to a sleep clinic such as the one at Papworth. They also have a helpline number for advice. There was a programme on tv about the clinic a while back and it featured quite a few overweight men with sleep apnoea. They were not asked to lose weight before treatment I don't think. I doubt you can get hold of any the episodes of the programme now, but if you can, it would be worth getting your dh to watch some, because it shows the massive effect that someone snoring can have on the rest of the family as well as the fact that it is treatable.

my DH snores badly, esp. when hayfever season.

I keep a duvet and pillow in the living room, and sleep on the sofa when we´re going through a bad patch.

DH gets down about this if it´s longterm as it seems "the end of our mariage" to him if we don´t sleep in the same bed. However, I have convinced him it is necessary for me to get my sleep, and I sleep on the sofa aprox 3-4 nights every week. I make it very clear I am not leaving in a huff, or blaming him for everything, just that I need my sleep.

Just moving to the sofa makes me feel relaxed, and I sleep much better.

Can´t you do the same?