Snoring and its devastating impact on our relationship. Please help me as I don't know where to go from here.

[Latte301]

I had posted something long but it got lost! I have namechanged as friends read this.

Dh snores dreadfully. It has become a lot worse over the last 5 years as he has put on a substantial amount of weight. We have tried all the usual things (sprays, masks, ear plugs) but his snoring is so loud and violent, nothing works.

He went to the GP who thought he probably had sleep apnea but wanted him to lose at least 2-3 stone before he'd look at treatment as he thinks his weight is a big factor in this. I agree with the GP but dh is finding it impossible to lose weight and has always found this hard. He thinks he is eating the right things but isn't then craves chocolate and ends up putting more weight on. He can't lose weight on his own but won't seek out any help as he is incredibly embarrassed.

I am severely sleep deprived. So much so that I don't drive the car for anything other than short journeys otherwise I pass out. I have fallen asleep in work meetings, in the loo at work, at my desk...everywhere. It is now a serious health issue for me. I think I am averaging around 3-4 hours sleep a night and have done so for years now. When dh goes away (not that often), I catch up on my sleep and sadly, I am spending most of Saturday in bed catching up from the week.

I am missing out on time with the dcs, I feel like a dreadful mother, I'm awful, awful at work (and I'm the breadwinner so it's not like I can cut back or give up) and I can't carry on like this.

Dh veers from part blaming me (as I'm a light sleeper) to getting angry with himself and I'm starting to think he's mildly depressed now as he knows he is causing me all this upset but he can't fix it quickly (that makes him more unhappy = him eating more).

I know some people will read this and say he should grow a set of balls but I'd like some practical advice if possible. Has anyone's dh or themselves really struggled to lose weight like this?

I am so desperate now I am considering leaving (he does the bulk of the childcare so it would make more sense for me to go) but I would miss the dcs too much. I do love dh but at the moment I don't like him as I resent the fact that I feel he is causing these issues, especially as I have asked him to sort this out for years and only now, now that I can barely get through a day without passing out, is he worried about it.

Huge sympathy to you. My Dh snores terribly too, and now spends most nights sleeping in the spare room because I just got to the point where I couldn't cope any more. I haven't been able to persuade him to try one, but my friend absolutely raves about Snorban, which pretty much saved her marriage and has had a huge impact on her husband's sleep quality and his general mood. It might be worth looking into.

earplugs from here snorestore have saved my sanity (as has the guest room!)

I am/was the snorer and often woke myself up! DH never got to sleep in the first place...

I tried a SnorBan but found it so uncomfortable that as soon as I was asleep, I would spit it out. He started to wear ear plugs and has slept right through since. I subsequently lost the weight through Lighter Life (almost 6 stone) and haven't really had a problem since. He now can't sleep without the earplugs though as he's got so used to total silence.

Please keep looking for the solution - the impact on your mental health can't be underestimated.

Latte i really feel for you , i once felt exactly as you do , i would burst into tears due to exhaustion, i felt ill and bad tempered and depressed. I couldnt enjoy my dcs as i was constantly exhausted.I began to hate him. I began to feel that although there was a snoring proble, there was a selfish problem, and that was much harder to resolve than the snoring.

He was so loud that once on holiday both sets of neighbours in our hotel room moved out due to it.

It took nearly a decade to get him to the gps, at which point he was referred for an operation on his nose (septum ? )He was told it might not work but that the main thing was for him to lose weight and stop smoking.

He wouldnt or couldnt. We slept seperateley for years ( me on the sofa , i could still hear him ) and eventually i grew so resentfull that i sort of hated him for it. He would continually gorge and guzzle beer , and worse he would make me feel guilty for sleeping seperateley, something i was entitled and needed to do.

Eventually we divorced ( there was other serious issues ) but to be honest, even without those, i dont think i couldve stayed married to someone who had so little regard for me that they were impacting my life in the way that he was.

Like mine, yours KNOWS the effect its having on you, he has the option to do something about it but is choosing not to, so yes, there is the issue of snoring, but also the issue of a selfish partner who is not considering your needs.

You say he may be depressed and that he cant fix it quickly, but yet he can, he can see a differant gp ,go to weightwatchers, ( some gps will describe diet pills ) or start exercising more. Yet he does none of these things and occasionally blames you.

Hes also taking it personally and it feels like an attack on him. It is personal, hes causing it and as such he has an obligation to do something about it. He may well be embarressed , but whats more important, his embaresment or his wife having a decent quality of life ?

I know the above sounds a bit harsh, but if you thought for one moment you were impacting his life in this way, what would you do ? Is this really reasonable of him ? I

At this stage now, i think its reasonable to insist he takes action, and i would insist he sleeps in another room until a solution is found.

My Mum is 5'4'' and 19 stones. She went to the GP for snoring, and I mentioned that Dad has had to poke her at times. He referred her for a sleep study there and then. She has now been diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnoea.

Be aware that if he does have it, he will have to stop driving until he is established on treatment.

cmot, I see you your 87 times an hour and raise you My dh was stopping breathing over a hundred times an hour when he had his sleep study (there were extenuating factors inc heavy medication). Latte can you not persuade your dh he wants to get into a pissing contest with mine and cmot's to see who's stopping breathing the most??

What I will say is that we recently got back on the CPAP express and dh's digestion has improved dramatically as a result. It meant that before his body was going into shock during the night, shutting down non-essential business like digestion - there's no way you could lose weight in those circs, the body's maxed out on adrenaline.

But Latte the first thing needs to be you. You must get more sleep. If that means sleeping apart, so be it.

Trib - DH says drug assisted doesn't count and he bets he desaturates more . He's only met (in RL or virtually) one person who had more apnoeas than he does - or rather did before he was wedded to his CPAP.

I'd forgotten about the digestion thing - it is very true

cmot - right you're on, lady. I'm going to de-tox my dh off everything so we can have a fair contest as he was a very heavy snorer before all this anyway.

Latte - see how much fun sleep apnoea can be?? (You have to get enough sleep yourself to enjoy the fun).

DH is laughing at this ! He points out that there is lots of gadget possibility too - he is forever buying new masks and stuff for his two (one for home and one for travel) CPAP units

lol thanks all of you

last night, I took a nytol, put the ear plugs in and told dh I had to get some sleep and I managed about 7 hours.

We also had a big heart to heart and he has agreed to go to a sleep specialist. Your stories really have helped tbh.

I think part of the problem (as a few of you have pointed out) is that he can't see himself in the night (or hear himself). His snoring quite often wakes him up too (when he has been gasping a bit) and I think he'd be quite surprised how active and almost violent his movements are. I said to him that I don't want him to have a heart attack in his sleep and die before his time for something that is completely preventable and could be having an enormous impact on his life.

So he has agreed to go (in a few weeks time) and FINGERS CROSSED, we will see someone sensible (I'm sure they must see situations like this all the time at these places) and they will do a sleep study on him.

I am annoyed at the GP now too. We have a friend who has a v painful knee. She is overweight, not obese, and the GP refused to refer her for any further treatment (like x rays etc.) saying that her knee would be far better if she could lose a bit of weight . I know there is a bit focus on weight at the moment but I think it seems to be obscuring some GPs (not all, before I get into trouble!) view of people's health problems. If he does have bad sleep apnea, and I'm convinced he does, as you have pointed out, he has a far better chance of losing the weight once it is treated!

I will let you know how it goes and can't thank you enough for your stories and advice as I probably would have gone insane without it!

You are not alone. I'm cushioned with ear plugs and the duvet over my head every night! Only silver lining is that OH is the one who has to listen out for baby in the morning as I'm sound-proofed!

You've had great advice already (second opinion from another GP esp) but I wanted to add, does your DH have any allergies? Mine has hayfever and a dust allergy. Antihistamines and also wet-mopping the bedroom floor (its wooden so picks up dust balls) have really helped. It's still awful but not as bad as it has been. Once in a while I make him sleep on the sofa bed so I can get a decent nights sleep!

Good luck x

The waking himself up is classic apnoea, Latte. His body is trying to keep him alive. Obv being alive is an optimal state but the body shouldn't be put through that all night every night.

I remember once long ago waking up in a similar state to my dh was in all the time. The night before, I had driven back from Copenhagen airport to where we lived in Sweden. I had been stopped for speeding (speed limits in Sweden are mental, it's practically obligatory to breach them). Of course I had been hugely panicked when I was stopped, even though I got off with a caution. The next morning I was zombified. The adrenaline release of the panic just killed me. And that is what it is like for apnoea patients every day. Instead of spending some hours asleep repairing, they have been basically in a coma getting ready for fight literally for their lives. It's so treatable, and at relatively little cost as well.

I totally agree with patients taking responsibility for their health and yadda yadda, but short term we have the ability to help them do that and the responsibility, in my view, to do so.

Also cmot is right, this is classic gadget territory, it's all there for the reluctant male. Let's compare desats!

My husband had very similar symptoms but it wasn't sleep apneoa it was polyps and a referral to a specialist and a scan diagnosed it. They tried sprays and steroids first but an operation was necessary and thank goodness it cured the problem completely.

I know how bad it can be and the strain it can put on both parties. I think your Dr should have referred him and perhaps he should seek a second opinion. With my husband it was a problem that gradually got worse until it became unbearable. However its all but a distant memory now so there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

Ps does he have a blocked nose generally as this would make polyps more likely. This link may be useful www.patient.co.uk/health/Nasal-Polyps.htm

Our experience of getting treatment in the UK wasn't great. My husband used to snore like a loud vibrating drill was next to me in the bed. It was just unbelievable. The first night I slept over at his, I was speechless (and didn't sleep well). I tried ear plugs, which did help, and eventually separate rooms, which also helped but does have drawbacks in terms of not having the day to day intimacy (not in that way, more missing out on chatting in bed etc). We did have a sleep study done which concluded my DH didn't have sleep apnoea, and he was offered a throat operation for the snoring, but it sounded so brutal we decided against it. But I still believed he had sleep apnoea as he stopped breathing for ages, I used to count the seconds and would regularly get to 20 and more without a breath, then a loud gasp/snort.

In the end, we put up with it for a few more years before my DH had another sleep study done abroad. Initially the GP was reluctant to send him for one in this country, but once he had the piece of paper in his hand, they found it hard to argue, and of course, the new UK one confirmed exactly what the other one said. I wouldn't say he has been transformed by using the CPAP machine, he's been very stressed lately, and has not lost weight yet, but at least he is better rested.

Even if your husband doesn't have sleep apnoea, you can get a CPAP for snoring, I would go and get a private prescription and pay for a machine if you can't get one easily on the NHS (they also use less state of the art ones). I totally agree with your emergency measures: Nytol, ear plugs and separate rooms til it is sorted as it is ruining your life. I totally understand, but this is solvable and you may even start to like your husband again once the sleep deprivation wears off!