It's offical, my MIL is BARKING!

[Queenie]

I haven't got a close relationship with my MIL though we are pleasant enough to each other. I have always thought that she thinks she should still be no. 1 in DH's life with his "new" family blending into the background when we visit. She has even hinted that when DH visits for weekends he needn't bring us - his children are her grandchildren!! I have found I don't want to speak to her on the phone as time has gone by as she is so self centred. She can have an entire phone call with you without asking anything about the children but she always asks how the weather is. I have decided she is mental and now she has proved it - I am so relieved as I thought perhaps I was evil minded. She rang DH in the week and said she had arranged for a family grave for 4 - for her and her dh and 2 of her sons (apparently couldn't get one for 5). She was asking who wished to be included. DH said he thought he would like to be buried with his wife (that's me for the moment) and felt his brother(s) would also. She was surprised apparently. She obvioulsy feels her sons will return to her in death or something!! How do you deal with a person like this without causing major friction? Any views??

Hee hee! She sounds hilarious. Don't think you need to do anything, do you? your dh seems to have handled it well. I think if people of that age are self-centred and self-obsessed there isn't going to be much you can do to change it - I'd just rub along as best you can and hope that your dh keeps her relatively under control. After all if she isn't interested in you or your children, there isn't much you can do about it except make sure it doesn't affect your relationship with your dh!

wow - she even beats mine on lack of tact and weird ideas, and believe me that takes a lot of doing! At least your DH seems to be aware of how unreasonable she is being, this can be a huge help - my DH just refuses to see how outrageous his mum is and so I either bite my tongue or have a row about it! Much easier if you can laugh together about someone?s "eccentricities" and feel good about yourself thinking that you are being "kind" and understanding rather than muttering and being angry behind their back.

I would let it go - sounds like she is missing being the centre of attention of her son?s worlds and is trying to pull them back to her (in a very bizarre way).
Personally, I try to survive by being privately pleased that she doesn?t ask after me or DD and only wants to speak to DH - makes it easier knowing it is mutual and DD isn?t suffering at all, quite the opposite. the fact that they can never be bothered to visit means that I don?t feel bad about not making so much effort either - the less time spent with the witch the better! I know that talking openly about how I feel will achieve nothing and make it worse, I also know that she will never change - only 20% of the outrageous insults are intentional (I hope!) So, rather than upsetting DH or splitting the family up, I try to avoid all contact with her and when I do, keep it short, focus on what day we are coming home and just keep smiling away, promising myself that I will enjoy a luxury lunch with my own mum when we get beack to let her know how much I appreciate her! TBH I think that is the only positive aspect to my time spent with my MIL - it really makes me so appreciative of my own mum. Ironically, my mum feels exactly the same way after visiting her mum (although it is her mum not MIL) and so really understands how I feel. It is very important to me that I can have a mssive moan about my MIL every now and again to someone who I trust to keep it between ourselves and not judge me or tell me that I am being unreasonable (even when I am!)
I have nothing but sympathy for you and hope that your sense of humour and support from DH will keep you from going spare! (

Absolutely barking mad!! I think the only way to deal with this sort of person is to accept that it's how they are and don't let it get to you. What does your DH think about her? Does he accept that she's a bit odd?

Bonkers as conkers, if you ask me. I wouldn't bother talking to her if you don't feel like it, as she certainly doesn't seem to value talking to you.

I think that's a bit scary - the grave thing, I mean, how does she even know her sons want to be buried, they may want to be cremated?!! (sorry I have such a sick sense of humour)

Luckily your DH seems to be able to handle her, just have minimal contact with her and take everything she says with a pinch of salt and laugh about it.

Definitely bonkers. But what does she do all day? It sounds as if her sons are the only thing that matters to her and they are all grown up and gone so does she literally just sit and think about them all the time? No friends, no life? She can't have or she wouldn't be so obsessed.

Can't believe she's not bothered about her grandchildren either - very sad case. Agree with CAM, the grave thing is scary. Like Stripymouse just keep smiling away when you have to see her and be thankful it's not very often!

Well, thanks everyone for confirming what I thought. My Dh handled this one well but he doesn't really think she is completely mad he just says she doesn't think and makes excuses but then she is his mum and he is a loyal sort. We don't laugh about her together but I do laugh with my mum and friends about her. She doesn't have any interests or hobbies or friends really so her life was her family and now they have their own families. Isn't that what we want for our children? Jahn, you are right. Two of her sons live near her and she sees them regularly and she phones DH every other night. She talks about 1 grand child only who she used to look after so anything I say about mine she will compare to that child "oh used to do that, like that, say that etc" and the conversation then reverts to her experiences with this child. BORING, BORING!! My DH is the youngest son so when we visit she feeds him up. He is overweight but you would think he was neglected the way she behaves. When we visited at Easter she wasn't able to help me with the children she said as she was feeling a little unwell. I didn't want or expect her help as I can obvioulsy cope when she not around. As soon as DH appeared from his "well needed" sleep she practically ran to cook a full breakfast for him and HE LET HER!! I did say at that point - "Mothers and their sons make me sick" - I have a son myself I must say so I must make myself sick but I was fuming!! DH just laughed and he realised what I said.

did she have to pay a deposit for the 4-berth grave?

Monkey, at first when DH was saying things like "what do you want one for 4 for?" I thought she was getting a holiday home or something - a 4 berth as you say. Hope the deposit is non-refundable if she did pay anything. Just been speaking to my mum who received a call for my MIL this weekend asking if she had seen us recently as she was a little concerned about DH who "doesn't seem his happy self these days". Maybe if she asked him how he was she'd know.

Queenie, she is indeed barking and obviously has too much time on her hands. Ah well, she won't know who's next to her once she's dead will she?

Queenie, I completely relate to this particularly the phone call where she asks about the weather but not her grandchild!

No advice just loads of sympathy!

Queenie, felt a strange mix of sympathy and desire to laugh reading this thread. What a witch she sounds! My MIL isn't quite so bad, but she can be tactless beyond belief, which I usually bottle to try and spare dh's feelings as he gets hurt if I start to criticise her - although he's happy enough to have a discussion about my mum's faults with me. It is hard, because potentially your children might grow up wondering why their grandmother has a favourite which could be hurtful for them. It is of course, completely her loss, but that doesn't make it any easier for you or for them.

I know from experience that sons can be incredibly loyal and unwilling to countenance the idea that their mothers could be better behaved. If your dh is basically unwilling to address the problem beyond what I call cosmetic placation (!) then there probably isn't much more you can do, although it is frustrating because that is basically saying the problem is with the way you interpret what she says, rather than the truth - namely, that she is a rude old trout.

Just incredible that she would actually ring your mum to complain about her son's "unhappiness"! What a lack of respect for you to go behind you like that. Does your dh know about that? What was his response? I'm getting madder on your behalf the longer I type this!

What does DH think - stuck next to her for eternity - what a sobering thought!!!

Just be grateful your dh didn't think it was a lovely idea!!!!

tell her she won`t need a grave,she will burn in the stake along with my MIL!!!

Lilymum, your para 2 is so true! He is not aware of her call to my mum but the reason she thinks he is unhappy is that most the time she rings at bad times like 9.30 pm when we are trying to get the toddler back into bed for the 1 millionth time or the baby needs changing . When he says he'll call back she just prattles on regardless. I think she thinks it's my job to deal with the children anyway as "he works sooo hard". I have to admit he had been a little off recently as it has just dawned on him that she does not listen to anything that is said, she just talks over you. Our dd fell in the pool on holiday and by the time I got to her she was face down and still. It was only seconds but toddlers get disorientated when face down in water and don't think to raise their heads. I was in a state and so was she. DH had not been with us that day and I was alone with DD and DS. When he told his mum that our dd had had an accident apparently she just went on to talk about something else. The next day she rang me and said did she hear right. It took 24 hours for it to register!! I think he doesn't see the point of talking to her now and just listens, which is what I do, hence the mood change query.

Queenie, I've calmed down a bit now. Sorry to hear about dd's accident - sounds scary. Glad she's OK. I guess your MIL must be quite lonely if she has no other interests and is probably desperate to remain an important part in her son's life, even though she seems to want to do this by excluding you. It's not acceptable though.

Do you think it would be worth letting your dh go without you for the weekend, but persuade him to take dd and ds also - perhaps she would feel more inclined to help him care for them, than she is to help you. She might even find she likes them! Does her lack of interest in your children bother your dh?

Lilymum, thanks for your suggestions and sorry I haven't replied to you. I would LOVE dh to go for a weekend without me and if he took the children she would help him for sure. It's not that she doesn't like them (I hope) it is more out of sight out of mind I think. DH doesn't see her lack of interest (phone wise) as odd because he is used to her I suppose. He just makes excuses as you so rightly said before attaching the blame on my interpretation rather than her intention. However I think the next thing she will spring on us is a visit to us so that will be a challenge if previous visits are anything to go by. I might ask her what she was thinking of suggesting a mass grave for her and "her boys" just to add a little interest to the visit.

Oh god Queenie we have the same MIL..... (minus the grave- that's too mad even for mine!)

Last time she visited- she told dh he had to go to bed early and rest as he was the breadwinner (!!!!) She has had family weekends for dh and his sister (not the rest of us). I could go on and on.

Luckily dh is very clued up so it doesn't cause much friction!

Every time mine comes to visit she gets "ill" - usually around tea time. (she's in her 50's). She floats around pathetically trying to get attention then reappears as soon as the wine bottle is opened.

Good luck with the visit, Queenie, and if you do put the cat among the pigeons, so to speak, be sure to post to let us know how she reacts!

Ha, would like to add my gem - last night MIL returned home after thier summer holidays - they had a few little presents for DS which was very nice of them until I saw what MIL was holding up for DP and laughing at. A little T-shirt that said "Give me a hug because my Mummy is in a bad mood again today" ......????

Ohh dear.

eefs,
how bloody crass of your MIL! I hope you NEVER let her wear it. In fact, take it to the charity shop immediately, that will make you feel better!