Ex letting me down over contact....

[Supercherry]

I'm struggling to keep my cool here and I really don't want to let him upset me or make me angry anymore.

Ex agreed to have DS1 today- I am supposed to be doing a favour for a friend where I can't really take the DCs along. I just called him to ask when he was coming round and he is on his way to Slough- over a 100 miles away!

He said he never agreed a time but tomorrow surely means during the day?

I think he is doing it deliberately but I just don't get it. I suppose if he was a nob during the relationship then that isn't going to change?

What do I do- I just want some routine for the DCs so I know when I have some time to myself etc.

Do I make him go to court?

Still wont help, very difficult to enforce contact, of course you they can punish for witholding contact!!
Its all about controlling and punsihing you!
In the end I gave up depending on or expecting anything at all from XH, and planned my life without him, he hated it but when he finally realised that I didnt care, he started to get a bit better! Mind it took almost 4 years to get here!

its not uncommon is it? seems to happen alot,its the dc stuck waiting that i feel for!

IloveTiffany- that's not a problem yet- DS1 is 2.3yrs and DS2 is 6mths. But, yes, I don't want it to get to that- I want it sorting now or he can fuck off quite frankly.

Thanks MacDoodle. I don't want to enforce contact. I just don't want him to let us down. He is not the brightest tool, if it went to court, I think he would think he had to stick to it.

And there was me hoping we could be amicable.

Life is too short for this

Ooh, and surprise, surprise, he started bombarding me with text messages last night once the wknd was over and the boys were in bed feigning fatherly concern for his boys.

Yawn.

He is trying to control your emotions through your children, so don't let him!

Tell him, in a calm, polite manner (through gritted teeth if necessary) that the CHILDREN need a routine and you therefore need a structured contact arrangement and if he can't stick to it then he can sod off. IME it is really important to NEVER let the ex think this is anything about YOU, always make it the children.

Do you have a routine arrangement for contact and this was an 'extra', or is it all ad hoc? Because TBH, if the latter, then that's not fair on anyone.

Have you thought of mediation to agree a parenting plan? You'd have to mediate before court anyway so you won't lose anything and it's much less confrontational. Also it gets you to consider all sorts of issues that might not have crossed your mind that would otherwise be a problem. you can download them off the net to have a look to give you an idea. Course, it won't guarantee that he'll never let the boys down but a mutually arrived-at plan would have a greater chance of working than anything he feels is imposed upon him and backed up with threats.

At one point, we were verging on getting solicitors involved to arrange access but he started being all nice and reasonable again and I, stupidly, fell for it.

He moved back into his own house (from his mums) 2 weeks ago and he said it would be then that he would start having the boys overnight sometimes.

Prior to this he said he could never have the boys at his mums because she has a dog- I know, a rubbish excuse. He would only ever come to mine and see them, he would help with bedtime etc, but inevitably, things deteriorated and I had to put a stop to this. He just can't act like a grown up.

If I try and pin him down in advance he won't respond, or he will say he's busy. Then he will start asking when he can have them if I just ignore him. He has had DS1 overnight once, but is insisting he can't cope with boys together. This isn't true- DS2 is an easy baby and DS1 is in agood routine and likes going to bed so they're no trouble really. He said he will have ds2 without DS1.

I asked him if he could have both boys overnight, any friday in June (It's so I can visit a friend but I haven't told him that) and he said he didn't know.

Basically you're all right in saying that what it boils down to is control. He doesn't want me to have life outside the boys.

He is using them to get at me- or trying to.

I have ignored his calls and texts all day today. I have had enough. He always does this- keeps asking when he can see the boys but not being very specific. It's all lip service.

He just started banging on the door when he knows full well the boys are in bed. It's actually quite frightening, I have to make sure I've locked the door because I just don't want the confrontation.

I would never stop him seeing the boys but it can't all be on his terms can it?

And now the phone calls have started.

Oh no How awful for you, is there anything you can do? How about calling for the police if he is harrassing you?

Thanks Pinkunicorn- I would if it were unbearable. He's gone from the door now anyway. Mobile is on silent and house phone unplugged.

It's all just so pointless though.

He only lives about 10 houses away- I can't see an amicable end in sight.

If you can stick with it just refuse to discuss anything with him apart from his contact with the boys. Email/letters only - keep copies of what you send.

Perhaps by refusing him access as and when he wants then he will take you to court to get fixed contact which tbh is the best way forward if he is a bully and/or incapable of putting their needs first.

Thanks Cargirl- good idea.

He has just text me accusing me of using the boys as weapons and that he is a good father and loves his boys- am flabbergasted!!!

I have never stopped him seeing them- he couldn't have seen them today anyway, he works late on a training course Mondays and yesterday was when he let me down, not the other way around. Saturday, he could have had them all day but chose not to see DS2 at all and only had DS1 early morning before dropping him back saying someone wanted to buy his car and could I have DS1 an hour. I said yes, of course, (I was missing DS1 anyway), but then I never heard from XP the rest of the day.

WTF?

Incidentally have ignored that text too, would usually leap to my own defence and get drawn in, but, shall not do that, shall rant on here instead.

Hoorah for Mumsnet.

Just rant away and do not reply to anything apart from arranging collect and drop off for the boys he will EVENTUALLY get the hint that you won't be drawn in anymore!

It sounds like he has a completely warped view of reality, one where he is infact a perfect father!! Keep ignore it, dont give in to dignifying him by answering! Could you just put a letter through his door reminding him of the contact agreement and requesting he sticks to it?

Oh FGS how pathetic - 'can't have them both at once'.

However, I still think you might want to investigate other possibilities rather than just stopping contact and saying 'take me to court'.

Do agree that you need to take back the control over communication, particularly if he's going to stroll up looking for a ruck in the night.

I'd write a letter, polite, unemotional, but very clear that banging on your door is harassment and that there needs to be a routine in the interests of the children, you await his ideas and will consider them. In the short term, you will make the children available at XYZ times (whatever you feel appropriate/suits you) and it is up to him to take up that offer. Also state that communication should be by whatever method you prefer, again in the short term, and that any abusive communication will be ignored.

That way, if he does take it to court he can't say that you have witheld contact (or at least, not without making a tit of himself).

That all said, contact with their Dad is important and as frustrating as it is, (and I'm prepared to be flamed, I just think this is an important point) it would be better to put a forward plan in place that gives them the best opportunity to have a relationship with him, given the parameters that he is a bit of a useless wanker and isn't going to turn into father of the year just because you've split up. So if you need someone to babysit for you so you can go out, get someone. Don't rely on him as you are just setting yourself up for failure, and his time with the boys should be organised with them in mind.

It is so sad for him, really, because of his stupidity he's going to miss out on watching his kids sleeping and they are SO beautiful at this age. But that's his choice. The boys don't have a choice and a few hours a week is better than no relationship with your Dad at all.

I agree don't refuse contact full stop, just don't let him dictate all the terms. Keep offering him the same days/times week in and week out and do the broken record thing.

Keep going, 3 years ago, my situation was almost exactly like yours, in fact the police had a long log of harassment complaints!
It was horrific and DD1 and myself needed counselling!
I would never have believed it but almost 4 years later, ex and I are actually amicable (ish) and access is regular (ish), just continue to IGNORE him, this is truly the most vital thing, and in the end you wont even want to repsond because you wont even care about him and what he does!
I promise form being there, it can get better, but it will need to come from you and its bloody hard work!

Thank you so much for the excellent advice and support- it is invaluable. It is easy to let one's judgement get clouded when you're in the misdt of it all isn't it?

I will start on that letter today and continue to ignore other contact.

And if you don't mind I'll rant on here whenever he annoys me.

OK two things to remember along with all the other good advice you've had here:
Your XP wants to continue bullying you and is using the DC as weapons, so the first thing to do is sort out as much as possible reliable sources of babysitting, whether that's finding a local childminder who can do odd hours at short-ish notice, or a trusted friend (so that XP can't screw up your arrangements). The second thing is to keep hold of the thought that while the DC have a right to a relationship with their father, however much of a wanker he is, your XP has NO right to any kind of relationship with YOU. You can refuse all contact with him, never let him in your house and have the handovers done by a third party and there is NO WAY that a court order will compel you to see or speak to him as long as he is allowed to see the DC.

Sorry you are going through this, my exh really annoys me re contact too. He usually has DS during the holidays but now assumes that ALL holidays are his and that he can just call me with a few hours notice to say I am coming tomorrow at 2pm or whatever nonsense.

No 'what time is good' but just a text saying' I will be picking up DS at x time'. WTF. So I just text him back saying please give me two weeks notice of your intention to pick DS up as he is never consistent with the holiday contact anyway. It just riles me up so much.

Thanks again, all advice appreciated. Still ignoring his texts/calls and still in process of writing letter which I will post through his door tomorrow.

It seems my situation is far from unique. What is it with these men? Know they shouldn't all be tarred with same brush but it makes me wonder.

I sent him an email following the suggestions of Tanga, basically outlining all future communication to be in writing, email or letter. I asked him to specify when he wanted to see the boys, basically a contact routine.

He replied, (well he got someone to do so on his behalf, I can tell it wasn't him although it was signed from him) that due to work he sometimes has to work wknds, some evenings etc etc, he did want to see DS1 some fridays, overnight but basically, it was very vague, no specific times or dates. He also said he wanted to see them at least twice a week and that he wanted daily phone calls to DS1. DS1 is only 2 so I don't think this is very important, I think it's XPs easy option of trying to appear to be a concerned dad without actually putting any time or effort in.

I don't want phone contact because I think this will result in unpleasantries between XP and I. Also, he (or whoever has written the email) said he awaits my reply.

There is not much to reply to- I need specific times and dates for contact and I want to see a routine. I want the contact to be for both boys not just DS1 and if this means he can only cope for an hour with both boys then so be it. I think that's in the boys' best interest.

Any advice greatly appreciated before I reply.

Excuse the slightly nonsensical sentence structure, I have had two babychams.

I would reply back. Something along the lines of:

If you are not willing to commit to regular contact which would be in the boys best interests then you need to give me 3 full days notice. Contact must be for both boys together not just one.

I will not agree to telephone contact with the boys I am, however, willing for you to have contact 3 times per week as this is in their best interests.

Keep ignoring all other methods of communication.

Supercherry I feel for you. It's so fraustrating when they are like this.

My exH & I split up 3 years ago when dc's were 3&4. He phoned them daily which I asked him to at first but it carried on for 3 years to the point where I felt it was intruding on my life & of no real benefit to the kids so I told him to only phone twice a week. I still haven't managed to get the alternate weekends arrangement that I would like for the kids so we all know where we stand because he likes to be "flexible", sometimes I just want to punch him!

The advice here is right tho, stick to your guns & don't be bullied (it's too easy ime to be bullied when you feel vulnerable) & it can't be easy for you living so close. I agree that you should stick to email or letter contact, it's easier to think things thru and not let anger get in the way, that's how i now conduct all communication with exh. You are the one who has the right to set visiting arrangements, I have recently seen a solicitor who confirmed this & told me to put my foot down! She said if he doesn't agree he'd have to take me to court who 99% of the time will set every other weekend anyway. Like you, at the start I thought we could be amicable, which we were for a while as i had no other life (not saying that is the case with you!) & he got what he wanted but it made it all the harder to enfrce things when I did start to want my own life and a break from the kids. Stay strong, and rant on here, don't show him he's getting to you.

Hope that's not too garbled!
Good luck x