Ex letting me down over contact....

[Supercherry]

I'm struggling to keep my cool here and I really don't want to let him upset me or make me angry anymore.

Ex agreed to have DS1 today- I am supposed to be doing a favour for a friend where I can't really take the DCs along. I just called him to ask when he was coming round and he is on his way to Slough- over a 100 miles away!

He said he never agreed a time but tomorrow surely means during the day?

I think he is doing it deliberately but I just don't get it. I suppose if he was a nob during the relationship then that isn't going to change?

What do I do- I just want some routine for the DCs so I know when I have some time to myself etc.

Do I make him go to court?

Thanks ever so much Cargirl and Kipperthedog. Sorry you went through this too. I really would love to have a regular break from the boys so I can get jobs done and have a little bit of time for me. I know, however, that XP will do all he can to mess things up for me.

So, think it's best not to have any expectations of him being reliable. That's why I'm not going to insist on any particular amount of time or day for contact. I want it to come from him so there is no argument. The only specification is that there is a routine, not ad hoc (as someone else mentioned), and that he sees both boys together.

I am going to have to explore some other avenues in order to get a break for myself (as some of you have suggested). I have my mum and sister and the MIL too, hopefully.

It's really weird but I have always been very friendly with MIL and I hope things remain this way. Good for the boys and good for me. I just hope me finally putting my foot down with XP doesn't put a spanner in the works with his family.

I doubt it would, IMO if you've always got on well with her & she loves her grandkids I assume, I would think she could see her son is being unreasonable.

Yes try & get some other help if you can, if you have your mum & sis that's great. I had no one that lived nearby & it is horrible to have to totally rely on that one person especially if they're being an arse! He will see that you don't reply on him 100% to get some time for you.

I know it sounds harsh but perhaps, if you want it to come from him, you should say that he can't see the dc's until he makes a set arrangement? I would imagine it wouldn't take long for him to come to his senses.

How long have you been apart btw?

Must be really hard for you having them full time on your own, there were times when I just didn't know who I was anymore I found it overwhelming (not saying you feel the same but IME of course) and the idea of getting any house work done or anything for me was ridiculous. All I can say is it will get easier with time, especially as dc's get older & I am sure you're doing a wonderful job so keep your chin up x

Supercherry - are you me reading your posts is exactly like my life.
The texts he sent to you explaining that he is superdad are almost word for word what I get.

I have eventually decided after 2 years that I cannot be nice anymore. I have decided not to speak on the phone (he has phoned 3 times already tonight) and only deal with e-mail/text.

I also feel like I cannot have a life as I never know what he is doing in advance and he expects to see them when it suits.

I also have a good relationship with his mum and for the sake of the children don't want to lose that and that has held me up being firm but I know I have to be.

Kipperthedog, thank you for your kind words. We have been apart for around 6mths but it was also very on/off prior to that anyway. I knew it was never going to work but gave him far too many chances to change. I really wanted him to change.

It is very hard at times being a single parent isn't it? But, in reality, it was no easier with XP. He was never a partner or any kind of support to me, it was like having a third child.

Things are generally much calmer now and easier, the house is tidier. The boys are happy. I tend to find I have highs and lows. Mostly highs though. I am on the go all day- I am always multi tasking. Lets hope I don't run out of steam!

Feelrubbish- sorry you're in the same situation. You're making the right decision though. Having no contact with them is the only way to avoid the grief they cause.

Supercherry, yes it is extremely hard at times being a single parent, there's no doubt about that. I found not having anyone to back me up & share the day to day groans with was hard (altho MN certainly helped!). It does get easier tho, like you say my ex H wasn't a massive help either & I felt a lot more relaxed without him around. It took me a while but then I really enjoyed being a single mum & doing things my way without anyone else moaning!! Even silly things like getting what I liked when I went shopping seemed like a big deal!

You do need some time for you tho, like you say multi tasking non stop is exhausting & everyone has their limits. Do try & get your Mum or sis to have the boys for even a couple of hours once a week if you can. I know it's not a lot but it will give you a break (without relying on ex-p) & it's time when you can do whatever you want for you.

I'd also like to say that there is also hope for the future in the relationship sense. I was single Mum for 3 years & thought I'd be on my own forever really, but I now have a wonderful dp who looks after us all & I am finally getting the support we all deserve. I'm not in any way trying to gloat just trying to show that there is light at the end of the tunnel which sometimes seems to go on forever.

Have you heard anymore from ex-p in the last day or so?

feelingrubbish, sorry to hear you're in the same boat. It's so fraustrating that men can be such arses. I can only give you the same advice as for supercherry, stay firm, keep your chin up & remember that you're doing a great job with dc's

I finally received XP's email stating what contact he would like with the boys. Both boys 2 teatimes during the week, amounting to a total of 3hrs. DS1 friday night but he wants to drop him off at 10am saturday morning- this amounts to an extra 4.5hrs awake time with DS1.

He doesn't appear to want any time during the day at all That means DS1 won't get to anything nice with his dad. DS2 is only 6mths, how can he form a bond with his dad in 3hrs each week?

I am quite upset for the boys. I am disappointed that XP doesn't want them more, not for me but for the boys. But, on the other hand, what is his loss is my gain.

I saw MIL today, she was nice as usual, thank goodness.

Hopefully the bond will grow, he will grow up a bit and actually want to spend more time with them etc.

It's a step forward that he has actually agreed to something, hopefully that is a positive step forward.

Well done, it is positive. See it as a starting point. If he genuinely has to work some evenings/weekends or whatever, then better to agree to a minimum level of definite contact, and let him add to it - so hopefully he can have DS1 all of Sarurday morning sometimes, so long as he lets you know in advance.

Also, I think you should sound him out about when he plans to have both boys on Friday nights - as you say, not fair on the little one.

He must get his shifts in advance from work. My husband works shifts which means that he doesn't have set days off every week and he works a mixture of days/nights so organising contact with his daughter is difficult. So he sends her Mum a list of his days off in advance, so things are planned 1-3 months in advance and everyone knows what is happening and can make plans.

It's not fair for him to be informing you day to day what's going on. I would insist on him letting you know the days he is available for these tea-time contact sessions well in advance. Good luck.

Thanks again for the advice. I have asked him about when he will see both boys the same amount of time, just waiting to hear back.

I suppose it is positive, but I still think it's a bit pathetic how little he actually wants to see them. He is all talk, he is always going on about how much he loves them, but that's all a bit pointless unless you actually spend time with them.

Regarding his shifts at work, he works at a football club so only works saturdays when there is a match on but I think the season has finished now so he is free saturdays.

XP has just told me he cannot have boys tomorrow as he has to work late.

I have told him I'm taking it to court and don't bother tonight.

I'm angry again. Have I been rash?

You don't have to take him to court. Just refuse further contact then he will have to take you to court to get contact.

It's a bit rash but it seems like he is refusing to even try and give you notice etc he must have known he was working late before now?

Thanks Cargirl. I got a bit angry with him and actually phoned him.... I know, silly really, but it actually worked for once. He said he no longer had to work late and then saw the boys as planned, no problems.

All's well that ends well.

No idea why he had to cause the problem in the first place though.

Lets hope this a sign of things to come.