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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP!

46 replies

thisishowifeel · 15/05/2010 23:50

My dd(5)has just rung home in floods of tears. Obviousy...she is too little to do this by herself. It's nearly fucking midnight!

I don't know what has happenned as h refuses to have a conversation with me.

She is miles away. She is 5 She is distressed...can't get through to any helpline...saturday night etc.

I have rung back...he put the phone down.

Help please? Advice anything.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 15/05/2010 23:52

How far is she away from you....is there anyone who can call round and check on her?

Lauriefairycake · 15/05/2010 23:52

So you and your ex have split? She is with him?

She has possibly got hold of the phone late at night?

TopsyKretts · 15/05/2010 23:53

I don't understand the context- can you explain?

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 15/05/2010 23:55

We have separated...it's an overnight contact. He is there, but won't talk to me. She is very upset.

There is no one I can ask to check.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 15/05/2010 23:56

can you text him and say unless he explains what is going on you will call on them to return her

TheSteelFairy2 · 15/05/2010 23:57

Personally I would call the police.

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 15/05/2010 23:57

I have rung womens aid...I know what they will say.

I fucking HATE what he is doing to us.

She's only 5....

OP posts:
KnickKnack · 15/05/2010 23:58

is she close enough that you can drive over and check?

does she know him well? has been there before etc?

have you tried sending him a text (calm, reasoned, etc)

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 15/05/2010 23:58

Clarify....can't get through to WA.

OP posts:
TopsyKretts · 15/05/2010 23:58

A combo of the two- tell him by text that if he doesn't call you within ten minutes you will be arriving to pick her up and will have alerted the police in case of trouble.

scurryfunge · 15/05/2010 23:58

What is he doing to you? Call the police now if you have concerns over her welfare

LadyLapsang · 16/05/2010 00:00

Do you think your ex put her on so you could talk / comfort her? Maybe she had a nightmare / feels poorly and just wanted to be comforted by you.

Are things so bad between you that he normally doesn't speak to you about how she is?

Could you send him a non-threatening text asking why she was crying as you are concerned.

Cogitoergosum · 16/05/2010 00:02

He's obviously being extremely unreasonable by not talking to you about it, and I do understand how distressing it is as a mother to not be able to comfort your child, but I would imagine that as long as you are sure that he's looking after her properly then it's not so uncommon for five year olds to get upset and want to speak to an absent parent.

It's a bit odd that she's still up at this time of night, she's probably over tired and overly emotional as a result.

I think calling the police is a bit OTT, I guess you're just going to have to trust that he'll do the right thing by her for now, and try calling again in the morning?

Best of luck.

Lauriefairycake · 16/05/2010 00:03

He may not be being unreasonable - he may be snuggling with his daughter/comforting her til she falls asleep.

Agree to send him a non-threatening text asking if everything's ok and if he needs any help.

LadyLapsang · 16/05/2010 00:04

OK - just read your comments about WA - if he has been abusive or you are concerned about her safety I would call the police.

dignified · 16/05/2010 00:04

Oh no.
If there isnt anyone who could either go and check or collect her, i would call the police if he abusive.

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 16/05/2010 00:05

She loves her daddy...but she wants to come home. I don't know what has happened.

I have tried to be calm...that's why I need a WA person...they know the tricks...this is almost certainly one of them.

It's instinct though...aaagghh!

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 16/05/2010 00:05

Why the thought of Women's Aid and the comment about what he is doing to you? That prompted my comment about the police. What is the history?

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 16/05/2010 00:10

Ok.... I rang again....she's calm now.

Sorry to worry, but after after the last few weeks....

And, why is she still up so late? She says she wants to come home first thing.

I will still speak to WA though....like the "cancer" thing... this is almost certainly a "thing they all do".

May have to stop all contact until he gets help..As advised.

OP posts:
dignified · 16/05/2010 00:11

You know what you know about him , its not uncommon for them to upset the child and then let them make a distressing phone call.

You know her best, if shes not usually like this something has gone on. He doesnt get to do this to either you or her. Imagine if she was on a sleepover with a freind , she rings you in tears and then the parents put the phone down on you. Whatever you would do in that situation do it in this ,, he doesnt get special rights because hes related.

dignified · 16/05/2010 00:12

Glad shes calm now .

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 16/05/2010 00:19

Scurry.....lots of name changes I'm afraid as he stalks me on here.

He is a textbook abuser. I have had lot's of help...freedom programme etc, but these things come along and as they desire....it hurts...gets you where it hurts. That's the point.

He is not supposed to talk to me face to face anymore...or as it happens by phone...so tonight threw that one out of the window.

He had a go at ds this afternoon at pickup...made him very anxious... then sent an email asking if ds wanted to go to his next Friday. Poor DS is terrified to say no, because of the reation...asking me to feign an illness for him etc.

It's all so wrong. And because it's emotional, not not physical, it's not illegal.

Want my baby.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 16/05/2010 00:22

Emotional abuse of the children is wrong and you need to go back to the courts to adapt the contact to reflect this.

Keep recording evidence of this.

It sounds very wrong and I feel for you and your children.

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 16/05/2010 00:23

Dignified....you know after my post earlier this evening, I should know better. I know that's what happened..in my heart...it is NOT like her, and if it was at a friends...they would have ONLY HER BEST INTEREST at heart...not some fucked up self serving weird shit going on.

I want my baby safe at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishowifeel · 16/05/2010 00:25

And the bastard is keeping me awake all fucking night again.

I was just thinking how nice it was to have an undisturbed night...regularly.

OP posts: