HELP!

[thisishowifeel]

My dd(5)has just rung home in floods of tears. Obviousy...she is too little to do this by herself. It's nearly fucking midnight!

I don't know what has happenned as h refuses to have a conversation with me.

She is miles away. She is 5 She is distressed...can't get through to any helpline...saturday night etc.

I have rung back...he put the phone down.

Help please? Advice anything.

Oh god, how sad. So you're pretty sure this is a ploy - he's used DD to get at you? She won't be in immediate danger?

when's she due home?

oh I really feel for you My ex used to do this, get DD1 all upset , call me, so I knew she was upset, then refuse to talk to me, or send me very odd texts purposefully designed to worry me!
Emotional abuse of children is so hard to prove, and the courts dont really seem to get it
My ex doesnt have my girls overnight anymore , I just said no more, take me to court, he never did!
Thoughts, you'll have her back tomorrow x

What is the position in regards to stopping contact ? They just dont stop do they , i sympathise.

I didnt stop contact, I just said I wasnt happy for him to have them overnight, and to take me to court, luckily my ex never did!
The problem with the courts, is they just dont seem to get the emotional abuse thing!

oops sorry didnt finish, I think they look at the "is the child in danger with the parent", and if course their definition of danger is physical not emotional!
Dont let him do it to her, let him take it to court!

Supposed to be home at lunchtime....but she says she wants to come home first thing.

So many things....

There are so many things here. She won't go for a wee when very stressed...to the point that she has had cystitis. She was complaining of hurty wee pipes on the phone.

My neice used to do something similar, at a similar age and OH LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT! bIG ISN'T IT.

Which means nothing....It's just there.

very unMNetty I know but

Thank you MD.

I can try and reassure you, when my ex and I first split, DD1 was 5 and DD2 a baby!
He used to use DD1 a lot to get at me, there are threads on here from that time
DD1 is nearly 9 now, and very wise to her father, she has no expectaion of him, and he cannot really manipulate her anymore, lots of love, and support and consistency from me (not that I am perfect, far from it, can shout and lose it), but she knows were she is with me, and she knows what he is!
It gets better! How long have you been seperated?

3 months.

This is without question, the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through.

It is complicated , although I find, not unusual, by the involvement of my mother and sisters in a very negative way.

I pity him...we were drawn together by a shared history.... the difference being... he will not face up to his. I have no choice.

It will get better, just look out for yourself and your children, and you will come out the other side, better, happier and stronger, and he wont be able to hurt you or control any of you again!
But it takes time, in the early days after we split, he stepped it up so much, involved his family in coilluding with him, and I very nearly lost my mind, in fact I think I was mad for a little while!

3 years later, we are all happy, and he has very little power over us anymore!

Be strong, it will be ok!

When I say we, I mean me and my DD's. I have no idea whether he is happy, nor do I care!

thisishowifeel - so sorry ,how awful

He is using her to get to you,the sick bastard.

Maybe she was upset about something like a nightmare,and he just put the phone to her opportunistically knowing how this would upset you...

Poor dd and poor you,it is wrong and bad

With you,hang in there xx

I'm so sorry for you and your poor, stressed little kids. I'm glad you have mums with comparable experience here to share.

Hope you managed to get some sleep. Will be wishing you all a peaceful Sunday. xxx

Thank you all for your support. If only he could see the damage being done...but he can't.

Thinking of you and children.
How are you ? When will she be coming home?

He just rang....see this way he gets to speak to me doesn't he.

He's taking her to soft play and then home. I spoke to her, she slept in daddies new big bed. Her voice is so little, she is so vulnerable. If only he could see. He is perpetuating our childhoods, now, today, and is so disconnected, he can't see that a five year old little love heart is getting badly, badly hurt. She ususlly comes inside my dressing gown when she's feeling upset with the world...it smells of me, and as she says..."it has my love on it". I will wrap her up in it when she gets home, and we'll find a disney film to snuggle in front of...she will be very tired.

At least he's bought himself a bed, after more than three months...maybe the penny is beginning to drop?

I am knackered.

Thank you again for all the love and support here. xx

Morning thisis, I was thinking of you, hope you got some sleep and your Dd will be home soon!

Some advice from my experience, dont try to understand, explain, discuss or expect him to understand or want to, its all about him, all he can see is he is a wonderful dad, I am sure he loves them, but as an extension/belongining of him! And he knows a sure fire way to upset and control you!

As soon as you regain the ability to ignore him, you and your DC will be much better!! This is what took me the longest time, and still now I chant in my head "ignore ignore ignore"! It is wasted energy to try and explain to them!

I decided I was never going to slag their father off to my girls, but I also didnt want to let them think his behaviour was right or normal, I didnt want them to pattern relationships and men on him!! I also didnt want to let him carry on blaming me, he used to sit DD1 down and explain at length to her (she was 5 FFS), exactly how it was all my fault, how I had found anouther boyfriend and thats all I cared about

I had no idea how to deal with it or all the emotions and trauma my poor DD was trying to process (I still hate him for the nights she spent sobbing hysterically )!
In the end I phoned Women's Aid, I never had the courage to do it for myself , but for my DD I did, and am so very glad I did, they are wonderful amazing people, they helped me such a lot, my DD1 had a number of sessions with their youth worker which helped, they thought she needed a bit more support and referred us to the NSPCC who run a mother & child group for children who have/are living in domestic abuse situations, what a fantastic course it was!
I was very worried it was going to paint him as the bad guy and confuse her and upset her even more, but it doesnt, the children have a group together (usually 6-8), and the mums at the same time!
It really helped her....and me...in learning how to deal with him! They explain to the children, that its ok to love someone, its just their behaviour that you dont like! There is lots more, but it was a fantastic tool and even now I can use what we learnt there!

I really feel for you, I've been where you are and it was the very darkest time of my life, you can and will get through it, I can promise that!

Today my girls have gone off with their dad, both happy, I have a few hours to get some stuff done, they will be back at lunchtime maybe a little grumpy but by dinner we will be back to normal, its ok now

oh xposted - am glad to hear it!
Funny, both XH and I had abusive childhood too, and I am determined my girls dont repeat the pattern!
Try to interact with him as little as possible, you are right it is just a way to control you! I try not to speak to XH when he has the girls, just grit my teeth, I told him if he needs to tell me anything improtant to text me and I will contact him he hates that!

Also when DD1 was a bit older I got her a cheap mobile phone, it helped a lot, her knowing she could contact me whenever she needed, after a while she didnt need it, it was a crutch more than anything!

Wrap yourself and her up in a big snuggly quilt.

Remember ,tihif, although she has been upset by this,it is likely that you are hurting more than she is.....you are identifying with her as the hurt little girl that you were,and the feelings you had and still carry.Made more intense by your anger with xh and feelings of loss.....

Whereas your dd knows she can tell you how she feels and that you will help her with difficult feelings, and that she has a lovely safe home with you where she will be snuggled and loved by her mummy.

You are protecting her.She will have a different ,healthy perspective on the unhappy experience because of you.

That is the balance that you didn't have (nor me). That's why this hurts you so much.

Keep strong and be proud of yourself.
I am here all day as I am spending the day snuggled up with youngest dd's too.

xxx

He will be receiving a letter from my solicitor in the next few weeks, making it very clear that the only communication I will have is via email or text. No speaking to me, coming into the house, no visits to my family etc etc.

If he wants those arrangements to change in any way, he must complete a lifeline programme for perpetrators, or recieve properly targeted psychotherapy. Which he won't.

Next problem...ds does not want to go and stay there, but is too scared of his reaction to tell him. The dc's have now been allocated a support worker, so hopefully that will be a good issue to get going with. Both children can spot defining behaviour at a thousand paces now, which is such a good thing.

You're right PM, It is that litte me I am wrapping up in snuggles too. That horrible sick feeling is from my childhood...it's much too familiar. Snuggling her is healing for all of us.

What would I do without MN?