Do you think that women can be predators and that men often just can't/don't want to see it until it's too late?

[TheFemaleOfTheSpecies]

There is a woman who works in my dh's office who I would describe as a predator in that she has relationships only with men who are either married or in relationships. She has had relationships with at least two married men in the office, the first one left the company because of it, the other one his wife found out and warned her off, but they remained close and she still spends quite a lot of time with him apparently. She has latched on to a group of different blokes in the office now, one of whom is my dh, and regularly goes out with them at lunchtime etc.

A few months ago dh went out with some people from work, he'd arranged to stay with one of the guys in the office, anyway somehow the conversation got round to where dh was staying and this woman, knowing where he was staying, offered him a bed for the night. he declined, but still couldn't see that there was anything inappropriate about her offering even given her reputation.

Obviously I appreciate that it takes two to have an affair, and I trust my dh totally. But I do not trust this woman, and I can see from a mile off how she seems to operate, by befriending people and then getting closer to them by chatting etc, and then presumably more (as must have happened with the other blokes.

Dh says he doesn't fancy her, I've pointed out that it doesn't matter what someone looks like physically, it's the personality that ultimately counts.

The final straw has come this week, We had a hobby that we shared when we were younger, and dh recently had the opportunity to do this again. Unfortunately I have not been able to be included in this due to circumstances. However dh mentioned yesterday that this woman mentioned that she also does this hobby and would like someone to do it with her.

I pointed out that I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

So what do you think? Is it possible that a woman can go after men like this? Obviously some and probably many men do resist, and dh is adament that he has no interest in her. But am I right or wrong to feel uneasy about her intentions?

She's a predator - no doubt. If he does this hobby with her she'll see it as a green light. Although he isn't interested in her it won't stop her trying. He needs to keep his distance.

Yup- she sounds toxic. I would just let dh know that you are uncomfortable.

Yes of course women can be predatory. It always strikes me as terribly sexist to suggest otherwise. Women will ask for what they want, just as men always have - and there are certainly women who only want attachments with unavailable men, just as there are OM who go after married women all the time.

To get to the nub of this though, if you feel uncomfortable about this woman engaging in a hobby with your H, say so and don't feel bad about so doing. Reverse the situation for your H and ask him how he would feel if the office "player" asked you to socialise outside of work, even if you'd made it clear you weren't interested in him in the slightest. I expect your H would also feel iffy about this, not because he doesn't trust you, but he wouldn't want an OM thinking there might be a chance.

The only friendships that are comfortable are with people who wish the marriage well and who aren't hoping to sleep with one of the spouses. It's a pretty successful rule for marital harmony.

If what you say about this woman is true, she's probably got a pretty well-crafted modus operandi by now, no doubt involving lots of flattery and attention, which can be pretty seductive however happy and settled your H might be. Yet people always underestimate how good this feels, until they've got sucked in and become addicted to the feelings this gives them, if not the affair partner.

So you're wise to be concerned and have every right to express your discomfort.

I would also feel uneasy, and id want dh to stop having lunch or socializing with her , right now. Does he know how you feel ?

In my experience, men are often very naive about this type of women (and sadly they do exist). All I can say is that no matter how innocent your DH is there, would still come a point when he will realise she is coming on to him. If he loves you, nothing will or ever can happen. Mind you, I still wouldn't be encouraging them to have a joint hobby!

Thank you, dh thinks I am unnecessarily paranoid so it's good to know that apparently I'm not.

Yes he knows how I feel about this woman. I have no issue with him having female friends on the whole but I've made it very clear that given her reputation it's only normal to be suspicious of her motives, even if she does socialize with them all as a group on the majority of occasions, it's the little things such as the offering a bed for the night that set alarm bells ringing.

He says that it feels to him as if I don't trust him but that's not it at all, I trust him, it's her I don't trust.

So reverse it and don't accept being made to feel paranoid. Ask him what he would think were the intentions of the office lothario who offered you a bed for the night?

These double standards annoy me.

Your H might protest, but it's amazing how easily people get involved in affairs with people they wouldn't normally touch with a barge pole. That's because they get so very addicted to the flattery, the attention and the (illusory) feeling that someone is thinking of them all of the time. Very often when scrutinised in the cold light of day - and after stopping all contact with the affair partner - the married person looks back in amazement that they felt this way about someone who was so very unsuitable, in every way.

But they look back from a position of wreckage and then spend their lives regretting their complete idiocy. If your H thinks he is above such feelings, he is kidding himself.

It is pretty impossible not to feel flattered by someone telling you how gorgeous and wonderful you are - and it's similarly difficult to dislike someone who likes you that much. Be particularly wary too if your H has any "rescuer" tendencies - and is a sucker for a damsel in distress. It is another commonly-used ploy.

What wwifn said!

Message deleted

absolutely they can... we've just been on the wrong end of one who is just as you describe.. only seems to form relationships with married/attached men. Sadly my dp WAS taken in by her and they did have an affair and now she's proving to be quite difficult to shake off :/

Your husband needs to run very far in the opposite direction from her because it seems the approach is very subtle and it all happens almost without the man realising what's happening til it's too late - I'm not saying the men are blameless but they don't seem to pick up the same signals we do.

Interestingly your OP describes the woman in our case almost to a T, wonder if it's the same person, lol

If a person's that foolish as to have an affair or get involved with someone like this, they aren't worth having, IMO.

Korkii writes sense.

Shwo your DH this thread.

He would fucking hate it if the office player offered you a bed for the night and wanted to do a hobby with you. Don't allow him to make this an issue of you trusting him - it's not about trust, it's about not taking unnecessary risks with your relationship. Even if they don't have an affair, even if she doesn't come on to him, having someone there in one of your lives, with whom one of you actively spends free time, who is not a friend to your marriage, is not something any couple should encourage. You should spend your leisure time with people who support you, not those who undermine you. (Work time is different - you don't necessarily have control over that).

I agree about showing him this thread.

Think you are right to be wary OP, she sounds like trouble - which is not to cast any aspersions on your DH. The issue with sharing a hobby is that suddenly their relationship has moved from being colleagues at work to being friends outside work, with a shared interest and the option to spend time together... this then leads to joint experiences, new reasons for her to seek out your DH at work, have little jokes. offer more invitations, find ways of spending more time together.
A whole new level of intimacy is created very quickly, as is the opportunity for her to do something about it.

Oh I have come across a few women like this, the only attraction to them is that these men are married or in a relationship, they would'nt look twice otherwise.

btw, does your DH actually like this woman (I mean "like", not "fancy")? Just ask as I know my DH would have found it quite hard to have any respect or liking for a colleague who had had affairs with married colleagues, if things escalate, perhaps ask him why he would want to spend time with her?

there is a situation in my place of work where a married man is having a sex based affair with a woman he normally wouldn't look at in a million years. He doesn't even like her but she offers sex on a plate.

To answer the OP - I agree that there are predatory woman like this. Usually low self-esteem is at the back of it - they are trying to bolster their self image by being able to "take" a man off another woman.

This type of woman is precisely the reason why my exH and I got divorced. This woman only ever went after men who were married or who were in a relationship.

Nip this in the bud now.

The men who fall for this are only showing their true colours anyway. I can't abide this attitude of "poor stupid men, they can't help it". They can and they do.

Mampam, the reason you got divorced wasn't down to this woman, it was down to your ex not being man enough to say no to her advances.

My DH is definitely a "rescuer" type, he's never been "tricked" into infidelity though, he knows where his priorites are, with me.

God help us if we have to "protect" men from big, scary women, why would you even want to be with someone you had to mother like that?

It's really quite pathetic.

Mal I don't think anyone is saying that men are poor, stupid or cannot help it. What I am saying however is that people (not just men) show a remarkable lack of self-awareness and foresight that flattery, sexual desire and adoration can be intoxicating and addictive. I think anyone is vulnerable to that, especially if they have a life filled with responsibilities, which is the norm for most married people with families.

It's why these boards are full of women pining after lost loves that have been discovered again on Facebook - they've become addicted to a man telling them how gorgeous and wonderful they are - at a time when they feel like a pack-horse, working and bringing up a family.

I understand why it happens - and anyone who says they are not flattered by lots of attention is being disingenuous IMO. But the wise souls are the people who recognise it for what it is, understand that if it continues, it will become intoxicating - and stop it in its tracks.

It sounds as though the OP's husband though is far from wise - and thinks he is immune to all that. I don't think anyone is immune to flattery. IME, the people who do think they are immune are actually the most vulnerable.

I think you really need to imagine how you will feel if they do engage in this hobby together and then tell your DH how it would make you feel. You need to be really clear about it. If you do feel even a tiny bit threatened, you need to say and he needs to address that.

I didn't do this in a similar situation and 'allowed' my DH to spend whole days away at a hobby with a female predator type, trying to be cool about it. There is no doubt in my mind now, that those times they spent together at this hobby, brought them closer together and undermined our relationship. I so wish I had said how threatened I felt and asked him on no account to go together.

You could present it to him as an expression of how much you value your marriage and want to protect it and wouldn't he want to do the same in roles were reversed.

Thank you for responses.

Just to clarify, I am certain that my dh has no intentions of having an affair with this woman.

In fact to be fair to him, I think the reason why he just doesn't see what she's like is because he thinks it just doesn't apply to him because he just has no intentions of cheating, with her or anyone.

But I want him to see what she's like, because IMO not recognizing it is potentially the slippery slope.

Everyone is open to flattery. But if you can recognize that the flatterer does so with a specific goal in mind then you can protect yourself against it IMO.

I agree OP. The trouble with this one though is that people are spectacularly obtuse about when a friendship has crossed the line and as long as they can tell themselves that they aren't going to cheat, are not sexually interested in another person, or that the friend is not sexually interested in them, the line when it's crossed can be pretty imperceptible.

What usually fuels these relationships is secrecy - and you have that to celebrate. He is in fact telling you what has been said. If he is so clueless that he cannot see the agenda of an interested woman offering him a bed for the night, it is just as well.

Without wanting to fuel any paranoia on your part, if you don't have that conversation with him and discuss the issues, be watchful for any "silence" about this woman in the future.

But far better to have an honest dialogue now about safe friendships, double-standards and vulnerabilities to flattery and attention.