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Original poster

New BF super clever, i am super thick. Can it work?

44 replies

PintandChips · 14/05/2010 20:35

So, for all sorts of reasons, i left school at 15. After a fairly disastrous adulthood i find myself a 40 year old single mother of one.
I have met someone... who i am very attracted to... he has about 4 thousand degrees, is super intelligent academic type... i feel silly and stupid around him.
I asked him him if he'd prefer to be with someone closer to him intellectually and he said that sometimes, for a few minutes, he finds my lack of education frustrating (my words), but that kindness and thoughtfulness (blah blah blah) are important too.
does this disparity matter? He's also AA and i drink like a (small) fish. maybe that's part of it too.
I can't decide whether or not this stuff is important - or whether it's just my own insecurity talking.
advice and direction required, clearly too stupid to make decisions alone.

OP posts:
thesouthsbelle · 14/05/2010 20:38

well if he's happy with the situation as it is. does he make you feel that you're super thick or is that hat you're assuming he thinks?

purplepeony · 14/05/2010 20:41

I think only time will tell, TBH.

You cannot be anyone you aren't so don't try to change yourself to fit in with him.

How long have you been seeing him?

What's the attraction? do y ou have plenty to talk about or common interests?

TBH it wouldn't work fo rme if it was the other way round- all my men have been graduates or similar and I need intelligent conversation and stimulation.

However, I know some high powered men who are with women who are home-makers, have no higher education and seem on the surface not to be a good match.

I think you need to wait and see.

BelleDameSansMerci · 14/05/2010 20:43

Just because you're not an intellectual (and that may only be because you weren't given the opportunity) doesn't make you thick...

I'd say "wait and see".

queenclarion · 14/05/2010 20:45

Perhaps give yourself a break.

There is a difference between not having had much education and being thick. You don't come across as thick in your post and I can't see any spelling mistakes in it. You are not as educated as he is, but you could be just as clever as he is. If you have converstaions where you connect, then I would think it's fine.

He may know lots, but how clever is he really if you strip that knowledge away?

What might be a problem is if he make you feel stupid. Don't put yourself down, anyway. Some people are intellectual snobs and think that if they have gone through a lot of education/read a lot of books then it somehow makes them "clever". It doesn't.

queenclarion · 14/05/2010 20:46

I have a typo in my post, however

purplepeony · 14/05/2010 20:46

that's what I think too..

I have a friend who left school at 16 and calls herself thick but she is really very bright. She went to a grammar school but didn't get 1 O level ( as it was then) and thinks she is dim..but at the time her parents were divorcing and she lost her way with school.

Are you thinking you are thick because you didn't pass exams?

There must be something that attracts him to you apart from your kindness!

ShowOfHands · 14/05/2010 20:48

Oh gosh academic achievement is not the only measure of intelligence. Emotional intelligence, perception, sense, intuition, ability to learn etc.

And anyway, I'm super clever and dh is right fick and we muddle through somehow.

Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 20:50

well i have always gone for men more intelligent than me, i am attracted to it.
I am making assumptions about what he thinks about me, yes, but on the basis of evidence! Like when we go and see films and he will compare them to some other director's work, or to a play, or whatever, and i'm saying 'Well i just thought it was shit because it was SHIT'.
That kind of stuff.
We do talk, but the frame of reference is so different and all my insecurities come out and i get all defensive and a bit narky because i feel like he's trying to beat me up with his superior knowledge - he has described me as 'bellicose' (i had to look it up).
I guess it's about accepting that i am who i am, and that's how it is.

OP posts:
queenclarion · 14/05/2010 20:55

I had to look up "bellicose" and I have a first class degree from Cambridge.

Huge difference between knowledge and intelligence and he obviously has a lot of knowledge and he is using it to make himself feel superior.

If I thought a film was shit, I'd say it was shit. Knowing about other directors is knowledge - not intelligence!

Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 20:56

It is totally about education and academic achievement - all his mates are from Oxford and the lot of them are so clever... not posh though, all Northern Done Goods... which is somehow harder. I just feel like a dullard. I spent my twenties getting pissed and going to raves... OH to turn back the clock!
ShowofHands you are right, i know that, but somehow... it just doesn't wash.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 14/05/2010 20:58

Dh is more highly educated than me, he has a levels and a degree but I didn't have the opportunity to do that and are brighter than him.

Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 21:00

queenclarion - i'm so glad you had to look that up too. I can't decide whether he's using his knowledge as a weapon, or whether he's just being himself.
The thing is he's SO clever that my perception of my own intelligence is skewed... I used to think i was quite bright.
It's been about 2 months... the sex is OK though, so there is that.

OP posts:
thesouthsbelle · 14/05/2010 21:00

agree with quee,

you maybe practical you may have a bit of common dog - does he have that? tbh to a degree all the education in the world doesn't always mean that you know how to talk to folk, and stuff.

I think it's more about your perception of yourself, however I personally would get v annoyed with someone who I was with who deliberately tried to make me feel inadequate.

but you're not thick and you're not stupid.

Speckledeggy · 14/05/2010 21:01

Most of my men have been ficker than me too!

DH and I are pretty equal in the intelligence stakes. Even though I have a degree he still manages to earn twice as much as me. Maybe that makes me slightly more stupid...

Go out with him. See how he goes. If he's a pompous academic twat who has an air of intelligent superiority then it probably isn't going to work. Going to University and getting a degree isn't rocket science. Even I managed it!

CrispyTheCrisp · 14/05/2010 21:02

PintandChips, my DH has an amazing memory for stuff, mine is crap. So he can always reference stuff he is talking about whereas i can't. However in terms of education and work we are on a level. For my part i think i am much better at emotional intelligence and common sense/planning which he is pretty rubbish at.

I guess i am saying we all bring different stuff to a relationship and as long he isn't trying to 'outsmart' or belittle you then i would definitely say it can work

Also beware, he may actually be spouting shit but saying it with such an air of confidence that it makes you feel he must always be right/know what he is talking about which actually isn't the case at all. My DH is guilty of this sometimes and it is good to challenge

Hope that made some sense?

Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 21:02

And he's emotionally stunted. In my opinion (several glasses of wine into the evening).

OP posts:
CrispyTheCrisp · 14/05/2010 21:04

Pint - i am pretty sure my DH is somewhere on the Aspergers spectrum with his encyclopaedic knowledge but lack of emotional empathy

Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 21:05

yes Crispy! I am better at emotional intelligence and common sense and planning, but he acknowledges that in what i feel to be a patronising way - like, can i help him plan a journey because i'm SO much better at that stuff than him... clearly he's too full of deep thoughts to be able to work out a fucking train timetable.
I, on the other hand, can cook for a three year old and read Grazia AT THE SAME TIME.

OP posts:
CrispyTheCrisp · 14/05/2010 21:08

LOL, yes, multitasking is NOT an option for DH

anothermum92 · 14/05/2010 21:11

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Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 21:17

anothermum92, yes that is an issue. He has been AA for years, with one relapse. My dad was an unrecovered alcoholic (dead now, of it), so there is definitely stuff around that which perhaps we should talk about more, but it's difficult.
I don't really know how to address it - I don't drink loads, but i have done (as has he). It's like one more place where we can't meet.

OP posts:
KillerCleavage · 14/05/2010 21:19

I'm not clear whether it's you or him who is bothered. If it's you then you need to stop! You are not super thick!!

You need to forget about your educational differences and put it behind you and stop thinking - and telling him - that you are somehow his intellectual inferior. Your relationship won't stand a chance if you are already convinced that you are stupid compared to him. Be proud of yourself and what you've achieved. Degrees really aren't the be all and end all.

The most useless member of staff I've ever had got a first from Cambridge. A lovely girl, very intellectual but had absolutely zero common sense. She could debate policy until the cows came home but ask her to do anything remotely practical - like arrange a meeting/conference and it was a disaster.

You are NOT stupid so stop telling him and everyone else that you are!!

ItsGraceAgain · 14/05/2010 21:21

You sound very bright to me, Pint, and I'm reely fucking intelligent, got into Mensa and all. Using your own sparky mind, you seem to have noticed that spouting a load of acquired knowledge about comparative cinema does NOT amount to an opinion (especially as he seems to find it overbearing of you to actually have an opinion.) The silly man's probably frantic for you to feel he's smarter than you. I suspect you know he isn't.

With the sobriety thing as well, this sounds like an unnecessarily challenging relationship: you have fundamental incompatibilities. Still, as long as the sex is great - and until you get bored with putting him in his place - you may as well enjoy it for what it is

Original poster
PintandChips · 14/05/2010 21:29

Gosh, thanks you lot. I guess I got what I wanted here - like anyone was ever going to tell me that yes, perhaps i am aiming a bit too high and should perhaps swim in shallower waters...
Especially ItsGraceAgain, thanks. That worked.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 14/05/2010 21:31

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