New BF super clever, i am super thick. Can it work?

[PintandChips]

So, for all sorts of reasons, i left school at 15. After a fairly disastrous adulthood i find myself a 40 year old single mother of one.
I have met someone... who i am very attracted to... he has about 4 thousand degrees, is super intelligent academic type... i feel silly and stupid around him.
I asked him him if he'd prefer to be with someone closer to him intellectually and he said that sometimes, for a few minutes, he finds my lack of education frustrating (my words), but that kindness and thoughtfulness (blah blah blah) are important too.
does this disparity matter? He's also AA and i drink like a (small) fish. maybe that's part of it too.
I can't decide whether or not this stuff is important - or whether it's just my own insecurity talking.
advice and direction required, clearly too stupid to make decisions alone.

aha, anothermum, a potential co-dependency case lurking in the shadows? That would tie in with the intellectual infreiority/superiority complex, too, wouldn't it?

Eek. OP, maybe you'd be best advised to have as much great sex as you can get in a short space of time, then put a long distance between him and your self-esteem.

I'd watch him actually. Using a big, unusual word that not manny people will know what it means and making you feel stupid are his fault and if he was doing this often i'd get pissed off at his need to feel superior to me by making me feel worse.

many, tut and i've got a degree and am doing a masters.

Erm, you're quite plainly not thick!

I'd worry slightly about the potential for disagreements about drinking, though...

Educational qualifications are not remotely a foolproof indicatior of intelligence. You are not thick OP, you can use a computer and type a perfectly coherent, fluent post.
However, I am not sure you've made a wise choice in this man - some people who are recovering alcoholics are very keen to put other people down in an attempt to make themselves feel superior (because when you're an alcoholic you feel deeply inferior so you are desperate to feel better than someone).
Also, dating a recovering alcoholic is hard work if you enjoy a drink (I am not going to suggest that you have a drink problem because you have given no indication that you do and it's your business anyway). If a person is a recovering alcoholic of the sort who needs to put others down then s/he will pick away at you for drinking any alcohol at all (and you will, no matter what, start to feel anxious around drinking yourself because yo uwill wonder what s/he is thinking, whether you drinking is going to tempt him/her into drinking again even when your own drinking is perfectly moderate and healthy, and you may resent the fact that his/her problem is impacting on your enjoyment of life).

WHat is in this relationship for you, BTW? If all he does is sneer at you and overshare like all recovering 13-steppers tend to do, it doesn't sound like much fun.

Agree, quite plainly not thick at all.

I have had bugger all education on paper, but am very bright modest too and must admit OP I am a bit like you, easily intimidated, almost, by people with that uni education that I would have loved to have. A bit jealous too I suppose.

I would have had to look up bellicose too, and I am commonly referred to as a walking dictionary. I also have suspicions he is rather enjoying being 'the clever one' and is milking it and playing on your insecurities.

It would not surprise me in the least if you are of equal 'intelligence' or that you surpass him (life experience and all that).

I didn't sneer, SGB, though I confess to having over-shared

Unfortunately, this bloke seems overly fond of sneering & under-qualified in sharing. He sounds like something of a prat, but I'm worried about a co-dependent element here.

Lol, I could've written your post OP...

DP has three degrees. I, like Fab - "Dh is more highly educated than me, he has a levels and a degree but I didn't have the opportunity to do that and are brighter than him."

We did IQ tests a couple of years ago. He got 110 and I got 128

I have come to recognose that there's a difference between educated and not educated - that's all it is. Not about clever or otherwise - getting a degree is about opportunity, study & application, not necessarily being Einstein. You have other skills that he doesn't have. You are equals. Be your own person!

Agree that the AA issue is more important than the academic one. I have a masters in literature and am an editor, so I know LOADS of words , and I wouldn't use bellicose in general conversation unless I was having a deliberate laugh. You sound a bit too good for him, tbh. From your posts I wouldn't have guessed you to be 'uneducated' in a million years (and I am super-critical). My grandfather left school at 14 and he was one of the cleverest most knowledgeable people I've known. And he didn't have to show off to prove it...

Now I do happen to know what 'bellicose' means without looking it up, but it's not a word I would use in general conversation, more a word I would use for slapping someone down in an online squabble .

the other thing to remember that academic intelligence is only in one area, i'm doing my Phd in psychology so yes I know a reasonable amount about bits of psychology but I am crap at politics, history, geography.... Not bad at maths and english but I value my common sense and normality, I do not flounce around spouting big words and I love to read trash mags each week like reveal etc...

My dh doesn't have a levels or a degree but he is very knowledgeable about his area of work, plus he is uber knowledgeable about music, politics, history and geography, he uses words i'm not sure of the meaning of, and yes we did do the mensa test and I beat him but I do not class myself as 'smarter' than him and if anything I underplay my qualifications as they are not relevant in a relationship, only in work...

Tbh your bf sounds a bit pretentious and I would say enjoy it for now but keep your options open, years of being belittled will do you no good, be ready to leave when you want to, perhaps have a chat with him and tell him how you feel or show him bits of this thread....

You are not thick!

I've spent my life among academics, and ime the only ones that would use overambitious language like "bellicose" in general conversation are the ones who have (totally justified) doubts about their own ability.

He sounds very insecure, and that is a quality I would be wary of in a man. He will always feel the need to put you down whenever he feels insecure. Imo it doesn't matter terribly whether a man is highly intelligent or not, it doesn't matter terribly if he is highly educated or not, but it does matter if he feels comfortable in his own skin.

In my opinion, intelligent people are able to explain what they mean to others in simple, non-patronising, language.

If you have ever met people that are super intelligent they are sometimes so far removed from real life that they are not able to speak to ordinary people.

Ha Ha pippop, so true! The point about about being on the Aspergers spectrum may be relevant too - the cliche about the super-intelligent nerd in the corner at the party who doesn't know what to say to girls.

I used to work in a Uni. I remember trying to make small talk with a lecturer while I was sorting out his query & we were waiting for someone to come back to me on the phone - I said something about some development with the Prime Minister & he didn't even recognise the Prime Minister's name! But he was very clever in his own field, I'm sure

i want to say thanks to everyone for all this. It has really helped me. I think his use of excessively florid language in conversation with me (see what i did there?) IS to do with his own in security. Next time i am just going to ask him to use language that we both understand easily.

I will think a bit more about the drinking stuff - it doesn't feel important right now but there's bound to be more to it (yawn).

We do have fun, he makes me laugh. Our children get on really well, and we can talk quite deeply - he DOES overshare but i didn't realise that was the AA programme coming through - he's also had loads of analysis AND is a neuropsychologist, so there's a lot of talking through issues... but it all feels very 'head' with him, not much 'heart'. I'm much more emotionally driven. So there is a relationship there for now, and i'll keep at it, but keep an eye on myself.

I'm really grateful for all the feedback. And i feel more confident.

If you only feel thick when you're with him, then he's the one with the problem.

My ex would never miss a chance to use three long words where one short one would have done just fine. And better still if it was three long Greek words. Two short ones from me was what he needed in the end.

mathsanxiety

As Issymilkbottle said, the cliche about higher education meaning learning more and more about less and less is largely true. So he might know a hell of a lot about Babylonian funeral rites, or Picasso's left toenail, but sweet FA about anything that might actually, ever, come in useful. My DP is a lot less well qualified than me, but that just means I do better at University Challenge, which isn't exactly the be all and end all.

Finding it very funny the assumptions being made based on his use of the word bellicose - I never knew it was such a dangerous piece of vocabulary. Other posters are probably right that he likes to feel superior to you - he has a degree, you don't; he has given up drinking, you haven't (whether you need to or not) etc etc - BUT it is possible that he has a big vocabulary (matron) and the word just sprung to mind. This happens to me sometimes and you don't realise it's from the cupboard marked "Words That Last Saw Daylight In 1762" until everyone's looking at me as if I have just told them that I am the queen of Sweden.

Math is right, if he is making you feel thick when usually you feel fine, then that is what's happening - he's doing it on purpose. And that's not nice is it?