Think DH cheated on me on stag and now wants to go on boys holiday again :(

[eaudenil]

DH has just told me he is planning a trip to Eastern europe for a friends 30th. He did his stag there and a friend did too within the same year.

I saw (6 months ago) on his email sent items to his friends before and after his stag that it looks like he had something sexual with a girl on his stag (sounded like a lot of them did). I also saw emails of him and his friends planning their stag dos with lots of references to girls, sex, and reference of girls they had got in contact with who will hang out with them there. I was concerned about this before he went and confronted him, he assured me they werent going for that.

Stag was 3 yrs ago, and I saw the emails planning and remembering the stag 6 months ago.

The way he was speaking on email to his friends made me feel sick, like saying the eastern european girls have "long legs and tight as*" and that they love english men and will do anything.

I didnt confront him as there is no concrete proof, i was snooping and was pregnant so needed not to have the stress. If there was concrete proof I wouldnt care about snooping.

I put it to the back of my mind and thought guys are different when talking to each other and their women arent intended to hear. Also the stag night thing is pretty awful but I am sure there are loads of marriages where this has happened as a "last night of freedom" thing and noone even knows.
(not excusing it though).

So, now he wants to go again its brought it all back. I have to address it but dont know what to do. i want him to know I know but dont want the marriage to end.

We have a wonderful relationship, a gorgeous 4 month old daughter and are really happy. Honestly his emails were like he was a different person.

I'm scared he'll see it as escapism to go there again and end up cheating on me. I wont be able to relax while he is away, and I also think I should get out now while I am still young and successful rather than turn a blind eye and get bitten in later life. Having my child has given me a strength I didnt have before. I'd rather get out than live my life like this, but he will never admit surely so what do i do?

I wish I had the proof so I could just tell him I know.

Can anyone suggest how I address this situation?

Oh you poor thing! That sound awful... I'd be exactly the same as you - really worried about him going based on those messages about girls, sex etc.

Tbh, I wouldn't put up with it. He should not be going on a trip like that - why isn't he spending his money on taking you and you DC/s somewhere nice.

Talk to him and tell him what you've found and how you feel. He'll have to have a serious think about his priorities.

Tell him "don't bring back and STI like you did last time" and see if it tricks him into admitting anything. This needs to be out in the open, I don't know how you haven't been driven bonkers by the 'what ifs'. It's enough even to confront him over his attitude to women, whether he did or didn't do anything IMO.

What kind of proof are you looking for? The information you refer to sounds pretty damning. The frequency with which he and his friends seem to want to visit is also alarming. It sounds a bit like you are wanting to bury your head in the sand about this, but as long as you are doing this he is going to think he can get away with it and more trips will be planned.

I think you need to decide whether you can face the truth and if you decide that you can, I think you should confront him.

He is taking us on holiday this summer. This is what i mean, it all seems "perfect" and i honestly cant fault him, then there seems to be this other side to him that i'm not intended to see obviously.

i know i need to talk to him but not sure how to address it. I want to talk to him tonight.

I don't have much useful advice to add but I think I would definitely confront him about what happened on the stag. I think you need to tell him how you feel.

What he said in the emails might have just been all talk (I hope it is - you know what some men can be like when they're around their mates!)

Sorry to not be much help!

he has told you he is planning a trip, my dh would discuss this with me. If you don't want him to go tell him so.

Have to admit I wouldn't be happy about DH going away with the lads, the cost alone, he gets a holiday abroad while the family gets a wet weekend in a tent(no way)

I expect my husband to respect my feelings and he politely declines boys holidays.

You must explain to him how much this holiday would upset you and that he needs to think whats more important you or the lads?

Eww, he sounds fucking horrible and so do his twatty mates

What kind of circles do you move in ?

I cannot even be bothered to try and put it any less harshly than that

You know what you are married to...and it ain't pretty

All talk ?

If he was my husband, he would have talked himself out of his marriage

yuk

If he were my husband he'd be singing soprano, and the joint bank account would be empty and in an account in my name.

What do you mean "he is taking you on holiday" - surely this is something you are doing jointly (ie as equals, not him bestowing a gift on you).

Oh god you poor thing

you do not have a wonderful relationship - he is putting his cock into other women's anuses without your consent or knowledge.

If you don't want to be in an open relationship then you know what to do.

Nigglewiggle you are right I think I am trying to bury my head in the sand. I want to get it out it the open though, I really do, but the reality of getting it all out frightens me. I never wanted to be a single mum or have a failed marriage.

AF i do appreciate your frank comments! But please don't have a go at me. I don't move in any dodgy circles! I just think some groups of men are awful when they are together, and I think a lot of men who are percieved to be respectable, nice, normal or whatever, can have this other side to them. But you are right it isn't pretty and I have to address it.

And also to be even more blunt a man who procures prostitutes in Eastern Europe has no respect for women.

Sex is less than £5 there. Isn't that just abhorrent.

in my opinion it's not any better someone paying a thousand quid for it but I know some people have different opinions.

"I think a lot of men who are percieved to be respectable, nice, normal or whatever, can have this other side to them"

Just because lots of men are like this doesn't mean it's ok. And don't let him tell you any different.

By the way, you don't have to jump straight to worrying you'll be a single mum or have a failed marriage. It may be possible that he will agree not to go on these kinds of trips if he realises you know about what happens and you won't put up with it.

But in order to find out, you do need to talk to him about it. If you say nothing it will eat you up inside. It clearly is already or you wouldn't be posting here.

Honestly, go and talk to him. best of luck.

I feel sick for you, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I get the impression you know what to do now but need confirmation from others.

Some men are really fucked up to be honest. My ex was really quite a prude with me to be honest, yet the stuff I found in the internet history and on his phone were along the lines of 'F**d drunk'- basically girls drunk being taken advantage of. Also, 'School girls'. Made me feel sick to be honest and it's difficult to connect that with a man you think you know.

Get rid- you will feel better for it. There is nothing better than peace of mind.

I would love you to say the following to him:

"Since you've been having sex with other women I thought it was about time I got a lover too. Can you be out the house next friday for a couple of hours please"

Then smile and walk away and leave the twat with something to think about.

I think you should take it one step at a time. It will be your decision whether the marriage is over. First you need to confront him about what you know and tell him how you feel. Then you can decide what you want to do next. Don't put up with this just because you are afraid of the consequences of confronting it. Living in this kind of marriage is FAR worse than walking away from a twat of a husband with your dignity in tact.

"he is putting his cock into other women's anuses without your consent or knowledge."

I think in the context of 'long legs' 'tight as*' is more likely to mean a pert bottom.

Not saying the situation isn't bad, but it might not be that bad!

the tight ass comment was followed by they will 'do anything' - it's definitely code for anal sex.

Thanks DumpyOldWoman - think that was the context! but the whole thing is still awful. Niggle wiggle what you say makes great sense. I can go at my pace. I just need time to decide what to do, how to approach it and let it settle in my mind. Already I'm feeling more sane and straight about it and how I will address it. The advice is hugely welcome.

Thinking of leaving with the baby, and let him ponder over what he has done and what he has now lost. I honestly think he is really happy with the new baby and our relationship at the moment so it will hit him hard.

Also meant to say that i know i cant continue like this as it will only either destroy me or he'll do it again and i'll just have to address it in yrs to come.

I agree 'they will do anything' is horrible.

Also, men who act like a pack and talk about women like this - yuk.

I would just tell him you have seen it and it sickens you an you don't want to be part of a marriage with a man who leers and letches over women desparate for the money, and that he sorts out his act, declines the holiday with his horrible mates, or packs his suitcase for good.

Pathetic, immature and sexist behavour.

Your husband sounds like a filthy pig.

I strongly suggest you get a sexual health check up.

Keep your dignity and do something about this situation.

eaudenil I feel for you. I've had a similar experience. We are still together but it has hit our marriage hard. I hope you can talk it through with your DH and that you find it isn't as bad as you fear.

What I read from your posts is that you are bargaining with yourself to an extraordinary degree. The reason I suspect AF asked what circles you move in is because the men her and I keep company with are not like this and don't speak like this to eachother.

The E mails you uncovered show a horrible attitude towards women and a sense of entitlement that they will "do anything because we are English".

It's not that "a lot of men" are this different with their friends and "a lot of men" don't have sex with strangers before their wedding. Men who are complete and utter pricks do, though - and they are a disgrace to other men, who deserve better than to be associated with this sort of behaviour.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you and I know you will find others' reactions painful, but please don't have such low expectations of how you want the men in your life to behave. Honestly, decent men really don't behave like this - please don't comfort yourself with some sort of "men will be men" bargaining.

Tell him what you've seen and tell him what you really think about his attitudes and behaviour. Tell his mate's wife too.