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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think DH cheated on me on stag and now wants to go on boys holiday again :(

50 replies

eaudenil · 14/05/2010 16:48

DH has just told me he is planning a trip to Eastern europe for a friends 30th. He did his stag there and a friend did too within the same year.

I saw (6 months ago) on his email sent items to his friends before and after his stag that it looks like he had something sexual with a girl on his stag (sounded like a lot of them did). I also saw emails of him and his friends planning their stag dos with lots of references to girls, sex, and reference of girls they had got in contact with who will hang out with them there. I was concerned about this before he went and confronted him, he assured me they werent going for that.

Stag was 3 yrs ago, and I saw the emails planning and remembering the stag 6 months ago.

The way he was speaking on email to his friends made me feel sick, like saying the eastern european girls have "long legs and tight as*" and that they love english men and will do anything.

I didnt confront him as there is no concrete proof, i was snooping and was pregnant so needed not to have the stress. If there was concrete proof I wouldnt care about snooping.

I put it to the back of my mind and thought guys are different when talking to each other and their women arent intended to hear. Also the stag night thing is pretty awful but I am sure there are loads of marriages where this has happened as a "last night of freedom" thing and noone even knows.
(not excusing it though).

So, now he wants to go again its brought it all back. I have to address it but dont know what to do. i want him to know I know but dont want the marriage to end.

We have a wonderful relationship, a gorgeous 4 month old daughter and are really happy. Honestly his emails were like he was a different person.

I'm scared he'll see it as escapism to go there again and end up cheating on me. I wont be able to relax while he is away, and I also think I should get out now while I am still young and successful rather than turn a blind eye and get bitten in later life. Having my child has given me a strength I didnt have before. I'd rather get out than live my life like this, but he will never admit surely so what do i do?

I wish I had the proof so I could just tell him I know.

Can anyone suggest how I address this situation?

OP posts:

kittyonthebeam · 14/05/2010 18:51

God what an abhorrent man under the mask of a decent loving father. Vile.

Others have said it before, go and see a lawyer to know where you would stand. IMO he's a sexist pig with equally awful mates. The way he talks about women is just vile. The frequency of those visits and the emails should open your eyes to what's going on.

Tonight, when your bubba is asleep wait till you finish dinner, sit down with him before he has a drink and then ask him directly: I know you have previously cheated on me, I know you are about to do it again. Why do you want a family if you keep cheat on us? Why do you risk our lives if you pick up a disease? Why do you live a lie?

I'd also second a visit to a GUM clinic should be your priority, esp. if you're still breastfeeding!!

Would also be giving his parents a call and let them know what a wanker their son is.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to about this??

LisaD1 · 14/05/2010 19:01

Your H is an arsehole and if he was mine, well... he would be my soon to be EX H!

I could not, would not, have a man like that anywhere near me.

He is showing his REAL self to his friends, you are getting the man he wants you to think he is.

Malificence · 14/05/2010 19:23

Print off the emails, shove them under his nose and ask him quite calmly to explain his vile words. decent men don't do this.

GrendelsMum · 14/05/2010 19:52

AnyFucker says it like it is.

A 'mate' of my DBiL's tried to take DBiL to an Eastern European strip club for his stag do - DBiL made it very clear that he was having none of it. That's what a real man does. Your man, sadly, is probably some form of over-evolved pond life.

ItsGraceAgain · 14/05/2010 20:09

Just to remind you - you don't need proof. You stay married if you choose to. Personally, I think he sounds like a tosser; I feel sure you deserve a partner who doesn't think of women as interchangeable sex toys.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/05/2010 20:26

Yuck he sounds disgusting.

It's so so wrong to just say 'oh well lots of men are like this and their wives aren't supposed to see it', as if that somehow excuses it.

My husband would never, ever, ever speak about a woman the way yours does.

Can I clarify - did he shag other women on his own stag? ie. directly before you got married?

CrankyTwanky · 14/05/2010 21:12

TBH I'd be having words with him about the way he talks about women if nothing else.

Urgh.
You poor lady.

pocketmonster · 14/05/2010 21:16

OP other posters are right, this isn't 'normal' male behaviour. My DH wouldn't contemplate behaving in this way, when he is with his mates he talks about motorbikes!

I'm afraid your H sounds fairly unpleasant, not only is it clear he doesn't respect women, but he has also betrayed your trust as well as putting your health at risk by having sex with other women. Please do get a check up at a GU Clinic asap for both you and your DD's sake.

Good luck, it must be incredibly hard for you particularly with such a young DD.

Monty100 · 14/05/2010 21:17

I'd let him go on his lads holiday. When he came back, his stuff would be elsewhere and the locks changed.

Ffs.

DinahRod · 14/05/2010 21:28

Pin the email to the front door, leave his bags outside and round bag handle wrap a print-off of the local GUM clinic info.

Tells him you know and won't be messed with.

ItsGraceAgain · 14/05/2010 21:31

You know, Dinah, I'm no fan of silent aggression but for some reason I really like your suggestion!

It could even prompt a smidgeon of self-examination on DH's part

MorningCoffee · 14/05/2010 21:37

What a horrible situation to be and how vile he is, this is not normal for when guys get together, how would he like it if a pack of guys were talking like this about "his" daughter?

Discusting, don't sit back and take it confront him, i would have to.

CrankyTwanky · 14/05/2010 21:40

Good point mc.

NewMrsCharles · 14/05/2010 22:00

I think you should have a chat with him and if its on your mind its not doing any of you good.

Sometimes boys will be boys and not in the go and shag about way but they talk it up and dont do anything! Like im sure alot of women can also relate to.

I work with alot of men and go away for long weekends as a group and often in the office before the talk is who will fuck what basically but when it comes to it they stick together as boys and go to bed to knock one off and call there wife in the morning!

Sorry if TMI but might help x

ItsGraceAgain · 14/05/2010 22:29

Really, NMC? In the offices where I've worked, the men did - given half an opportunity.

dittany · 14/05/2010 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodly · 15/05/2010 08:03

Having to sit at work listening to a gang of men talking about the women they're going to fuck when they go away is sexual harrassment.

OP I'll just repeat what others have said - your husband is a pig. Did you know how much he hated women before you got married? What has made you think it is normal for men to casually abuse women like this?

Malificence · 15/05/2010 10:08

1 in 10 men have paid for sex, that means that 9 in 10 haven't.
That says it all for me, the OP's husband's behaviour is abnormal amongst men.

So one married man in 20 uses sex workers, I actually find that quite heartening..

GrendelsMum · 15/05/2010 13:16

Note - the stat about 1 in 10 men having paid for sex should be clarified somewhat, shouldn't it? If it's the survey I'm thinking of, it was 1 in 10 men who had chosen to attend a sexual health centre, i.e. those who thought they'd picked up a sexually transmitted disease. That would seem to me to distort the results quite a bit. I don't see my DH heading down a sexual health centre, for example.

skidoodly · 15/05/2010 13:41

I think you need to think about the effect on your daughter of being brought up by a misogynist.

You wouldn't want your mixed race child raised by a racist, would you?

LadyLapsang · 15/05/2010 22:59

You didn't confront him because you didn't have concrete proof? Just how much proof do you want?? Just tell him what you read in his emails & that you need to discuss it.

I totally disagree with those that seem to want to keep their DHs on a leash & mine usually goes away on hs own / with a friend once a year biking, but going to Eastern Europe to pick up an STI - that's something entirely different.

TopsyKretts · 15/05/2010 23:17

Does he normally talk to his mates as though they were fourteen year olds? In other words, is it all bravado, or are they all nasty players?

It sounds to me like they are all going for regular sex holidays to the same place at every opportunity.

I would think seriously about telling him to go and stay there if that's what he wants. Otherwise, he should man up and meet his responsibilities at home and decline lads' jollies as a relic of his single days.

L00kingforAnswers · 27/06/2018 14:08

Hello is there an update on this thread? Very similar situation. Very sad and disappointed. Thanks.

callywags · 27/06/2018 14:29

Oh OP

Stop sticking your head in the sand.
Your DH is the real him in those messages to his mates

Even if he has not cheated the way he speaks about those women is vile, this is the real him.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, you know you need to confront him and make a decision, such a hard thing especially after just having a baby together.
Wishing you all the best x

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2018 14:34

@l00king, you're better off starting your own thread because this is a zombie

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