Will you come and have a discussion with me about the feasibility of long term relationships in this modern age?

[RedLeaves]

Hello, this isn't for a thesis for anything, I promise - I know the title sounds wierd. You may recognise my name, I post occasionally.

The thing is, this is something I am thinking about more and more. I really feel that the odds are against long term relationships and yet this is how our society is set up.

My viewpoint is this - having a relationship has its difficulties as you have two people trying to fit together as it were.

Then you live together and so you get 100 new issues to compromise over, sort out, agree on, fight over etc.

THEN, you have children! Aaagh. So there are now about 10,000 things to try to agree on, sort out etc.

How can this work? Is it not to be expected that so many relationships break down? This isn't even taking account of each individual's own issues whether they be quirks or being damaged or damaged and dangerous.

I always try to think back to what early humans would do and I don't know but I'm pretty sure they would be dead before they got to their 30th wedding anniversary .

When you have children you are so much less able to just get up and walk away.

I hope I haven't rambled too much - I am on a different time zone to the UK and know it is getting late for you. Wanted to get this posted.

In a nutshell, I would be interested in your thoughts about how realistic it is to stay wanting to live with and have sex with the same partner for 40-50 years. Thanks.

you are probably right

your thinking far too much.

here..

that'll help

i agree....not feasible

facebook
dating sites
msn
mobiles
texting
email

all too easy to look elsewhere!!

take a look in relationships section here.....

juicy, you read my mind

Much too difficult IMO

ninah - i have a date

... come wish me luck so i dont fall over or do something ridiculously embarassing as normal.

sorry op .

i'm not really bothered if i have a ltr. or live with anyone ever again. seems alot of hassle.

i'll stick to dating

DonttouchmumsspecialJuice - maybe, but sometimes it's good to have a think surely? Best of luck for your date BTW.

Tiffany - I had forgotten about all those things you listed because I'm not into all that stuff so yes there is that aspect as well which, if these boards are anything to go by, are another straw on the camel's back.

I think it depends on how set you both are on having your own way. I also wonder if the fact that people are tending to be older when they get together, have had "lives of their own" before they start to share a life as a couple makes it more likely that they both expect things their own way.

Compromise is so important, and on both sides because I know my mum has a lot of friends who were doing a lot of compromising while their "d"h's did none - hope there's less of that these days.

And if there isn't less of that these days, then more power to the women who are kicking these 50s throwbacks to the kerb.

But we aren't early humans. We have come up with the wheel, quantum physics and they are working on a mumsnet app for the i-phone! Of course we can handle the pressures of relationships. It involves picking somebody you like and fancy and remembering to be nice to them.

Topsy : " It involves picking somebody you like and fancy and remembering to be nice to them."

Brilliant!

That's pretty much it, isn't it Topsy. I think we forget to be nice quite a lot of the time though.

we are all nice....but for 25 years??

I have been in a relationship with the same man for 46 years, married for 44. I have not found this difficult. We have had some rather dull spells and then things have perked up again. Overall it has been FUN. I have met a few (I'm very choosy!) other men that I fancied and have had 'offers', which is quite good for the self esteem but never took these seriously. I have had far too much to lose - 2 DDs who adore their father and he them, followed much later by 3, also much loved and loving DGC. Home that we have bought and renovated together, mutual friends, mutual pensions and savings. We have resolved most of our early differences of opinion/priorities and learned to agree to differ and give each other space to think and do our own thing.

We have had to cope with various ups and downs - a manipulative MIL, a MC, me being SAHM for 8 years, whilst DH struggled as sole breadwinner, DH working two jobs, complete turn around when I earned 2x DH income, redundancy, depression, having 5 of our 7 wrinklies ill for some years simultaneously and then all 5 dying within one year. We would not have coped or come through these stresses and strains if we had not been supportive of each other and both taken our fair share of responsibilities.

There is so much shared history, memories and understanding that I could not contemplate starting out on a new relationship, no matter how exciting, and have to undertake all that building and learning again.

My childhood friend, who married a year before me is in her 6th longish term relationship, about to marry for the fourth time. We discuss our different paths and conclude that you can have one (or at most two if you start early) long, deep relationships which may seem kind of boring or you can flit from man to man seeking excitment and shunning commitment - but in one life you cannot do both. My friend is the one who envies me for I have loved and been loved, while she has been desired and then ditched.

granny,thats lovely. alot do

i wonder how you would both have fared with todays technology though.....so easy to cheat!! its almost acceptable.

I quite liked Topsy's summing up too!

Granny23 thank you for your thoughts. It sounds like you have the best case scenario of a long term relationship ie you both have the support and the commitment from each other and most of all compatibility.

I guess I think it is quite rare to find that sort of compatibility to be able to weather those storms together as well as still liking each other enough during the good times. Yes, compatibility, maybe that is the key.

However, I still think it is a tall order to be able to live with someone for that length of time. Also, people change don't they? If you don't change in a compatible way, then things are going to get tricky. We sometimes change our friends because we grow apart, so why not partner?

why not? you are right

'i wonder how you would both have fared with todays technology though.....so easy to cheat!! its almost acceptable'

I really cannot see what technology has to do with it. People have cheated and had affairs since time began. I am rummaging around in my head now to think where people I know 'got it on'. There was the guy who rented the garden cottage and in another case the basement flat, loads and loads met at work, paired up at weekend training courses, political, trade union (for some reason in particular Housing) conferences, the chimney sweep whose wife bemoaned how little he earned while he offered 'pay or play' terms to his regular customers, ballroom dancing partners, a pair in a pipe band.

Not to mention the only two fully trained MG counsellors in our area, both 'happily' married, who ran away together, causing the closure of the service. My other known to me outrageous one is the married guy who arrived home to his unsuspecting wife and 2DC after working overseas, with a Thai bride, who thought she was legally married to him, in tow.

According to my mother the war years were a complete free for all. I would have thought that today's society with mobile phones, texts and e.mail allowing folk to keep tabs on their partners would have, in fact, cramped the style of the ones I have listed.

Never heard the expression 'where there's a willie, there's a way'.

Methinks you are just trying to find an excuse and blame new technology just as first cinema and then TV were blamed for a loosening of moral standards - which is rubbish. I believe that today's society is in fact much more 'moral' than the society I was born into. Things were kept hidden then, covering up distress, abuse and torment. Now we are much more open and tolerant, oppressive relationships can be ended, people do not have to live with fear, pain and guilt. As long as no children are hurt in the making of the changes, I would not want to see anyone stuck in a bad partnership.

It's just alot easiier granny ..... Alot of problems here on mn ( far too many) mention 'facebook' in the first paragraph

I find this a fascinating topic because looking at my mum's generation I see a lot of people who do split up. The women have been the ones doing all the work and the compromising and when their children move out and their husbands retire they realise that they need to put themselves first. Some of my mum's friends are in this situation and don't want to walk away but speak quite openly about not being entirely happy with being stuck with their husbands for the rest of their lives but they don't feel it's proper to get a divorce.

I love the idea of marriage but I also know I change a lot and hypothetically can't imagine being in my fifties and being happy with the same partner I had in my twenties. But then again I am a romantic and want to believe it does happen and that I won't change that much.

I think you have to really like your other half and like being in their company - as well as loving them and fancying them.

My husband is also my best friend - which seems to stand well when things are not going right or disagreements crop up.

Finally communication is a big important part - many couples I know don't really talk AND listen to each other.These are just my thoughts.

Granny- yours is the ideal and what I thought would happen to me. I grew up thinking that marriage forever is just what people did but I think nowadays people have an easy come, easy go attitude to relationships. Tis very sad. I think that some people think why settle down when I can shag around? I am cynical as have been badly burned but your story inspires hope.

Very good points cat64. I too am pretty close to my family and a couple of childhood friends - always look forward to spending time with them. On the other hand I know lots of people who seem to despise their family (loads of threads about that on MN) and avoid them at all costs. It is amazing how different we all are and that what suits one woman is purgatory for another.