Will you come and have a discussion with me about the feasibility of long term relationships in this modern age?

[RedLeaves]

Hello, this isn't for a thesis for anything, I promise - I know the title sounds wierd. You may recognise my name, I post occasionally.

The thing is, this is something I am thinking about more and more. I really feel that the odds are against long term relationships and yet this is how our society is set up.

My viewpoint is this - having a relationship has its difficulties as you have two people trying to fit together as it were.

Then you live together and so you get 100 new issues to compromise over, sort out, agree on, fight over etc.

THEN, you have children! Aaagh. So there are now about 10,000 things to try to agree on, sort out etc.

How can this work? Is it not to be expected that so many relationships break down? This isn't even taking account of each individual's own issues whether they be quirks or being damaged or damaged and dangerous.

I always try to think back to what early humans would do and I don't know but I'm pretty sure they would be dead before they got to their 30th wedding anniversary .

When you have children you are so much less able to just get up and walk away.

I hope I haven't rambled too much - I am on a different time zone to the UK and know it is getting late for you. Wanted to get this posted.

In a nutshell, I would be interested in your thoughts about how realistic it is to stay wanting to live with and have sex with the same partner for 40-50 years. Thanks.

I think that as someone else has said, the key is that you like your partner as well as loving them. You also have to be pretty much in agreement on the big issues, such as your relationship, parenting etc as well as prepared to compromise in other areas. You have to be ready to support each other at different times, rather than always making it about yourself - I have seen threads over the years where one partner is clearly under great pressure but the poster is whinging about themselves without any thought for their partner. Sometimes we have to give support and sometimes we get support.

I agree with Granny, that technology is no reason for relationship breakdown. It has always happened, but these days is more openly acknowledged. My parents separated when I was a child. My Dad ran off with his OW. No Facebook, mobile phones, etc in those days. The only 'technology' was colour telly! I was the only person in y class at school who lived in a single parent family. But I know that many of those families were broken and only held together until the children were 'old enough to understand'. My own grandmother was in a desperately unhappy marriage. Not violent or abusive, but just two people who were not in any way compatible and were 'stuck' together for over 45 years. She was so unhappy that even when she died she left strict instructions that she was not even to be buried in the same graveyard as my grandad! These days, her marriage would not have lasted be cause it is easier to make the break. The only difference I can see with the technology is that it means if you want to go looking, you can do it in your own home, rather than having to go out looking. It was very common when I was very young that the men would go out to the pub or the dogs or whatever regularly without their wives and presumably many of them met their OW there.

Long relationships can and do work. But there has to be a genuine will to make it happen.LIke Granny, DH and I have been married many years ( not as long as her though) and have had lots of pressures. Several MCs, DH having to deal with death of his dad and my MC in same week, another period where we lost six close family within six weeks! money worries, health worries, MIL problems, etc etc. For us, it has made us stronger because we worked through it all together and supported each other. There have been times when DH has had to be my rock and there have been times when I have had to be his. There are times when it can be difficult, but we get through them. We talk, we listen, we respect each other.

We have been together over 30 years and married for nearly 30. And for us, it is a very realistic wish to be together, living with each other and still having sex for many more years.

Great post Sayit - you said it all better than mme.

I realise that I left out the S.E.X. aspect because it is TMI when my DDs might be on MN. So I will stick to an analogy.

My DM & DF were really good natural dancers. They could dance well with any partner, but when they took to the floor together, people would stop to watch - it was so beautiful, tender and they were totally attuned to the music and each other. They never went to classes or did formal practice, just danced together often, at dances and at home.

It's completely realistic if you make sure you never lose sight of the fact that you were a couple first and became parents afterwards. You will be a couple still when those DCs have left home. You stand a much better chance of giving those DCs security and happiness if you model a happy relationship where there is intimacy. I've never understood why couples seem to want their older DCs to think that they never have sex, or why they don't wonder about what message that pretence conveys...

For us (married nearly 26 years) the key is now to have a proper chat every night with no interuptions or competing "noise" like the telly. And never under-estimate the impact of small kind gestures towards one another.

Agree about kind gestures WWIFN. Today, I have kindly allowed DH to watch FA Cup Final and he has kindly allowed me to hog the PC so I can come on MN!

We've been married 'for ever' as DS says . We were married for quite a long time before Dc's, so had our lives together and knew who we were as a couple.

We like one another - there is no one I'd rather spend time with than DH. We're kind to each other and respect each other. I think I've said before on here that I don't understand why some couples speak to each other in a way that if you did it in the workplace it would call for instant dismissal.

I can definitely see us growing old together, and tbh if DH wasn't there, I think I'd be quite happy pootling along on my own rather than try and find someone else.

From that, I deduce that lifelong relationships can be put down to:

1. Finding the right partner
2. Working at it

I think that dweezle is right, finding the right partner is key.
I think that you each have to have respect for yourselves and each other, in order to make the relationship work.
I am single and have had some awful relationships, due to having low self esteem and therefore making bad choices. I respect myself now and so am making better choices about the men I consider.

It gives me hope to see so many people still so in love