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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To email human resources texts of ow with my dh

38 replies

self · 13/05/2010 19:20

My dh has been shagging his trainee at work for the past 2yrs and the fool saved everything in his emails texts. I have kicked him out and i found out they had been plotting on how to get together. He asked her to leave her boyfriend and for them to shack up together. Not only did he expose me to aids as from what i can see i have been shagging also the boyfriend indirectly.
He used a company email adress. he is a lawyer and he has said he will get a court order for me to delete the emails. I have told him i dont care as its the truth.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 13/05/2010 19:24

What exactly would you hope to achieve by telling HR? That he'd be sacked? Because<

a) if he's good at his job they won't care.

b) if he isn't, they'll use it as an excuse to fire him and you won't get any maintenance.

I really think you need to take some time to come to terms with what's happened before doing something rash.

KickArseQueen · 13/05/2010 19:24

ooh you need a legal person here! It would be fabulous to "use" those email/texts, but you need to find out the legal pros and cons

Bumping because I know nothing!

nighbynight · 13/05/2010 19:31

If he is her boss, and she is a trainee, it is possible that he is abusing his position.

Hodie · 13/05/2010 19:35

The little fucker. He is talking out of his arse.

Unfortunately, this kind of behaviour is rife in law firms. The trainee will get the boot. They always do. I suspect horrible husband will remain where he is.

Sorry to hear about your problem. Keep your chin up.

TheChicOfIt · 13/05/2010 19:40

"Not only did he expose me to aids" - is the boyfriend HIV positive then?

I'm confused , but what a twunt in any case!

nomanworthcrying4 · 13/05/2010 19:54

Hi Self

You have found yourself in the same postion i was 2 years ago. My now ex dh was shagging his PA. So I sent an email to his boss, all his work colleagues and the member for his department (he works in local government). Saying what he was up to and that he had been signing her overtime, expenses etc. He was investigated for conflict of interest and i felt great. He didn't get the sack but i was glad everyone he worked with knew what the little s**t had been up to.
I have no idea what they thought of me ie loony etc but i didn't care. 10 years of marriage and 3 kids - he didn't give a second thought for them.
He is still with her and they still work together.
I've moved on now but i will never forget the pain i felt when i found out. But i don't regret that email one bit.
Stay strong

whomovedmychocolate · 13/05/2010 20:03

Personally I'd save it for the divorce courts. They aren't supposed to be judgey on these things but if he starts getting difficult, it's always good to have something to prove what a little shit he is.

She won't be the only one. He'll no doubt have been doing it for year (sorry). The probably all know at his office, these things rarely remain secret.

Sympathies for you though.

Lizzylou · 13/05/2010 20:06

Oh poor you, Self.
Law firms are rife with it, it is normally the secretaries though.
I think you save it for the divorce courts, but I wish I could say send it to the HR dept, because he's been such a shit.

Lizzylou · 13/05/2010 20:07

Sorry, to clarify, I work in Legal Recruitment and DH works in a Law firm, it s normally Legal Secretaries and Partners/Solicitors. That I have heard of anyway, and to be honest, I have heard of loads.

I didn't mean that Legal Secretaries shag indiscriminately, apols to any out there!

Original poster
self · 13/05/2010 20:13

thank you ladies, went to put dd to bed. he has emotionally abused me for the past 2 years since our dd was 3 mths, told all our friends i was making everything up. i spoke to the skimming trainee and she said nothing was going on. I was always not having money only to find out he had been taking her on holidays. He even bought sex toys on dd's birthday for them.
He says when we divorce i might use them as blackmail. I feel he has no right in asking me to delete them. I could send them with the big bruise on my eye i have a picture taken in hospital from his abuse.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 13/05/2010 20:30

Cut him dead. Seriously. Change the locks, change your phone number and start divorce proceedings.

Do not delete anything and keep that photo.

Tootlesmummy · 13/05/2010 20:36

I can completely understand your anger but if you get him sacked could that impact you with him not having an income to pay you support.

I'd do what whomoverdymychocolate said and get a decent settlement for you and you dd.

iheartdusty · 13/05/2010 20:37

keep the emails, and keep the photo. Copy everything and keep the copies in a safe place. Password protect your computer.

it is not blackmail - it is evidence that he has dissipated matrimonial assets by spending your joint money on his adulterous affair.

it may increase your share of the assets after divorce.

TopsyKretts · 13/05/2010 20:41

He won't get sacked though, will he? And plenty of toads pack in decent jobs just to avoid child support. So I would just keep all the evidence for your solicitor and listen to them as to whether it's worth trashing his reputation.

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2010 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou · 13/05/2010 20:43

Oh goodness, keep everything, as WMMC says.
You poor, poor thing.

Do as WMMC says, kick him out, change the locks, the whole shebang, he is one humungous shithead and I am so sorry you have gone through all of this.

Angelcat666 · 13/05/2010 20:45

I was going to say what iheartdusty has just said. Back up the emails onto cd/pen drives and print them out so you have hard copies.

You say he told your friends you were making it all up. You have proof now that you weren't.

FakePlasticTrees · 13/05/2010 20:49

he probably won't get fired, but he'll get a shit bonus and it'll lower their opinion of him, she'll have a huge black mark over her career...

Sod sending it to work, you say he told your friends you were making it up, do you think they might take a different view if they got copies?

And that photo needs to be safe. do you have friends who could look after copies for you?

Oh, and her boyfriend would be getting a copy too if it was me, and she'd be getting a copy of the photo. (she if that shocks her into dumping his arse)

RunawayWife · 13/05/2010 21:00

Print them all out and do it quick

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2010 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernSky · 13/05/2010 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beanlet · 13/05/2010 22:19

Yep. Really good idea to rile your ex so badly he will fight you tooth and nail over your settlement and all your joint assets will be spent on your solicitors bills.

And for the thousandth time, it is illegal to change the locks on the marital home without your husband's permission.

I also suspect it is illegal for you to have copies of his emails, especially if they were on his work email account; you should be very very sure indeed of your legal ground before you use them for any reason.

beanlet · 13/05/2010 22:26

Not that I'm unsympathetic -- I do feel for you, he sounds like a complete arsehole. But telling HR a) won't do anything b) will give him an excuse to portray you as a psycho c) could damage YOUR position with the courts and d) will just make him so angry he will try to take you for the biggest ride of your life. And then you'll still have to have contact with him, and possibly the OW, because of your DD.

Don't do anything precipitate, whatever you do. Think of your DD.

iheartdusty · 13/05/2010 22:28

"it is illegal to change the locks on the marital home without your husband's permission"

in what sense beanlet?

beanlet · 13/05/2010 22:30

In the legal sense. You can't lock your spouse out of a jointly owned property, and if you're married that includes the situation where only one name is on the deeds/mortgage. Ask any family law solicitor.