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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If dh says one more time that "he goes out to work all day" I will scream AGGGGHHHHH

40 replies

Blossomhill · 03/08/2005 20:46

Just sick to death of having it rammed down by throat that he works and I don't.
Is it my fault that our dd has sn? Is it my fault that as our children go to different schools it is nigh on impossible to find a job that fits around both of their holidays/inset days etc. Also all of the meetings etc that go along with having dd.
We both agreed that I would stay at home but I am sick to death of him undermining what I do. According to him all I do is sit on my ar$e all day. If only

OP posts:
ilovehorses · 03/08/2005 20:47

pull up a chair, grab yourself something fruity and definetely alcoholic and tell me what's bothering you? btw your dh sounds like mine.

Mum2girls · 03/08/2005 20:51

God, i feel enraged on your behalf. I would stop doing anything for him. When he complains tell him "This is what happens if I really sit on my arse.

Magscat · 03/08/2005 20:51

I work full time and most days I honestly think I've got the easier job compared to dp who is at home with 4yr old & 7 month old.

It's hard when you're both knackered and fed up and stressed but he needs to understand that it's no picnic being at home all day with children.

I really admire anyone who does - you included !

bobbybob · 03/08/2005 20:52

He gets a lunch hour - you don't.

Eaney · 03/08/2005 20:56

What is he complaining about exactly? OK he works but I guess he worked before you had children. Lots of people work who would rather not but perhaps they haven't got someone they can vent at.

Does he really want you to work?

Twiglett · 03/08/2005 20:57

he goes out to work all day .. spends all day with adults, gets breaks, downtime, a lunch hour, peace and quiet on journeys, uninterrupted coffee breaks

... arrrgghhh

.. hit him with a brick .. go on

swiperfox · 03/08/2005 20:58

Blossomhill - I could have written this thread. In fact I'm going to show it to dp tomorrow.
It doesn't matter what i'm asking him to do or saying that he hasn't done, i get "I've been at work all day" "you dont appreciate what i do" "you sit on your arse all day talking on mumsnet" blah blah blah ...... everytime he says it my blood boils

katymac · 03/08/2005 20:59

AND if you work outside the house you get to do a poo without an audience

Original poster
Blossomhill · 03/08/2005 20:59

The thing is both of the kids are at school all day. However I need to be around for dd and ds obviously.
I did have 6 years of having them at home all day though!

OP posts:
swiperfox · 03/08/2005 21:00

Twiglett - thats exactly my point - he can get up and go when he feels like it, he doesn't have to wash and dress and get coats and shoes onto his children before doing anything. He gets to meet different people, have real conversations with adults in a wiggles free environment. His answer?? "Do you think i want to go to work?"

AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eugenius · 03/08/2005 21:02

I know exactly what you mean but I would still rather be a SAHM than be out there in the rat-race

Eaney · 03/08/2005 21:11

Would he be happier if you worked or would he find something else to complain about?

coppertop · 03/08/2005 21:15

Perhaps from now on Mr BlossomHill would like to take over with dd's appointments, meetings, form-filling, DLA applications, research to find new ideas about how to deal with her difficult behaviour etc? No? Somehow I thought not.

Caligula · 03/08/2005 21:22

Yep, think he needs to be left on his own with them at the weekend to find out how much work you don't do.

Alipiggie · 03/08/2005 21:26

But if we leave them on their own, how many times would they call our mobiles with "how do you" "where is" or even better "when did you say you'd be home"

Original poster
Blossomhill · 03/08/2005 21:29

Just had another row. He just said what exactly did you do while we were swimming???

They went for 1 and a half hours and I did loads of tidying. Swept all the downstairs and put loads of washing away. I said I haven't stopped. His response "It doesn't look like you've done much at all" I can honestly say I want to punch his face in.

That's what I said to him coppertop, deal with all the sn stuff I do. He just hasn't got a clue. I would love to go to work that started at 9 and ended at 5. Why do men have this view that we have such a great time at home.
The way I feel right now I wish he just buggered off and never came back

OP posts:
Caligula · 03/08/2005 21:37

Why don't you write a tedious diary of all the stuff you do in half hour chunks? 9am - 9.30 - sweeping floor, hanging washing on line, etc.

KBear · 03/08/2005 21:46

Tell him he's being a tosser and he's lucky to have such an understanding wife who doesn't walk right out the door on him for his pig-headed attitude. Suggest he changes the way he speaks to you or don't speak at all. And leave him for the weekend with the kids, turn off your mobile and let him grovvvvvvel.

Tortington · 03/08/2005 21:51

diary is a brill idea. i would also ask him for his solution to what he considers to be a problem.

the problem from here looks like 'i go out to work all day you do sod all'

and your response of ' i would if i could'

start from there and ask him the solution from his point of view - does he want you to go to work and to get a specialised childminder?
does he not recognise what you do at home?
is he cross becuase he thinks his contribution to the family stopped at 6pm when he walked in the door and he doesn't need the evening hassle of kids crying and " will you play with him2 or " will you help with tea" or whatever?

it would be interesting to see what he thinks is the solution actually - becuae some people just like to bitch about how awful they have it without seeing the other persons POV - much of a dying jesus i'm a martyr recognise me syndrome.

it may be that you both just want recognition for the hard days you have - it often is one partner saying -" i 've had a fking awful day"
" you have? well my boss said to me that if i didnt have that report on his desk by 9 am then i am fked - you wont belive what gavn said too, b8stard, he is claiming all the credit for the grawnworthy project......"
2 yeah well johnny puked all over the carpet, the buggy broke on theway to the hospital appointment and then my corns started up again. then all i got was flashing off other cars on the way home and found out not only was my brake light out but had left the fking boot open and the buggy was half way out of the car, then delia decided to come round with becky and she started ripping up johnnys' books and made him cry and then he wouldnt eat anything.........."

and you both stare at each other thinking " they haven't got a clue..ungrateful bstard"

and its a "i'm a bigger martyr than jesus" standoff.

what the solution? i dont know what it is for you but for us the definate recognistion that out working days ended at the same time and it was a joint effort from when both were home.

ilovehorses · 03/08/2005 21:53

God I so feel for you Blossomhill. Dh has been away for 2 days came back and said what have you done all day, been on mumsnet!1?? ffs I have been here doing breakfast, separating the fights and listening. We went swimming and I cooked them a roast dinner and made sure the fridge was full of his supplies on return. When he looks after them he needs to go out as soon as I get home as has worked all day, yet no washing done and frequently asleep on the sofa as I roll in. And last week he read a book for all of the day. I rarely get a full day to myself, sorry never do and fely justified today to be on mumsnet as workmen around at 9am so have had a lot of it. He is in bed now in a strop because I wont ahev sex with him????? Men can you please exlain why you behave like this. DaddyCool why????

Caligula · 03/08/2005 21:57

i love horses - because women put up with it.

ilovehorses · 03/08/2005 22:15

so should we change our habits at all?

edam · 03/08/2005 22:22

Caligula, possibly some truth to that (although don't like the hint of blaming women for men's misbehaviour). But maybe people snap eventually. Could explain why the divorce rate is so high, and why it is mainly women who file for divorce.

TwinSetAndPearls · 03/08/2005 22:57

I think what Caligula says is true, my ex treated me like dirt because I let him. I think we take on a role because it suits us, I will admit to having played poor me/victim in the past for attention and sympathy. Poor me/ victims tend to attract bullys.

When I came to this realisation and stopped playing the victim he was unable to play bully any longer.

I am now in a new relationship and have far nore respect for myself and would never allow dp to treat me as my ex does .. and he doesn't.

It is uncomfortable to hear as we like to blame others for what has gone wrong in our lives and the predicament we are in, but by laying the blame and responsibilty with someone else we loose our power and the ability to change.

TwinSetAndPearls · 03/08/2005 22:59

That wasn't aimed at you Blossomhill >> she says quickly realising how harsh that post must read