If dh says one more time that "he goes out to work all day" I will scream AGGGGHHHHH

[Blossomhill]

Just sick to death of having it rammed down by throat that he works and I don't.
Is it my fault that our dd has sn? Is it my fault that as our children go to different schools it is nigh on impossible to find a job that fits around both of their holidays/inset days etc. Also all of the meetings etc that go along with having dd.
We both agreed that I would stay at home but I am sick to death of him undermining what I do. According to him all I do is sit on my ar$e all day. If only

Hmm, interesting. Yes it's true bullies only flourish where there are victims, which isn't to make the victim responsible for bullies' behaviour. I wasn't trying to say it's women's fault that men behave like this - people are responsible for their own behaviour - but just trying to express the idea that men do this because they can, and crushing disappointingly, so many of them appear to want to. And I've already mentioned on the other thread the gap between men and women's expectations when it comes to domestic work. I firmly believe that one of the reasons for the divorce rate being so high is because of the expectation gap, and the fact that men quite often don't understand that there is a connection between the way you treat someone on a day to day basis and how much respect that person perceives you have for them. And unfortunately, too many men get into the habit of treating their partners amazingly disrespectfully, but would be shocked if it were pointed out that that is so, and would deny that they were disrespectful. But frankly, denying that your partner is contributing something valuable to your home and family, or taking her unpaid work for granted, or refusing to understand that her upaid work is as necessary to your domestic economy as your paid work, is bloody disrespectful, and women feel it as such, often to men's incomprehension.

I would absolutely, 100%, down tools.

I'd do what was necessary for the children but his washing, his ironing, his shopping, his cooking, his washing up, any housework - he could shove it.

Who does he think does all this - bloody pixies?

I absolutely would not have this. In fact, what I'd do is go away for the weekend and leave him to it (or could you not do that due to needing to be there for ds?)

isn't there some story (scared it might be a schmaltz thing here) about some woman who 'downed tools during the day'

her DH came home to uproar and mess asked what was happening

and she replied "you know all those things you think I don't do during the day, well today I didn't do them"

Is this the one you mean

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, " What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

custy, very astute post, if i may say so. i sometimes feel on mn as though i have walked through the looking glass to a world where work outside the home has zero value... is a piece of p, the "easy" (hohofho) option...

mr blossomhill seems to think that because you work in the home, he's your boss. Which a) is disrepectful to your relationship and b) heaping unnecessary responsibility on his shoulders which is perhaps why he gets so uptight about it.

I think you need to talk (not shout ) about what each of your jobs involves together.

have just read custardo's post

boy but you are wise Custy .. when did you get so clever?

We have exactly the same row in the house BH, alot.

Dp comes in from work and if the kids start whinging he says 'I don't need this, i've been out at work all day'.
I then usually say 'well i've had to listen to them all day', and then starts the 'Oh yes but you haven't actually been out to work, have you '.

The thing is, if i got a job he wouldn't like it, cos when ever I apply for one he sulks, so I can't win.

Also if he does any housework he has to announce it.

I think we should just bash all their heads together.

I agree with custy. Me and my H go through periods of this

Seriously, can you leave him with the kids for a day or two? My dh started to get a bit like this until I went to my mum's for the weekend and when I got back, he said "How do you get anything done?!"

Debbiethemum - classic, love that - thanks

I just don't think he realises how relentless it can all be.

Not only do I do stuff at home but I run a support group at dd's school, am on the committee for AFASIC (speech and language charity) and am also doing a befrienders course in September which basically will train me so I can help other mums with younger children like dd. I am also doing an nvq 2 course (possibly) starting in November.

On top of all this I have to pay all the bills and sort the money out. Generally do everything to do with the kids. You know he never has to worry about buying clothes, shoes, food etc. Since dd has been on her processed free diet I am food shopping 3-4 times a week.

I think I will get a job and he can pay someone to do what I do. Yes that's what I will do as if I am out at work all day there is no way I can do anything else.

I know some people may think I should cut down on my support stuff but I really need to do it!

My dh has many faults but he does recognise that I have given up a job that I loved to bring up our child(ren). He adores his job and would not come home at all sometimes if he did not need clean clothes (he has a sofabed in his office).

Does he cut up most when you are asking him to help around the house or does he just come home and vent? Is he unhappy at work or does he just not want to do work in the home? Try to get him to explain exactly what he means. If it turns out that he wants his loo paper folded into a point and the sofa hoovered once a week you can either negotiate a compromise or get him to realise how unrealistic he is being.

Funny me and dh were having a conversation about this last might (prompted by a trailer for the new BBC3 series, where the wives leave the husbands with the house an kids for a week). I was incredulous and saying- can?t believe there are men out there who are still like this (ie don?t even know where their kids PJ?s are, don?t clean and tidy etc). But we both agreed part of the problem is that loads of women allow their husbands to behave like this.
And the trouble is I think it starts quite early on in a relationship, you know the slight feeling that we?re not quite ?good enough? to deserve someone, then it escalated into trying to please them and then when we want kids (and maybe they?re a bit less into the idea than we are) we try and compensate by taking on more than our fair share of the childacare?? Personally I would never have got involved with someone unless I though they were going to treat me as a complete equal (to be honest me dh does more of housework than I do). I just would not put up with this kind of crap.
The suggestion to ask your dh exactly what he thinks the solution might be to your ?laziness? is a great one. Maybe you could even get a specialist childminder, a cleaner and a cook to come in and assess the workload (that you currently do for free) and quote for it. This way you get to make a list of exactly all the work that you do do and also make him see what the real monetary worth of this is. Or you could start looking for jobs, find one (not actually really apply though) and say, look I?ve found this job but it would mean I don?t get back till x so I think you?ll have to go part time so you can pick the kids up from school and we?ll have to hire a cleaner too. Something like that might really make him think about how rude and undermining he?s being.

Triceratops - your dh has a sofabed in his office ??