I know I over-reacted but I'm still so angry

[shakx]

I am feeling an overwhelming anger directed at DP at the moment and I'm sure it is irrational but I can't help it. It all blew up over the weekend. We went to the forest on Sunday for a day out, parked the car, went for a walk. When we got back to the car, we found it was completely stuck in mud. DP starts ranting and raving at the car. People were looking. I was getting impatient and just kept repeating to him "we need to go and get help" to which I got ignored. About 1o minutes later, a young bloke came walking across and asked us if we needed some help. DP just said "yes" no please or anything, adding to my irritance. So the bloke said "you try and drive it out of here and I'll push". So DP gets in the car, slams on the accelerator promtly firing sludge and mud up this blokes WHITE shorts and t-shirt, not to mention face etc. I shouted at DP to go easy on the accelerator. He ignored me and continued to floor it, mud was flying everywhere. The bloke tried to reason with DP telling him to take it easy, DP ignored him and carried on trying to floor it. At one point the car rolled backwards and nearly went into the bloke helping us. At this point I said to DP "here, you help to push, I'll drive". he ignored me and floored the accelerator again shooting mud everywhere. The bloke looked at his wife and shook his head, she laughed and turned away. Bloke was NOT laughing and mumbled "for fucks sake" at DP. DP ignored him and tried again to 'zoom' out of the mud. I cracked at this point and shouted at him "LISTEN, ARE WE IN? LET ME DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR, YOU PUSH IT, RIGHT? UNDERSTAND?" the bloke added "thank fuck for that". DP looked AT me, and again floored the accelerator.

In the end we did get out but the bloke was absolutely covered from head to toe in mud and DP didn't even thank him. When I confronted him afterwards he said "I don't know what got into me, I was just panicking and concentrating on getting out so I didn't hear you shouting for me.

I'm fuming because he made us look ridiculous and its not the first time he's done this. I can't even seem to move past it and I can't help but think the incident has made me realise we're just not compatible. I KNOW i'm over-reacting but I'm intensely angry at him.

yes,poor social skills made me cringe with my ex. god,i fel for you.

my eldest dd now says to me that she's so glad contact has stopped cos she was embarassed by him....you have just reminded me of alot there with your post!

I would be pissed off and so embarassed.

He's a rude twat. Sorry.

I'd be annoyed and embarassed, at least you'll not have to see that bloke again. Can you get your DH agree that next time anything like this happens, you're in charge?

honestly, this made me speechless. No wonder you are shocked and apalled. I am not sure I could get past such rudeness and horrible treatment of another human being. I think I would re-evaluate my husband if he behaved like this.

I would be furious too. How embarassing, not to mention cringeworthy. Actually, I don't think YABU to be angry at all.

Thing is he has apologised to me (not to bloke though) and said he knows he's in the wrong and has agreed that if it ever happens again, I can take over but I KNOW what he's like. As soon as anything like this happens, he just switches off to everyone around him and goes into "focus on own agenda" mode. It makes me so angry I could literally fly for him.

hmm...remember the feeling

so,what you going to do about it??

His excuse was that he didn't realise he was doing it. He said he never heard me or the bloke shouting at him to lay off the accelerator as he was "concentrating" but I just don't buy it. Why did he not apologise to the bloke afterwards? Why did he not realise that it made more sense for two blokes to push the car and let me drive rather than one bloke push, and one idiot bloke drive.

I don't know threeblonde. It happens to differing degrees all the time and this was just the icing on the cake tbh. A few weeks ago my mum phoned whilst I was out and DP answered. She said "Hi, is Sh ... " he butted in "No, she's out". My mum said "oh! could you get her to give me a ring ba ... " and he butted in again "yep, bye" and put the phone down on her!! She was livid but it just makes ME look bad,not him. His excuse that time was "I got distracted by the TV and I knew what she was going to say so I just answered that I would get you to ring her back" he doesn't seem to realise how obnoxious and rude he is. I cringe with embarrassment everytime we're out.

Could you try explaining to him that you will treat him the same way until he improves his behaviour? Probably not helpful but it sounds as if he doesn't get the problem/issue.

oh this isnt good at all. Your OH sounds like a cunt to be honest.

And for the record - what you need to do is put some traction under your wheels, branches, bits of leaves - planks of wood etc so that the tyre has something to grip on.

I think this behaviour needs addressing. Why are you with him? We all have bad days and snap, but if my DH behaved like that toward a stranger who was trying to help us, I would be questioning the relationship.

sorry, if this isnt what you wanted to hear.

I've tried that Belle but I just can't keep it up. I feel TOO rude. I was not brought up to cut people off mid sentance and to completely blank the people around me etc and I find it very hard to act like this, even if its just putting on an act. I used to let a lot of it go but now I put him up on EVERY little thing and it has got tedious for both of us. I just can't understand how a person can be SO rude to others for no reason.

Stuff like this scares me as I can't decide if your OH is just plain rude or like DS and is autistic as I could well imagine him getting into that kind of situation in years to come.

record him next time. then play it back when he's calm.

The most salient point I noticed in what you wrote was that it makes YOU look bad. You are already taking responsibility for him - and I do understand this, so am not flaming you in the least.

If you have been on Mumsnet a while, you will perhaps have read about the "waitress test" which describes how your newish romantic partner treats the average Joe in the street. If he treats strangers with contempt, anger or discourtesy, that's how he'll end up treating you. It is the hallmark of an abusive man.

That helpful man in his white shorts was the waitress. But he's also making no effort at all with people you love (your Mum). I bet you made excuses for him to her "he's really tired, been working hard lately, sorry Mum".

Don't take responsibility for him and do some reading on abusive partners. You might just have a lightbulb moment and some prescience of what your life will become if you stay with this man.

My XP used to do this and frequently made it look like me who was being rude!

E.g. we went to visit my Dad and stepmum when DS was only about 3 months old. They went out for a walk as a family on the morning we were due to leave later that day, leaving us behind as they thought we might want a lie in if DS had kept us up in the night. XP was livid that they hadn't even invited us for a walk and insisted that we leave them a note and go home without saying goodbye. I argued with him for a bit but in the end we did just go My Dad phoned when we were on the motorway and obviously XP couldn't talk so I had to explain on the phone, it was awful, I felt so rude just disappearing like that and they were disappointed not to get to say goodbye to us and DS

I did apologise once I had left XP and they said they were relieved because it didn't seem like me at all!

Sounds like my DH who has aspergers

I'm surprised the guy didnt thump your DP! Such helpful people seem to be rare today, seems your DP needs to listen to you in those situtions, I'd give him another chance but if he doesnt listen to you next time then it's time for a serious talk...

Are there other unusual behaviours?

I hope you thanked the guy ?

This sounds like my father to a tee

He is an abusive man, I feel (with hindsight) that he has an undiagnosed personality disorder

He has given my mother a hell of a life (and us kids when we were younger)

I have many memories of him smashing up recalcitrant bits of equipment when he took it personally when they wouldn't work

He took verbal and emotional abuse to a new level

One day, he took a sledgehammer to the car...which was parked outside the house in full view of the (sniggering) neighbours...he was well-known as a bit of a fuckwit (little did they know, really)

I never invited any school friends back to my house, unsurprisingly

I could go on for hours, sorry about my little eulogy there

To summarise...that is not normal behaviour and trying to cover up and make excuses for him will hurt you in the end

Was reminded of Basil Fawlty there Anyfucker

HW...that is what DH and I call him (when we are feeling slightly more charitable, that is)

I have other names

You mean the episode of Fawlty Towers where Basil batters the car with a tree branch ?

Very funny when it is fictional...not so great when the whole world knows your father is an absolute dickhead with no impulse-control

Oh GOD yes, the crushing shame of having a father who cannot restrain himself from bellowing through the house and dragging you into the kitchen by your hair when your FRIENDS are there.

that friend never ever visited my house again. her (sensible!) parents owuldn't let her. I told my dad that once, that his behavior was so bad that other children were not allowed to come into my house. - he told me to stop being melodramatic but it was true.