How do I get him to wash more without sounding like a nag?!

[toastandmarmiterocks]

I've never posted before so please be gentle...!

I absolutely love and adore my DH but it has just dawned on me that he does not clean himself enough! He always used to, that was something I loved about him. I love snuggling up to him... not anymore! He works outside so is covered in proper dirt. He wears the same clothes everyday and when I tell him they need a wash he says 'it doesn't matter, they are just my work clothes'... He does always have clean pants and clean socks though! (sorry, have I over-shared??!!). The thing that really gets me is that he does not have a shower every day.

How do I subtly get him to wash more?! I don't want to hurt his feelings but it is really off putting. If he thinks I'm nagging him then we'll probably just end up rowing. I can't help thinking it shows a lack of respect for me. We've been together 14 years and it hasn't always been this way although he has never used deodorant and NEVER aftershave (this I like). We have a virtually non existent sex life and for my part the cleanliness is an issue. I'm not a clean freak by any means but I do shower everyday and have clean clothes on every day too.

I would appreciate any useful advice on how to broach this...

Don't be subtle, be honest/blunt !! It's the only way to properly get your point across. When my husband is subtle about things to me it drives me mental as in the end we end up rowing and I say things to him like "I'm not a mind-reader, just tell me what you are trying to say".

When he goes to the gym in the evening if he comes back and hasn't showered, I just say something like "are you showering before you come to bed?" and he will just go have a shower.

Or make a joke of it, next time he says something just say "oh seriously, you aren't going to shower ???" and laugh as if its the most bizarre thing you've ever heard, he'll get the point.

I had a similar problem with my DH for years as he did not brush his teeth very often (gross I know). I put up with it for years and he always said he would do it when I nagged but always forgot. The problem is with this sort of thing that you need to be in the habit of washing every day or it is easy to forget.

I felt uncomfortable but in the end I turned to my husband and said this really upsets me, it makes me feel like you don't respect me and it is the minimum I will accept regarding personal hygiene so please do it.

Now he brushes his teeth every day and he is in the habit so I never have to remind him.

It sounds as though he has lost sight of himself - its almost a self esteem issue. How about a weekend away just you two - a bit of pampering in a strange environment might put him in touch with himself and how he relates to others, including you.

Invite him into the shower with you, give him a good soaping then show him a good time, if he equates being clean with sex then it's a win-win.

Say to him , "if you haven't showered then I'll just naturally assume that you don't want sex".

One of the things I wish I'd known when I was younger is that every behaviour has a reason.

What you are describing is a bigger issue than perhaps you realise, but it's capable of remedy as long as you acknowledge that these are symptoms of a more worrying cause.

He's stopped washing and grooming because he's become massively complacent. You say your sex-life is non-existent and that hygiene issues are for you part of the cause. So what does he feel about the non-existent sex life? Could it be that he is taking much less care because he knows it puts you off sex and in fact he doesn't want sex either, but would rather you took the blame for it by refusing him? It's a less well-known manipulative trick I'm afraid.

I can't imagine living with a man who never used deodorant and so I suspect that direct honest communication is a real issue in your marriage.

This isn't about hygiene - I think it's about a bit of manipulation, some controlling issues on his part, massive complacency and poor communication between you.

A light bulb might come on to you if you recognise this scenario. You get no tender or loving communication from him all day/evening, he smells like a pig and looks unattractive. You go to bed and he reaches out and sex is the last thing on your mind. You say no. He sighs and rolls over...

Now who would you say engineered that - him or you?

Watching this thread eagerly as I have a similar situation going on. My dp only showers once a week, then moans that we don't have sex enough and that it's not spontaneous any more (funnily enough we usually do it once a week, after his shower!)

I can't bring myself to randomly go down on him or anything when I'm not sure if he's going to be clean. He often won't brush his teeth before bed either, and he'll come to bed stinking of his last cigarette so we never kiss any more. I've tried hinting and even outright asking him to shower but he just gets annoyed and says I'm nagging and forcing him. It never results in him showering.

Then I'm afraid dimbo you are being severely manipulated. Be extremely wary of anyone telling you that a perfectly reasonable request in a marriage is "nagging". Don't fall for it.

Are you sure he's not just a lazy procrastinating sod? He never gets round to doing anything else either unless it's xbox related.

If I told you about XH's hygiene you'd be convinced I was massively exaggerating, so I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, it was an issue (and the cigarette breath a whole other issue). Fortunately he wasn't a naturally smelly person. There was just this pervasive air of grime... His argument was that he didn't want to waste money on something so unimportant as washing. He'd say "Only dirty people need to wash", followed by a horrible whinny of laughter. Why the f* I didn't tell him to get out of my effing bed until he could clean himself up is one of life's little mysteries. But he used to insist it shouldn't make a difference to our love life because he always washed the important bits. And I knew how much fun we'd have on the emotional rollercoaster for the next few months if I turned him down.

Yes, I'm sure based on what you've told us, but you've now told us that he has sufficient motivation to interact with an inanimate object and that he's lazy and procrastinating.
So he doesn't respect you enough to even wash or brush his teeth, he is lazy and procrastinating, accuses you of nagging if you make perfectly reasonable requests and puts the blame on to you for the lack of spontaneous sex. Sounds very manipulative and entitled to me...sorry.

at Annie...you've made me giggle this morning with this - thanks!

Just be honest, gentle but honest and most importantly firm

DH I'd like you to shower every days please because I want to get jiggy more and clean you really does it for me

I reckon there is a little bit of truth in everything everyone has said. DH and I have slightly lost our way recently. He gets home from work absolutely shattered. He will fall asleep on the sofa whilst eating his supper. He'll then crawl up to bed usually long after me - I've given up trying to wake him.

Sounds awful written down!! WhenwillIfeelnormal, I don't think he his manipulating me, he's just not like that. I do however think he doesn't make the effort anymore, he's not so much lazy, just knackered. He has totally lost his sex drive (maybe worried we'll get pregnant again! we've got 3 dcs; 5, 3 & 1).

omg! this sounds like my dp and nagging does not work for me!

he comes home from work on a friday stinking of bus parts (he a mechanic) but he wont shower or bath till the sunday!

he wonders why we dont have sex and i told him it was cos he was dirty and stank but he wont change! quite often ill ask him when the last time he had a shower was and he cant remember!

am tryin to get the courage to leave him as this along with lots of other things is starting to drive me crazy

dustycups, love your name

phew, I'm not the only one it seems! I thought you'd all either flame me for having a major underlying issues in our marriage or call me a stinky cow for putting up with it! DH is lovely in every other way he is just a bit whiffy as the dds would say!

dustycups, does your DH go out at all between Friday and Sunday? My DH will have a wash if we are going out... I'm sorry you want to leave your DH, I hope you find the courage before you go too crazy.

Run a bloody bath for him when he gets home then! Easy. Then make a fuss of how you love it when he smells so good, it's like training a dog, get him to equate being clean with great sex.

I actually wish my DH would wash less, I like him a bit sweaty ( clean bits are a must though).

Make bathing/showering together a pre-cursor to sex, scrubbing each other's backs can be quite erotic - a good buffing with a scrunchie sponge can work wonders .

I'm sure if you take him in hand in the shower, nothing but good things will come of it.

... training a dog!!!!! Poor old DH, if only he knew I was having this 'conversation'!!!

My ex used to be a bit like that - I used to have to force him into the shower all the time!
I should have known that he was having an affair when he started showering twice a day

I just meant use a bit of positive reinforcement. So yes, exactly like training a dog, works with children as well as husbands. By doing something you want them to do, they get something nice in return.

I'm not surprised in the least at that Ginnny. Many women are astonished when their Hs have an affair, because people have been fed a diet of received wisdom that they do so because they weren't "getting enough" of something. And actually the truth is that they weren't "giving enough" - so selfish, lazy men with poor hygiene who take no responsibility for their sex lives and relationship are actually the prime candidates to have an affair.

These are not trivial issues, ladies. Ignore this sort of behaviour at your peril.

Sorry but i would not be "training" my Dh into washing reguarly by promising a shag!!!!

If DH didn't shower (does 2x a day) then he would be sleeping alone. It is disgusting and disrespectful

On the rare occasion I need to prompt a shower I say to my DP 'you smell like my mum's dog when its been in the river, get in the shower' or something like that. Its short and to the point and leaves no room for doubt. I find it gets swift results.

Me either agal. This infantilises men who are adults and does nothing to reinforce taking equal responsibility for a relationship. Treat someone like a child and they will behave like one. Hints and "rewards" have no place in an adult-adult relationship. Direct and honest communication on the other hand, achieves the best results in the long run.

I'm not reaching WWIFN's conclusions from the OP, hence my lighthearted comments.

If you TELL him that not being clean is putting you off sex with him, and he doesn't respond by showering regularly, then you do have a problem.
DH has no problem telling me if my armpits are a bit whiffy, which they are at certain times of my cycle when deodorant just doesn't work , I have no problem fetching a flannel if his bits are less than fresh because I've surprised him.
If you have good communication then you can tell each other anything and no offence will be taken.

If he smells, tell him to have a shower, it's hardly rocket science!