How do I get him to wash more without sounding like a nag?!

[toastandmarmiterocks]

I've never posted before so please be gentle...!

I absolutely love and adore my DH but it has just dawned on me that he does not clean himself enough! He always used to, that was something I loved about him. I love snuggling up to him... not anymore! He works outside so is covered in proper dirt. He wears the same clothes everyday and when I tell him they need a wash he says 'it doesn't matter, they are just my work clothes'... He does always have clean pants and clean socks though! (sorry, have I over-shared??!!). The thing that really gets me is that he does not have a shower every day.

How do I subtly get him to wash more?! I don't want to hurt his feelings but it is really off putting. If he thinks I'm nagging him then we'll probably just end up rowing. I can't help thinking it shows a lack of respect for me. We've been together 14 years and it hasn't always been this way although he has never used deodorant and NEVER aftershave (this I like). We have a virtually non existent sex life and for my part the cleanliness is an issue. I'm not a clean freak by any means but I do shower everyday and have clean clothes on every day too.

I would appreciate any useful advice on how to broach this...

Agree whenwillifeelnormal. While i don't mind nagging my teenage son to brush teeth etc (normal teen behaviour) i am not going to do the same for a grown man FFS.

My father had a shower on New Years Day in 2007,he then didn't shower again till my wedding day in April 2007.

How my mother puts up with it i will never know.

WWIFN, I'm a great believer in treating someone like a child if they are behaving like one.

I want to change my name to MalsFlannel.

Yes, I have mentioned the benefits of a flannel used as a sex aid before.

I think I've got a nurse-come-bedbath fetish.

I think I'm going to do it!

Mal, I know you are being light-hearted when you say this but honestly, I've lost count of the amount of times we read on these boards about women enacting parent-child relationships in their marriages. Meeting childish behaviour with parenting behaviour just reinforces the terrible cycle. This is basic transactional analysis.

Refuse to treat adults like children (or dogs!). Treat them like adults. Don't parent a romantic partner. Insist on partners taking personal responsibility for their sex lives. Don't be manipulated. Communicate directly, honestly and with kindness. Don't resort to passive-aggressive "hints" or pavlovian rewards.

I don't see how running a bath for your partner and scrubbing his back is "parenting" him, but that's maybe because I'm in a healthy and equal relationship.

The OP states she has a good relationship barring this one sticking point, surely treating it with humour is worth a go , before making it into a huge issue?

If dragging him into the shower every night until he gets the message doesn't re-train him, then drastic steps will be needed but if it does work, what's the problem?

I think I agree with both Mal and WhenWill.

I think trying a combination of just telling him, and making it fun, is definitely worth a try. And if it doesn't work, then I'm afraid WhenWill is right and the issue is far deeper.

sorry, nipped out to do the school run...

Well tell me I've got splinters in my bum from sitting on the fence but I kind of agree with everyone... So I shall start by humouring him, then running a bath and if all else fails I shall attack him with a flannel (have to be a big flannel though, I want him clean all over! Of course I want to rekindle things in the bedroom but that is not the only reason I want a clean husband). If he still doesn't get the message I guess its time for the heavy chat to question any underlying issues... ugh, not good at that (either of us).

I don't understand how these guys can not be bothered that their own DPs/DWs are telling them they stink? My DP would be (and is) mortified if he's sweaty/dirty and hasn't been able to have a shower before he gets home and wants to be clean ASAP because he would hate to think of others noticing. Plus he knows I love him clean.

A friend of mine will not wear deodorant etc, does wash though. He just likes human smells I think rather than perfume, and to be fair has no double standards WRT his DP/others smelling. What would your husband say if you were smelly/unwashed? Have you asked him? Or maybe even try doing it and see if he notices (if you can stand it).

Two possible reasons that spring to mind for others (not OP, sorry!)are low self-esteem, or being controlling. Could it be that he actually likes making you do things you don't like? E.g. having to sleep in bed with a dirty man? I had a boyfriend who used to like causing me irritation and discomfort, it's subtle but vile.

oh Elephant what a horrible boyfriend. That really is twisted.

I think my DH is totally oblivious. He is in the 'human smells' camp, he hates aftershave. I have tried to get him to use deodorant but he never does. That doesn't bother me, I like human smells and I don't mind body odour if it is fresh and washed off very quickly! I like the smell of soap and skin. What I don't like is the slobbishness and the feeling that DH just can't be bothered. It doesn't even enter his head that I might be wretching next to him! Mind you, I try and cover up my disgust which is silly, I'm sure he'll be mortified when I confront him tonight...

Yeah don't cover it up toast (in total accord with your name btw, I live on it!) just let him know that you fancy him and like to be around him when he's clean, but when he stinks you'd rather be in another room ta very much!

yes i too have similar prob with dh. i am pg with 3rd dd and am well up for a bit of nookie but dh's lack of washing (once per week) is totally grossing me out, and on top of that he doesnt brush his teeth at bed time after having a sneaky ciggarett. he must take me for a total mug if he thinks he can pretend he hasnt had a smoke then get into bed without freshening up.(he was supposed to give up when i got pg)

Also blames me for our lack of sex, as i often turn him down, but he wont do anything about it when i tell him it's his uncleanlyness which puts me off.

hmmm....

Do you have a very attractive friend who could sniff him and say 'god, you stink!' a few times?

No seriously, that's what I did to ex-DH and it worked a treat.

I would be blunt personally.

'Dh, I love you and everything but you smell like a million arse holes. You need to shower every day. This is non negotiable.'

Seriously.

I really dislike the way that a lot of these posts run along the line of either telling him that he will get sex if he showers, or nagging him, or running him a bath. Or getting a friend to tell him. Sorry, but I think that the direct way is the best one.

A very simple, "You STINK. Shower or you can sleep on the couch" would be my answer.

You are not his mother.

Don't cover up your distaste. Give it to him straight.

Perhaps if you stopped washing for a week and then ask him for some oral sex, he'd see your point of view.

Just be honest! Just tonight I was cuddling DH and asked "have you had a shower today?" - he hadn't and I said he was abit wiffy. End of. DH would take the piss tell me if I smelt, just as he tells me if my hair looks a mess etc. etc. If he brushed it off (about smelling) I'd tell him honestly people would start to take the piss at work. I told him recently he had to ditch a green t-shirt he has because he looks like a giant pea in it Honesty is always best, I'd be mortified if DH wasn't honest with me.

lol at your DH looking like a giant pea.