I think I just need reassurance

[partytime]

I have posted before about the breakdown of my very happy marriage due to my stbexh 3 year affair.

I have received fantastic advice from MN and learned about aspects of my ex's treatment of me that I hadn't been able to understand, e.g. his gaslighting me, NPD,

I thought as so many do that affairs happened when someone was unhappy or dissatisfied, but having read posts by WWIFN and others, I now realise that this isn't necessarily the case.

So here I am 6 or 7 months on from him leaving to be with OW, whom he says he loves, but still loves me as well.

I miss him terribly, as I am still in love with him, despite all he has done, and I tell myself that I deserve better.

But it is so hard, he is a good man who loves deeply but has chosen a different path.

Please could someone give me the reassurance I need to see that I will get over this in time and be happy again.

I have two DC at University who I am very proud of, and they bring great joy in my life but a part of me is missing.

I feel old, ugly and worthless, that no one will love me again and I will be alone forever.

Are you doing anything fun with your life at the moment?

I work, go to the gym a few times a week, meet friends.

It is hard to meet anyone new as all my friends are married with DC, and don't do nights out without their partners.

Another reason for my post is that I have told him that I want no more contact with him other than for legal reasons.

We had discussed remaining friends, and that we would keep in touch.

But I can't do it. It is too painful to see him, when I do it reminds me of what we had and what I have lost.

You need a bit of a rethink - he is not a good man, he deceived you by having a three year affair.

pt...you will get over it, I promise

one day, maybe not soon, but one day you will meet a lovely bloke who will restore your faith in men

and even if you don't...you are free of his toxic influence and you have taken the better path

that is all you need to know

and I agree you cannot be friends

who would want to be friends with someone like him... don't mistake shared history as some compelling reason to stay mates with him

that is daft...and not in your best interests

it might suit him of course, because he still gets to be the "reasonable man"..."see, I'm not that bad am I, because I remain friends with the exW (she is a nutter you know, gosh you would not believe what she put me through...etc etc ad infinitum"

you get the picture...

I don't know anything about the situation with your ex, but as he's gone and the DCs are at uni do you think you need to find something for yourself? Work and the gym can get a bit boring (unless you've got a brilliant, exciting job, of course) - what other interests do you have?

AF - I do understand what you are saying, and of course I don't know what he tells OW about me.

But I can't believe he would refer to me as a nutter and I certainly haven't put him through anything.

I have maintained my self respect at all times, I haven't confronted OW despite wanting to on many occasions.

He has acted reasonably, mainly due to his feelings of guilt and his embarrassment at what he has done to me.

I agree that he has done terrible things that are unforgivable but I know that he will continue to provide for me.

I suppose that is why I am unsure about refusing to see him, to keep him onside if you like.

Added to this part of me wants the contact, sadly I can't seem to break free.

plumm - I know I need more in my life but I am not a hobby type.

I enjoy my job but it is only part time and I fill spare time going to the gym, walking the dog, gardening.

I am not very confident doing things by myself, I suppose it's because I have never had to.

I had been with him 25 years and my life has revolved around him, his job and the DCs.

I wish I did have a brilliant, exciting job but there is no point getting one at the moment, as am moving when we sell the house.

pt...I truly hope you didn't misunderstand me

I was painting a fictional picture there as to why it may be very much more to his benefit than yours to have a surface, public enduring friendship after everything he put you through

I genuinely apologise, hand on heart that my words may have indicated any criticism of you

I got my approach wrong, I am sorry x

AF - no apology needed, maybe I misread your intention.

I have difficulty understanding why he wishes to maintain this friendship.

As I see it he has chosen OW over me, our DCs and our life together, everything we have worked so hard for over 25 years.

I told him a the very beginning that I couldn't do this but have tried.

He hasn't explained anything to me, when asked what he wants from me he cannot answer.

It is confusing as well as distressing, mixed messages I suppose.

I love him he knows that I am no good at pretending otherwise.

is he very aware of social niceties ?

doesn't want to be painted as a bad man ?

tried to keep your difficulties secret for as long aspossible...didn't want your family/friends to know the real resons why you were splitting?

has a reputation, either socially or at work to uphold ?

that is what I was trying (badly) to say, and also to say to you that you should do as you wish...you don't owe him anything

or, worst case scenario, he wants to keep you sweet in case things don't work out with fancy-woman ?

All of those things.

He has a very powerful position in a huge global company.

OW is work colleague. No one at work knew about them!!

Has a reputation to uphold with clients and staff.

If we/he had difficulties then I didn't know about them let alone anyone else.

Do I owe him anything?

The sensible answer would be no, not now.

But I have had a lovely life because of his commitment and achievements.

I have considered if he is keeping me sweet in case it goes wrong with OW, others in RL have suggested this too.

I cannot see that though, knowing what he is like, he doesn't make decisions unless he is certain, he would never change his mind.

< secretly breathes a sigh of relief I didn't put my size 6's in it again >

PT...it seems you have a strange sense of loyalty towards him

you mention a comfortable lifestyle for you due to his achievements

you don't recognise any achievements of your own ?

or the fact that because you supported and loved him along the way, he was able to be in the position he is now ?

please, examine your thoughts and give yourself more credit

and do not think he will not ever come back with his tail between his legs...maybe he will, maybe he won't

but I sincerely hope he doesn't manage to keep you sweet enough that he could weasel back in...

I have been told that before too, about not giving myself credit for what I have contributed to our lives together.

I have supported him without question, my own career never developed, but that was OK as DC's and family came first.

I am loyal to him, yes that's strange, but I think this is because I have been with him for so long.

Like I say, I know he won't come back, he has said as much, so no weasling going on.

I am not a push-over you know, I have been told that my fiesty character is very attractive and that I am strong enough to survive this.

I am just filled with self-doubt at the moment, due to the rejection I guess.

I don't think you are a pushover...you sound rather strong and more fair-minded than he deserves (but that is to your credit)

Gosh, you don't have to explain why you are full of doubt...who wouldn't be ?

Am expecting some more posters will rock up soon who will offer you slightly different perspectives to think about and give you some reassurance

I just seem to be channeling your RL friends

yes it must be an awful blow to your confidence
you can look on the negative side about what you have lost
or on the positive, about the new opportunities you now have to put yourself first and find out what fulfils you as an individual
for me strangely enough this has NOT turned out to be a new man
but be gentle on yourself these are very early days and it will still feel hugely raw
I used to cry buckets when handing over dc a contact time - after a year!
but down the line I can honestly say I am happier, stronger than I have been in my life
Many of my friends are held back by leaving life decisions to their rather inconsiderate partners and I am so glad I am not in their position

Thanks AF

Ninah - thanks too

My DC are older and can make own decisions about how much contact they have with him and they can drive themselves.

But it still hurts that they want to see him, I know that is selfish of me, he is still their Dad.

They know all the details of what he has done, we agreed not to keep secrets from them as they are 'almost' adults.

I hope that I will feel happier eventually, the last couple of years I have been very unhappy, due to suspicion etc (see my previous posts), and his denials.

I do feel that life has passed me by, am too old to begin again, with a new man or career. Maybe I am putting barriers up, scared to change things, lacking confidence in my abilities, who knows.

well you could spend time thinking 'I am too old'
or you could think 'I have this time to fill NOW, life is finite, what can I do to say I've been here?'
doesn't have to be job or man, could be anything, something outside your comfort zone, one friend of mine who finds Xmas hard as her dc are with ex does the homeless soup kitchen thing
she is also writing a novel dating unsuitable men and growing her own weed
I do know what you mean about the corrosive effect of suspicion and the aftermath on your self esteem
but feeling bitter while it is only natural hurts you the most
Think more about yourself and less about him
it really is the way forward

I seriously doubt life doesn't have more to give you (man, or no man)

and I also don't believe you should lack confidence in your abilities

anyway, 'tis words on a screen innit, we don't know you (but I bet I am right...)

time will tell

yes I would put actual money on that af
about 12-1?

Hard not to think about him, can't blot out so many years.

I don't see myself as bitter, hurt, disappointed, sad, angry at times, but not bitter.

That is self destructive and I won't let myself fall that low.

Thanks for the advice

really hope things work out for you pt

me too

PT Just thought I would share some of my times with you.My H walked out on us Nov 09 horrific pain and shock on my part having to go it alone with 2 small dcs.But some of the best advice i got was that in order to heal I have to nourish myself.I am also fiesty ,as a teen I was a ninja suffragette but a 15yr relationship had left me weak and fragile.So just like me you are an acorn but with nourishment you will grow into a strong oak ,you will heal from this and become empowered by this life changing experience ,already you will have grown emotionally as you are pushed out of your comfort zone . You have every right to grieve for your relationship 25yrs is a long time ,but please let your inner voice stay positive ,your job is to "Big up Party Time" Spoil yourself ,be indulgent Just take it one day at a time .One thing I try and do is celebrate my individuality ,I dont need to answer to anyone and I can enjoy my freedom.I needed to find out who I was again after all those years,I had to find a way to be firing on all cylinders.I love Spring I love the new energy it brings .I fight my negativity , it is the only way I know ,after my rage I had to find a new path and part of that is stopping my negative bring me down inner voice.Change cant to CAN sort of thing !Explore all the things you thought you shouldnt or couldnt do,feel ALIVE...YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR !PLEASE REMEMBER YOU ARE AMAZING xxxxx

Maybees you are so far on from me, my H left October 09, a bit longer than you, how have you done i

I have confidence in so many areas, my personality, my likeability (for want of a better word), compassion and kindness to others, resourcefulness, independence.

I lack confidence in my abilities to find a job that will keep me and DCs, I want to be free of stbexh handouts (except for maintenance for DCS)

I lack confidence in my looks, appearance, attractiveness. I know a new man isn't the answer but one day it would be nice.

I am generally optimistic and positive, I keep smiling despite how I feel on the inside.