DH Working Too Much??

[hedwig06]

A bit of background .... DH & I have been together 16 years, we have 4 DC, 14, 10, 8, 3, the older two DC are girls and the younger DC are boys. I am a SAHM.
My DH has recently started his own business with a friend from a previous job whom he kept in touch with.

I agreed when we first discussed it with obvious concerns, money being the main one if I'm honest, we have never had a lot of money, but also time with the family was another of my concern's, as when we first were together as a couple with our first DD, he worked horrendous hours just to make ends meet, during the more recent years he has been not too bad, but with periods of long hours, no days off, etc, where I have then had a talk, (moan), and he has tried to make more family time.

BUT it is as I feared, he's never here, he has just done a fortnight without a day off, 7-5pm, from January 2010 for 2 months 7 days a week, then from march-ish until 2 weeks ago just a Sunday off, I have done everything, housework, kids, homework, gardening, visiting relatives, bills, shopping, etc, etc.

YES he is earning great money, (we've never been so well off), but I'm missing, him, feel lonely, isolated, resentful ....

I have tried to tell him how I feel and all I get is well think of the money, but I'm not materialistic at all, yes it's been nice to treat the kids to new stuff, I've taken them out over Easter to Zoo's, days out, and I've never had the money to do this before, but we want him here.

Even the neighbours are noticing, I was cutting the grass Sunday just gone, and the lady next door asked me what I was doing, cutting the grass, surely DH should be doing it, don't you have enough on your plate with the 4 DC, etc, etc. I couldn't really answer her, I got all upset :-(

please any advice????

Sounds like you need to have a good talk about it. If you expressed concerns about money when he started this, and he hears the kids saying they're enjoying their trips etc he probably feels under pressure to provide as much as possible.

Also, do you know how he feels about his work/life balance? He may well be really missing the kids but as above feels under pressure to do the right thing by his family. He may also be worried that there will be times when the work is drying up so he's squirreling away in advance of that.

Think you really need to agree a time to sit and talk about how it's panning out and maybe try and agree some guidelines/review division of household labour.

Yes, he needs to take at least one day off a week, I would have thought.

And now that he is earning great money but rarely around to support you then you need to get a cleaner and possibly someone to help you in the garden too.

Suecy,

Thanks for replying, I think the hardest bit is he doesn't understand how I feel, he LOVES his job, especially, as he is now his own boss, and working with a great mate.

He comes home telling me of the little jokes, and laugh's he's had, while all the time I'm seething that he could be so insensitive, knowing I have sat in the house all week and weekend doing job after job, school runs, looking after a very demanding 3 year old, etc.

I have asked him how he feels, and to be honest the only pressure he says he's feeling is from me asking him to be home more ....

I guess what I was asking is whether I should just shut-up and put-up, for the sake of money, and DH, as he is happy ?? Even if I'm not....

I feel like the resident baby-sitter.

bibbity....

I would never employ a cleaner ?? Don't ask me why, it just isn't me, now a gardener - I like that idea

My point is we decided to have 4 children together and we should raise them together, within certain boundaries of work. I have even threatened to go and find myself a job, so he would have to have the DC more, his response was to stop being silly, as e can earn 3 times more than I could, and if I was to go that far, he would ask his Mum to look after them, so I can't really win

Sorry, didn't gt that from your original post. You definitely need to talk then - it isn't fair on you. If he enjoys his job that much then it seems like he's just being completely selfish and getting away with it under the pretence of 'breadwinning'.

If I were you I'd be feeling well peed off - does he not want to spend any more time with you and the kids? If not he is bang out of order. He's expecting you to just carry on regardless - insensitive, selfish, uncaring and completely out of line.

He sounds like a bit of a MCP to be honest, and I'd be fundamentally worried if my DH was hearing all my concerns and rubbishing them - doesn't sound like an equal relationship. Before this was he any different?

Before the start of the new business in January, he was working alot, but home at 3.30pm every day, (mon-fri). Sat & Sun 7-10am alternate weekends, so really quite a good balance.

When he is at home he's great, helping with dinner, showers, homework, etc, etc.

Just since he started this new business he's never here, the odd hour or two in the evening that he is here, he is great still, helping with the kids, dinner, washing up, etc, but 2 hours on the evening, when really most things have been done, and then never here at weekends, bank holidays, etc, just isn't enough for me.

I don't think he understands how close to meltdown we are, he just asks every evening,
are we talking tonight?
I just say yep, and then mostly ignore him ....

As I've said before I'm full of resentment, and anger, I wondered if I was being unreasonable. Maybe this isn't a big thing for some women, but this isn't what I "signed up" for, it isn't the type of relationship I want, and I do feel he should want to be here with us and not have to be nagged into it.

Thanks for listening and your input xx

I can understand where you are coming from.
My h had a job he loved, worked very long hours and had fantastic pay and bonuses. But money is not everything is it.

The trouble is you are asking him to give up something that he loves and provides you with the lifestyle he thinks you want. You cant make him not like his job - but you can learn to love your lifestyle.

For instance ask yourself why you dont want a cleaner or a mothers help - after all it sounds as if you can afford it now. It took me a long time to admit that it was me that had the problem with 'employing' help.
Think of the plus side. The house and kids are looked after and you can spend the day doing something you love and be able to tell your h about your day too in a relaxed way.

You say the only stress he has is when you 'moan' about him spending more time with you - dont take this wrong but make him WANT to come home to you - make yourself more interesting than his job.

It is not easy but you can do it - go and find something you love doing and i bet he will either start to make more of an effort to come home or it will not bother you so much as you have lots to do.

You sound as if you have some resentment about your roles - get rid of the chores you hate by employing someone to do them for you and you may find the resentment eases a bit.
Good luck

Buy the way what's a MCP??

HappyWoman,

Thank you, I never thought of it that way, that's really why I posted to get a balanced opinion, I can't make him give it up nor if I am honest would I want to, that's why I backed him 100% when he started this new business, but I am resentful and bitter that he never stuck to his side of the bargain and made more family time....

I suppose its obvious really that he wouldn't want to come home to silence, anger, moaning etc, but he should want to come home to his DC.

xx

Sorry i posted before you said about the resentment.

Well you have made yourself clear - this is not the marriage you want. You have every right to have the marriage you want too. BTW - I used to be happy about h staying away lots but now i am not - i want him home with us as a family. I am lucky though as that is what h wants too.

But instead of 'nagging' him to change maybe you should change instead - think about getting help.

Do you know what it is he wants - have you both been honest or has this situation just developed with neither of you really knowing what the other wants. He clearly believes you have a good life, unless you spell it out to him he may not understand. And that means with constructive things to help improve - not just i want you home more..

How about sitting and coming up with a plan to say do one family outing a month and maybe a night out for the 2 of you.

We do this - it seems a bit false at first but it is great to plan forward and have something you are both seeing as a goal.

Sometimes it doesnt work but we both know how important it is for us so we try to factor in some quality time for family things.

Houswork and gardening will still be there when you get back and sometimes i find it easier to get those things done and out of the way.

No we haven't really sat down to to talk, but we have had a lot of little discussions, I do think he knows what I want, but either doesn't want to change or doesn't really understand where I am coming from, as feeling lonely, like the paid babysitter, etc.

I think another talk is on the cards, but I am hesitate about saying do this or else, as what is the or else ...

Thats a good idea, we haven't been out together on our own for about 5 years

i can understand not wanting to say 'or else' - as you say it is not that bad.

What i would say is though you must get a life that is seperate from his.

When my h had his affair and my life was devestated i really had no other life.

Since then i have a job and like i said i am less afraid to ask for help.

The 'or else' fear has gone for me now - i stay with my h whilst i am happy and he makes me happy - but i am not afraid to be alone if i am not happy. iyswim.
I feel confident that if i said i am not happy with you working XYZ hours he would know i meant it and would either do all he could to change that or if he didnt i would have to accept that and leave. Sounds harsh when written down but i hope you understand what i mean.

I think too - make him feel welcome when he comes home - i remembe that was one of the critisims my h had of me - and he was right i did not make him feel welcome after he had been working hard all day . In some ways i feel i did 'push' him towards his affair - although of course he sees what a shitty thing it was too.

I'm for bringing up bad memories for you, but I would like to thank you for taking the time to talk to me and be honest, I am so stuck in feeling sorry for myself and feeling resentful that I didn't really think of things like, why he wouldn't want to be coming home, i,e.the arguments and the silent treatment.

I have just had another talk to him, as he's just home from work, I should have waited but couldn't

I nearly started crying which isn't like me and I think finally I have got through to him, but he still has a baffled look on his face, when I said I would prefer less money and more of his time.

I have said that if things didn't change I will be considering getting a job in September when my youngest DS starts nursery, as I needed some adult conversation and something that helps me come out of my shell and stops me being lonely. I have also pointed out that the more apart we become within the marriage the less likely I am to notice he isn't here and the more likely we will drift apart, I think he has taken this onboard, and also the other point I made of not trying to keep us together on my own, he had to help as well.

I hope this makes sense, but I am typing it quite quickly before he comes back from picking up DD from her friends. I haven't told him about posting on here, although I might later on when we have more time alone without the DC.

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart xxx

Hedwig06, I do think you need to talk to him. However, I also think you need to be quite realistic, if he's getting in at 5 every evening (unless I have misunderstood your post) and spending a couple of hours looking after the children, on housework, speaking with you, I actually think that's pretty good. I do think you are right to have a family day on the weekend and can see it is annoying not to have one, but it's only been for two weeks! Starting a business in the recession is pretty impressive, even more that he is doing well. I don't think his working hours seem excessive, some people have to work that just to survive.

I think the issue for you is that you are wanting him to provide everything, emotionally as well as financially and if you had more going on yourself, I don't think his working times would be quite so distressing to you. I think that getting a job is a great idea, you will enjoy the social aspect of it.
Unless there's stuff you haven't told us, he sounds like a good provider, a good dad and mostly a good husband. I think cold-shouldering him when he gets home is not a good way to sort this out.

I think expecting him to come home at 3.30pm as he was in the past (lucky you!!!) is frankly unrealistic. Wanting family time on Bank Holidays or weekends is not, and it is this you should negotiate. Hope it goes ok, it seems you have a lot going for you and it would be a shame to tip this into a marriage crisis for the sake of a few tweaks around his working hours.

If I were you, I'd concentrate on talking to him about the weekends, because that's where the main issue lies - with not taking a day off. Sorry if this sounds brutal, but not many DHs are home at 3.30pm as yours was previously - yes, it may be that most things are done by 5pm, but that's still pretty early for someone to be home from a full-time job.

This is an interesting discussion.

HappyW's posts set off a lot of memories for me. Much earlier in my career I was working very long hours. At the time there wasn't much money involved, but it was seen as a requirement to 'get on'. We were living abroad, and my DW wasn't working (visa issues).

I would be working flat out, and when I got home all I got was resentment. All it made me want to do was to increase my hours where I was having fun in a good environment. as I saw it, she had the whole day to swan about in foreign country having cool experiences. Eventually it did get through to me that she was getting increasingly sad, lonely and resentful, but only after several very open discussions. DW being a bit more 'welcoming' when I returned home was certainly one of the things which helped.

Fortunately at about that time we had DD1, and quite frankly, if it wasn't for the necessity of having to earn money, I then wanted to be at home all the time with them - so things did get a lot better.

As a final comment, whilst you are right to be trying to address this, it's worth rememberting that whislt 6 months probably seems like an eternity to you, it's not that long in getting a new company up and running. A lot of work is needed in that sort of enterprise, and whilst you are thinking (obviously) of your own situation, your DH's hard work may also be enabling others to have employment and keep their families together.

SeasideLil I completely take on board what you are saying about the hours and I do know I have been spoiled in some way when he used to work until 3.30pm, but its the endless year in year out hours worked, and the fact that he hasn't stuck to his work about the hours worked since starting the business.

You are also right in saying he is great in everything else, and as I said to HappyWoman, I am selfishly seeing it from my side of the story, I am pushing my feelings of feeling lonely, bored etc, on him, and I really need to take charge of my own life rather than focusing on our life together - if that makes sense?!

alexsdad - thanks for replying, its not until I wrote on here that I understood properly what he is thinking and I have had this confirmed from him, when we had our talk yesterday, he doesn't understand why I am feeling like this, he is earning good money so I can stay at home with the DC and doesn't seem to think this is boring, repetitive, lonely, etc and he does want me to be more welcoming when he gets home rather than the anger and silence, as this DOES effect how much hours he does.

In return I want him to be home more at the weekends and bank holiday, maybe half days working as a compromise, so hopefully we both get what we need.

We'll see how things go xx

My DH runs his own business and all his business partners and employees are his friends so I know how it is and I sympathise.

My DH had to work EXTREMELY hard to get the business off the ground (luckily this was back when we first met so well before we had kids). He pulled 48hr days, worked weekends, etc, etc. Unfortunately, that is generally what is needed to start a business. They have all the workload of a busy company but not enough money to hire enough staff to do it!

Assuming that he continues to be successful, it WILL get better. My DH has a great balance now and gets to spend lots of time with our DS, which he loves. He still needs to go away two or three times a year for work and sometimes still works mad hours.

Your DH cannot work all day to provide for your family and be an emotional crutch to you too. It's reasonable to ask him to make some family time but if you want to feel better then I think you need to also take some responsibility for that yourself and make sure that you get out and about with the kids and with other friends who have families perhaps?

Well it could be worse. You could live with my DP who for the last two weeks has been "working" out of the country - I suspect it's more of a jolly if I'm honest.

Seriously though he is earning money while he is away, which we desparately need right now, so am fairly happy with the situation of him working away - I have much less resentment for this than I did when he would prefer to call in the pub until 8.30 while I had looked after the dc's all day (now 4 and 1).

Anyway I agree with the other posters about how he is treated when he comes home. When DD was a baby I was awfully resentful of him working all day while I was "stuck" at home and it nearly drove him to an affair. Fortunately for us it came out into the open and we were able to sort it out.

Good luck x

Agree with SeasideLil and Bramshott. Come to my house, my DH is out at work until 8.15pm on a good day and I work too(he also brings work home at the weekends and travels abroad at short notice).

Think part of the issue is that if your lives become quite different regarding work it's difficult to see the other's point of view.

I also wouldn't worry about the neighbours comment regarding cutting the grass, just tell her that now three (or 4?) of your DCs are at school, running the home is mainly your job while DH is working hard to make his new business a success to financially support the six of you; otherwise get a gardener or pay your teen to do it

Thanks for your messages,

I did think most people would think I was being unreasonable, but our relationship has never been us off doing our own thing.
We have always done things as a couple or a family and all our relatives are exactly the same, he has very occasionally out with a mate from work, but not very often to be honest, he doesn't have a hobby as such that takes him out and about on his own either.

So this is completely new for me....

I feel resentful that HE has decided that this is how our relationship is going to be now after 16 years of being together and doing things together, and he's forcing this on me without discussion or compromise and basically telling me to get on with it, to start making a life on my own within the marriage.

I don't have any close friends, only passing hello's and such forth, I don't have a job, all my relatives and family work, so no other sibling who's a mother either, so basically I'm stuck on my own for long hours.

I feel why should I make it easy for him to work long hours, he doesn't need to work so many hours for the money anymore so the only other reason is he wants to do the long hours, which to me is like a slap in the face and him saying I don't want to be at home.

Its silly and irrational I know but that's honestly how I feel.

"I don't have a job, all my relatives and family work, so no other sibling who's a mother either, so basically I'm stuck on my own for long hours."

This bit, you can do something about, hedwig. Even if there are no appropriate jobs (given your DC situation) you need to make an effort. You have DCs of school age - there must be the opportunity to meet other mums? How about the voluntary sector? I would be surprised if there was not an organisation in your area which whould appreciate even a couple of house help a week, and that would get you in contact with other adults. Or a hobby, or project round the house? You mention cutting the grass - is your garden large enough to make that a project? Grow veg for the family? Or design and decorate your DCs rooms. There must be something you would like to tackle.

Think of something you would like to do. And then get stuck in! You will feel better, and I bet your DH will be impressed (not that you are doing it for him).

Best of luck. Life is too short to feel you are wasting it.

Thanks alexsdad

I do need a kick up the bum I know!!!

I've read back my previous post and it does sound very self-pitying and not like me at all to be honest.

The voluntary work is an idea, I love children so maybe they need help at my DC's school, reading club or dinner lady, maybe.

I have started a project in the garden as well, making a rockery - not exciting, but using where there used to be a pond, so it was just a raised bed of dirt

Again thanks for listening its nice to know someone bothered to reply even when they are nicely telling me to get a grip