He is sucking the life out of me

[spotsandwrinkles]

DP is very short-tempered and paranoid. If I don't respond quickly enough when spoken too, have the wrong facial expression (don't look happy enough) or have the wrong tone of voice he starts asking me what's wrong (and my heart sinks because here we go again), I calmly try to tell him, I'm fine just a bit tired. But he will not leave at that. He goes on and on, "I can see something's wrong, bla bla"

He goes on and on, angrier and angrier, tells me I ruin his life with my moodiness and incapability of communcation... When I eventually and inevitably begin to cry he tells me I'm crying to make him feel bad.

What's the most sad thing is that I'm always unprepared for these outbursts; I'm reading, tidying up just getting on with stuff.

I have a DS 5 months, I'm doing everything with him and in the house. My family is overseas. Please don't flame me, I sound like such an idiot

Oh Spotsand wrinkles this is an awful situation. He is behaving really really badly and will probably never change, unless it is to get worse. He has no right to treat you or anyone else in this abusive manner. You are right, he will wear you down. You could end up believing him. You will think you are at fault. You will not have the energy to leave him. Leave him now, whilst you can see that the situation is not NOT NOT acceptable. Why should anyone flame you, you are his victim. You deserve lots and lots of support, which I am sure you will get. I hope you sort this out really quickly so that you are less damaged by his abuse. Why not contact Women's Aid, who will help you ? You child does not need a role model who abuses his mother. Your child needs a happy Mother.

Good Luck.

yes,do call womens aid....they can help you
he sounds horrid!

What Baggy said

You shouldn't be tolerating this OP...it is likely to get worse

Does he ever get a little physical or "pushy" with you ? Because I am sorry to say, such awful bullying and attempts to wrong-foot and diminish you will, in many cases, progress to physical abuse

This is actually quite weird behaviour. How long have you been together? and is this a new thing or has he always been like this? If you've been together a while and it's new behaviour, there's a possibility he has developed mental health issues (the paranoid bit is setting alarm bells going).

Regardless, you do need help, and you shouldn't tolerate it on your own any more. Womens Aid is a good idea.

Sorry spots - this is all going to sound so doom-laden. But when my h started something similar with me I found out later he was having an affair. (I would be in trouble if i didn't come downstairs immediately I heard him come in; and he'd be angry if we'd run out of milk or there were no socks in his drawer or no shirt ironed for the morning. Really little things. I was even in trouble once because his pants were old and worn out!! No violent or anything - just sulky and cross.

I think he was trying to find fault with me to justify what he was doing. As you say, it was the surprise that was so difficult to deal with - you're just minding your own business when suddenly an attack comes on for no reason.

I'm not saying that that's what your DP is doing - it's just something to watch out for.

I'm sorry.

Snap, my ex did this all the time.

Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

It is not you, you are not alone and we can help you.

Thank you all. It's not new (which make me feel like such an idiot) but it has got alot worse since the birth of DS. He has (I suspect, as undiagnosed) Aspbergers, terrible social skills and inability to read social situations etc.
I used to be so, I don't know, so much stronger and I let myself down.

hmmm,well he sounds alot like my ex,he has a personality disorder,properly diagnosed. wish i hadnt wasted all those years with him though.

I have somehow thought I could help him...oh what a fool.

You haven't let yourself down, please don't think like that.

Regardless of what/whether he has Asbergers, he is behaving really badly towards you and, as you say yourself, sucking the life out of you. If he does have Asbergers, then there's even less chance of him changing than if he hadn't, and all the more reason for you to act now, before you are so exhausted that you simply can't.

Of course you used to be so much stronger, and you can be again without this man constantly dragging you down.

spots, many women think the "love of a good woman" can change a man like this

like you, they find years down the line when they have tied themselves to him, had children with him, suppressed their own personalities to avoid displeasing him...that it was never gonna happen

it is never too late to find that woman you used to be...and blaming yourself will only paralyse you

however...has he been formally diagnosed with anything ? Are you sure he doesn't just have a personality disorder ?

Speak to your HV about this...they are trained to recognise the signs of domestic abuse.

Or your GP, or speak to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans have written excellent books on this. I have got a lot from P.Evans.

It is NOT you. It is him.

QueenofWhatever, thank you will read it. Does these people ever change(think I might know the answer to that)?
Any Fucker: In a bizarre way, it would be easier if he had been physical, because then I would have left straight away. Or would I? I don't know anymore.

am so sorry x

I'm just so confused, we have a child now. If I was to leave I would go back to my homecountry, and in doing so making DS have very little contact with his father and vice versa. What have I done.

you haven't done anything, love

it isn't your fault

Hey You have done nothing. It is not your fault that your DH can't control his temper impulses.
You can't stay with someone who treats you like this, you know that. So it is his fault if you have to leave, NOT yours.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this though, x

"Do these people change?" If he has Aspergers or a personality disorder, or indeed if he's just always been like this, then no, they don't change.

So sorry for you. You haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like it has finally become unbearable, and it doesn't sound like you've got much choice but to save your sanity and that of your child.

Not sure that you can just go back to your home country though. I'm afraid the fact that you have a child together does make this much more difficult. You're not married, fortunately, so I think the law is a bit more flexible. If his name is not on the birth certificate you can probably just go home. If it is, you might need to find out whether DP can legally stop you leaving the country with the child.

Anyone out there with legal training?

Sounds awful. When we first got together my husband had an annoying habit of asking me"what's up" usually when nothing was up and I was just thinking. He soon got the hang of the fact that me not having an inane grin on my face wasn't something for him to comment on, unless it was a neutral comment like "are you OK?"

If this is the only problem in your relationship you could just respond by saying "I'm fine but I can pretend to be sad and invent a reason for my sadness if you can't cope with me having a neutral expression" but it sounds like your relationship problems are deeper than this if he won't take your word for it that you are fine and stop fussing.
If he really had aspergers I wouldn't expect him to keep trying to second guess your emotions. Alot of folk with aspergers need it spelled out to them if their partner is unhappy.

Today I had a conversation with a woman at the family safety unit....I called my h a Dementor (Harry Potter?) She laughed a lot...because the truth is, they DO suck the life out of you.

Agencies are VERY clued up these days. Talk to someone please.

So sorry...it's horrid.

He sounds really controlling and really insecure, when he's asking you what's wrong he really means "have I done anything to annoy you", he wants to know what you are thinking about, he wants to know what's going on in your head. There's no privacy, he doesn't want you to have any. If you feel like you are treading on egg shells now it is going to get worse. A man that feels the need to know everything about you and what you are thinking is a dangerous man, he's manipulative and he's controlling.

You can leave and go home, you need to do it quickly though. It's alot easier if your child has your surname. I know it's scary, there's alot of advice and support on here. Womens aid are really helpful aswell.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, stay strong though because you will get through it.

was your child born here op??

TBB, he was born here.

2Rebecca; Believe me, I don't want him to second guess my emotions. I have tried in attempts to reassure him I will tell him if I'm unhappy etc. He just doesn't believe me.