He is sucking the life out of me

[spotsandwrinkles]

DP is very short-tempered and paranoid. If I don't respond quickly enough when spoken too, have the wrong facial expression (don't look happy enough) or have the wrong tone of voice he starts asking me what's wrong (and my heart sinks because here we go again), I calmly try to tell him, I'm fine just a bit tired. But he will not leave at that. He goes on and on, "I can see something's wrong, bla bla"

He goes on and on, angrier and angrier, tells me I ruin his life with my moodiness and incapability of communcation... When I eventually and inevitably begin to cry he tells me I'm crying to make him feel bad.

What's the most sad thing is that I'm always unprepared for these outbursts; I'm reading, tidying up just getting on with stuff.

I have a DS 5 months, I'm doing everything with him and in the house. My family is overseas. Please don't flame me, I sound like such an idiot

He doesn't believe that you're unhappy, or he doesn't believe that you'd tell him if you were?

He probably does believe you're unhappy though, just doesn't understand it, won't believe it's him and therefore concludes that it's your own fault you're unhappy. I know my dh was like that.

< tells me I ruin his life with my moodiness and incapability of communcation >

Have you ever heard of projection? That is, he knows he's moody & uncommunicative, but can't face his own facts - so he tells himself it's you with the problem?

I know that looks mad (it is!) but look at this, too:
< he tells me I'm crying to make him feel bad >

Can you think of any SANE adult, who honestly believes another adult's feelings aren't their own? When you cry, he doesn't think "Oh, DP's upset, how can I help her?" No, he thinks your crying is what you do to upset him.

He is completely fucking doolally. I'm 100% sure that if you phone Women's Aid, they will not only understand exactly what you mean but would be able to tell you what he said next!

Yes, it's that predictable ...
Make that call: 0808 2000 247. Just do it as an experiment. Good luck!

Hi spots. Hope you are not feeling too overwhelmed.

Could he be projecting his own mood onto you and looking to you to explain how he is feeling?

I know this happens with me and DH when one of us is upset and blames the other for it inappropriately. We have been together so long we have got all tangled up in whose feelings are whose and it is taking lots of sorting out.

If you stop and look within and find that in fact you are happy and calm then maybe you could pass it back to him and say "thanks for asking, I feel fine, perhaps you have had a difficult day yourself? Would you like to talk about that?"
The trouble is when you have begun to anticipate the inquisition it is difficult not to start panicking and feeling anxious and defensive as soon as he starts questioning.

I would suggest looking at a book by Maggie Scarfe called Intimate Partners. It helped me understand the dynamic called projective identification that was going on between us much better.

best wishes WAEFMT

Oops cross posted. ItsGraceAgain you are so wise as usual

lol, that makes two of us

Just coming on to shout PROJECTION!!!! but Grace got there first. She is so right.

My Mum used to do this, and my ex h too, both have personality disorders.

Hi Spotsand wrinkles. Under the Hague Convention you cannot just remove a child from the country where he is domiciled without the consent of all those with parental responsibility. Your country of origin might or might not be a signatory to the Hague convention. Certain countries even though they are signatories to the Hague Convention are very reluctant to order the return of a child to the country from which he/she was removed. In simple terms, Spain for example, in my experience, simply ignores the Hague Convention. If you were to remove a child to Spain, chances are his father would find it very difficult to get him back. Some countries simply are Not signatories of the Hague Convention. You could apply to the Court for permission to "permanently remove the child from the jurisdiction of England and Wales". You would almost certainly succeed in gaining an order to permanently remove the child to your country of origin. You are the main carer. You need the support of your family of origin. The child's father behaves badly. Get all the evidence you can of his bad behaviour. Write everything down. Your description of his behaviour is good evidence. Almost nobody has an independent witness for their partner's bad behaviour as it is done in private. You need a good solicitor who specialises in Family Law. Some fathers give permission for the removal of their child provided there is some contact agreed. Some accept a solicitor's letter telling them that you intend to apply for an Order to Permanently remove the child from the jurisdiction, and that you expect to succeed. Whatever you do good Luck. (If you tell me what country you are proposing to return to, maybe I can help further.

Yep it does sound like projection - my dh similar and he'll accuse me of being lazy (he sleeps when not working) of not understanding family (he avoids my family), being a critical of others (when he constantly belittles his colleagues' achievements) and of being dirty (when he's just dropped coffee all of the floor and it's gone sticky). He also accuses me that there's something wrong - you don't say.

That's projection.

Does your dp have any good qualities? Enough for you to want to stay.

Is dp's name on the birth certificate? Would you be happier to go home to your folks?

Problem for you is that you're busy with baby and probably have very little headspace in which to sort out what you really feel and what would make you most happy - and what you need.The longer this goes on, however, the less empowered you'll feel.

I never normally post but I had to do so with this one as it sounds so familiar. My DH was always moody but got much much worse after our DD was born. It went on for ages. I knew something wasn't right and eventually got him to go to GP. He got a referral to a counsellor and was diagnosed. Once we knew what it was he was able to get specific help to deal with what was going on in his head. There is no silver bullet but with some help and research he was given the tools to help him. Also I was able to better understand what was causing the moods and we could work through the triggers together.
If your DH has got an undiagnosed personality disorder he probably doesn't understand why he feels the way he does and a diagnoses would be a huge relief to him. With both our DHs it seems the beby being born was a massive turning point. Another poster said that someone with a personality disorder will not change but this is only true in the case of an undiagnosed and untreated one. In our experience treatement helped hugely. We are much happier and have had another baby since. If you love your DH dont't give up hope. Get him to get help.

Basically I suspect his own inability to read people is making him completely paranoid, making him believe the worst in everyone. I have tried to explain what an impossible position he is putting me in when he starts these outbursts; I'm perfectly content (absolutely not playing some martyr game!) we might be out somewhere (or in, doesn't matter) having a perfectly pleasant time when he all of a sudden asks what's wrong. I'm fine thanks...no you are not, I can see something is wrong...why don't you tell me whats wrong...bla bla. Yep, it's like the bloody guy is stuck on repeat and winds himself up more and more. I try to remain calm, sometimes I have managed to get through to him, afterwards that is when he is calm(er) again, and he sort of seems to get it, that yes I would tell him if I was upset or unhappy AND he can't do this to me. And then, after a while he starts again.

Yes of course he probably is projecting his own mood onto me, but if there is something the guy is aware of it's his on lack of confidence and insecurities. Sorry does that even makes sense...? He is a mess. feeling inadequate with DS, and in life generally basically.
Yes he has good qualities, when he is calm (and happy!) he's a pretty decent guy really,

its so similiar to what I went through. Hes sucking the life out of me - I could have written that 2 years ago. Is he having problems in work? I know with my DH his head was so messed up it effected everything including work. Is he open to talking to someone- getting help? It sounds like he needs it.

If it hasn't been pointed out already, this is definitely emotional abuse and he is being an "emotional vampire" hence you feeling your life sucked out of you.

There's lots of resources on the internet about bullying in relationships and I suggest that you google
emotional abuse vampire and go from there.

It's certainly not a good situation to be in and you need to get out.

Good luck.

Does he do this to all people or just you? Can he read other people's emotions or is it just you?

This is critical because then I think it becomes clearer whether it is something as 'simple' as potential Asperger's or a personality disorder.

If it's just you in the comfort of your own home, then its domestic abuse. I wished my ex had just punched me, then I would have had some tangible proof. This death by a thousand cuts just seems worse. I would also look up projection, emotional abuse, gaslighting, PTSD on wikipedia.

Phone Women's Aid, they really are amazing. They (and MN) literally saved my life. I wanted to leave when my DD was a baby but stayed to try 'harder'. Last year I spent a month in hospital due to the stress of it all, please don't let that happen to you.

Thank you all! I will ring WA and I have tried to get him to seek therapy, he never actually goes through with it though, which does def make feel like throwing in the towel. Thank you.

QoW; he doesn't do it to everyone, but I know he is struggling with ALL relationships in his life, family friends & collegues. He takes out all his frustration on me and his mother, I have told him that my love certainly isn't unconditional, unlike his mothers, if she puts up with it, well I won't. Will have to make some real difficult decisions. Thank you.

DixieD; thanks, your story does give me some hope, but again, my P isn't seeking help. I can't help feeling I don't have enough love left in me.

I'm sad for you, Spots. I loved DixieD's story, too - it's rare enough to read of a man who recognises his mental health issues & wants to change! - but it just didn't seem as though yours was going to go the same route.

You must be so very tired of trying and of losing sight of how life with your DCs is meant to be. It takes courage to say "We deserve better" and to take some steps forward. I think you'll feel less alone after you've spoken to WA, and hope you'll stay in touch.

Spots, I understand where you are coming from. I would not have stayed with my DH if he had not got help and changed, it was not the sort of environment I wanted for my DD or myself. Ultimatly it was this understanding that drove him to get help. He wanted better for our family to.
Have you said to your P that if he doesn't get help you will leave? He seems so worried that you are not telling him if there is something wrong he must be scared to lose you. Maybe that would motivate him to get help?

I have told him I will leave if he doesn't seek help. He sometimes agrees, but then nothing happens. But then sometimes he just says that HE doesn't think there is anything wrong with our relationship...plus yesterday he admitted that he struggles with his new role as a father (it's been pretty obvious) thinks he is too young to be a dad (30...) mourning his lost youth and all the women he never had etc etc... typical crisis at 30 I would say. So now I wonder if he is subconciously wrecking stuff, well, on top of his usual paranoid mad behaviour. When I told him to leave and do all that stuff that he has missed out on he says he doesn't want to. The guy is a mess.

sorry for long rant!

I feel sad for you spots. If someone doesn't want to get help they won't and you can't force them to. The big difference between your P and my DH is that he knew there was something not right, I just had to convince him that we couldn't fix it alone.
In my opinion ( I am not an expert) your P does need help and things will not get better until he does. All you can do is make the best decisions for you and your DS in the situation you find yourself in - a situation which is not your fault. In my opinion it should be enough for him that you think there is something wrong with the relationship even if he doesn't. he should want to make the relationship right for you not just him.
You need to decide now what your next course of action is and do it because if neither of you confront this it will keep getting worse.
Let us know how it goes.