Help me explain to DH about porn please

[ChrisBigginsFagHag]

Regular-ish poster here and whilst I often dishout out the advice I need some now.

My DH has a habit of looking at porn on the internet. I knew about this before I met him but the amount of time now is really getting to me.

And what gets to me more than anything is how it makes me feel because they are all gorgeous / skinny / pert tits / flat stomachs and no stretch marks.

I am overweight, middle-aged, had four kids and don't have a Brazillian.

So this is not about the porn it is about how it makes me feel shit.

How do I get that across to him because quite honestly this is destroying me.

TELL HIM how it makes you feel.
If he doesn't stop when he knows how much it's upsetting you, then he's a very selfish man.
Educate him about the porn industry too, tell him how the young women are having their bodies destroyed and how the men have to take viagra to be able to be so rough with the girls.

Do you have a good sex life with him? Is he more interested in porn than real sex?

Male point of view coming up...

It is obviously a problem if he is more interested in porn than real sex. For many men, however, porn is an "as well as" thing, not an "instead of" thing. I certainly don't compare my wife with the women who appear in porn.

If my wife decided to go and watch the Chippendales I would be surprised but it wouldn't worry me. I am middle aged, overweight and certainly don't have a sculpted body. It wouldn't make me feel bad about myself and I wouldn't view them as a threat.

I would agree that you need to talk to him about how it makes you feel. But perhaps you need to look a bit deeper. Why do you feel shit? Do you think he isn't attracted to you? Do you think he finds them more attractive than you? Does he need to find ways to reassure you that he wants you, not the fantasy women who appear in porn?

Bear in mind that your H is entitled to have a different opinion about porn than you have. You are not his owner. Working on your self-esteem for your own sake would be a better way to deal with this issue than basically telling him what he can and can't look at.

SGB yes you are right, I do not own him.

And I do have self esteem issues.

However it is not helped by the fact that for a good three / four hours a day (he is currently out of work) he does nothing but look at porn.

If I am out of the room, or out of the house he looks at it.

He downloads it, he comments on it. He is a member of christ knows what websites.

It is secretive and subversive IMO

Yes, I have issues but I would like him to pay me some attention. Not just his laptop.

Three-four hours a DAY? Christ, I don't blame you. I tend to agree with SGB's view on porn for the most part and do not like people telling their partners how to masturbate but that is a crazy addiction. It is an addiction though, so just telling won't be enough. he needs to recognise he has a problem. It must impact on family/couple time! How does he find the time? He does it when you pop out of the room? Does he bang on out in the middle of the day while you are putting the kettle on? I think he needs to vitis the GP to be honest. Scary.

It looks as though he's developed an addiction. Can you discuss this reasonably with him, or does he kick off when you question the amount of time & money he's spending on porn?

Just a thought. It may be that he has self esteem issues too. Many men find being out of work very difficult. They feel it undermines their worth as men and worry that their partner won't find them attractive any more. A retreat into porn may be his way of coping with that. He may even be pushing you away because he fears that you will reject him, so creating some distance is a kind of self defence mechanism - not a very good one as it makes rejection more likely, but humans aren't very logical.

I may be completely wide of the mark here, of course.

which sites is he a member of? does he spend lots of money on private web camming etc?

worrying if he's starting to spend so much time AND money on this

I think it's the fact that he knows it makes you feel like crap and yet carries on; that's the issue.

So many men break their wives/girlfriends' hearts over porn, and instead of saying, oh it's not worth it, I don't want to lose you,,, they just get defensive and justify it and carry on regardless. That total lack of concern or responsibility for your distress is what would make me begin to hate a partner that did this.

itsgrace no I can't discuss it, he doesn't 'get' it.

eric yep, a day. Sometimes more. And yes I think it does impact.

I don't know I might as well just give up and let him get on with it.

I don't own him, he can do what he wants, and he seems he is. He doesn't care about how much it upsets me.

It is not that he looks at it, hell I have done too but only for ten minutes once in awhile. And our sex life used to be great. But not anymore, well not to my mind anyway.

Its the volume of it and the secrecy that I find unnerving.

I've just read your posts again. My God, do you really want this man? The fact that you do proves you have low self-esteem alright. I'd kick him and his hard drive and his web cam out on the street and forget about him. He's making you feel crap. You would feel better about yourself and less lonely if you were properly single.

The is it infidelity argument could go round and round, but the bottom line is he's making you feel crap and what are you getting out of the 'relationship'???

If he was doing anything for four hours a day when he should be looking for a job it would be destructive , whether it was World of warcraft / farmville / porn.

The fact that he's willing to upset you so greatly by continuing to do it makes it a far bigger problem than him going google-eyed over porn every single day - he's really quite pathetic.

I'd password protect the pc or put a net bloody nanny on it, if he's depressed by being out of work he needs to get out and do something about it, not sit inside like a sad inadequate old perve.

the amount you are saying he watches it, now you've said it does change my original reaction to your original op.

Sounds as though he uses it way to much, esp if he is member of some sites and such. I though you were talking about a 10 minute look on yuoporn or something.

which sites op??

4 hours a day is a problem. He needs help. As others have said, looks like it is becoming an addiction as is encroaching on other things he should be doing.

No wonder you're annoyed. You need to talk to him and if he won't give it up then you need to think about what that means for the relationship.

What Mal said

What a pathetic individual he sounds

I would rapidly lose respect for a man like this...and seriously be questioning why I was with him at all

Even I think 4 hours a day is excessive, and I agree with Mal that spending 4 hours doing anything that is purely recreational is not really on for an adult.
However, there is also the possibility that he is depressed over being out of work and therefore using it as an escape (again, as some people would use Farmville/World of Warcraft or whatever). Before this started, what was he like as a partner? Was he kind, supportive, did he do his fair share of housework/childcare, did you have an equal input into decisions like who to socialise with/what food to buy - basically did he treat you as an equal, a person he loved and respected? If it's a good verdict on all that then the depression explanation is feasible - if, on the other hand, the relationship has always been a matter of you indulging him and putting him first then he's not going to change now and you might want to think seriously about whether you want to keep him in your life.

I have admitted many things on this forum - here's a new one For a couple of years, I was addicted to Second Life. The difference between your H and me is that I understood what was happening and kicked it into touch. I do still play, but only a couple of hours a week instead of [ahem] 8 hours a day. I put myself on a total game ban for two months, and made extra efforts to get out of the house & do real things in this life!

Tell him he's addicted; ask him to knock it off for a few months. If he won't, then you've got the same problem as anyone with an addicted partner - which is very sad. But you can't live like this forever.

Good luck.

I can easily spend 8 hours a day online , but it doesn't interfere with my daily life or my relationship, DH is off sick atm and between going for treatment he is either on his iphone, playing COD upstairs or annoying talking to me while I'm "bloody mumsnetting" , if he was suring for porn for the 3 hours I'm at work instead of cooking my tea, I'd be furious but if he happened to have a peek at redtube/whatever I would try and be understanding, he's checked out the picure of Kylie's bum in the paper and been overly impressed., having a peek now and then is different to being a regular consumer and relying on it for sexual stimulation imho.
I wouldn't think he was a "dirty perv" for checking a bit of porn out, but then I know that porn does little for him and it would merely be curiosity but if he was jumping on it from the minute I walked out of the door it would be a different matter.

Well, I suppose it's difficult for you to object to him looking at porn on principle as you knew he did this from the beginning and you did not challenge him about it then. However, 4 hours a day? How can anyone have 4 hours a day when they are supposed to be looking for a job and sharing housework / childcare?

Get him out of the house and looking for work, otherwise get him doing the housework and looking after the children. Does he look at porn while the children are around???

I would cut the plug of his laptop and send him to a Jobclub.

If you lost weight and got a brazilian would it make any difference?

If you looked like Megan Fox he'd probably still look at porn.

Don't take it personally, it's his problem not yours and 4 hours a day is a problem.

I have no problems with my dh accessing porn but if it was for 4 hours a day i might be flourishing the scissors by now!

he sounds very childish and immature.