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Original poster

What should I do - sexual problems with new partner

49 replies

halfawake · 09/05/2010 16:57

I have been seeing a new guy for 7 or 8 weeks and we get on pretty well.

Anyway, I was starting to wonder why it was taking him so long to make any kind of sexual move. He seemed happy with just kissing but that isn't enough for me...

On Friday night we went back to his place for the first time (usually we stick to bars, restaurants... he has never been to my flat either) and we had sex... or TRIED to

Foreplay felt so soooo awkward... he didn't seem to know what to do and couldn't really do anything without "prompting". Sorry if TMI but he didn't even put a finger in for ages but was just sort of stroking around with his finger outside but not on the clitoris either :S

When we tried to have sex he was only half hard the whole time but didn't seem to realise that meant that he wouldn't be able to penetrate me... the whole end of the condom was flopping around loose because he wasn't hard enough to fill it normally and he was desperately trying to stuff this whole floppy mess inside me.

I put it down to him being too drunk but tried again the next morning/afternoon and it was similar.

I haven't a clue what to say to him or what is wrong. The whole thing made me feel bad and somehow "undesireable" as he did not manage to have sex with me and didn't show a huge amount of interest in touching me and making the experience nice for me.

He seemed very inexperienced, but he is 33 and I am 23! He has maybe had less partners than me but I don't know what to think!

How should I deal with this???

OP posts:
queenclarion · 09/05/2010 17:03

Sounds like he is in need of some "education". Which is fine (and fun) if he is willing to admit it, but if he is not willing to admit it, then I would end it.

HelenRosie · 09/05/2010 17:05

If he doesn't know what he's doing by the age of 33 I would get rid personally.

queenclarion · 09/05/2010 17:06

oh, I read that YOU were 33, but I see that it is him who is 33. Whoops!

babiole · 09/05/2010 17:14

The last thing you should do is start thinking that this is in anyway down to you not being attractive, or him not fancying you. I know when I was your age thats what I would do but age does have its benefits because the problem can be pout down to one word..........NERVES

You must have been excited, anxious, nervous as this was your first time. Well so was he! The first time we sleep with someone we worry we will not be good enough, will he like the things I used to do with my ex, a man has all the same anxieties, the most worrying thing being 'will I get it up?' The problem is nerves, and alcohol are a heady mix and after one failed attempt the anxiety becomes all the more heightened and its not surprising the afternoon attempt failed too!!

You need to step back and relax about this. If this relationship has any mileage this will sort itself, but you need to not rush into another attempt as it will be doomed. Take some time, let this happen naturally, go with the flow. In time you will both laugh at how awkward you both were!

Stressing out is the last thing you should do because it will make things worse, as it is he is probably very embarrassed and surfing the net for some answers!!!

HelenRosie · 09/05/2010 17:23

Not getting it up is not so much of an issue, that can happen to all guys when they are nervous. It's the fact that he didn't have any idea how to pleasure you that's the problem.

Original poster
halfawake · 09/05/2010 17:44

Yes I think I will definitely leave it a while before trying again with him!

He wants to go away somewhere on Thursday since we both have a day off, but I have to work again on Friday so we won't stay the night anywhere and don't think we'll get the chance to get up to anything.

After this I was even thinking twice about whether I should go away with him at all... maybe it sounds awful but IMO sex is a normal and important part of a relationship and if we are not compatible in bed then I don't know if I should even continue this at all. Don't want to hurt him but I don't want to continue having bad sex like that!

Was also a bit irritated to see that he had some page 3 style calender in his bedroom and another one in the bathroom adding to the paranoia of whether he fancies me or not, or can only get off to pictures of plastic tits FWIW I am not bad looking but am small and have curly dark hair so am basically the opposite of these girls on his stupid calender.

OP posts:
dittany · 09/05/2010 17:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fizzfiend · 09/05/2010 17:53

I agree with Dittany. When I first slept with bf, he couldn't get it up because of alcohol but he did an amazing job of satisfying me...he knew exactly what to do.

This is going to be a big issue...at 33 he should know what to do...or he's just crap in bed and only gets off to porn.

Maybe give him another couple of chances...put yourself wholeheartedly into it...it may be different, but I suspect not.

Sorry, but this is important to me...as I'm getting divorced from a lovely kind man who is pretty much asexual...not good.

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/05/2010 17:56

I should namechange for this, perhaps, but did you engage in activity to stimulate him beforehand?

If my "whateverheis" wasn't hard just thinking about sex with me I'd be extremely offended (no pressure there then ) but some men take a little more encouragement...

Trikken · 09/05/2010 17:58

I agree with babiole with the nerves playing a big part.

Think a lot of men have these calendars, but most men appreciate most real women aren't really like this.

Original poster
halfawake · 09/05/2010 18:03

BelleDame, yes, started with hand and blowjob and him going down on me beforehand so it wasn't just straight onto sex from nothing!

OP posts:
HelenRosie · 09/05/2010 18:06

If he's good at oral I'd keep seeing him, if not I'd dump him.

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/05/2010 18:13

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Original poster
halfawake · 09/05/2010 18:14

Lol!

No, he wasn't really good at it but it was alright and at least he had a go!

OP posts:
Original poster
halfawake · 09/05/2010 18:16

Calendars definitely his as he lives alone.

Suppose I will have to ask him as it probably won't get better by itself.. but if I do go out for the day with him on Thursday I don't want to make the day really awkward if he is offended or embarrassed by me bringing it up :S

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 09/05/2010 18:17

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RumourOfAHurricane · 09/05/2010 18:19

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overmydeadbody · 09/05/2010 18:28

Oh God you poor thing.

He's a virgin.

Original poster
halfawake · 09/05/2010 18:29

A friend has invited me to a girls wine evening at her place on the Thursday and tbh I would rather go to that than have an awkward trip with this guy... maybe I should see if we can meet on Wednesday and try to raise the subject, and then stick to somewhere close for Thursday so I am not miles away and cringing if he gets funny about it and then I can also get back for my mate's wine thing, hmm.

I should probably just dump him but I always feel guilty in these situations - a few times I dumped guys at uni etc who were nice but just not right for me... and they always cry every bloody time and make me feel like a cow for doing it!!!

OP posts:
HelenRosie · 09/05/2010 18:32

Dumping him now after 8 weeks is much better all round than continuing to put up with crap sex for a few months and then dumping him.

beanlet · 09/05/2010 18:33

I think overmydeadbody might have something there -- is it possible he is, in fact, a virgin? If he's that clueless?

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/05/2010 18:33

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motherlovebone · 09/05/2010 18:34

dont stay with him because you feel sorry for him.

there have been posters on here who have been stuck in marriages with sex like you describe for decades!

and the porn calendars thing...wanker!

dump him, make him cry, be a cow

be true to you.

HelenRosie · 09/05/2010 18:36

I once dated a 33yo old virgin so it is a possibility. The odd thing is that he had a girlfriend for 7 years who wouldn't let him fuck her as she said his cock was too big. It really wasn't - it was average. I felt sorry for the guy but ultimately felt he needed a sex therapist rather than a girlfriend.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2010 18:38

Oh heck...it sounds like more than first shag nerves

He sounds crap at pleasing you, soft willy or no soft willy

You had already given him a BJ and he seemed pretty uninterested in making sure you were taken care of sexually ?

Dump and move on