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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do - sexual problems with new partner

49 replies

halfawake · 09/05/2010 16:57

I have been seeing a new guy for 7 or 8 weeks and we get on pretty well.

Anyway, I was starting to wonder why it was taking him so long to make any kind of sexual move. He seemed happy with just kissing but that isn't enough for me...

On Friday night we went back to his place for the first time (usually we stick to bars, restaurants... he has never been to my flat either) and we had sex... or TRIED to

Foreplay felt so soooo awkward... he didn't seem to know what to do and couldn't really do anything without "prompting". Sorry if TMI but he didn't even put a finger in for ages but was just sort of stroking around with his finger outside but not on the clitoris either :S

When we tried to have sex he was only half hard the whole time but didn't seem to realise that meant that he wouldn't be able to penetrate me... the whole end of the condom was flopping around loose because he wasn't hard enough to fill it normally and he was desperately trying to stuff this whole floppy mess inside me.

I put it down to him being too drunk but tried again the next morning/afternoon and it was similar.

I haven't a clue what to say to him or what is wrong. The whole thing made me feel bad and somehow "undesireable" as he did not manage to have sex with me and didn't show a huge amount of interest in touching me and making the experience nice for me.

He seemed very inexperienced, but he is 33 and I am 23! He has maybe had less partners than me but I don't know what to think!

How should I deal with this???

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/05/2010 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MNHubbie · 09/05/2010 18:58

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!

It does sound like he is a virgin TBH and the calendars to seem symptomatic of that (the sort of thing lads do after looooooong periods of loneliness).

There really is only 2 choices IMHO as a bloke and it is down to you and how he reacts.

Decide on if he is worth keeping or at least trying with:

a) If not then dump him and it is up to you if you tell him why. If he is a virgin (or was you naughty cherry stealer you) then perhaps a gentle word or two would be nice but making it clear you aren't having any more to do with him.

b) If he is then you have to tell him. If he is deluded enough to think he was pleasuring you despite being at half mast then your job will be harder (no pun intended) but he must surely know if for no other reason than the sex was nothing like it looked in the porn vids he probably watches (FFS most of them now-a-days show clitoral stimulation and a reasonable facsimile of at least a hunt for the G-spot plus the blokes are generally hard). You'll have to be gentle but make it a positive thing and despite the fact your BJs and HJs are probably perfectly wonderful be diplomatic and make it a tit for tat thing where you show/tell him one thing to improve sex and then he does one...

...if he is a pratt about it or insulting then I'd go with the girls and say give him a detailed account of how crap he is in the sure and certain knowledge that like a sticky plaster being removed fast it'll hurt, he'll hate you for it but it'll be better for him in the long run.

When DW and I first got together I was 19 and she was 29. I had only limited experience but was desperate to learn and she was not long out of a very shitty marriage where she didn't get much pleasure so whilst she'd started to find herself a lot of the fun we had was discovering what each other liked for ourselves experimenting as neither of us knew for sure.

AhLaVache · 09/05/2010 18:58

Eeek...yes as others have said the floppiness is possibly not a big deal, nerves etc but being so clueless about how to get you going is pretty unappealing.

The calendars make him sound a bit of a sad twat too. Though I wouldn't be asking him to get rid of them...even if all the other stuff sorted itself out then he would still be a 33yo man who liked having page 3 calendars on his walls, taking them down cos you asked him to doesn't change that.

You've seen who he is, the decision is yours as to whther or not you wnat him.

Rainbowj63 · 10/05/2010 05:30

Definitely think hes a virgin... and dont think thats a reason to dump him but you obviously dont really have much connection with him so id get rid and not beat yourself up over it.

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/05/2010 06:54

I feel for you. My ex was crap in bed, but he did actually tell me, he had only had sex once before, i gave it a go for a couple of months, he would say 'i was his teacher'
what a put off! this man did not have a CLUE!
Like your's, he had porn etc... but he could get it up, just didnt have a clue how to use it, i am actually cringing writing this.

Get rid and tell him why.

beanlet · 10/05/2010 15:12

This is one of the reasons I've long had a thing for older men. . .

TakeLovingChances · 11/05/2010 11:04

My advice is, give him the benefit of the doubt and let him try again once or twice.

Don't confront him about it, don't say, "you're crap in bed" before you at least attempt it again. Saying that to him would make him even more nervous, scare him and negate your chances of ever getting to sleep with him!

Good luck!

Original poster

halfawake · 11/05/2010 21:16

@beanlet, he is ten years older than me, which is one reason why I would never have expected him to be so inexperienced! He is a lot shyer than me in general though I guess.

@TLC I wouldn't be cruel enough to tell him how rubbish he is, even if I have just said it to strangers on the internet!!

Thanks everyone for your comments... meeting him tomorrow so maybe will give it another go... or just have a few drinks and forget about it and try not to stress him out ;)

OP posts:

MNHubbie · 11/05/2010 23:14

Good luck!

PotPourri · 11/05/2010 23:19

Def a virgin imho. So lots of potential for improvement, but you need to talk to him openly about things. He is probably dying because he will know he messed up, but won't know if you are willing to help him learn.

monsterkeeper · 15/05/2010 12:30

he's gay.he just doesn't know it yet!!

ItsGraceAgain · 15/05/2010 17:55

I've known 35-year-old male virgins. The prospect of 'educating' a virgin terrifies me but my firnds were very happy when they found the right woman! If you like him enough to try & develop your relationship, you are going to have to get a "how was it for you? (Here's how it was for me)" discussion going. If nothing else, his responses will probably tell you what you need to know about his attitudes to sex and women in general.

If you're lucky, the conversation itself might get his mind/willy connection working properly

ItsGraceAgain · 15/05/2010 17:57

"firnds" - sound like a mutant houseplant. Friends, obviously!

Original poster

halfawake · 15/05/2010 23:46

Seeing as my thread is back on the first page I'll give a little update... ;) We had another try last night and it has improved.

PMSL at whoever said he was probably also looking up advice on the internet as I was posting this... because I think he must have done! He had a much better idea of what to do this time and I also gave a few more hints so all the foreplay stuff was pretty good this time.

As for actual sex... he told me what the problem is and it's apparently that he doesn't like condoms and loses his hard on when he has to put one on

OP posts:

Original poster

halfawake · 15/05/2010 23:51

Oh and I also mentioned that I didn't really appreciate his calenders!

OP posts:

andreaaa · 17/05/2010 10:02

and did he make you err "peak" this time Half Awake? Lots of men go softer when they put on the old condom. Did it fit him? Was it a bit tight? Is he above normal in the endowment stakes?
x

ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 17/05/2010 10:07

I agree with the others, you took his virginity OP! That wouldn't bother me, tbh, unless he doesn't have the maturity to be honest about it and discuss it with you.

Malificence · 17/05/2010 10:12

You can get condoms with built in cock rings., that should solve his little problem.

glastocat · 17/05/2010 10:17

Yep, sounds like a virgin to me. TBH I'd run a mile if I were you.

andreaaa · 17/05/2010 10:21

why are virgins so scary?

SolidGoldBrass · 17/05/2010 10:23

How is his attitude to you and to sex ingeneral? Does he listen to what you say, treat you with respect, share decision making (in things like where to go and eat/what film to see)? In the bedroom, particularly on the disastrous first night, did he seem anxious and awkward or was he quite brash about it?
FWIW condoms do make some men go soft, but the answer is to make putting the condom on part of the fun rather than a rapid fumble before entry.

glastocat · 17/05/2010 10:24

They'renot scarey, it just wouldn't float my boat at all. I'm sure some people would like it though.

andreaaa · 17/05/2010 10:32

But how long "before entry" would you put it on? I have always been a last minute sort of girl with regard to that part of the action....on, in, and go for it!

andreaaa · 17/05/2010 14:35

possibly too much info, I know!

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