ok, have read and will tell you what happened to me
have namechanged for this
3 years ago when our dd (dc2) was about 4/5 months old, I discovered dh had been swapping sexual emails with a former workmate/girl he had dated (but apparently had never had sex with)
I found this out after we'd had the first weekend away in a long time, and had actually had an amazing time reconnecting with each other as a couple and not as parents. We'd had fabulous sex, been very close, romantic etc and I was feeling happy about 'us'. We'd been married for 4 years a this point, together for 7
Anyway, he left his email open by mistake and I went to go and check my own email, and saw this message which included a porno picture of 2 females, and a message from him to former workmate discussing how he'd like to see her like that, etc etc etc blah blah fucking pathetic blah
further fast digging uncovered a number of other emails beween them all of the same nature
she was also married btw
I went fucking ballistic, he couldn't explain himself, and I immediatley said 'we're over', and I truly wanted to kill him. The hurt I fel was actually physical
He was clearly genuinely devastated and spent a long long time talking to me, apologising, crying, ashamed, mortified, horrified at the outcome of his behaviour..it made me think he actually stupidly had no idea the damage he would cause us if and when I found out
I was honestly beyond devastated - I mean we weren't perfect by any means but I thought we were solid, I thought I could TRUST him, and discovering I couldn't was just awful.
Like Andy said - I asked him the most excrutiating questions which I believe he answered me honestly but I still have his lingering doubt that I don't know EVERYTHING that went on (he swears blind I do)
We stayed together but it has never been forgotten, and still makes me upset thinking about it now,
You are dealing with something that has been going on for YEARS, not months like me. Your dh has fooled himself into believing that wha he is doing/has been doing is not cheating because it wasn't physical (you need to find out if this is true) but he did not reckon on the hurt this emotional affair would cause.
Your outcome depends on what you fundamentally want - can you picture being with him forever more, can he regain your trus, will the anger eat you up or do you think you will get pas this to the point you don't resent him and his disloyalty? I think counselling could help you - I'm assuming he'd agree to that? (I know my previously anti-counselling dh was willing to do it to save 'us').
I understand when AF and others say it would be a dealbreaker - for me it very nearly was but we stuck through it and are really fine now.
Also, he cut off contact from her (obv) and I sent her a strongly worded email telling her to stay the fuck away while I decided whether to kick him out or not (not my finest hour, I admit)
Whatever you decide, you have to be able to deal with your choice, if that makes sense.
Hope you're ok.