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Original poster

Boring myself with the predictablity of this...

70 replies

GoodGolly · 09/05/2010 15:17

Been with DH for 10 years. Two children. Very happily married.

Discovered last week while innocently (promise!) looking on his computer (which I had mistaken for mine - we both have the same laptop) a photo of a young woman in a bikini, open on his desktop. Did a search and came back with a dozen or so emails between him and this woman, spanning back to when DH and I were first together (there were obviously others he had deleted, referred to in the emails he hadn't bothered to get rid of). Some were sexually explicit, all incredibly flirtatious. The last one was sent a few days ago. It seems he had a one night stand with her 11 years ago (before we met) while on holiday in the country she comes from, and that they have kept up a sporadic but definitely sexual email contact ever since.

Confronted him and he swears he has not seen her since - I think I believe him, as she lives hundreds of miles away and there were no references to meeting up in their emails - and that it was a one night stand and the emails were 'stupid fantasy'. He is obviously mortified and doing the whole 'you are my life, I love you, what can i do to make this up to you' thing.

I feel sick. I thought we had such a good, fair, trusting relationship, with no bullshit. How can you get someone so wrong? And I just cannot understand why he would do this - keep up cheap, dirty emails with a woman he shagged once on holiday 11 years ago. He has completely shattered my trust in him, as now I am wondering if I know him at all.

What the fuck should I do?

OP posts:
Chandra · 09/05/2010 20:19

TBH I don't think he is serious about her, if he was he would have been seeing her during all this time, I guess it could be just stupid, but equally unacceptable, flirting.

As some other people say, 10 years in a happy relationship with children is too much to throw away for a woman he has not seen in so many years.

Obviously, you need to work together in trying to recover at least some of the trust, but to be honest.... ending for just this is ridiculous, yes is BAD, but there would be worse things that you may encounter in your life as a single mother of 2 children, IMHO it is easier and less painful to sort this problem than the multitude that will come around if you leave. (And I'm just saying this because YOU said it was a happy relationship of 10 years, so maybe it needs a second chance, if this was the last straw in a bad one I would be advising you to leave)

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 20:23

As a single mother of 5 childrn I can honestly say I have never come across anything as bad as how this would make me feel chandra......... An ultimate betrayal

he hasn't seen the woman as she lives in former USSR so a bit difficult. Had she been in same country then a different scenario

Magaly · 09/05/2010 20:26

I disagree Chandra. As a single mother of two children, nobody has the power to make me feel bad about myself, or inadequate. I never feel rejected, I never feel I'm not good enough. I never have to compare myself to anybody.... Sometimes it is very lonely and demoralising to be IN a marriage. I am shocked by the suggestion that enduring an unfaithful disrespectful husband could not possibly compare with the real awfulness of being a single mother of two children.

I didn't say that the OP should leave her husband. I said that her default starting position before she's even got to the bottom of this, talked, sorted it out etc should not be a definite "I will not leave him".

Chandra · 09/05/2010 20:36

Ultimate betrayal? gosh... honestly, there are far worse kinds of betrayal than internet flirting in what has been, according to the OP, a happy relationship.

I know people who have paseds through similar and came stronger out of it. I do also know people who had gone through affairs and still I don't understand why they decided to remain together.

I'm not telling her to "stay", I'm telling her not to give up on everything without trying. Getting to the no-way-forward position took me some time, I don't think it's a decision that should be taken while your mind is overtaken by emotion, but when you can think clearly and plan the best way forward for you and your children.

Chandra · 09/05/2010 20:37

"I didn't say that the OP should leave her husband. I said that her default starting position before she's even got to the bottom of this, talked, sorted it out etc should not be a definite "I will not leave him"."

Magaly, in that we agree

Original poster
GoodGolly · 09/05/2010 20:39

Thanks for all the different perspectives, ladies.

I don't feel rejected, unattractive, inadequate etc. I just feel incredibly upset that he is so weak and stupid. I thought he was better than that.

Also, I have told him that if it weren't for the kids I would be out of the door. Which is true. God, this is bad, isn't it?

OP posts:
Magaly · 09/05/2010 20:39

it's not just internet flirting with some anonymous on line sprite. It's a real person who he met. And for 11 years he has remained in a flirty kind of contact with her.

It's not great. I'd say there were other women too tbh.

Magaly · 09/05/2010 20:40

Yes, part of the problem is not what he has done but that you have lost respect for him.

Magaly · 09/05/2010 20:41

if you see what I mean. I put emphasis on the wrong words!

Chandra · 09/05/2010 20:43

Yes is bad, but is understandable that you feel as you feel.

You will feel angry and annoyed for some time, it is normal, not unreasonable. But please don't take any life changing decisions until the emotion stops ruling your brain. Then, if you want to go, go.

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/05/2010 20:44

I think you need a bit more time to "process" your feelings on this before you make any decisions. And you need to do that in peace. Could he, perhaps, go away for a few days to give you some room to think about how you feel and what you want?

Original poster
GoodGolly · 09/05/2010 20:47

I wish@Belle. We have a child with SN who is currently having an incredibly difficult time at school. I am studying full time and have health problems at the moment, so really under the cosh. I don't know how I would cope without the practical support from him

Sorry, not being self-pitying. I don't really do self pity

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 09/05/2010 20:58

Bloody hell! So this is all you need...

No wonder you sound so wearied by it (if that makes sense). Silly, silly man. You don't really have much choice in the short term, I'd guess.

I think AF was right when she said that you probably need to get to the bottom of why he kept this going and kept it secret. Although, tbh, I'm not sure I'd want to talk to him much at the moment.

I'm not the best person to give advice on this kind of thing as I'm a complete idiot in my "relationship" but I do know that finding secrets is soul destroying. x

AnyFucker · 09/05/2010 21:20

OK...you asked what conditions I would insist on...

  1. counselling for him to find out why he felt the need to have his ego constantly stroked by this inappropriate emotional affair...then he shares all this with you...followed up by couples counselling if you feel the need

  2. all emails/text communication to be completely transparent to you for a time specified by yourself (at least 6 months, IMO)

  3. all online billing to be ditto (I am thinking other phones/accounts here, sorry)

  4. any blaming, justifying, rationalising is challenged by you and him and the cold light of day shone on it (WWIFN is better at articulating this than I am)...in other words, if he is trying to excuse his behaviour by saying you play some part...he leaves right now

  5. he has to understand you have made the decision to give him a chance and that if he fucks up again, it is over

If I am completely honest, I would be making a more significant statement, by making him leave until I was satisfied But you are saying you are physically and emotionally dependant on him.

In the medium term, I would be taking steps to make sure I was never in that position again. Real life counselling, support from friends/family/agencies etc.

At the moment it seems you are trapped into forgiving him. Think about that...and think about how much of a reason he has to not repeat this behaviour. Not much really...if you are already at the standpoint of "not throwing away 10 years of marriage"

He has moved the goalposts, not you

He has to win back your trust...it is not your responsibilty to "get over it"

Eurostar · 09/05/2010 23:30

Am wondering why she stayed in touch for all of this time? What has she been getting out of it? What did he write to her? So she got a bit of business out of him buying tickets from her agency...did he help her out at all financially, did he make any promises? Does he like to picture himself as a bit of a rescuer?

LeQueen · 10/05/2010 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladyscratt · 10/05/2010 17:16

To my mind thats 10 years of lying to you, can you really trust someone who has lied like that to you?? I couldn't, he has no respect for you and has blatantly lied, no support during the times when you have needed him ie PND etc..

Sorry I would have walked kids or no kids.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 18:24

LeQ...I actually think that would be the bottom line for me too

What a pathetic pillock...I wouldn't want to be married to one, frankly

Ladyscratt · 10/05/2010 18:34

10 years of living a lie and he has wasted her life by doing that to her. She could have discovered sooner what he was up to and moved on with someone who would show her some respect. My god! taking 10 years of someones life and deceiving them like that is possibly the worst thing you can do to someone.

I would be furious and def not going to try and make it work.

That sort of deception takes some doing.

dittany · 10/05/2010 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladyscratt · 10/05/2010 19:03

For once I agree with Dit here, you don't just have computer talk for 11 years with someone like that, do you have proof that he has gone away with these friends?

annh · 10/05/2010 19:14

read the whole thread and was just about to post but read Dittany's message and she said exactly what I was going to day. You have absolutely no idea that he hasn't seen her over the past 11 years, she has organised football trips (to where?) for him and she works for a travel agency so it would be the easiest thing in the world for her to travel and meet him on these trips. He also travels for work, has she been meeting him on business trips as well?

If he has been in touch with her for all this time, he probably knows her mobile number by heart, he will certainly know her email address by now so you cannot know that they are not still in touch.

I'm sorry but I think there is much more to this than a one-night stand.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 19:17

OP...where are you ? Are you Ok ?

Ladyscratt · 10/05/2010 20:45

I don't think these other things may have occured to her AF. TBH I reckon the poor woman in too traumatised to think straight right now, I know I would be.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 20:46

me too, AS

what a fucking bombshell