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Original poster

Need advice please about what happens when DS is with XP

31 replies

AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:20

I have namechanged as I know he knows my MN address.

I am felling very angry and helpless.

How much can I know about what happens when my son is with his Dad?

XP is being very very difficult, a complete tosser in fact. A long back story, some posted on here under my regular posting name.

I had to give him travel money so he could come to collect and return DS.
I won't be doing that again.

Anyway, he now says that he's getting a lift but won't tell me whose car it is and what sort of car seat. He is playing power games and tells me it's none of my business.

I may seem controlling to you but my XP is not above using DS as a tool to hurt me.

Am I entitled to know whose car etc he's in when he's not with me?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/05/2010 12:24

no I'm sorry I'm not sure that you do (have the right to know whose car he's in)unless you have reason to beleive it is a paedophile/convicted felon. How reasonable do you think it would be if your XP asked you to inform him who your Ds is with at all times when he's with you?

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:24

Oh no, it's got worse. He's now saying I have to come and collect him when he knows that I gave him my last money for his travel. I should be getting some more tomorrow, fridge full etc so no worries there.

DS is supposed to be on his 3rd settling in at nursery tomorrow and it's really important he goes as he gets a funded place due to me having NHS treatment. The aim was for me to be able to leave him at nursery on tues morning so I could attend my appointment. I already missed last week's due to settling him in. XP won't take DS to nursery tomorrow.

What can I do? I want my son back

OP posts:
Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:26

Thank you for your reply Kewcumber.

I's sitting here in tears feeling so helpless and I've just had a barrage of abuse from him.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/05/2010 12:27

"He is playing power games and tells me it's none of my business." and you are feeding his power games by particupating in them.

Have you tried just saying to him once. "I trust that you love DS enough to make sure he is safe in a proper car seat" then leave him to it.

booyhoo · 09/05/2010 12:29

AAAGGH have you arranged the contact through a solicitor?

if it were me i would talk to your solicitor and get some things agreed in writing. things like;

XP must pick up and drop ds off at agreed time

XP must pay for and arrange his own transport

XP must agree to using a certified child safety seat when transporting ds.

and anything else that you think he might try and mess you about on.

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:32

Yes, I agree kewcumber. I am guilty of feeding into them. I have mental health condition where I get easily overwhelmed, amongst other things. I am trying very hard to not get caught up in these games. Sometimes I succeed , sometime I don't.

What am I supposed to do about getting DS home though? I did not anticipate this situation at all.

Stuid stupid me

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 12:33

anyone to give you a lift to collect him?

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:33

Not a solicitor yet. Break happened last week when I caught him out on a dating website. I will be making enquiries about seeing one tomorrow though, without fail.

OP posts:
Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:35

No, I don't know anyone with a car and I don't have a car seat anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:36

What is pissing me off that I paid for Xp's travel with DS and now I'm in a situation with no money and no DS being returned.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 09/05/2010 12:37

is he refusing to bring your son back to you?

if there is no way of you getting there i would ring your local police station and tell them that what you have told us, they will be able to either advise you or go and have a chat with your ex.

Kewcumber · 09/05/2010 12:38

well in th eabsence of money or access to a car then you will have to tell XP to keep him until he has the money to return him. Is it very likely that he will want to keep him? Can you appeal to his parents and explain about the nursery place - perhaps they might help?

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:38

this is what he's just said to me on msn

come and collect him when you are ready
and bring my stuff with you

OP posts:
booyhoo · 09/05/2010 12:39

definitely see a solicitor. tonight, sit down and write down anything you want to get in writing and also anything you need to ask solicitor and bring that with you when you go.

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:39

And I have no fucking credit on my phone. God I hate having no money. Had a great jobm then got made redundant, now on sick benfit due to PND.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 09/05/2010 12:40

have you got any neighbours taht would be able to take you for him?

and dont bring his stuff, if he wants it he can come and get it.

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:42

Have no neighbours I could ask, inner city area, east End location. Trying to find DD's phone charger as there is credit but no battery on her phone
.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 12:43

police may or may not help here..they could check on your ds to see if he's ok if you have concerns,and could maybe persuade ex to return him.....you'd need some concerns tho

does he have pr??

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:44

yes, as DS is 2 and XP is on birth certificate

OP posts:
msboogie · 09/05/2010 12:46

would he want to keep your DS overnight?

tell him to bring him back as he took your money and you will call the police if he doesn't.

don't pay him to collect his child again or deprive you and your child of money so that he can play power games. What kind of a pathetic excuse for a man has to be given the last penny out of a woman's purse in order to be able to trael to pick up his child? Useless specimen.

You are going to have to toughen up or he will make your life a misery.

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 12:46

ok....so no court order,he has PR,so nothing anyone can do here....he has equal rights.

legal aid family solicitor will help

Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:53

ok, thank you, I reckon he will bring him back as essentially he is very lazy and DS is "too much work" for him.

Actually, the other reason I finshed it was that he had disclosed that he has memories of sexually abuising his much younger sisters when he was younger (approx 12/13). Now his sisters have denied all knowledge and memories about this but I'm still very uncomfortable about it all.

The problem is that if I mentioned it to anyone both him and his sisters would deny it, making me look like a spiteful, evil person. What can I do>

Do I think he's a danger to our DS? NO.

OP posts:
Original poster
AAAGGH · 09/05/2010 12:55

sorry for all the typos. I actually have an A inmy English Lang A level. Not that you can tell from my posts

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 12:58

this disclosure from him......how well timed was it? was it via email,text?

Kewcumber · 09/05/2010 12:58

I would be tempted to call his bluff and tell him you have no money you have given it all to him so to return him when he can, that you will not be picking him up.

Call nursery and explain I expect they will be very sympathetic.

Easier said than done I know.