I am completely unable to express anger

[javotte]

Hello.
I hope someone can help me express my feelings towards my parents.
They often tell me that, even when I was a baby, they only had to look at me with an angry face to make me burst into tears. They see this as a good thing, but it means that for as far as I can remember, I have been unable to say no to them or tell them when I am angry at them.
On the rare occasions when I expressed disapproval (in my early teens), they called me "hysterical". I have been bottling up my feelings ever since.
They were obsessed with my weight at the time (I was normal then, I am now a siez 22 thanks to binge eating disorder), but I have never told them how much it hurt (and still hurts).
Now the criticisms are directed towards the way I bring up my children. Sometimes I would like to scream, I just don't know how to tell them.
I don't want you to think they were abusive parents. I had a happy childhood and they love me, but since I don't tell them when something hurts me, my anger accumulates and I cannot let it out.
Any advice? Thanks.

It's not anger you're wanting to express, it's your feelings. The anger arises from you bottling up your feelings, your hurt has turned to anger and the inability to let it out at the time.

To deal with this I would suggest that when they next criticise you, you respond to them firmly but calmly.

Because this has become a pattern with your feelings, you may benefit from speaking to a counsellor to learn how to deal with your feelings and express yourself.

Thanks Karmann. This is what I think all the time : next time they say something, I'll be an adult and ask them to stop (without crying).
But when the moment comes, I just can't, so I make a forced smile and try to talk about something else.
Do you know if there is some sort of counselling on the internet or by telephone? I am a SAHM in a small, remote village and I don't drive.

I don't know about counselling by internet or phone but am sure this kind of thing exists. Maybe you could google it.

Would it be so bad if you did cry do you think? Trouble is, if you never tell them how you really feel they don't know that they upset you so the circle will go on.

Making a forced smile and changing the subject every time is adding to the resentment you already have. Bottling it up builds it up.

You seem to be anticipating the next time which I think is making your feelings worse. Try to stop thinking about it and you may then be more prepared to actually say something the next time, if you haven't wound yourself up in advance. I hope that makes sense!

Maybe you should look at the Stately Homes thread on here.

Your gp can arrange counselling. If it's hard to talk....write it down and show your doctor...or print your post from here.

Recognising a problem is in itself the beginning of healing.

Or how about a book/dvd/mp3 download on assertiveness...controlling relationships...bullies? You could order on Amazon and absorb at your leisure. Am not sure which one you should buy but you could start a new thread asking for recommendations. (I wouldn't only go by Amazon's customer reviews)

I am sure your parents love you but it seems they have got away with controlling you all your life. It is now time to stop them and you can do that. The Stately Homes thread might be quite enlightening.

You have already taken the first step - coming on here.

Next you need some clarity about what you are feeling....you need to really really really understand that you have rights.

Just for starters: Say out loud: ()

I have a right to my feelings.

I have a right to have those feelings validated.

I have a right to express my anger/sadness/confusion.

I have a right to be spoken to with respect and kindness.

I have a right to tell people to stop criticising my parenting.

Good luck.

I'd recommend the Stately Homes threads too.

You are definitely having anger, but you're eating it (been there, done that, got the t-shirt) - you'll get through it - I'm BRILLIANT at telling people to fuck off these days. I've lost a load of weight too!

I think you might ocme one dayt revise your opinion that they are not abusive...it cetainly sounds like there was something bad going on ..

javotte

I would also urge you to read and perhaps even write on the "Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I think you would receive good counsel there too along with the good advice that you have already received.

I think you are starting the process of a very long and harsh painful realisation as to what exactly your parents did to you (and are still doing). This process often happens when children now adults become parents themselves. I also think you will one day revise your idea that these people were not abusive (another painful realisation for you). For what its worth I think they were and still are abusive.

Setting a clear boundary between you and your parents would be an excellent idea, take some power back.

You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as it could be a good starting point for you. Another one to read is "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

I used to cry when I got angry - it mortified me, but in fact almost every time I got angry I would cry. Even at work - horrendous!! I emphasise with your situation enormously.

For me it was also to do with family relationships, feeling like I could never be angry, which ended up by the time I was about 13 onwards, feeling like I couldn't express any emotion in front of family & friends without feeling mortified/embarassed/ashamed - of MY OWN FUCKING FEELINGS!!! what a dreadful state.

Not surpisingly I also have emotional eating/ weight issues.

What helped me was working with a psychotherapist over the course of about a year - £45 per week but worth every penny (I was 32, single, & felt like I was going to stay that way unless I invested some time in resolving in these issues). I won't say I was 'cured' completely but it helped tremendously, as did having my daughter & becoming a Mum. I can't recall the last time I cried at work now - several years. I no longer feel stuck in an emotional timewarp.

OH & I had a row last weekend. DD was putting on some tears to work her way with him, and I commented as such. He then told her to come & apologise to me for crying. I KICKED OFF! It took him a while to understand that DD should never have to apologise for expressing any feelings, or for ever crying, however he did need to learn the difference between real tears & tears to get Daddy (she knows it doesn't work on me) to do what she wants. I'm very aware I don't want to pass my family shit behaviour onto DD.

You can face these issues - but in my experience you may well benefit from some professional help.

Thank you very much for your answers. It helps me a lot to know I'm not the only one with repressed feelings / emotional eating issues!
I had a look at the Stately Homes thread and I still don't think my parents are abusive. They don't mean to hurt me, but I think they have never had a clue how to deal with a daughter.
Downdog, reading that you don't cry at work any more gives me a lot of hope.
I spent a year abroad at university and being away from my parents helped me so much. I lost 70 pounds and oozed self-confidence. When I came back home their reaction was somehow unhealthy. On the one hand they were proud of me "for the first time" because I was thin (my Dad asked for photos of me for the first time in his life to send to his colleagues - eew). But on the other hand I remember my mother hissing "Your eyes have changed" because I stood up for myself (and she couldn't stand people complimenting me rather than her).
Gosh, I do sound like I need professional help, don't I?
I'm taking the DCs to the park, I'll be back later.
Thank you very much again.

Hi Javotte, sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I think you are really perceptive to have realised that it would be more 'healthy' to be able to express your anger and other emotions.

I had my first appointment with a counsellor today- I went to see if she could help with relationship issues but she seemed fairly sure that my main 'issue' was supressing anger. So today has been an interesting one for me- I wish I had been able to see it for myself like you can.

I think posting on here about how you feel and facing up to the fact that you want to change things is a great first step. It sounds like other posters suggest you try the 'stately homes' thread- I hope it helps.

javotte,

Your Mother sounds extremely jealous of you; I don't think she could actually "cope" at all with having a daughter as she probably thought you were competing with her for male attention. Hence her actions towards you which continue to this day.

The fact too that you felt happier at Uni when you were away from them speaks volumes.

You cannot even express your very real anger and pain openly; they have taught you that your feelings and by turn you don't matter.

Their actions towards you as a child and now adult would have been enough to give anyone very real and complex emotional problems to deal with. I am not at all surprised you ended up with an eating disorder because they caused that to happen with their continuous comments about your appearance.
Theirs were and are not the actions of loving parents, these are all the actions of emotionally damaged and toxic people.

Their toxic behaviour is now being directed towards you in the way you are bringing your children up. Such problems you see can easily become generational in nature; don't let your children be affected by them as you clearly have. Build clear and firm boundaries between you and them.

What does your H think about them?.

It is okay to limit contact, infact I don't think I would want them in my life in any shape or form but that is easy to write and hard to do.

What you want from them - an apology for how they behave?. I tell you now, you won't get that or anything even close to it.

This is your Mother's issue and not yours to carry. It is NOT your fault she is like this and she could well have an untreated personality disorder. They both could. That is NOT an excuse for their behaviour in any way shape or form, their actions are abusive. You did not make her this way and your parents both failed you utterly.

I still think for what it is worth you are in denial/disbelief of your situation and what actually happened to you. It may well dawn on you more over time and more memories will surface; you have started a very long and painful process of recovery.

I would urge you too to seek professional help. BACP have a list of counsellors and they won't charge the earth.

Javotte - My journey of emotional freedom from my adoptive parents started with anger at comments about my weight and appearance. Initially I thought 'it is not that bad' or 'it is me who is over sensitive'

My adoptive father only ever wanted to show me to his colleagues when I was thin. My adoptive mother was jealous of me.

It has been a long journey but well worth it as I discovered that they were the problem and not me. It started as thinking it wasn't that bad but in fact as I began to remember more and more it was much,much worse

I think most victims of abuse begin their journey by believing they are not victims of abuse, but being miserable with their relationship with their parents and blaming themselves for it. Unfortunately you know something is wrong and probably always have done, but you have internalised the belief that it is you who are bad or wrong. From the snippets you have given me I can state it is not you.

Feel free to join the Stately Homes Thread because people who have to convince themselves they have not been abused usually have in some way. People who have had normal and happy childhoods never need to contemplate this question

May I also suggest the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website. It will be an eye opener and may be a revelation in terms of their behaviour

Good Luck. You deserve to be free from their manipulative and damaging behaviour

Sorry to add I would not suggest confronting them, they will only reply with all your supposed faults and logical fallacies 'but we took you to stately homes!' - then this must render all the abusive moments obselete!

If you want to keep them in your life you are entitled to impose boundaries that protect you. I found distance emotionally and physically whilst I received counselling and let go was the best way

But everyone is different. For some the price is too high and they cut all contact knowing such parents are very unlikely to change - and that is okay too. You will find your way because you have taken the intial step of admitting their is something wrong with the way they treat you

Stately Homes representing any such justifications - my abusers love 'but you had a wonderful childhood, you are smiling in all the photos!'

I'm sure not all toxic or abusive parents are acting consciously or deliberately in their treatment of their kids...

No, I'm sure the majority are acting unconsciously. On occasions when they question themselves, they let themselves off the hook with: "It never did me any harm"; "I only stated the obvious, she IS fat/ugly/clumsy/stupid/a pest!" and my mother's favourite, "I just didn't have time, you kids were SO demanding"

This doesn't make them bad people. Some of our parents were, literally, criminally bad. But the majority "only" failed to take care of us properly, undermined our confidence, made us frightened and so on. Screwed-up people, certainly, but not evil. But screwed-up people can make very poor parents. The harm they inflict, intentional or not, is real and the damage long-lasting.

attilathemeerkat I'm not sure what I really want from them. I want them to have acted differently, which is not possible. I would like to be able to change my reaction to their behaviour (either by not being affected at all or by being able to tell them to stop when they hurt me).

roseability I do know something is wrong. It is no coincidence if all my siblings escaped to various continents... But I have read the SH thread in detail and it seems to me that calling my parents abusive would be an insult to all the posters on the thread, who have suffered a lot more than me!

itsgraceagain I am convinced their behaviour is unconscious. That's why I don't (can't?) confront them. But not saying anything is eating me (or rather, as skihorse cleverly put it, I'm eating it).

Thanks for the reply, javotte It's good to know you're examining this now. Any 'sorting out' you do will make you a better parent - and make your life run smoother.

Umm, we all think "It wasn't that bad." Children are hard-wired to love and admire their parents: we don't question anything they do or say, we simply accept they are always right! That's why continued insults and/or neglect are harmful. It's also, of course, why people go on to abuse their own kids ... because they still feel it's normal

Wrt to confronting them: Instead of confrontation, which really will not get you anywhere, can you perhaps practice standing your ground? This may all sound a bit woo (sorry) but it really does help to tell yourself you're beautiful, independent, calm, confident, capable - adjust to suit you - out loud, in the mirror, every day. Once you've started believing yourself, have a go at calmly replying to your parents (again in the mirror) with cool responses like "Please don't speak to me like that" and "That's a rude thing to say" ...

Once you've started believing in your abilities, try it for real. When they 'trigger' you, take a pause to breathe out and remember yourself. Then say it. I can make you one, rock-solid promise: the world won't blow up

Thanks grace
I'll try the mirror thing... with my pocket mirror. I hate my body so much that mirrors have been banished from the house if I can see more than my face in them DH finds it very difficult to shave!
I'm feeling quite confused now (is the situation really worse than I thought?) so I'll try to sleep for a few hours before DD wakes up for her 3AM feed. Hopefully things will seem clearer tomorrow.
Good night and thanks again for the advice and support.

Javotte

I would like to suggest you go to counselling (not sure if anyone else has suggested this). For me it did wonders - I blamed my dh and his depression for everthing crap inour lives and when I had counselling it made me realise that how I had been brought up had made a HUGE influence.

I too had loving parent but their parenting technique had screwed me up in a way it took me until I was 40 to realise!

You need to believe in yourself - you are a fabulous mother and beautiful human being and just need to realise that in yourself.

javotte- You've had some great advice already so not sure if I can add much.
What I will try to do is put a different spin on the stately homes thread for you.
You asked about online therapy earlier and that is exactly what the thread is.
Group therapy online and so is a way of exploring your relationship with you parents in it's past and present form.
You can do that there and no-one will ever judge you. I can vouch for that.
Wrt to handling your parents and stopping the interaction which casues you so much pain and discomfort I think until you disentangle yourself from them emotionally you wont be able to resolve it. You will continue to hurt yourself instead by stuffing down your anger and eventually you may make yourslef ill because of it.
In order to disentangle yourself emotionally you need to explore further with therapy, reading, journalling.
IMO the difference between the parents who unconciously hurt their children and the ones who conciously hurt them is very small indeed. If neither will say 'Im sorry, I didnt realise I was hurting you...I wont do it again' Then 'there' is the intention to disable the child from ever validating their feelings.
I digress jovette You are an individual with a right to own your feelings and you should have been allowed the power to express them by you parents. You can take back that power now if you want to, its up to you.

javotte - It took me a long time in therapy (over a year) before I was able to admit that maybe my parents were abusive. After all, I wasn't hit "frequently" - I wasn't black and blue and I wasn't sexually abused. But emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse. Getting in to therapy was hard enough because "therapy is for the weak" and "there's nothing wrong with you". You don't realise it at the time of the beginning of your journey, but you start out with all these preconceptions about what abuse is, what it entails and the kind of "weak" person who asks for help.

I can only echo what others have said - you never will get that apology. To get an apology would mean that your parents have to accept that they were mean gits - and who in their right might is ever going to be able to admit they were cruel to a child?

I grew up (mostly) in South London, my top 3 uni choices? Aberdeen, Aberystwyth and Exeter - I've worked overseas since I was 20. Coincidence? Geographical removal is a wonderful tool. I also don't pick up the phone to my parents. I cut off all contact for years at a time with my mother (I'm now 36) - I respond to emails - on my terms.

In response to Grace's "you kids were just too demanding" - my mum was the opposite - "I didn't need to look after you, you were always so independent". Hmmmn okay then? A 2 year old chooses independence? Or has to get on with it?

Just wanted to say, in total I was in therapy (Schema Therapy + CBT) for nearly 5 years before I was completely at peace with myself - nobody expects you to be able to put all the wrongs to rights in a week!

Although I "knew" that my family is not right, It has taken my mother destroying my second marriage and facing up to the reality of the abuse in that marriage to really understand what an appallingly wicked woman she is. I will not allow my children anywhere near her. She threatens to inform social services about what an evil and demonic person I am and my nurse practioner tells me to tell her..."bring it on".

And in the meantime my sisters and their children have massive problems that they have not yet faced up to. Easier to drink, do drugs, eat, starve, whatever their preferred method of avoidance this week. Oh and blame me.

Once the Genie is out of the bottle javotte. I don't think it can be put back in.