I don't find my H as sexually attractive as I want to

[willowford]

I know this is a wierd thing to say and I feel bad for even writing it....but I just seem to have lost that passion to rip my H clothes off and dtd...I love him, I love our family and I love the life we have built together so what the hell is wrong with me?

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I have spoken to him about how I feel but what can he do to change my perception of him!! Its not him is it...its me!

Our problems seemed to start when I was pg with our 1st child - my sex drive went through the roof and his was non existent. I kept asking if it was because I was pg and he would say no, he was tired/not in the mood etc It wasn't til after I had given birth and a few months after that actually that he finally admitted that it was because I was pg but by then the damage in my head had already been done. I just wish he had been honest with me from the start cos I spent my pg feeling so unattractive to my H. However, I did get some attention from a guy at work who I had always fancied but would never have dreamt that I would do anything about until he came on to me when I went back after maternity leave and I am ashamed to say we eventually slept together. It was amazing I'm not going to lie but now it seems the damage to my marriage is irreversable and I know I only have myself to blame. My H knows nothing about what I have done and thats the way I'm keeping it for the sake of our marriage and our kids (we now have 2). H ewas exactly the same with 2nd pg but at least I knew the reason. We are aware we have problems and have talked about going to relate but we are working through them.. Despite what you may think I do love my H and I never for one minute thought I would have had been unfaithful but that is the reality of my situation.

Thanks for listening x

In a nutshell:

You've cheated on him

you feel guilty

you won't allow yourself to fancy him/love him or be loved in return

the sex with another isn't the damaging thing, it's the secret. It gets in the way of true intimacy. It stops you loving and accepting love.

It isn't that you don't fancy him, it's that you don't fancy him right now because you are not being truly intimate with him. Intimcay takes work.

Yes, but that's not terribly helpful...

Would he dress up?

at Hully

much better advice......

LFC - you speak very wisely and a lot of sense...I just don't think I could risk telling him esp when it wouldn't acheive anything apart from easing my conscience.

Hully - he is a fireman so that wouldn't be a prob! lol

Unfortunately, because you have slept with another man, you now see your husband as a victim, as a cuckold, as somehow diminished because of your infidelity

No wonder you don't fancy him any more...he has been made a fool out of, and tbh, fools are not that fanciable

You have wrecked your marriage...but at least you acknowledge that

My opinion is that something such as relate will be a complete waste of time while you are still being dishonest...what would be the point with such a massive elephant in the room ?

I'm not sure it's easy to live with dishonesty. Yes, it's a risk and your husband has every right to be angry and terribly hurt.

Without honesty your relationship may always be like this whereas if you change it and tell him you have a chance to move forward truthfully.

It would be impossible emotionally for you to go to relate and not be honest about how you feel - and frankly pointless.

I will give it some serious consideration about whether or not to tell him... thanks for listening x

aww, good luck, willow x

will you keep us posted ?

Is it possible you don't feel as much desire for your DH because you are still subconsciously worried he will reject you?

Do not tell him about the fling.

why the hell did he not fancy you when you were pregnant?? what the hell is unattractive to a man about a woman carrying his fucking child fgs??? god how shit must you have felt, i am surprised no one has picked up on that....

i know i will get flamed for this bit - but sorry but no bloody wonder you looked elsewhere for attention, as if us women don't feel shit enough when we are pregnant, massive and hormonal....OP i am for you

Willowford, I do feel for you.
Being rejected sexually when you're pg is just soul-destroying isn't it? As Vixen says, you feel unattractive enough.

Your DH has become your companion, rather than your lover.
I don't know what to suggest re being able to see him as a sexual being again.
Malificence is the person to ask!
She regularly ravishes her husband of 25 years! She'll tell you all about it if you ask her!

I really wouldn't tell him about the fling though.

It ssems a real double standard that women are allowed to go off sex whilst pregnant but men aren't.
He was misguided not explaining to you that he didn't want sex and why, but it apparently is very common in men, as is women going off sex, they don't get slagged off for it though .

Instead of communicating and telling him how it affected you, you did the worst thing imaginable and slept with another man, just a few months after giving birth too. What if your husband had been with someone else at that time instead? it would have been the end of your world I'm sure, what if you had gone off sex while pregnant and he'd cheated on you because of it?

If there's a way to get past this, I don't know what it is, you pity him, and pity + shame/guilt doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.

my exh rejected me when I was pg (have been pg twice).

He told me that he found pg women unattractive

It does do damage to your self esteem no doubt about that

"You have wrecked your marriage...but at least you acknowledge that"

For goodness sake, such melodrama is just not helpful!

"You did the worst thing imaginable?"

Again, over-dramtatic. Did she murder anyone?

When I was pregnant, my hormones went completely throught the roof, to be honest, if my husband had rejected me sexually I would probably have dragged the milkman off the street!

What's done is done, no point in spending the rest of your life beating yourself up about it.

To be honest, I don't think I would be attracted to a man who admitted he didn't find pregnant women attractive. I would consider him to be emotionally immature. It would be a major turn-off for me.

For what it's worth, when a woman is pregnant, or has a very young child to look after, is a prime time for men to stray and have affairs. I presume often because they feel neglected but maybe also because they no longer see their partner primarily as a sexual partner.

You have my sympathies, if my partner had rejected me sexually when I was pregnant, that would be - a deal breaker, actually as it would have made me question him as a man.

But, having said that, if you both want to move forward it does sound as though you need to talk about how you both feel. What you did is a symptom not a cause.

women have a reason to go off sex during pregnancy - LOADS of reasons in fact, ie, finding sex uncomfortable due to the bump, being tired, feeling achey, feeling sick, feeling unattractive due to their changing shape, the list goes on.

but men don't have any physical/mental changes during their OH's pregnancy that would put them off sex or make them unable to do it, so why the hell should they go off sex? other than they are immature pricks who can't handle that their OH has changed shape or they are squeamish coz there is a baby inside her! or they have some sort of twisted madonna/whore complex which means they go off their women once she is a "mother" in their eyes in which case these kinds of men need to GROW UP!

Yet another double standard then, women are allowed to have psychological issues which affect sexual desire, but men aren't?

Actually supervixen, it's YOU who needs to grow up a bit, yes, some men are too immature/selfish or whatever but it happens with an awful lot of men - mine didn't go off me sexually whilst pregnant but if he had, I would have understood, just like I understand atm that he's in chronic pain and doesn't feel like sex at all.
Some men just can't handle the fact that there's a baby in there, it doesn't make them "immature pricks".

yes it does in my book.

but thats just my opinion.

it does imo too.

So is a woman who goes off sex simply because she's pregnant a frigid cow then?

Sexuality/sexual desire is highly complex , if a man who is otherwise a loving and supportive husband, why should going off sex for a few months change things so dramatically?
We expect men to be understanding when their wives go off sex when pregnant, I don't see any difference.
As long as there is communication, it shouldn't be a problem.

Some men are put off by pregnancy, I don't understand it personally, my husband adored my pregnant body, but I've read enough to understand that it's perfectly normal for men to feel that way, it doesn't "make" them anything.

malificence, don't you see my point? i am trying to say that women go through significant physical and mental changes whilst pregnant. men do not get pregnant, therefore will not experience those things.

I do think it sounds as though your partner was quite selfish on this issue. How long have women being "lying back and thinking of England" just to keep the the peace at home?

I mean, surely when you were pregnant, of all times, he could have thought about your needs (even if he was secretly fantasising about Claudia Schiffer or whoever..)

I know it's not necessarily a man's fault if he doesn't find his pregnant partner as attractive as in a pre-pregnant state but, for me, that admission would be a huge turn-off. It just would be.

I would prefer him to lie and pretend that he found me just as attractive, as at least it would show that he was trying not to hurt my feelings, and that he was prepared to put my needs above his own for a period of time.

Also, in my mind, there is something a bit laddish and immature about not fancying a woman if she is pregnant and that would be a turn-off for me.

get in contact with relate - they deal with loads of problems, they just have to be around relationships, I understand that they will just see one partner, if it gets to the stage that they think it essential to see the other partner they will talk thru the issues on how to handle that best.

DH rejected me too when I was pg, I was a bit worried about it at the time but tried not to 'overthink' it as I obviously looked v different and not particularly sexy. DH was very nurturing and loved kissing my bump and talking to the baby etc but it was plainly obvious he didn't want to rip my clothes off. It wasn't the end of the world TBH.

Our sex life got back to normal a few months after the birth of our baby and he did fancy me again, horray.

I don't know whether telling your DH would help things or not. If you're determined to save your marriage I'd suggest a lot of quality time for you and your DH, a regular date night on a weekly or monthly basis and have special things to look forward to. Perhaps some counselling would help too?