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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law cruel to DS

36 replies

minamillion · 05/05/2010 21:43

Why is my mother in law so cruel to my DS? She shouts at him laughs at him and shouts at my DH to tell him off if he answers back? Now my DH's relationship with him is slowly breaking down and no matter what I say he is adament it's not his fault(DH). She has just phoned and spoke to small DD's but not to DS and then DH has spent all night moaning at him? They used to do everything together and now I am starting to hate her for what she has created. If I leave (financially difficult) they will just expect to have all children and treat them God knows how while I am not there to keep an eye on things.
Why is DH so stupid and like child with his bully of a mother? How do I get them DH and DS back on track together?

OP posts:

mrsboogieforCleggnotCam · 06/05/2010 00:44

Oh this doesn't sound good. Perhaps she doesn't like boys and is repeating a horrible pattern that she started with your DH?

You are going to have to stand up for your son if your husband is too lily-livered to stand up to his mother. He sounds a bit pathetic to be honest. You need to sort it out before they damage Your DS.

I would be having strong words with both of them.

colditz · 06/05/2010 00:46

Mock your husband mercilessly for a) bullying a little boy and b) being led in what to do by his stupid mother.

junglist1 · 06/05/2010 07:47

Wow. No contact is the way to go here. I've done that because of a family member with issues that I can't have around my boys. She can't see any of them, you're their mother and you're there to protect them, tell your twatty H that. I'm quite at his laid back attitude to this, leaving you to deal with it! And what's wrong with her FFS?

skidoodly · 06/05/2010 07:51

Agree with junglist - no contact with bullying granny for any of the children.

Supercherry · 06/05/2010 07:51

I would warn her that if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren at all then she 1) Treats them properly and 2) Treats them all the same. If she can't do this this then she doesn't get to see them.

OTTMummA · 06/05/2010 09:57

sorry what do you mean by if you leave them they will expect all the children?

giveitago · 06/05/2010 10:08

I'm thinking what OTT is thinking - what exactly do you mean that they'd expect the kids - do you mean custody? Hopefully your not near divorce but the following should apply - you have custody.

your dh is a knob for letting mil have such and influence on HIS relationship with ds.

gps should treat the kids the same and this should be made fecking clear to her.

your dh is a mummy's boy - if you struggle to communicate on this issue with him, just rip the piss and jokingly refer to him as a mummy's boy.

How old are the kids?

This doesn't bode well honestly as my dh also a mummy's boy but thankfully mil loves ds. How her influence showed was with dh's relationship with his own df - 100% defined by mil and ever changing depending on how she felt - and this results in a fecked up dh even though fil has since passed away.

Don't allow this to happen as this concerns your child - and if it's that bad - as other posters say - cut contact with her for all the kids.

She cannot cherry pick her grandkids and she cannot marginalise one child.

She sounds a right piece. If she abuses ds in front of you - what do you do? What does dh do?

This is sooo wrong. Has ds picked up on all this?

Yorkshiretea71 · 06/05/2010 11:32

Wow, thanks all of you - it's a tough one and I'm not a pushover with DH or MIL but as a dutiful DIL, for a long time thought I was being too sensitive until the last outburst when she went way OTTand I let my feelings known but she just shouted and then said I'd driven them away!!hmm
They packed their things and haven't seen them since but MIL phones DH on mobile and then asks to speak to smaller DD's but not DS1. Yes DS1 is not daft but he seems to rebel now and makes things worse!!! DH seems to think everything she says is right even down to the butter she buys! If I had known then what I know now, I'D HAVE RUN FOR HILLS!! But do feel trapped in it. He has changed towards DS1 completely and I can't believe that big gentle loving man I married is still in fact a mummy's boy.

Yorkshiretea71 · 06/05/2010 11:35

Sorry OTTMummA, I mean if I leave he would expect to pick up kids and take them to Her house as and when she wanted without me knowing how they were being treated. I've seen it with BIL's kids from previous relationship.

Yorkshiretea71 · 06/05/2010 11:53

Have changed my nickname ! I realised it sounded like i thought i was mum in a million in a big headed way but it was actually that i am another mum in a million of others going through similar ways!!

kittyonthebeam · 06/05/2010 11:55

Sorry, OP, your pasts are a bit muddled, I guess you are very upset and emotional (and rightly so if I may add).

Why does your Dh have to tell his mother she is out of order. As your ds1's mum I'd ber straight onto the old bat and teach her some manners. As junglist suggested: no contact with any of the GC until this is resolved. And you can tell her in no uncertain terms that she is a cruel and manipulative bitch who is messing with your boy. Sod the peace, if I were you I'd stand up for my kids! What does it teach them if their own mum cannot protect them? Be brave and intervene!

Yorkshiretea71 · 06/05/2010 12:06

I know kittyonthebeam - you're so right - but she has been playing the extra nice card to DH since her last outburst but she phones his mobile and I will end up having a fight with DH with her on the other end of phone and kids at my feet if I stop her talking to them. Is that what you meant?
When she graces our doorstep next - what do I do??!!

giveitago · 06/05/2010 12:58

I think maybe you need to talk to her without dh present - even record the convo if you don't trust her to tell dh a different version of events.

Where a spouse doesn't believe the other there is more an issue of trust between them the the mil (in your case) and this has got to be sorted too.

I had a right old argument with mil the last time was here it didn't work - in fact it's sort of driven her underground where all convos between dh and mil take place when I'm not there. However, I did get my voice heard and about time too. It didn't work, as I said but it's just highlighted to me that she's deliberately undermining and feels she has a right to be boss in our relationship - it's easier when you know when you stand and I have no issues now with my motives and I know I'm not being unreasonable or sensitive - it IS her and her unreasonable expections. The dh thing I cannot tackle - have tried and failed.

You must do something though as your ds is being marginalised here.

OTTMummA · 06/05/2010 14:55

oh right, that makes more sense
you don't have a duty to cater to her or your DHs feelings if they are abusing your DS, which is what they are doing BTW, i would simply tell her and him that the grandchildren are not to see her at all, i would also tell your DH that he is not doing his job by submitting to his stupid pig mother.
he needs to grow a pair and let her know its not acceptable, and if he decides to take the children over there you will phone the police and if needed get a court order to stop at least your DS in question being taken there.

next time she graces your door, tell her to F off, i wouldn't be civil at all if she had been like this to my DS/her grandson, but then i can be a rather nasty bitch when needed.

giveitago · 06/05/2010 16:45

OTT - the police sentence was OTT, but you say it how it is and if it were my child I'd be tempted to do the same. But get the police involved and your marriage is over.

Your mil sounds a prize bitch. How dare she divide and conquer your family.

Is dh that bad - is there no persuading him?

Yorkshiretea71 · 06/05/2010 18:28

Ah girls - you're both spot on with advice - DH is just a closed book when it comes to emotion - a bit military in thinking and upbringing and so i think he wants it all to just go away.
I have thought of speaking to a family lawyer to see how I stand with her and the children but feel it's maybe a bit premature.
I have spoken to my health visitor as she has degree in psychology! She thinks there are deep rooted probs between MIL and DH
which there probably are and not surprising. Yes, I think recording conversation would be good idea as she does twist everything to suit herself and talks over everyone.
Dh does need to grow a pair - but strangely only when it comes to her - he'll gladly give what for to anyone else!
If I start to talk about it though he just denies she has a problem or says 'oh, I suppose thats my fault aswell!' doh!!!!Yes actually

giveitago · 06/05/2010 19:11

Good grief this sounds bad - why do you need to speak to a lawyer?

You mean in terms of her rights were you to stop her seeing kids or her rights if you were to seek divorce.

In the first instance she has no rights but your dh would probably be soooo offended it would end in seperation.

In the case of a seperation I doubt her giving her weight to your dh would do any good. Do you mean this as your opening post you said if you left they'd want the kids - I FIND THIS WORRYING AND IT CLEARLY WORRIES YOU.

If this is the case it's not really a marriage.

Yorkshiretea71 · 07/05/2010 10:49

No, it probably does sound awful - DH is sometimes great dad until she is around or she's phoned so that makes it even harder. I don't want kids without a dad or conflict with him but neither do I want damaged DS!! She just does and says what she wants- I feel that if I was to try and speak to her, she would either laugh in my face or just say I'm being rediculous - that's what she's like - she thinks she knows better than everyone else but I also think that she's being overly nice to DH and DD's so that he thinks it not her. She's just nasty peice of work.

Yorkshiretea71 · 07/05/2010 11:03

Sorry, I mean ridiculous! Thanks giveitago, yeh, maybe I spend a lot of time smoothing over especially with DH but more for the kids sake.
I feel they would be worse off if we were apart too. So, I am just trying to do what's best for them

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/05/2010 12:55

Agree with junglist.

Please put your son first.

I would refuse contact with this abusive woman. Surely your dh can see what is happening. If he wasn't on my side then the marriage would be over.

Tuesday13 · 07/05/2010 19:03

I would not leave marrage over her. She will be dead oneday.

I would avoid her at all cost. Unplug the phone, if she calls start doing something with DD and say they are busy call back another time. Completly block her from you life.

If you know she is coming over take the kids out or on holiday.

You DH will catch on and will have to talk to you about it. Explain what you are doing and why, if he wants it to stop then ask him to talk to his mum.

It will be hard work but will not take too long for DH to grow a pair and help sort his family out (you and his kids).

Even if DH talks to his mum it may not change her behaviour.

giveitago · 07/05/2010 19:10

Fight fight fight for your ds to be recognised as valued member of the family.

Yorkshiretea71 · 07/05/2010 20:52

I know all of you are right with a bit of everything you say - I just need all of you in my lounge when she's here!!

I have thought about next time she comes and I will get kids out of the way and talk to her - It'll just be hard to get her on own - DH and FIL are always her too when she is but I will and I'll also tape it!

Dh can have a short fuse and just stomps off as if he can't stand anyone questioning his behaviour so he would just flare up - not violently though - just wouldn't want to listen but I am going to start with him and then wait til she comes and make sure that she knows - I've a feeling she would say ' well, you can't stop me' so I'd have to have some support from DH.

Thanks, appreciate the honesty - I think i have thought every thought from the above for ages - just didn't want to cause fireworks at home but I see now that if I don't it'll only be worse.

dignified · 07/05/2010 22:38

You cant stop me ?!!!

If your dh doesnt want to sort it, then youll have to. What about your own parents or a good freind, would it be helpfull to have them present for a bit of support ?

She sounds truly vile.

OTTMummA · 09/05/2010 12:52

you know what i would do if shes this bad, i would goad her until she hit me and then call the fucking police on her.
press charges the lot, then there would be no contest for her to see the children at all etc.

im sorry but if your DH doesn't back you up i would be kicking him out ( he can go live back with mummy ) and he will have to see the kids with supervision/you present etc.

my kids come before me or my DH, and i have before told DH that i will do anything to make sure DS is looked after properly and that would include leaving him if nescessary.
( not that we have problems like this, i was just warning him ) i am a tigeress when it comes to DS

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