Mother in law cruel to DS

[minamillion]

Why is my mother in law so cruel to my DS? She shouts at him laughs at him and shouts at my DH to tell him off if he answers back? Now my DH's relationship with him is slowly breaking down and no matter what I say he is adament it's not his fault(DH). She has just phoned and spoke to small DD's but not to DS and then DH has spent all night moaning at him? They used to do everything together and now I am starting to hate her for what she has created. If I leave (financially difficult) they will just expect to have all children and treat them God knows how while I am not there to keep an eye on things.
Why is DH so stupid and like child with his bully of a mother? How do I get them DH and DS back on track together?

You don't sound very empowered. You need to up your game - she sounds a vile cow.

Why doesn't she like ds?

I think you need to stop all contact this woman has with your children now including phone calls and I personally think she will damage your kids more than any divorce will and not just your ds but your dds to because she is learning them that it is ok for men can be treated like shit.

Dh can talk to her all he likes but you don't have to let your kids.

Quote from a poster on previous page "I would not leave marrage over her. She will be dead oneday."

I would not stay married to someone who allowed their dc's to be bullied and abused.

If this is not sorted then you are enabling it.

I'm with OTT and dittany.

Put your son first.

I suggest you read this about horrid mums.

Does your MIL fit into this category, has she these kinds of characteristics?

She certainly seems to have "golden child" and "scapegoat" child tendencies, and your DH was the scapegoat, now it is your DS. Your DH is joining in the abuse as a way of deflecting the abuse away from himself to someone else. Horribly, the "someone else" is your DS.

If your MIL fits into the characteristics as per the link I would suggest either no contact, or your husband confronts the fact his mother is nasty and warped.

I had a horrible grandmother who played grand children off against each other (she will probably start on about her will when the kids are older and will talk about leaving more to the girls than your son). It was horrible growing up with a nasty granny and my mum was incredibly clever at avoiding taking us kids to visit her.

My dad never stood up to his mum either, he was completely under the thumb.

ok, i havent read any responses yet but i have to say, regardless of the relationship your dh and ds have, YOU must not let either of them do this anymore. your son needs to know that this is not acceptable and he deserves to be treated as a human being. there are enough people in the world to go up against when you are grown, why the hell are his family being his enemies?

secondly i would kick your DH into touch. i couldn't be with someone who would bully my child, regardless of whether he was it's father or not. it is your duty to protect your children. finances wouldn't even enter into it. there is help there for those that need it.

Imo by doing nothing you are facilitating abuse.

Ok - first I have just read link on thread by Miggsie - this is spot on - scarily accurate!

booyhoo and GeekOfTheWeek - No, I never do nothing - never once have I sat back and let DS get pummeled by MIL or DH! I don't leave him with MIL ever and DH thinks tough love is the way with boys and that kids shouldn't backchat etc but all negative is going to produce that in any child and only since her last visit did I realise that his behaviour (DH's) coincides with talk or visit from her.
I told him the other day that he is causing DS to answer back/be moody - he was better with him and took him to football match but I can't speak to him without kids around only at night but with two little ones we are both knackered and will end up shouting at each other. DS would hear us.

Now I have read link above, I realise she is the problem with DS and probably always with DH too.
I will send kids out next time she comes or maybe for all the time she comes and tell her how it needs to be - DH can either listen, walk out or divorce me - I won't put my DC's at risk physically or emotionally.
Booyhoo, he hasn't always been like this - he used to be glued to DS - since her last 2 visits - and generally a bit more grumpy - but he's not a bad man - he does loads for the kids and me - he does things for DS in a practical way but just emotionally retarded!

i understand that he hasn't always been like this but the fact that he now is would be enough for me to realise that he isn't a positive influence on my child, worse, he is a negative and damaging influence.

before tackling your MIL you need to set your OH straight either it ends now and he learns how to parent properly (parenting classes if necessary) or he goes. those would be the options if i was to advise you on this situation. your OH is a bigger problem than your MIL because he is a parent and has far more influence over your dcs than MIL. he will do far more damage with his behaviour.

OK booyhoo - yes - I am going to send DC's to their normal nana's for night and sit down with DH making sure he knows that this isn't life i want for DC's. Don't think he does know how to parent properly - thinks tough love is good love etc but then loses rag when tired.

fwiw, my OH seems quite similar to yours (mummys boy, thinks boys should be tough and children should be seen not heard, do as told when told, no argument) but if he ever tried to bully ds he would get very short shrift. i just have to remind him, quite firmly sometimes, that just because it's how he was brought up, doesn't mean that's right for all children. sometimes it causes rows between us but i will never reneague on it as i know how damaging this attitude can be to children.

good luck with it. it can be very hard to show someone that they might be wrong and even harder to get them to change.