Need advice - no contact with family but sister asking for contact

[TheArmadillo]

Sorry title probably confusing.

Basically I went on my email today (which I haven't checked in months) and found two requests from my sister asking to meet up.

Basically the background is that I have no contact with my family (so parents/sister and as a result all extended family as well). ME and my sister have never got on or had any real realtionship though we are close in age. She still lives at home. The reason I have no contact with my family is because of my parents (controlling/abusive and all that that entails).

Also to further complicated matters I am visably pregnant and recently married - neither of which my family are aware of. The marriage thing I could hide but obviously not the pregnancy.

I also suspect this has probably been 'suggested' by my mother. I think/suspect that this is an attack on another front for them to get back into contact with me. I do not want contact with my parents at all. I do not trust them an inch. And they are very much the 'give them an inch and they will take a mile' kind of people. They also scare me a lot.

If I did meet my sister anything we discussed I assume would be fed straight back to my parents.

I have also recently been ill with extreme anxiety/stress and as a side effect of that, depression. I am now medicated but still undergoing treatment and waiting for another psyciatric (sp?) assessment and more treatment. So not doing particularly well atm (though much better than I was previously without treatment). Most of my problems are thought to stem from childhood and childhood abuse.

I haven't told dh yet that I have been emailed. But I know what his answer would be - i.e. he'll support me in whatever I want to do but thinks it'll be a bad idea.

I also want to tell my parents when the baby arrives that they have another grandchild and that I am married. But I'm not sure I actually want to meet up with them and am also scared they will try and find a way back in. Also I don't want ds (5yo) meeting them again as he keeps asking about them and I don't want to bring them in and out of his life - a) because of the risk to him and b) cos it is confusing for him.

I suppose what I am looking for is for people to tell me it is alright to ignore these messages (which were sent a while ago I just hadn't checked). And advice on what to do once baby is born.

I have nightmares about my family most nights - which I haven't told anyone about. I know they only ahve this much affect on me and control over me because I let them, but I can't break it - they absolutely terrify me.

I would ignore the emails. I think you would be opening yourself up to stresses you don't need, especially now.

If you must tell your parents about your new baby I would simply send a card or note telling them of the birth but no more. Anything else (and possibly even this much) could give them the impression you are willing to let them in. Getting in touch like this may give them the inch they need.

Be careful and think everything through and lean on your DH for support.

to be honest, i wouldnt accept it. From what you have said the situation will be very very stressful and this is the last thing you need. what you need to chose is whether to say actually would be nice but busy at the mo maybe another time, or no not interested.

I would ignore the messages based on that. I would make any choices about once the baby is born based on what you think is best for the baby. if you parents were damaging to you do you think they will have the same affect on baby and same re sister.

Its ok to chose what is best for you over what other people want.

I remember you well from your previous writings.

Keep your family well away from them too; they do not and will not add any positive into your lives.

Ignore e-mail from sister (infact I would block her e-mail address) and do not let this toxic lot back into your life. You will rue that particular day if you were to resume any form of contact with any of them.

You may want to read and or post on the "Stately Homes" thread on these pages too.

Thank -you

It helps a lot to here that it is ok not to respond to sister.

I feel reasonably weak atm I think because of pregnancy/anxiety/exhaustion plus migraine starting so it makes it harder not to respond with pre set behaviour patterns.

I will talk to dh tonight.

I am so enjoying having this break from them for the first time in my life. I'm having a baby and this time they can't interfere and try and destroy things like they did with ds. Even being able to go out and choose my own baby equipment seems like a luxury - with no constant criticism.

Just it feels in a way as if I shouldn't be allowed this break, this life of my own- that it is wrong and I don't deserve it. Hence hte nightmares I suppose. And I'm still getting a lot of flashbacks as to what things were like especially when ds was born/was a baby.

The medication is helping and I am alot calmer but hopefully am getting more help/support and hoping that will help more.

I struggle to talk when things get bad so being able to write it all down helps (I had to write it down to communicate with dr at start). SO sorry for using this as a way of expressing stuff.

Dont reply to emails as its a long time since you got them your sister might think you will not reply anyway. I would block her email address.

Regarding the birth of your next child, why do you want them to know?

I too remember your previous posts and your mother's appalling behaviour! You have done SO well to get away from them and start rebuilding your life. It sounds like you are still dealing with all the fall out, so I too would say you should definitely have nothing to do with your sister at this time.

DON'T feel bad about it. Your concerns at the mo should be for your ds and forthcoming baby - I'm sure you have enough on your plate.

Set it aside and reassess after your further psychiatric treatment. I assume it will be a talking therapy? You may feel differently after that. And you may not.

I find this striking, though: you want your parents to know that they have another grandchild, but you don't want any contact with them? Why is that? No contact is no contact. I cannot understand the reasoning behind your thinking on that particular point.

block the emails so you dont even have to read them.

The only thing i would say is - are you seeing this as a break or that you really do not want to ever be involved in their life again.
The latter is hard - how upset would you be if you found out something major had happened? Would it upset you if say a family member died or was seriously ill and they did not contact you about it?

If you are happy with that then by all means cut contact but respect them if they dont - ie dont use the fact that they may give you the space and not tell you important things.

If it helps i have cut out people in my life - i had some theapy too - which helped. It is not easy but if you are prepared to accept that it can be done.

Armadillo you have taken such a long time to break free from them, they have done their best to steal your son from you and you dh () why on earth would you tell them about the baby, they will see it as a green light to get back in touch and be involved and start the whole cycle of take over all over again.

Do not respond to emails at all.

thanks for these

I still feel in a way that they deserve to know that they have another grandchild - but not entirely sure why now I come to think about it. MAybe almost it feels like my child won't properly exist unless they know they exist. I don't know. Or that I owe my parents to at least notify them that they have another grandchild in existance.

It also feels in a way as if my marriage isn't quite 100% real as they don't know about it.

I think it is all linked to my feeling that I don't deserve a complete break from them - that I deserve to put up with the treatment I get. I have managed to shift my thinking from my parents treating me 'not great' to 'quite bad' but was still shocked when at my last assessment the doctor described me as having a 'very abusive childhood' and that still doesn't seme quite real or accurate. Dh agrees with that statement but I still haven't broken free entirely from thinking it is at some level, all my fault.

I am waiting for some kind of talking therapy. And I have a back up in that my work provides some free of charge (but limited number of sessions) if this other referral doesn't pan out.

A lot of things aren't really straight in my head and tbh I've dealt with stuff as far as I can on my own adn I do need proper help to make any more progress.

As to whether I want this break to be permanent - at the start no but as it goes on then yes I do. I imagine 20-30 years in the future and I don't imagine having had any contact with my family. I had a letter to say my dad was in hospital and tbh I didn't really want to know or any details whatever happened to him. I've stopped reading the stuff they send me - though dh still does and then gives me the 'cliff notes' version, but last time I wasn't even interested in that. I don't see me playing any part in their lives.

I think it comes down to I want a complete and permanant break but don't feel I deserve or am entitled to one. BUt the thought of contact makes me feel sick and shaky so I have managed to avoid it so far.

I really understand that pull to become involved again, despite the heartache you know it will bring.

In my experience, it takes alot of energy to resist, not even taking into account the "invitation" you have logged on and discovered. They are forever in your thoughts.

I can only echo the sentiments of the posters before me. If it makes it any simpler, harness that mother lioness in you - your babies do not deserve the path you had to tread, and they will see your babies as an extension of you, and the time will come when they start to treat them as they treated you, or try to manipulate them against you.

I don't know your history, but generally people don't break with their family without a bloody good reason.

Enjoy the life you have created just for you and your children.

Thank you

I really do enjoy not having my family involved in my life. Especially having dc2 and seeing what difference it makes to feel free to make every decision myself (obviously along with dh).

It does make me feel guilty about what ds went through as a baby - though my dr told me he won't remember, I still feel guilty about it.

But even as me and dh were talking about last week, ds being free to grow up without being subjected to constant screaming rows, with having the freedom to say what he thinks, without being subjected to mind games, and all the other things I never had and that he was losing when around my parents (and he used to get so confused and scared with their behaviour, just towards each other). He is happier now, how much of that is down to me being happier and coping better and how much down to him not having my parents influence I don't know. But they both make a difference.

You have been conditioned over a long period of time to be dependant on them for everything especially their good opinion. It is familiar to you. That is the only reason you feel you need to tell them about the baby and your marriage.

I remember your posts about your psychotic mother. You do not need them in your life - really, just ignore your sister. And, yes, block her from your email.

You are fully and completely entitled to be safe and happy, and the decisions you make are for you and your family's well-being. You are not obligated to anyone. You deserve your life. Cut toxic family out. Don't look back.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you

I now pretty much know I was right in thinking that my sister's request was engineered by my mother.

My mother just phoned. Apparently to check whether she could phone or not

And this is why I don't answer the phone. Dh dealt with it.

I was just beginning to manage to answer th ephone if he was out and I was expecting a call. I can't do that any more.

I feel sick.

I'm so glad I have my dh.

Get caller ID - it's a godsend. And only pick up calls from numbers you know or are expecting.

You poor poor thing. I think it it horrendous that they are doing this to you!

Caller ID, yes it is great. We don't have that but our digital phone handset displays all the incomming numbers and if we have saved someones number in the phone then it displays their name. Do your phones do that?

our phones don't display number even if in the phonebook but should be able to do caller ID if we set it up (have same phones at work and they do it).

Will call virgin tomorrow and see if I can get it set up - thanks for that idea I hadn't thought of it. Seems to be about 2quid (can't do pound sign) a month looking online - which is doable.

Feel a bit better now. Thank you

bad day today.

My sister drove past me as I was walking to work.

By the time I got to work I was hysterical and they sent me home. DH came and picked me up. We had to walk down the backstreets as I was so scared.

Dh has spoken to ds school (as he has a new teacher). They won't release him to anyone but dh (who they know) adn dh will take in a picture of me and MIL (who are the only others allowed to pick him up) so they ahve a photo record for safety.

I am back to teh state I was a few weeks ago - shaking and stuttering and I can't cope with this. I'm at home with all the doors locked adn the curtains closed. I can't bear to have dh out of sight.

I was getting to the stage where I thoguht I was paranoid about not answering the phone adn about constantly checking around me when we were out.

But I wasn't.

My manager and my bf (who I spoke to on the phone) have both said to keep in mind that they can't actually do anything to me. But it doesn't feel like that.

I need to sort out the phone but I can't face it at mo.

My manager said 'what must they ahve done to you'

They terrify me and after yesterday and tehn this mornign it feels like they are coming to get me.

Oh gosh, honey, that is so awful.

Your manager and friend are right in a way, they have no legal or moral power over you; but the point is that it's too late, they have already done one hell of a lot to you. There is absolutely no way on earth that the child you were can have deserved treatment that has left you this damaged and terrified. You are clearly a lovely person because of the number of other people who are right on your side, and just seeing the way your relatives behave proves to these normal human beings that you are right and your ex-family are barking.

This proves once and for all that never speaking to them again is perfectly right and justified. Surely they should never know about your baby, so they will never get their hooks into him/her. You only just managed to save the first one from their "tender mercies". Dom't feel guilty at keeping them safe, it's your duty.

Btw ringing and driving past you and stuff count as stalking behaviour, I think, and the police may be able to do something about it if they persist.

"Don't feel guilty about keeping your children safe", that should have read, sorry.

perhaps it's time to start thinking about getting an injunction against them so they can no longer phone your home or come to your house or place of work?

Oh goodness, why are they doing this to you. It is horrendous! I would start keeping a diary of all contact they are trying to make with you, call the CAB and find out your rights re an injunction, what constitutes stalking and so on.

I am so pleased you have a kind boss and it sounds like the school have got things under control there too. Those 2 areas are really important, so well done.

Can you and a work mate walk to/from work together? Would you feel safer on public transport. I know it is easy for me to sit here and say, but don't let them win.

Every morning, look in your mirror and in as strong a positive voice as you can muster, tell yourself something good. Like "I am a great mum and a good friend", "I am doing tyhe best I can" or "I am strong and will get past this". Write positive affirmations on little bits of paper and put them under your pillow, in your wallet, etc. I know it sounds daft, but it can really focus the mind and make you feel calmer.

I want to lamp your sister. Sorry if that it OTT!

Thaanks

Today has been a very bad day and tomorrow dh is going to take me to doctors as I have really gone downhill. I've only got a couple more weeks at work and he wants them to sign me off sick (which they have done before).

This has all affected me (and my state of mind) quite badly. But I have dh and his family around to look after me.

Thanks for the advice - I will come back when I am feeling better.

Armadillo I'm not surprised you are finding it hard. It is very difficult to face up to cutting contact. I really grieved for what I should have I had and what I knew I would never have IYSWIM.

Therapy really helped me address all of that in a safe environment (also whilst I was pregnant!) but it was very very painful, more painful then burying under the carpet like I had most of my life! It was worth it though x