How can we separate when I have nowhere to go?

[thefatladysings]

This is probably a stupid question, but what do you do if you need to separate but neither of you have anywhere else to go, and no money?

I have namechanged to ask this, basically Dh and I have had a lot of problems since DS 4 was born, due to me having severe PND. I had anxiety issues before we had DS, which resulted in me having to give up my job, so I have no income of my own, except incapacity benefit and disability living allowance as i am also physically disabled.We rely on DH job which is not particularly well paid.

the PND put a terrible strain on us, DH does his best, but emotionally I think it has driven us too far apart for us to continue. He would get terribly stressed and angry with me because quite often I would have to ask him to stay home from work as I couldn't cope with DS.I have spent so much the last four years feeling guilty, as werll as depressed. We had, and still have terrible arguments over it, over how what he said and did made me worse. I even took an overdose once as I felt I couldn't cope with the guilt any longer.
We've tried Relate and I thought initially it was helping, but not any more-every time I have a bad day, I still get told how stressed I am making him, how he can't stand it any more, etc. I have no interest in sex either due to the anti-depressants I have to take and also because of the emotional distance I feel between us-so this is another problem, another failiure of mine.

I am so tired and sick of all this emotional strain,and I do not want my son to be growing up in an unhappy home.I feel we have grown so far apart and ther has been so much bad feeling over my PND that I will never love DH as I used to. I have said several times that I think we should separate, but he always says we can't because he doesn't want to, and because we can't afford to. But when he is shouting at me, he tells me to 'just go, if that's you want' But then he says that he will never let me have my son if we part. He doesn't mean it to be cruel, he knows I won't be able to cope on my own with DS if I am having a bad day. So DS will be better off with him.

I have nowhere to go. My father is in a nursing home, my mother is ill and has carers, and there are no other relatives I can stay with. This is why I had no-one to help me with DS when I had PND, so had to get DH to stay home from work a lot, and where all these problems stemmed from.

I have no income of my own, how can I get somewhere to live? Even if we sold our house, neither of us would have enough to buy somewhere of our own. If I asked DH to leave, he also has no relatives to stay with and couldn't afford to rent somewhere and continue to pay the mortgage on our house.

I just don't know where to start.
I don't understand how people with little or no income ever manage to get out of unhappy relationships.

You will get housing benefit and you and DC will be seen as a housing priority by your local council. Your H, as an able-bodied adult who is not the custodial parent, won't get house but will be eligible for housing benefit.
I think your H sounds borderline abusive, actually, shouting at you and pestering you for sex, and saying he will get custody of DC. It might be helpful to have a chat with Women's Aid.

You can get 50:50 custody of DS - that way you would be able to have him some of the time and your DH would be able to take him if you were having a "can't cope" day. I don't know about the housing benefit under those circs but you could go and discuss it with CAB to see what they come up with.

As a lone parent on disability allowance etc. you will doubtless get some help but you need to discuss it with a professional.

Shared residency is what it's called. And it's common these days. Very.

Thank you for your replies, I'm sorry I sound so thiick about these things (blush)

SGB, do you mean that if I stayed in our current house with DS, I would get housing benefit? So I might not have to leave my home after all? Or do you mean if I went to live somewhere else?

Thank you thumbwitch for the CAB suggestion, I hadn't realised I could ask them for advice. I thought somehow I'd have to pay a solicitor.

Shared residency? Is that like living together in the same house, but not as man and wife? Does that class as being separated?

Hb won't pay the mortgage, only the interest on it

but you will get it on a rental. Your council might run the rent assist scheme to give you initial deposit. You will get income support too

Shared residency is the correct term for 50:50 custody, TFLS. It means that you have separate homes and the DC spend half the time with you and half with your DH. My bro has this set up but is not on benefits which is why I don't know how the benefits works in this situation.

3BB, can you shed any light on the benefits in shared residency?

No,separate houses your dc share their time between you, not always equally but it gives you equal rights

www.wikivorce.com. Try the forums

oh my i really really feel for you, nothing worse than pnd and an unsupportive partner. get in touch with council and get yous on housing register asap. that is what i have done and tell them that you are in a relationship that is no longer good for the wellbeing of your child...need to get away...u can do it if u r away from destructive relatioship

Thank you everone, I had no idea there might be any financial help.

Can I just say as well that my DH isn't awful, it's just in trying to outline our problems has made him seem so. He's had to put up with an awful lot of stress from work over having time off, he's a brilliant dad and he's kind to me and a good husband in every other way, except this stressing over work. He still loves me (he says) and even my sister says I'm lucky he hasn't walked out on me before, because a lot of husbands wouldn't have put up with it

He's just like so many men in that he can't seem to talk about his feelings, or my feelings, or understand what I'm saying when I try explain to him how I feel about us and what has happened to us.

He's just like so many men in that he can't seem to talk about his feelings, or my feelings, or understand what I'm saying when I try explain to him how I feel about us and what has happened to us.

I dont like this last sentance .He cant understand what your saying when you try to explain how you feel ?
Can he understand his boss, or male freinds ?
Im afraid i agree with solid gold, i think he is abusive to you , and you sound as if you are literally bogged down with guilt.

Lots of men are stressed at work, women too for that matter, they do not scream at their wives or tell them to get out or threaten to get custody of their child. These are not the actions of a supportive husband but of an abusive man.

Who is he to tell you that you cannot seperate ? He doesnt get to run your life or keep you in a marriage you dont want. Have you contacted womens aid, or looked on their website ?

If you decide to stay in your home and your h moves out youll get help with the mortgage and tax credits. You wont be going off to the bahamas every month but its managable. If you apply for a council house the same applies and there are organisations that can help you with furniture if your struggling.

Perhaps now is the time to seek some advice, start with womans aid , you sound so down.

depending on the area you live in, there may be some organisations that offer "Supported Housing" to help you with your health problems and to manage your own tenancy,

I'm not saying that it should be you that leaves the family home, but if this is what you decide to do then it may be worthwhile looking into

Your local council will have a list of places offering Supported Accommodation (for your particular needs) or you can contact your local "Supporting People" office (details should be available on Google or local council website)

I agree with you to a certain extent, dignified; I am bogged down with guilt. To the point now that I end up getting defensive over lots of things he says or does that I perceive to be a 'dig' at me. He used to say things like 'why do you do this to me?' I'd be crying and desperate for someone to just help me for one day with DS- and yet he can't seem to see how much that would hurt me, or that it would make me worse. To feel you can't cope is bad enough, but to feel you can't cope AND the one person you want or need to help you thinks you are 'doing it to him' makes me feel like a shit for days.

He says that he's not good with words, that he didn't mean it to sound like he was blaming me,it's because me asking him to stay home from work makes him so stressed, etc. When we try to talk about it, it feels like I'm talking a foreign language to him-I get so wound up that he can't see what I'm saying-why can he not understand that all I'm saying is that the way he reacts to me when I'm not well puts more mental and emotional strain on me, and that makes me ill for longer, and makes me feel resentful of him?

That's why after four years I feel drained,I've stopped trying to explain,I just get angry. And I realise I don't really care anymore. I can't keep trying to explain. What more can I say to someone who, when I left the house today, crying and in such a state over the latest argument that I said I wished I was dead, rings my mobile to ask if I wanted him to turn the cooker off, or was I coming back to finish the dinner?!

Sorry, I didn't mean to waffle on. No-one else to talk to about these things.

I don't mind about not going to the Bahamas-we can't even afford a caravan holiday in the UK most of the time but I would like to stay in this house if at all possible, or in this area. Or if not me, then DH. The one thing we would both want is absolutely as little stress and disruption to DS. He's due to start school in September and it's such a lovely little school with an 'outstanding' rating. I can't bear the thought of having to uproot him to some unknown place,I'm afraid of us ending up somewhere really grotty and horrible if I have to move. I'm sure all I could afford is a bedsit or something in the worst part of the city.
That probably sounds really snobby, it's not meant to. The house we have now is only a little 2 bed semi in an OK area (not affluent, not dead grotty) but that's why I'm so worried about the financial side of a separation. I could live in a grotty bedsit if it was just me, but I don't want that for DS.

i dont know what the law says regarding your husbands responsabilities towards paying your mortgage - even though he may not live ther.e - worth checking out.

i do know that at the moment you are considered adequatley housed and certainly would find it difficult to be a priority byt the council, unless the house was in his solename and he kicked you out

or unless the house was sold and you were effectively homeless.

also please consider that should there be any profit from the sale of your house that this willbe taken into consideration by benefits.

regarding the enotional side.

perhaps being a full time carere isn;t for you, it wasn;t for me and isn;t for everyone.

and although it may end up cost neutral with childcare etc, perhaps going out to work would help with friends, a support network, people to talk to, goals and aims for the future , building self confidence, sense of achievement, gaining more qualifications through work, sense of progression, career development..........lots and lots of things which aren;t financial.

also it occurred to me that your dh -like you- has a lot on his plate, your posts sound very inward looking, and whilsti do not in any way want to diminish your anguish and eperiences, i just wanted to point out that it seems that you are the centre of a small universe the way which you post.

and maybe its worth coming at this from another POV. he too had a lot, he too had a a baby on the scene, he had work responsabilities, and he had a half crazy wife with pND who was probably in tears half the time and crying half the other time.

now whilst he could have handled it better - said things differently, supported you maybe, i think a little understanding needs to be interjected 0 becuase he had a lot of shit to deal ith too.

you both did.

anyway whats done is done, and telling him he was shit when you had PND isn'thelpful.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, you have given me some idea of where to start, I think I will contact CAB to ask for some financial guidance on how things would be if we do separate- I am frightened of the unknown as much as anything, I think.

Also I will look into women's aid, thank you.

no problem with you waffling. It helps to type things out - sometimes it can give you a different perspective just to see it written down.

For once, I don't actually agree that this is necessarily emotional abuse - I think that he is as worn out/down with it as you are and has also lost all sense of perspective. From his POV I would think that he feels the same as you - that he has no one to help him either but he doesn't even have a diagnosis to "let" him feel that way - God, now I'm doing it - not saying quite the right words.

What I'm trying to say is that you have a reason, a valid diagnosis for being the way you are - his only reason is that he is reacting to you being the way you are, and he probably doesn't feel all that great about his reactions either.

When you talk about it - how does it go? Do you allow him his say as well without speaking, or do you say "but.." whenever he says anything? (I am so not trying to make this your fault, I am trying to help you see if there is a different way you can go about discussing things so that you both actually get to feel better about things.)

I understand that Relate stopped working out for you both - maybe because one or both of you felt that nothing changed?

Look I'm not trying to make things worse for you - I just think that you are both in a similar state but for different reasons.

My DH is shit with words too - some of the things he says are truly unbelievable but whenever I pull him up on it, he does acknowledge that it "came out wrong" and that was honestly not what he meant. You are in a more sensitive state by the sounds of things - could you try (if you haven't already) saying calmly "I'm not sure that you meant that to sound the way it came across to me - it means X to me, is that what you meant?"

I don't know you or your situation but I do know someone else who was in your DH's position and he admitted that he wasn't good at dealing with his wife's depression (different scenario, childhood abuse in her case) and he went to individual counselling to try and help the situation - which it did. Perhaps your DH could also try individual counselling, and maybe it would do you some good as well if you haven't already tried it.

Gosh, I took so long to reply that Custy beat me to it. And said pretty much the same thing only much more succinctly.

I don't think 50/50 custody is meant to mean that dh has to take the kid if the OP is having a "can't cope day" - that's not really workable is it - I though the point of shared residency was to have a set structure which both parties adhered to.
I too think the "emotial abuse" comments are a bit OTT - the guy has had a hard run of it since the kid came, he's at least tried Relate etc, now if thing haven't worked it needs to be sorted out best for all sides.

Fatlady - if Relate at least gave you some benfit, you do know you can also go to see them in terms of winding up a relationship, not just for trying to make it work?

S'up to the 2 individuals how they work it, isn't it? Therefore, if the OP is having a can't cope day, she might be able to organise a swap with her H to help her out of a sticky patch. Guess it depends on how "friendly" the split is.

True, but I was coming from the perspective that OP's already identified asking her dh to stay at home from work as she couldn't cope as a major source of stress, and I can't imagine dealing with that gets earier once you've split. It's not easy taking days of work at short notice.

Yes I see your point too. I was probably being over-simplistic.
But maybe having them only half the time would reduce OP's "can't cope" days anyway, with a bit of luck.

In terms of benefits this area is complicated
This advice is based on you receiving Incapacity benefit of £65 ish per week and DLA

If you seperate you should be entiled to around £25 Income Support in addition to your Incapacity benefit. This is because you cwould be entitled to the disability premium as you receive DLA. If you receive Middle rate care DLA there would be an extra £50 pw.

If you say in your own home you will be able to get Income Support to help pay with the mortage after 13wks.

If you decide to rent somewhere then you should receive housing benefit

HOWEVER. Your interest in the marital home will be looked into and only disregarded if you are taking steps to "realise your interest" or if there is a dependant child living at home. (TBH I dont think shared residency will be classed as this as its not full time)

You will have to decide who claimed the child benefit- this is crucial because whoever gets this can claim the associated benfits such as CTC etc. If you didnt claim it Housing benefits would only pay you rent based on a 1 bed house.

Claiming benefits would be tricky but not impossible. I would however echo the previous posters advice re the emotional stuff...im more a praticial person re advice giving but they have mentioned some good emotional steps to take

Hello

Your situation is very typical and there are options available to you both. There is plenty of free help and advice out there. Our UK website has lots of free help and advice, you may qualify for legal aid or you can do things by agreement.

Dont rush into anything, take your time and make thedecision that is right for you and DS.

Good luck

diyfamilylaw

Are you getting all the mental health care help and general outside support you need, OP? I wonder if maybe SureStart or something might be useful here, if your H is in fact ground down by the situation rather than causing it - it is hard living with a partner who is depressed, and perhaps if you were able to tap into a support network that helped take some of the weight off both of you, things would improve (ie if you had someone else to call on when you are having a bad day - while your H should be understanding, it's not entirely unreasonable of him to be stressed about having to take time off work at short notice: he may worry that his employers will sack him over this, or at least that his co-workers will be resentful of the frequent time off and that there will be an unpleasant atmosphere in the workplace).