How can we separate when I have nowhere to go?

[thefatladysings]

This is probably a stupid question, but what do you do if you need to separate but neither of you have anywhere else to go, and no money?

I have namechanged to ask this, basically Dh and I have had a lot of problems since DS 4 was born, due to me having severe PND. I had anxiety issues before we had DS, which resulted in me having to give up my job, so I have no income of my own, except incapacity benefit and disability living allowance as i am also physically disabled.We rely on DH job which is not particularly well paid.

the PND put a terrible strain on us, DH does his best, but emotionally I think it has driven us too far apart for us to continue. He would get terribly stressed and angry with me because quite often I would have to ask him to stay home from work as I couldn't cope with DS.I have spent so much the last four years feeling guilty, as werll as depressed. We had, and still have terrible arguments over it, over how what he said and did made me worse. I even took an overdose once as I felt I couldn't cope with the guilt any longer.
We've tried Relate and I thought initially it was helping, but not any more-every time I have a bad day, I still get told how stressed I am making him, how he can't stand it any more, etc. I have no interest in sex either due to the anti-depressants I have to take and also because of the emotional distance I feel between us-so this is another problem, another failiure of mine.

I am so tired and sick of all this emotional strain,and I do not want my son to be growing up in an unhappy home.I feel we have grown so far apart and ther has been so much bad feeling over my PND that I will never love DH as I used to. I have said several times that I think we should separate, but he always says we can't because he doesn't want to, and because we can't afford to. But when he is shouting at me, he tells me to 'just go, if that's you want' But then he says that he will never let me have my son if we part. He doesn't mean it to be cruel, he knows I won't be able to cope on my own with DS if I am having a bad day. So DS will be better off with him.

I have nowhere to go. My father is in a nursing home, my mother is ill and has carers, and there are no other relatives I can stay with. This is why I had no-one to help me with DS when I had PND, so had to get DH to stay home from work a lot, and where all these problems stemmed from.

I have no income of my own, how can I get somewhere to live? Even if we sold our house, neither of us would have enough to buy somewhere of our own. If I asked DH to leave, he also has no relatives to stay with and couldn't afford to rent somewhere and continue to pay the mortgage on our house.

I just don't know where to start.
I don't understand how people with little or no income ever manage to get out of unhappy relationships.

Thank you so much for all your help, all of you. Dh has gone away for the week with his job today, so I will try to have a 'quiet' week to pull myself together and think properly about things.

Custardo and thumbwitch you are both right.thumbwitch, you have described the situation to a tee, even down to him not having a diagnosis to 'let' him feel bad. It is so true. It is not his fault, he isn't an abusive man, it is the situation that has ground us both down and it is all blown out of persepective.

Relate were brilliant, I really felt the counsellor could see straightaway what I'd been trying to get DH to understand. Even DH thought it helped, and he's not normally someone who would even consider counselling.
The counsellor put it all into perspective; we established that basically we both still care for each other,and deep down neither of us really want to separate. We want to be happy together for DS, but we have a big problem communicating about this issue and it has forced a huge wedge between us.

We're fine bumbling along talking about and dealing with the mundane stuff of family life. But we don't talk about how we deal with my 'bad days' until I'm having a bad 'can't cope' day- and then it all kicks off. Then we have a few tense days when we walk on eggshells with each other and this is when I usually think, 'I can't keep doing this, neither of us can take this anymore'and then it just sort of gets pushed under the carpet till the next time.

We were much better when we were seeing the relate counsellor, and for a few weeks afterwards. She was brilliant at showing us both how the way we talked to each other was causing so much of the problem. thumbwitch, the 'yes, but' thing was/is something I do a lot. But we have lapsed because of outside pressures (lots of problems with my dad going into a nursing home, Dad's been very unhappy about it and therefore very difficult, which has put enormous strain on me, which impacts then on DH.) So we didn't keep up with our communication exercises and now it feels like I can't even remember what the counsellor said.

Maybe we or I should go back to see the Relate lady. She said that lots of people keep going back every so often, maybe once every few months, just to keep themselves 'on track' so to speak.

Sorry, long rambling post again. But I think it is helping me to think straight, writing it all down.

solidGoldBrass my mum pays for a childminder a couple of days a week, she has done this since the PND started, as she wanted to help but can't physically look after DS for me. We have kept it up as DS loves his childminder and since I still have anxiety issues we need the help. In september he will start Reception full-time so in effect things should get a lot better,as it won't really impact on anyone if I have a 'can't cope' day.

Obviously though,whilst it is a great help-DS will be with her today after nursery school, so I can try to get myself sorted out and calmed down for him-we still have a problem of if I get a sudden 'bad day' at any other time. I have no-one to ring to say 'can you have DS for a couple of hours,

You are absolutely right about why DH worries about work. He is a person who hates to let other people down and he's responsible for all the IT in a big govt department.We're lucky in that respect, if it was a private sector job he probably would have been sacked by now. They are very understanding. He's in a team of only 3, so if he's not in work at short notice it impacts massively on the others and their workload. He can't stand letting them down and worries about it causing resentment. And each time he stays home he has to 'go crawling' to his manager (his words) to explain.

I absolutely understand all of this, and it is why I've always felt so guilty about being ill. yet He seems to think I don't understand- he keeps saying 'i know you can't cope but I have to go to work, why don't you understand' - and I keep saying 'I'm not stupid, I DO know you have to go to work, but i can't cope today, why can't YOU understand'

Stupid, isn't it?

No, It's not stupid, it's the way things are for you at the moment.

I think if you have the chance to go back to the Relate counsellor, you should take it, both of you. It sounds like she was helping you both.

In the meantime, when you have emotion-discussions, remember that you both have valid things to say - that your DH's emotional response is as valid as yours, even if it is more muted. It is desperately important to let him have his say without interruption or qualifying it - just as it is desperately important for you to have yours. You could try having an object to hold (wooden spoon, hanky, cushion, cat - all these have been tried and tested) and you are ONLY allowed to speak whilst holding the object (this is a lot harder than it sounds).

You can also try the formulaic responses until the meaning of them permeates through permanently - I hear what you are saying and I acknowledge your feelings. Now this is how I feel...

The "yes, but..." response is so unhelpful - I do it too and it drives DH nuts (he does it to me as well, ditto) - if you can somehow bite your tongue and NOT say it, it does help with the whole communication thing.

You both have needs, they clash, there is an apparent lack of comprehension on which person's needs are more important - in fact they both are and you really need to try to find an alternative way forward. Your DH can't be always taking days off when you can't cope; you obviously can't be left alone with your DS when you can't cope. SO - you need to find a way to help you cope - do you have any friends who can help? Any mothers from any playgroup or postnatal group who you can get together with? Any care group who can send a person in to help you out? Have you tried Homestart?
I realise that it is always going to be at short notice so it isn't going to be easy and you might have already tried all these avenues before.

How often do the "can't cope" days happen? Would there be any mileage in considering getting an au pair? Just throwing ideas at you that you might not have thought of.

From what you've said, I believe that you really don't want to separate but that the guilt and emotional stuff is ripping you apart - there must be other ways forward because I don't think separation is going to make your life any easier, in fact it is more likely to be worse, I think. Different levels of emotional stress and guilt - but they won't be gone. I don't know but I think you are having a knee-jerk reaction to the pain you are both in and looking for a way to stop it - which is understandable - but I don't think it's that simple.

Sorry, I keep writing essay responses to you - I hope they're helpful!

Thank you thumbwitch, yes, they are very helpful. You're not a counsellor are you?! You sound very much like the lovely Relate woman

The holding-an-object excercise was something we had to practise, and we were supposed to keep it up at home, once a week until it got easier. She used to give us a tissue box to hold and then we had to take turns talking about how we felt, or anything really that we wanted to say, for up to 5 minutes. The other person was not allowed to interrupt, and they had to reflect back what they had heard-to show we were both 'hearing' the same thing. Then we weren't allowed to dwell on what was said, or get into a discussion about it, but to put it aside and do something else.

It felt very unnatural at first, but it worked. It made us really listen to each other, and respond calmly, and because there was to be no discussing of things that were said, it meant we could each say things without getting into an argument afterwards.

And the other thing that was good was that she knew I had the problem with not feeling like having sex, so she encouraged us to be physically close-cuddling up together, holding hands etc, but to be clear that there was to be no expectation of sex. So I felt much happier knowing that every time DH tried to cuddle me, I didn't have to feel on edge that he'd want sex. (not that I don't like sex, I do, but anti-depressants really lower my sex drive, and DH has always had a higher sex drive than me, even before I was on ADs)

We finished going to Relate in january, but unfortunately that's when my dad ended up in hospital, and then a transitional care unit and finally this new nursing home about a month ago. We've had so many problems with Dad that it took it's toll on the Relate stuff-we never really got into a proper routine of keeping up with the tissue-box thing, and the Date Nights that we were supposed to have etc. If I'd had a stressful day with Dad, or if DH was stressed from work, we'd end up saying 'oh, I can't face doing the tissue-box tonight, I just want to relax'.
And we stopped having the nice platonic cuddles, it just went back to DH sort of slyly creeping round me and groping me (which I hate) and me getting all tense thinking 'oh no, I've got to have sex soon so he'll leave me alone'

And now writing it down I am seeing more and more that if we'd kept up with what we learned at Relate, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation.

As to how often the 'bad days' happen, it varies. Sometimes I'll go a few months and be ok. Other times it might be once or twice a week. Outside stresses affect it-so because I've been so worried about my dad, it's been more frequent recently. DH said it's like I can just about cope with my parents problems, but then there's nothing left of me for him and DS. He is right to a certain extent, because he's the one who has to pick up the pieces if I have a 'can't cope' day the day after trying to deal with my unhappy and very demanding father.

Writing this all down has helped though, and reading your replies has too. I feel a lot more positive today that if Dh will agree to go back to Relate, maybe we can get back on track.

glad it's helping! I did start training as a counsellor - did the first 2 years but then stopped because I realised I wasn't in a good enough space myself to carry on. Had lots of personal counselling with a lovely lady though which helped, and then trained in NLP (neurolinguistic programming) to Master level which cleared a lot of my personal "rubbish" and helped a lot.

I did ironically smile in sympathy at your "DH sort of slyly creeping round me and groping me (which I hate) and me getting all tense thinking 'oh no, I've got to have sex soon so he'll leave me alone'" - I have this problem too! Luckily for DH we are ttc so he gets it at least a few times a month.

If your DH will agree to going back to Relate I think that would be a great step forward - then perhaps you can also look into other solutions for your "off" days.

Your Dad sounds like a handful as well - is there no one else who can share the load with you? It sounds like you might need to take a bit of a step back, at least mentally, to protect yourself from the emotional draining.

I am do glad you are feeling more positive - that downward spiral of "it's all shit and there's nothing I can do and it's only going to get worse" is hard to deal with on your own - glad you posted on here and got some positive help from it.

thefatladysings - how are you doing? Are you getting anywhere with things? Feeling better still? Hope so