I shouldn't tell the OW to back off - right?

[StellaforStar]

Hi all
(Long time lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this)

Mr SfS and I have been together for 16 years (met at 19, now 35) and we moved abroad about 18 months ago for his job. I was happy to do so - my job was all consuming, and I'm loving feeling human again. We've met a fab group of ex pats and socialise like it's the first year at uni. Therein lies the problem, of sorts.

We had a mad few months at the end of last year, where (mostly down to me driving it) we decided it wouldn't hurt our relationship if we had a more open approach i.e had friends-with-benefits. We both met people who seemed happy with this (both single, so no additional complications). My fwb is still part of our social circle and we (all 3 of us) get on well with no awkwardness.

Mr SfS's situation got more complex. I got on so, so well with the woman he was seeing - we went shopping, had drinks - she became a close friend in a short space of time. Unfortunately the boundaries became blurred and in the end she decided that he had to decide between me and her. At first he chose her, but when he saw my devastation he reconsidered.

She and I have had no meaningful contact since January, although the circle here is small and she is friends with a couple of my good friends, who know what happened. I approached her by email a month or so ago and said that as the ex pat world here was so small we should make amends - she said she didn't want to revisit the feelings she'd felt for Mr Sfs and to take her off the ex-pat social group I organise.

Last week she contacted Mr SfS out of the blue to say she'd heard he looked sad and if he wanted to go round on Saturday he'd be welcome, but not to tell me. He did tell me, although she doesn't know he did. (He refused btw).

In the interests of time I haven't gone in to the emotional stuff but suffice it to say we all felt the fall out from this. And I know it all reads as though we're 16. All I can reiterate is we all knew where we stood.

I'm so tempted to email her to tell her I know she's been in touch with him and that she's out of order. I shouldn't...should I?

Please go easy on me. I've written this very unemotionally. I know there are people on here whose partners devastate them by having affairs whilst it appears I was playing with fire and got what I deserve. (FWIW I do think it's possible to sleep with people without it damaging your relationship as long as everyone's okay with it - and, indeed, Mr SfS is okay with me doing so, but admits he can't as he gets very involved. But that's just in the interests of disclosure - my question is whether I should tell OW to get lost!)

I would just have to ask if she got more cunnilingus than I did ?

ROFL anyfucker

it sounds like this was all your idea, and that you expected everyone else to react to this situation just as you have - ie with meaningless sexual contact and all friends together afterwards.

Which is fine if that actually happens, by as SGB has pointed out and as MN has demonstrated, the vast majority of people do not think like that. they assume that if someone is having sex with you, they are in the market for feelings, commitment and love.

Which is why this woman feels so gutted now.

You have used her. You have used her as an excuse for you to have your fuckbuddy, and your husband has used her body (and, if he's honest, he's probably has a nice little ego-boosting fiddle with her emotions too).

Your husband needs to approach her, and tell her that he is definitely not interested and never will be. You should not be there. To have you there will make a miserable and humiliating situation worse for her.

And next time, stick to swingers clubs, people who are already clear about what they want from sexual contact.

and don't forget this either...

if you get away from this with your marriage intact, don't mess around with it again < hard stare >

As for 'The rules'... well.

Some people live by different rules. If a man approached me and said "my wife is shagging someone else, I'm looking for a girlfriend" - I'd think, assuming he was telling the truth, that he was splitting up from his wife and was looking for someone to leave her for.

If I was the type of person to really want that particular man regardless of situation (I'm not, I'm very situational - married men might as well not have willies) - then I'd go for it. It seemed to her that he would leave you for her - and she was right. He did.

i think you should have a new rule about not putting it about and staying faithful to each other and not playing mind games with people

Hello all.
Didn't want you to think I'd posted and run. I am off home tomorrow for a few days and won't have internet access.

Thanks. Lot's of food for thought. Especially as you've encouraged me to look at things from her point of view, which I had sort-of done, but perhaps not as much as I should.

We don't have kids btw so there's no issue about them being affected.

Yes, I know how stupid I was. No, it wasn't because I had someone in mind I wanted to sleep with - in fact Mr SfS and OW got it together first.

Yes, it's a cliché and yes I need a job. And yes, lessons have been learned. And yes I am sorry that she got hurt. I can't say that enough really. (and I have said it to her, whoever suggested I should).

I'm not sure what more to add really. *Obviously I'd like it if this thread now slipped away into ignominy (yes, that's me all over, before anyone points it out).

Ta again. As I said, I knew that I'd get some honest and arse-kicking responses, and perhaps that what I need.

Good for you, Stella

What are you going to do about your FB ?

That was honestly a one off thing.

We've seen each other socially several times since and there's no issue there - and certainly no complicated, lingering emotions on either side. He and Mr SfS get on well too.

(Aah - on rereading my first post I see it sounds as though I was still involved. No. )

Stella, I think you put your finger on it when you wrote your DP isn't the best open-relationship material because he gets involved. Some people can compartmentalise their sexual activities; some can't. It's common to say mean always can & women never can, but that's bollocks as you know.

Presumably, he only found this out when he tried it (don't know how else you would!) Presumably, too, you've now figured out that this won'r work for you as the couple you are.

It was interesting to see that OW is the person who started the ball rolling in the first place. My guess is she's done this before, has to gain emotional leverage due to issues of her own, and picked your man out as likely to be emotionally vulnerable to her machinations.

Looks like the whole experiment's over now anyway - I think it's best the pair of you avoid her as much as possible. Her protestations of "It's too painful" are likely a simple attempt to reel him back in. I'm glad it didn't work. She might escalate (until she finds another man to play with) but my advice is to respect her wishes for no further contact!

Stella, I was thinking about you last night (must not MN before bed). I really hope that you get things back on track and can move on from this. Have a good break from it. (and us sqwaking monogamists

I do not know how some people can 'agree' to have FWB when married. Thinking about my DH shagging another women makes my heart sink. We have had our ups and downs, but no affairs as such. A friend of mine tried it on with him, and he retaliated (all on FB) and the thought of him speaking, texting, talking to her (when they use to come round to our house - her and her Fianceé)

Thinkin about him and her even though nothing happened makes me feel sick and my heart beat 20x faster. But then that could be the anger i feel towards her that i have yet to let out!

Very messy situation, but i would message her and tell her to back off.