I shouldn't tell the OW to back off - right?

[StellaforStar]

Hi all
(Long time lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this)

Mr SfS and I have been together for 16 years (met at 19, now 35) and we moved abroad about 18 months ago for his job. I was happy to do so - my job was all consuming, and I'm loving feeling human again. We've met a fab group of ex pats and socialise like it's the first year at uni. Therein lies the problem, of sorts.

We had a mad few months at the end of last year, where (mostly down to me driving it) we decided it wouldn't hurt our relationship if we had a more open approach i.e had friends-with-benefits. We both met people who seemed happy with this (both single, so no additional complications). My fwb is still part of our social circle and we (all 3 of us) get on well with no awkwardness.

Mr SfS's situation got more complex. I got on so, so well with the woman he was seeing - we went shopping, had drinks - she became a close friend in a short space of time. Unfortunately the boundaries became blurred and in the end she decided that he had to decide between me and her. At first he chose her, but when he saw my devastation he reconsidered.

She and I have had no meaningful contact since January, although the circle here is small and she is friends with a couple of my good friends, who know what happened. I approached her by email a month or so ago and said that as the ex pat world here was so small we should make amends - she said she didn't want to revisit the feelings she'd felt for Mr Sfs and to take her off the ex-pat social group I organise.

Last week she contacted Mr SfS out of the blue to say she'd heard he looked sad and if he wanted to go round on Saturday he'd be welcome, but not to tell me. He did tell me, although she doesn't know he did. (He refused btw).

In the interests of time I haven't gone in to the emotional stuff but suffice it to say we all felt the fall out from this. And I know it all reads as though we're 16. All I can reiterate is we all knew where we stood.

I'm so tempted to email her to tell her I know she's been in touch with him and that she's out of order. I shouldn't...should I?

Please go easy on me. I've written this very unemotionally. I know there are people on here whose partners devastate them by having affairs whilst it appears I was playing with fire and got what I deserve. (FWIW I do think it's possible to sleep with people without it damaging your relationship as long as everyone's okay with it - and, indeed, Mr SfS is okay with me doing so, but admits he can't as he gets very involved. But that's just in the interests of disclosure - my question is whether I should tell OW to get lost!)

Yep. Agreed. It was very stupid.

I would reiterate though that it really wasn't a case of getting people involved just for the fun of it, or under false pretences.

Okay. I'm off home for a few days. Thanks again for your honesty folks. I'm really not a bad person in real life - none of us are. Stupid, naive - yes. Intending to fuck things up quite so much? No.

Thing is, though, monogamy frequently doesn't work for people. And open relationships often do work. So the 'wah waaah, you should stick to monogamy and everything will be OK' line is bullshit.
Good luck Stella, it will all blow over fairly easily I would imagine.

SGB- your reply made me laugh coffee over my keyboard! The "wah waaah" is something I would hear from my 10yr old!

I didn't say monogamy always worked, just that it's much more simple! Of course, it needs both parties to remain monogamous to work which does frequently fail but it is still nice and simple: as in I want a monogamous relationship and if you don't then sod off! Whereas I personally think an open relationship can have too many grey areas.

......but the OP's problem (as she sees it) is that her husband might not be totally committed to just her any more... So the solution to that problem is monogamy. Her marriage was alright befroe.

Your DH has refused both her invitation, and (crucially, I think) her request that he keep her contact secret from you. Any further intervention from you would seem other desparate, or like kicking her when she is down - which may smack of taking all this out on her.

Things go wrong - when they get righted again, what would you be trying to prove by having your say?

Mmm, I'd tell her to fuck right off, really rip her to shreds and go out of my way to make her life a living hell. But then I don't agree with open relationships. You did kind of invite it but if he doesn't want anything to do with her that needs to be made loud and clear. Maybe arrange for him to meet her and you turn up as well? Then you can both tell her, present a united front and she'll be devastated

actually, sgb, the only person going "waah waaahh" here is the OP who has got her fingers burned after opening this particular box of tricks...

if I was the OP I would feel sick to my bones, tbh, because she willingly allowed another woman into her marriage and her husband he decided he preferred that one (for a while anyway...and not sure here if it has been properly resolved yet)

you have damaged the trust in your primary r'ship, OP, now if you want to continue playing around with other people you are not going to be quite sure he isn't going to fuck off with one of them again, are you ?

not a pleasant feeling, I would imagine

AF - not everyone is so insecure that they are completely paranoid that their partner is going to run off with someone else. To be honest, if my partner was to run off with someone I would simply accept that he didn't want to be with me any more and respect his decision. I would be fine on my own and, who knows, someone even better may come along!

Also, there is good evidence from all the tales of woe on the relationships message boards that, in the long term, a lot of "traditional" monogamous relationships end in divorce/affairs/unhappiness.

Having said that, in this particular instance, I would say that if people don't like the heat then they should stay away from the fire.

But I really would ignore the hysterical "making her life hell" posts - how neurotic.

poodie...I am not talking in general terms about being worried your partner may "run off with someone"

I am talking about this OP's personal situation (isn't that what specific threads are about ??)

Op's husband has already decided once he prefers the OW...I think a bit of insecurity here is understandable

but yes, I don't think the OW deserves to be vilified...the silly woman probably thought she was being all cool and progressive too

I'm not neurotic, I just don't let people walk all over me. Or pretend I'm so dignified and logical as everyone loves to do on here. I'm not a robot and won't act like one. Or are affairs not emotional situations?? What a stupid post

Just for the record,anyone who is new, you will come across these emotions=hysterical attitudes on here every now and then. Ignore them, they aren't realistic in the real world. HTH

whatever you say, peek

Just don't think anger is neurotic as I was called. Nobody knows how they'll react in these situations, I know I'd want my own back dignified or not. Wouldn't turn up screaming with mascara running down my face or anything, but wouldn't just sit there and take whatever shit people want to throw. That's not neurotic or hysterical

I think you might be on the wrong thread, peek

Either that or you are deliberately posting slightly surreal and out-of-context rantings about not-much-at-all...

I'm a namechanger on a whim. Someone called me neurotic

< gives up >

oooh, you're that couple every ex-pat community has! (the one where if the wife of another couple says your coming over for dinner, the bloke makes a joke about making sure they've got a selection of condoms in the house)

Be careful, you've only been there 18 months, you could find the community turns away from you if you start on OW - esp if she has been part of the community longer - and let's face it, if she starts telling the tale from her view it could look like your DH treated her very badly, and that you aren't any better as you're shagging someone else too.

It doesn't matter how big the place you live is, if you are part of an ex-pat community you live in a tiny village. What you do on a friday night, your DH's boss may well know about before 11am on Monday morning. (that bit of advice is possibly 18 months too late)

IO think you and your DH need to work on your relationship and you have got to ditch your FWB it is an affair in every sense of the word.

You are going to damage your relationship no end, I mean your husband has left you once, you were in your own words devastated and so he came back, but you still want your FWB.

You need to stop this, you need to tell the OW and your casual shag buddy to get lost

oh and do you have DC's in international schools there? What have you told them? You can't assume their friends parents don't know about your odd arrangements, and haven't discussed it in hearing range of their DCs who might repeat something back to your DCs.

I assume you told them something when their father left home, but do they just think he had an affair so possibly think he's the 'bad guy' in all this without realising you said it was ok?

So you set out the rules clearly... and then she decided she didn't agree with those rules, and played to different rules. You can't really criticise her for not sticking to your rules. Besides, why should she care what you say?

A more important question is why your DH didn't stick to the rules that - in theory - you and he had mutually agreed. He clearly developed feelings for the OW, and when pushed he chose her, at least initially. That sounds pretty far away from the set up you both had in mind. Yet, you don't seem to be attaching any blame/rule breaking/whatever to him?

yep, minipie...there seems to be a fair amount of blaming of the OW here

the dog with two dicks OP's husband also didn't "play by the rules"

he fucked off with the OW, remember ?

messy, very messy

and like fpt said...you are very probably the laughing-stock of this small community you are living in

dittany it is a cliche of the new ex-patter - people who get a bit carried away by the high (after tax) wages, cheap drinks (and often cheap domestic staff) etc giving a standard of living not achievable in the UK - combine it with not having a 'historic' social group (like old friends from school, family etc) and the ex-pat habit of being increabily welcoming to new arrivals, some people start behaving in a way they would never dream of in the UK.

OP - perhaps 18 months is long enough, if you're not ready to come back to the UK, perhaps another overseas placement?

I can see why the OW is still confused and thinks he really still wants her and might be sad without her if he really only chose you because of your devastation.

I would leave him to speak to her as he has obviously messed with her head / made her aware this was something you did not intend it to be.

be honest with her

you did not realise what a head fuck it would turn out to be, you were naive, you are sorry she got caught in your shit. You realise it was a screw up, but you know that she has been contacting him, and you need her to know that she needs to back off. then apologise again

you play with fire, you get burnt

how can you be friends with some your husband is being intimate with tho? I cant get it!!! I am the jealous type....