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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

slept with my best friend

34 replies

shouldnthavedoneit · 03/05/2010 15:31

im a regular and have name changed,

i have a best male friend,we were so close and spoke and text every single day from early morning to late at night.

about a month ago we both got drunk, me very him not so and we ended up sleeping together,i woke up the next morning and panicked and told him i wish it had never happened, i was angry and confused.

we agreed to put it behind us but all we have done is argue over it and fall out since,he is very hurt and said that i made him feel small and he feels like he did something bad.

i have apologised until the cows come home but he is still upset, we do have feelings for each other,we have spoken about it but i have just got divorced and still am scared of meeting another man in case they turn out to be like exdh who cheated on me.

i dont know how to get past this its awful,i dont know how to be around him anymore and he has told me that he thinks i hate myself for it which i dont know if i agree with that, sorry for the long rambling message but i feel very .

OP posts:
kittyonthebeam · 03/05/2010 15:38

Why do you fight about it?? Spilled milk and all that. You are both adults and should take equal responsibility for this event.

In what way do you fight about it? What has hurt him that you said?

PrivetDancer · 03/05/2010 15:39

Maybe you should give him a chance!

outofmysystem · 03/05/2010 15:55

you make it sound as if you feel he took advantage of you,or that he likes you more than you do him [in that way].

Which is it?

Talk to him...properly,about what happened and why you panicked....

is it because he is special to you as a friend maybe?

I do understand,but different feelings have come into the equation now and you have to deal with it...the friendship has changed and may well be over....why did you go along with it if you didn't really want to...after all we don't usually change our minds when drunk,just lose our inhibitions

AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 15:58

why is it such a problem...

nobody died !! ??

is he in a relationship with someone else ?

Original poster
shouldnthavedoneit · 03/05/2010 16:24

hi

thanks for the replies,i feel very confused i do like him a lot and he is special to me,

AF you made me laugh with what you said,i am probably coming over all dramatic,i know!!

he is hurt because i said it never should have happened,he keeps bringing it up and saying ive really hurt his feelings,i guess we both want different things as well, he isnt a settling down type and im not (well not usually) a friends with benefits type which i think it would become and i think our friendship which has already would suffer.

outofmysystem-thats what he said that he feels i think he took advantage and i havent said that to him but maybe thats how i came across.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 16:31

well, you know, I think I would be a bit hurt if I slept with someone and then they started hand-wringing and castigating themselves for such a big "mistake"

he has his pride for gawds sake...unless, of course, you are saying "I made a mistake but fuck, you were good..."

think about it

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 03/05/2010 16:34

Scared of meeting another man?

But he isn't another man, is he, that you don't know?

I think you have probably hurt him quite a bit and you need to think about why you slept with him and why you are running away from him now.

Original poster
shouldnthavedoneit · 03/05/2010 16:56

thats it,i dont know why i am running away cos its only him, he said i have put my barriers up which i have.

yes AF thats very true what you say,and his pride is hurt terribly which is my fault and i wish i could make it right.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 17:03

all this navel-gazing, overanalyzing shit does my head in

you slept with him

get over it

dignified · 03/05/2010 17:20

Sounds like a wanker whos trying to guilt you into having fb arrangement with his bringing it up all the time and in particular assuming to know what you think ( red flag for me )

Why is he arguing with you about it ? Presumably youve said you dont want to do it again, your entitled to your regrets and he should just accept that or fuck off. Dont listen to his self indulgant whining , hes trying to guilt you , simple as.

Seeing as hes having a problem respecting your boundaries , plus the fact that you dont know how to be around him anymore ( another red flag ) i would stay away. He sounds predatory, youve just got divorced, are understandably wary , yet this bloke is arguing with you about it to the point you feel uncomfortable.

He accuses you of thinking he took advantage. Did he ?

ItsGraceAgain · 03/05/2010 17:25

Fond as I am of navel-gazing, overanalyzing shit - I agree with everyone else.

What's the matter?
1.] You're single. You had sex with a man you like.
2.] You hurt his feelings.

[1] isn't a problem.
[2] requires an apology.

Off you go, now Apologise. Good luck!

dignified · 03/05/2010 17:29

Fab the op said she apologised till the cows came home yet he still keeps bringing it up.

ItsGraceAgain · 03/05/2010 17:29

x-posted with Dignified, who has taken the analysis a bit further (rightly). I still think it's courteous to apologise for hurting someone's feelings, though.

outofmysystem · 03/05/2010 17:30

AF...we are all different,it's as difficult for analytical types to react like you as it is for you to react like them,you can't force OP to react your way because it won't work.

OP...either
his pride is hurt[not that important],

or he wants a relationship with you and gathers that you don't feel the same and feels hurt and lovesick,

or he took advantage and you are making him feel guilty and he wants you to take it back beacuse he knows it's true,

or he just fell into it and you are making him feel guilty and he wants you to take it back..

can't think of any other options atm

ItsGraceAgain · 03/05/2010 17:31

Oh dear. I should read more slowly.

dignified · 03/05/2010 17:35

Maybe its the way im reading it, but it happened , op said she regretted it, didnt want it to happen again and to put it behind them , and apologised profuseley.( which was unnecessary in my opinion )

Do we have to apolgise profuseley if we regret sleeping with someone, or if we dont want to do it again ?

In the meantime pervy freind keeps whinging on on and, telling her what she thinks and making her feel uncomfortable. Some freind.

dignified · 03/05/2010 17:37

Or hes a bullying arsehole.

PrivetDancer · 03/05/2010 17:37

I think dignified has read between quite a few lines!

Maybe he really likes you and is gutted that you are not interested in a relationship and is clumsily trying to get you to realise this
or maybe he's an abusive controling woman hater

AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 17:44

I really wonder how people find the time to do all this navel-gazing, analyzing shit...

How do you fit in the rest of your daily life ?

outofmysystem · 03/05/2010 17:49

lol @ AF

that is part of life

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 03/05/2010 17:49

AF I want to chat to you.

dignified · 03/05/2010 18:02

Maybe it is me then , but if i said to someone to put something behind us ( whatever it was ) i wouldnt expect it to be brough up constantly nor to be told what someone THINKS i feel.

Its quite possible he really likes the op and is clumsily trying to get the op to realise this by telling her what she feels and by trying to get her to agree to be a fb.

Hes not the first bloke whos slept with a pissed up woman and been told it wont be happening again.

Original poster
shouldnthavedoneit · 03/05/2010 18:23

thanks for the replies,i dont think hes a bullying controlling arsehole and i would recognise one a mile of!!!

i think his pride is hurt terribly and i didnt realise how strong his feelings were, mine are strong too and i dont know why i reacted like i did because i do regret it now.

he didnt take advantage,i knew what i was doing and i did have a good time .

i apologised profusely as i threw it at him that hed been using me all along just to get in my bed when i know he hasnt,and that really upset him.

We do need to have a good chat and see where we go from here i think.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 19:10

fab, cat me

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 03/05/2010 19:10

Will do, thanks.

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