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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This contact with the OW is not right is it?

41 replies

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 10:48

Dh had a long term affair with the OW, we started to try and salvage the relationship a few months ago and things have improved. Some of the ease we had previously in our relationship returned, though I had not yet quite forgiven him.
I discovered last week that he was still in contact with her (emails, lots of them). He's met her for an evening here, an hour there.. They seem to be friends now, friends who 'support and care for each other' they also appear to have been jealous when they have seen the other talking to members of the opposite sex, and there were emails reassuring each other that was not the case.
He doesn't appear to have told the OW about us and our resumed relationship.

When confronted he told me that the OW has cancer and he felt awkward and sorry for her and had only planned to see her a few more times.

He has offered to stop all contact with her and showed me a message he sent were he tells her he will no longer be able to help her.

However, I've sent him away. This was not his first affair. I am right in this aren't I? Even if the recent contact had been innocent (and I'm not sure) it is still a form of betrayal?
Sorry for the long post, was hoping to get some perspective.

OP posts:

junglist1 · 03/05/2010 10:53

Absolutely it's a betrayal. He's lucky you gave him another chance and now he's thrown it back at you. Obviously all contact should have stopped straight away, surprised he didn't understand that TBH

junglist1 · 03/05/2010 10:55

Oh he didn't tell her he's "back" with you? Bollocks, you tell her

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 10:57

I wondered if perhaps I was being too harsh because of the cancer element.
They seem to have been in contact for months, perhaps it never stopped. He will not tell me now, he is doing damage limitation approach.

OP posts:

maristella · 03/05/2010 10:58

junglist is spot on. this continued contact under the guise of 'supportive friendship' is a continuation of their relationship. the very fact that there is jealousy when members of the opposite sex are present confirms this.
if i was in your shoes i would be giving him a very firm ultimatum - her or me. but then i would never be able to trust him again.

SugarMousePink · 03/05/2010 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 10:59

Oh I did forward an email from his account telling her so. I'm not sure she'll care though, she stayed with him whilst dh and I were ttc and I was pregnant.

OP posts:

junglist1 · 03/05/2010 11:01

Him mentioning the cancer is very manipulative. Because you're a nice person you're wondering if you're harsh. You might have to distance yourself from that part of it and just concentrate on the cheating part

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2010 11:03

If, of course, it's even true.

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 11:10

I suppose it not being true is a possibility. She talks of a lump and being worried, and later not being able to say the word that she now has it [cancer] and how she's going to need his support for a while longer because she doesn't want to tell family and friends.

It was quite horrible to read, I wasn't really snooping in his email, I just wanted to be sure she wasn't still around.
In the emails he called her by all the pet names he uses/used for me, that really hurt too.

OP posts:

SugarMousePink · 03/05/2010 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieMaggie · 03/05/2010 11:21

oh honey I'm so sorry this has happened

I know how hard it is to deal with the aftermath of an affair, but while you were ttc and pregnant is really harsh and the pet names thing really hurt me too (though he never used anything he used to call me)

You don't need to worry about her cancer - sad as it is it's her problem. And what a cheek she has to say she's going to need his support - you're his wife he should be supporting you!

He needs to stop all contact now, but you also need to think of yourself. Can you really trust him not to have any contact with her again? And you said it's not his first affair can you really stay with him? What's going to be different in the future to stop him oing it again?

this book helped me and others get perspective and it talks about him stopping contact and stuff like only being friends with people that are friends of the marriage. maybe it will reinforce your belief that this isn't right.

ChocHobNob · 03/05/2010 11:22

No contact is no contact. You cannot repair the relationship while he's being "friendly" with the OW. You were definitely right xxx

shimmerygoldglitter · 03/05/2010 11:22

Seriously I would get rid of him.

Even if it is true, it is not your h's job to support her.

He is a twunt for telling you that in any case as now you are left feeling guilty for being angry with his adulterous behaviour. Controlled the situation quite nicely hasn't he?

I speak as someone who has come up with the odd family difficulty to get myself out of trouble in the past . I think i know his motivations for telling you this.

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 11:25

I don't know if this is the done thing, but these are some of the emails:

hanks for coming last night, meant a lot. I know I shouldn?t rely on you but I?m probably going to need a little bit of support in the coming weeks if that?s ok? x

Thanks, I feel sick at the thought of having to say it. I can be strong though I know I can x

I know I shouldn?t rely on you, you have more important things to think about. I?m sorry I just don?t want to tell lots of people so I only seem to have you to rely on. I just feel so scared and lonely. I?ll be ok though I know I can deal with it on my own xx

OP posts:

akhems · 03/05/2010 11:25

My dp had an affair a few months ago.. he's back with me now after a lot of drama, but the OW occasionally will still send an email or text... putting out feelers it seems to me, and he like a lemming had replied thinking a 'fine thanks, how are you' is harmless.. She wants to be 'friends' with him too but even he's now seeing that she's shit stirring and he now seems to understand that ongoing contact, however trivial is absolutely not acceptable.

When he dumped her, he didn't tell her he was back with me either, said it was because he wanted to let her down gently she bloody well knows now tho

It did take a while to get him to see it, because he was hooked on the excitement and adrenalin rush he got from associating with her.

It's possible that she's telling him she's got cancer so he feels sorry for her and that he can't just abandon her and leave her friendless.. the OW in our case claimed her father was dying at one point (he wasn't, he just had some sort of alcohol related illness for a few days)

said · 03/05/2010 11:25

Totally agree with SMP here

I knew a girl having an affair with a married man - who couldn't leave his wife as she had cancer.

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 11:26

Thank you for your replies by the way, I do feel a little better.

OP posts:

akhems · 03/05/2010 11:31

Sorry, just saw more posts that were written while I was typing mine.. seems to me she's definitely trying to garner sympathy from him.. why wouldn't she tell another, more appropriate friend or family member? Why does she think it's ok to lean on your husband?

He really needs to tell her to fuck off out of it, and if he's too spineless to do so then you've really got some thinking to do

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 12:04

Well so far he has sent a message to a mobile phone number saying that he can no longer support her.
He said he's received no reply and he can't prove to me the number was hers.
He also says she is telling the truth about the cancer and is having a lumpectomy? next week.

It looks as if he was in touch with her before the cancer scare anyway, that's when I saw the 'jealousy' emails. So it seems pretty hopeless.

I think if I gave him another chance (again) that he'd still meet her in secret and just be more careful not to get caught out.

OP posts:

AuntieMaggie · 03/05/2010 12:07

You have to trust your instincts and be strong. x

shimmerygoldglitter · 03/05/2010 12:16

I truly believe that if you have to stand over a man and make him "prove" he is no longer seeing OW then there really is no hope for the relationship. I just wouldn't do it. Let her have him, seriously.

kittyonthebeam · 03/05/2010 13:06

I'm sorry you have been put into this situation. You're obviously a kind person and are now being manipulated. The OW sounds like a prize fantasist, her lumpy lump is already cancer but no she ain't gonna tell anyone but your DH...yeah, right

Call me a cynical b* but I think she's stringing your DH along to dig her claws into him further. She has no reason to continue the begging for his attention. He's making himself available to it and that worries me.

It's not the first time you say and I'd recommend to follow your gut feeling and let him go. Good luck to them but you don't need someone to betray you and backstab you again and again. Esp. the pet names and intimacies are really hurtful. I know how that feels and all I can say is, chin up, you will be better off without him!!

copperjar · 03/05/2010 13:14

Sounds like a crock of shit to me. But whether it is or not, he is still being unfaithful and has never really taken his committment to you seriously, has he?

You should be seriously thinking about getting rid of him.

Original poster

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 13:25

Thank you again for all the replies, and the book recommendation too.

I don't know if I am a nice person, I really despise the OW and don't care about her cancer (though wouldn't wish it on anyone), but am made to feel that this aspect made the recent contact 'ok' in dh's point of view. As some of you have said, it may not be true anyway

The fact that he needs to be asked to prove contact is over is quite sad and pathetic.

He has sent messages to me since, saying that he loves me and will never get back together with the OW, doesn't like her etc Has even offered for us to move away for a fresh start in a different part of the country.

I am surprised at how upset I feel, very silly at being duped again and not realising. I thought he was behaving differently towards me a few weeks ago, and even asked him, but never considered they were in contact still.

OP posts:

Nemofish · 03/05/2010 17:08

Agree with other posters though, Jemlinus, smells fishy to me, your dh is the only one she has told? Very odd.

I think he is totally taking the piss and you have every right to get rid of him, move on and hopefully meet someone nicer, kinder and fit and gawjus that can look over at your ex as if he was a mildly interesting form of pre-hominid. What's the Latin name? Cheatus Bastardus, that's right.

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