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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This contact with the OW is not right is it?

41 replies

Jemlinus · 03/05/2010 10:48

Dh had a long term affair with the OW, we started to try and salvage the relationship a few months ago and things have improved. Some of the ease we had previously in our relationship returned, though I had not yet quite forgiven him.
I discovered last week that he was still in contact with her (emails, lots of them). He's met her for an evening here, an hour there.. They seem to be friends now, friends who 'support and care for each other' they also appear to have been jealous when they have seen the other talking to members of the opposite sex, and there were emails reassuring each other that was not the case.
He doesn't appear to have told the OW about us and our resumed relationship.

When confronted he told me that the OW has cancer and he felt awkward and sorry for her and had only planned to see her a few more times.

He has offered to stop all contact with her and showed me a message he sent were he tells her he will no longer be able to help her.

However, I've sent him away. This was not his first affair. I am right in this aren't I? Even if the recent contact had been innocent (and I'm not sure) it is still a form of betrayal?
Sorry for the long post, was hoping to get some perspective.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 17:17

OP, you are being taken for a mug

I am very sorry you are allowing that to happen

"Might trick me once...you ain't never gonna trick me twice..."

Very wise words from a singer called Kelis...you might want to take note of her sentiments

SolidGoldBrass · 03/05/2010 17:55

Jem, you've basically got a non-monogamous man there. He's not going to be honest or trustworthy because, for whatever reason, he wants to continue his affair with the OW and continue having his home comforts from you.
When you are in a supposedly monogamous relationship and the other person decieves you more than once your only options are to accept that the relationship is never going to be exclusive, or end it. Because there is no magic button to push that will make someone remain monogamous when that person doesn't want to do so, and trying to hold on to a partner who does not want to give up his/her other relationships is terribly destructive - it;s much better to let the partner go and look for a new one.

SugarMousePink · 03/05/2010 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 03/05/2010 19:51

Jem

My h had an affair and we have managed to move on but it only happened once i was prepared to end my marriage.

Only once i knew i would be ok on my own and that the only reason i was working at the marriage was because i actually wanted to be with him did we start to rebuild.

It was a long hard journey and although we made a lot of mistakes along the way the one thing i have learned is to make my own boundaries and stick to them - it doesnt matter if anyone else thinks they are silly - they are your new 'rules' for moving forward,

I do think no contact has to be a condition though - it took my h a long time to actually believe this though!!
If i even now discovered he had even inoccent contact that he did not tell me about i would have to end our relationship. I have gained a lot of strength from knowing i would survive alone.

Original poster

Jemlinus · 04/05/2010 00:55

Ouch, it rather hurt to read this earlier, have only just come back to reply.

It's true though, I must seem like some sort of fool. I did want to believe him you see.

At least it is not the raw shock when I first disovered the cheating (both counts at once). Though I'm still very sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jemlinus · 04/05/2010 00:58

I forgot to add tat he did get rather angry that I had emailed to disabuse her about mine and dh's renewed relationship. Apparently I shouldn't have involved a third party in our problems

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/05/2010 08:01

Jem, that comment from him doesn't even deserve a reply...

porcamiseria · 04/05/2010 19:41

Its not right, and your suspicions are right, sorry

using the cancer thing is LOW, is it even true???

AuntieMaggie · 04/05/2010 19:46

Where is Whenwillifeelnormal? She's really good at this stuff.

No you don't seem like a fool at all honey - he is the fool and he doesn't deserve you.

GeekOfTheWeek · 05/05/2010 09:22

FFS using cancer as a get out of jail free card is despicable.

I seriously doubt they have just been friends and he has been supporting her . Crock of shit imo.

Get rid or I suspect you are in for years of heartbreak and lies.

The man sounds like a complete knob.

Original poster

jemlinus · 05/05/2010 20:17

One of the emails I read said something about "friends who support and care for each other", but I don't for a second believe nothing happened between them.

My first thought was that he was the one lying about the cancer, but then I read the OW saying she was going to the doctor with her lump etc etc He said he doesn't have proof but she isn't lying.

I haven't seen him since. He doesn't seem very remorseful, but has sent silly emails blaming his bad childhood on his behaviour, even that I didn't take an interest or support him in his career, then saying how much I mean to him.
However, he hasn't mentioned OW or situation in emails explicitly. I strongly suspect that even now he remains in touch with her and is being extra careful in case I forwarded any admissions from him to her (what would be the point).

OP posts:

kittya · 05/05/2010 22:20

Has she had the cancer confirmed do you think? I would get in touch with her myself.

Original poster

jemlinus · 06/05/2010 00:35

I've no idea if her cancer has been confirmed, he said she was going for a lumpectomy this week.

I don't really want to contact her again, she's quite as immoral as he is. She didn't reply to my email in any case, and doubt she ever would.

OP posts:

kittya · 06/05/2010 00:44

People exaggarate all kinds of illness's to get attention. I once knew of someone who said his own child needed 24 hour nursing care, just to get a shag!! Im still trying to work out how that would get him a shag! Chin up. I hope the mess gets sorted out. How did you find out about the affair in the first place?

Swanky · 06/05/2010 06:47

My god, he is angry because you "involved a third party" WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO THEN?!

I hope you are strong enough to NEVER let him back into your life.

He has stepped over the mark again - or maybe he never stepped back across the line of decency, just told you he did.

They were never friends, they were lovers. If she wants support from friends, she needs to go find some.

Pathetic on both THEIR counts, not yours. Well done for seeing the light, you deserve more!

2rebecca · 06/05/2010 22:54

Her having cancer would only be a valid reason to be in touch with her if she was the mother of his children and he needed to support her to help his children. As she is just someone he had an affair with her involving him as her main confidante and him choosing to go along with it and be her "special" bloke she confides in just means neither of them has moved on.
The mutual emotional neediness needs to be broken or your marriage will break.
She has a family and friends. If your husband won't let her go then you need to accept and tell him that he is letting you go.
I hope he can stop being emotionally dependant on her and her neediness and stay with you.
Being friends with an exlover rarely works, if you've promised to keep away from them and can't that's a bad sign.

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