Does any one else hate their partner's job? Or cope well with partner being away?

[TootingJo]

My bloke works away from home. I found out today that his colleagues were coming home today but he's doing extra work and is home tomorrow. It's just a little thing but it's enough to cause a minor row.

I just get fed up with him heading off to foreign lands all the time, I get stuck at home with the kids. I work too and it's hard work for me when he's away, and the worst thing is being lonely - particularly in the evenings when the kids are in bed. He happens to work with his best friend, his evenings mean restaurants and bars with his mates.

This resentment has nearly split us up in the past. I want him to have a job that he enjoys, but at the same time I hate his stupid job! We've had this issue since our son was born 2.5 years ago, I don't know what the answer is.

I think if I had a job I liked and more of a life it would help. But my friends are mums, they don't get out much in the evenings either, and we don't have family nearby to babysit. I feel very stuck and overworked and unsupported when he's away, I feel like a single mum - but I'm not!

I hate whining about this, but it's getting ridiculous that we can't seem to fix it.

You are not alone. My dh works v long hours and although he isn't away from home we can go for days without speaking to each other as we literally don't see each other.

Would you consider joint counselling? Or would his job not enable that to happen?

Does he acknowledge how you are feeling and how lonely you are?

Do you think your husbands job will ever change? It will get easier as your son gets older, but do you think you can hang on that long? How about looking for a different job?

How about setting up a babysitting circle with your other mum friends then you could at least go out once a week?

How long is he at home for when he is back in the UK? Maybe you could plan things to do for yourself to get a regular break?

Yes, yes, yes. DH is away a lot including one weekend in 4 since Jan (client entertainment!). Ofcourse I can't believe that he doesn't have some fun, out with a load of men, similar age to himself and in sunny climes sometime. Although I do see that he works really really hard as well. But I find the loneliness hard as well and ofcourse am far to demanding of him when he eventually comes home and he just wants a wind down after a busy time.

But I really know what you are going through and its hard to have a close relationship when you are apart so much.

Well in the current climate I would say your DH is fortunate that he has a job, especially if it's rewarding and he enjoys it. Does he work abroad all the time or just on and off?

Understand it's difficult for you as you have to work and look after your DS but it does get easier as they get older.

My DH works abroad regularly and it doesn't bother me at all except if there are logistical issues if I need to go away with my work. I must say when DS was young though it was a problem as I never employed a babysitter and, in retrospect, I should have as at it's worst DH was away for a few months and I never went out once; the one evening I was going to go out & my PIL were going to babysit, DS was ill & I couldn't bear to leave him

Try to look on the evenings as your time and do something you enjoy. Eat food he doesn't like, watch films you wouldn't if he was around etc. Remember he can always pick up your make-up at the duty free.

It's sort of a relief to know I'm not the only one who finds it hard with a DH away a lot. He's been for two weeks this time and I haven't managed an evening away from the living room. I try to do nice me things, but it gets a bit samey when it's every night in. I rarely get out when he's away, but I know I should make much more effort with that, it would help.

He does understand I think, and then feels guilty about the job - but I don't want him to feel that way.

I work from home in a job that doesn't really suit me, it's not easy to change that but getting away from the house more would help.

He is home for two whole months soon - I hope that will be good for us both. We're going to have riding lessons.

When he's home things are really good, but when he's away we're not a good couple at all and argue. Email and text rows, not good!

Thanks for the support and advice, I expect things will get easier when the kids are older. We sometimes talk about moving closer to family, not sure if that would help. Grans can make good babysitters, but then there's the moving stress, so it's a tough call.

LOL LeQueen - i'm sure a few teachers would beg to differ

why isnt he a teacher then if its so great!

DS has gone through many phases, sometimes 3 yrs at a time, of being away, usually in Far East or the States.

When the kids were little I used to get a babysitter every Wed and go to a karate class and frequently go out with friends from work or mum friends.

There's no way I would have sat at home on my own every night when I had little ones.

DH is away a lot at the moment but I don't mind so much these days. DS is 15 & I go out to choir practice, book club, occasional yoga & have my mates round for dinner.

You've really got to make a life for yourself during the week if they're away, imo

The secret, as i learned when the kids were little, is to expect absolutely nothing of a dh who is away a lot esp when it involves frequent long haul travel. Don't expect any housework/gardening, but throw money at the problem by getting people in to do the stuff he'd do if he was home all the time, and insist on going away for child free weekends sometimes

I'm in this gang too - not as bad as many but away at least one night every week, often two or three, with a full week-into-a-weekend every couple of months and the odd fortnighter here and there. Plus sodding business dinners (these are the ones that I get really cross about!) meaning he is only here to sleep. 60 nights out of the country (about the same again in London so no extra money, plus those days that start at 5 am and finish at 11 pm but her is "home") last year. It's rubbish - but as others have said they don't pay him for nothing
I do sit here on my own, mostly, if he is away . When and if he is home I have evenings out. No family nearby, friends all have their own families - thank goodnes for mn!

Hi, My dh works away from home mon-fri, I work fri night and arrive home at 10.30pm.
So I only really spend time with him on sat and sun.
He has worked away for a few years and I am used to it now but it did take me a year to adjust. The dcs are used to it now too.
I do get a bit lonely in the evening once the dcs are in bed.
I think that I sometimes get a bit bogged down with the responsibility of it all, the kids, the house etc.
I tend to socialise during the day when the dcs are at school as it is difficult finding a babysitter in the evening.

OP - why not get back to work yourself then, at least part time, as you feel that would help? I know it'll be tough if your DH is away a lot and not able to share childcare drop offs and pick ups, but tbh you sound like you'll be better off keeping busy rather than being stuck at home.

If this is the job your DH wants to do, then there's not a lot you can do about it TBH. I think the only time it would be reasonable to have a major re think is if you want a career where you need more support from him and need him around more - then it would be a good basis for re-evaluating.

But TBH I think if he's bringing in the only income at the moment and his job entails being away a lot then so be it - it's not really fair to complain.

Doesn't mean you have to sit at home getting bored though.

LeQ - my DH in very similar situation to yours - a born workaholic/risk-taker which makes for quite a lot of stress.

OP - can you find a babysitter (www.sitters.co.uk) and make regular plans to go out with friends or to gym or something.

Build a life for yourself when he's not around so you don't end up resenting him.

Know how you feel (sort of!). DH works 12 hours shifts - days and nights. So I am like a single parents most days and it's very difficult. He also does overtime shifts on top of his regular hours, so I don't always see him that much.

It is hard not to resent him, but one of us has to go out and work so I try to think of it like that. Once DS is in nursery things will get a bit easier (so I keep telling myself!!).

boogeek - That's exactly what I do, when he's home I can get him to put the kids to bed and go out. Otherwise I sit at home, and we haven't trusted a babysitter with getting the 2 yo to bed. Maybe I've used that as an excuse a bit. All the clubs seem to start at 8, the toddler's set on 7.30-8 bed time so getting anywhere after that isn't possible.

I suppose a bit of the resentment is that I used to do his job, and loved it. I stopped that due to the kids, didn't want to travel and leave them. Now I work 3 days and my job is no fun and is second to his.

mumblechum - You made great points. I know I have to try to find a life when he's away, and expect nothing from him. Just hard, we moved here recently and I don't have a lot of friends. I need to work on that.

Yes, I hate my dh job. He works nights upto 6 nights a week, does upto 18 hour shifts and is knackered when not at work. He likes his job but recognises it doesn't fit into family life. He tries really hard to get time off that fits around us but he misses out on, as does dd, on a lot.

My dh is in the Army and is away a lot - 9 months in Afghan recently. I have no family near here but I do go out and get a babysitter some evenings.

I work F/T too so practically all the childcare is down to me - but I knew what I was letting myself in for when we got married.

He's away now - I've got friends coming to stay tomorrow.

You have to build your own life. Get some hobbies. Relish the remote control. Get fit! Talk to people in local shops/anywhere - you can make friends in the unlikeliest of places.

I almost hate my dh's job. But the bit of it he loves is the being away (military) - at home it's a dull job. And I understand that, as I was the same with my old job (we met at sea while away for a month). He's away about 4 months a year, with lots of odd nights, and a few days here and there, with a few 1-2 weeks flung in, and up to 2 months every now and then. He's away for 5 weeks at the moment. But he's managed never to miss a child's birthday. And he gets well paid for the time away (so I pay for a babysitter a lot - really helps).

But I hear you about the evening loneliness. And the problem is that no one else really fills that dh-shaped hole. I love spending time with friends, but they are not dh. No solution, but I'm coping better these days, and I think exercise is the secret for me, not necessarily in the evening, but it helps even out my moods. And the children getting older helps. And I'm studying. That helps.

You're not alone.

OP I think it would help you if your DH acknowledged your situation and showed appreciation for you. Does he?

I'm in the same boat as hf - my husband is in the Army. For the first six year we were married, I moved around with him. Then, when children appeared, we decided to buy our own home. He weekly commuted for two years, while spending at least one week of every month away as well as frequent exercises/training conferences that meant he was away for up to three weeks. Then he went to Afghanistan for six months and now he works in London and comes home every two to three weeks for a weekend.

I don't work (two small boys and another baby on the way) but I do have some family support nearby. I have full control of the remote control, time to read books undisturbed, lots of time for myself in the evenings for the things I like to do. I've found a couple of evening classes that I go to and have made a few friends that way. We have a lovely time when he does come home but I have to say that I don't miss him that much when he's not here - I'm used to it and I knew what I was getting when I married him.

Get a babysitter and get out a do things that interest you - learn a new language/skill, take a fitness class, do something that you know you would enjoy but would never interest your husband.

DH away an awful lot too often this is weekends toobecause he needs to travel to be somewhere to start on a Monday.

But he pays the biggest bills and keeps our family secure so as much as it can irritate I do appreciate it enormously.

And my children are the most well travelled I know because we see his vast collection of air miles as a perk to be used, sometimes we have gone on his trips and done our own thing wherever we are in the world meeting up with DH as and when. Or we have used airmiles to go away. We have also been all around the UK. He has just got back from a month away.

StiffUpperHip - Thanks, you made some very good points and I do agree friends aren't quite the same - although seeing more of them would help a lot. It does help when I'm busy, so I ought to look into evening classes.

RedLeaves - He does acknowledge the situation, but in the past I've rather driven it home! Not always in a subtle way. I say, "It's loads of hard work when you're away." He sees that as, "I'm a bad person for leaving you." He doesn't seem to get that I just want him to say, "Yes, it's hard," and be a bit of a shoulder to cry on sometimes, instead he sees it as a personal attack.

Anyway, I have realised that it's up to me to sort this out and get happy when he's away. I really appreciate all the great advice on here, I hope it will motivate me to get a babysitter, start a class, make more friends and not just sit at home feeling sorry for myself when he's away. It still is hard though!

I don't hate dh's job - it keeps the wolf from our door - I work part-time and could not support us all on the pittance I earn.

Dh is travelling to Canada and the US for 10 days onbusiness leaving tomorrow. Then he comes back for 3 days and goes from there to South America for another week and a half. On top of this , we live overseas anyway.

At times it is hard. Dh missed dd's birthday two years in a row with overseas business travel, misses school occasions, end of year concerts, so many orchestra and choir concerts. I am resigned to it but my dd is older than your ds and maybe that helps. It was really very hard when she was small. At times it can feel like you are stranded on Pluto, I know.

Hi Jo

My DH is away all the time too. I have 1 DD and work full time. I find it stressful and hardwork. I don't like it but we have no choice.

Where we live there is no opportunity for him to change jobs as he works in a niche market. This involves working away.

I don't think there is an answer unless you can afford to change your circumstances entirely. Does he feel the same as you or does it not bother him the way it bothers you.

I feel for you though, you are not alone in this and it is crap!