Does any one else hate their partner's job? Or cope well with partner being away?

[TootingJo]

My bloke works away from home. I found out today that his colleagues were coming home today but he's doing extra work and is home tomorrow. It's just a little thing but it's enough to cause a minor row.

I just get fed up with him heading off to foreign lands all the time, I get stuck at home with the kids. I work too and it's hard work for me when he's away, and the worst thing is being lonely - particularly in the evenings when the kids are in bed. He happens to work with his best friend, his evenings mean restaurants and bars with his mates.

This resentment has nearly split us up in the past. I want him to have a job that he enjoys, but at the same time I hate his stupid job! We've had this issue since our son was born 2.5 years ago, I don't know what the answer is.

I think if I had a job I liked and more of a life it would help. But my friends are mums, they don't get out much in the evenings either, and we don't have family nearby to babysit. I feel very stuck and overworked and unsupported when he's away, I feel like a single mum - but I'm not!

I hate whining about this, but it's getting ridiculous that we can't seem to fix it.

MNy Dh works in Germany full time.

he's gone back already this weekend, as he doesn't get UK bank holidays off.

it's not ideal, but it's certainly not something I'd ever cause an argument about.

I don't think for a second he has an easier life than me... different (and his is certainly classier!)

I do agree with JCscot's point... I have a nanny share which helps me loads to do things with both kids ( I have two, under 2!!) but babysitters... I can't be dealing with them. The only way I can get through the night is to basically go to bed with the kids at around 8pm. I don't find it at all relaxing to go out in the evening, as I know that the kids could well be up at midnight... And I can't have a drink, cos I still have to be responsible for them when I get home.

Mine is a long haul pilot and away for 3/4 nights at a time, mostly over weekends. But, he is able to juggle his roster pretty well and can organise to have almost a whole week at a time at home. I knew this when we met, and we have managed to work our lives around it pretty well I think. Like RatherbeonthePiste, my kids are really well travelled and think their dad's job is fab.

We compromise on lots of things, all special dates are celebrated as near as possible to the actual date, Christmas is usually a 72 hour trip to somewhere unusual, and sometimes we do just have to accept that we cant go to a party or event together. I love the time alone at home to be honest, and he is brilliant at being very hands-on when he is home, and gives me loads of me-time.

I am part of a babysitting circle which means when DH is home, I can repay the favours, and lets me get out on my own when he is away. We are also lucky with parents so we do get away for couply nights out too.

This has all taken a lot of work and effort on both parts. Partners who work away need to be seen to be grateful for the understanding from their partner at home. And the at home one needs to not bitch and whinge too much!

Ok, I'm probably going to get a load of abuse for this. But as a single parent, who works full time and keeps all the plates spinning with bills, mortgage, childcare, etc etc, I am really getting hacked off with married/coupled people who compare their 'lot' in life with mine. With the greatest respect, when your partner is away, works long hours or travels for work, it is NOT just like being a single parent! Granted, time away from your partner can be tiring, lonely etc. BUT the big differences are:

1. Your DH/DP does return home. You do get to see them and have time with them even if it is not as often as you like.
2. Whilst they are away, they are EARNING money. This helps YOU to decide how much/if you want to work yourself. It puts food on the table and clothes on you and your children's backs. Hell, it even means that you can afford those nanny shares and babsitters that have been mentioned here. So, ultimately, it gives you CHOICES about what to do with your time, (evenings or otherwise), when your DP/DH is away.
3. When your DH/P does return, you have another adult in the house who can help you out with anything and everything. They can help cook. They can take the kids to the park giving you a breather for half an hour, even if you only spend that half hour revelling in the novelty of cooking a meal without someone clinging on to your leg. They might even give the kids breakfast so you can have a wee lie in. The presence, however briefly, of another adult to whom you do not feel indebted when they care for your children (ie it is as much their responsibility as it is yours) is a luxury and a gift indeed. Take it from someone who has hardly had a solo pee for 19 months, and who feels endless guilt and gratitude whenever friends/family do take my dd for a while!
4. Finally, wherever they are, one might hope that, as your DH/P, they are thinking of you, calling to check up, and CARING about you. So yes, you are alone at the time, and no doubt missing them, but believe me, that is not LONELINESS. Its nothing like loneliness, believe me.

Nah... No abuse from me, MiniMouse - I agree with you.

I'm lucky to have a DH who puts his kids / family first (he has kids from another marriage too) and providing for his kids, his ex-P and me is his no. 1 concern.

I may spend a lot of time on my own with my kids, but I'm very fortunate to have choices (as you say) and to have a DH who comes home to us when he can.

Mind you, I'd like his Ex-P (who he tries so hard to provide for) might actually be thankful for...oh, I dunno... an HOUR or so! She, almost certainly, would consider herself a LONE PARENT (tho, she is not, as my DH provides everything - financially, emotionally and physically - for his DDs) and has a F/T au pair to help her with her 'chores' (a luxury I can't afford)

Oh, and she's not lonely either... she has a rather serious BF we are supposed to know nothing about

I understand and can relate to all your points minimousse. However, I was a single mum for several years and for me I didn't find it lonely at all. Having no partner, I had no-one to miss and actually enjoyed my freedom! I guess I was lucky in this.

Now dp works away from time to time and I actually find being alone worse than I did when I was a single parent. I simply miss him, not so much for his practical input (which is not great anyway!) but just for his company.

MiniMousse,

I think you are making asumptions about many people's couple relationships.

Whilst I agree many single parents are hard up, don't get a break etc. equally some have a different lifestyle. A close relative of mine's ex DH has the children every second weekend and for many holidays so she gets a total break then, she receives generous maintenance etc. employs babysitters etc. (I'm married and have never employed anyone).

You also seem to assume that if there is another adult in the household they share the parenting responsibilities, this is not always the case as I'm sure you are aware if you are a regular on Mumsnet. Many DWs end up doing a lot of work directly relating to their DHs, eg. washing, ironing, cooking. Just because there is a DH on the premises does not mean he does any of the 'grunt' work in the home relating to himself or the children.

The trouble is, LadyLapsang, is that many lone parents DO have a tough life...

It's the parents who have the full support of the other parent who get my goat up.

Harimo - I~ agree totally. Its the exceptional exes, like your H, and the ex of LadyLapsang's relative, who sadly prove the rule. I wish more men would continue to take their responsibilities seriously once a relationship has ended.
LadyLapsang - nope, I have no assumptions about fair sharing of parenting responsibilities in 'couple relationships'. I know most women take on the bulk of duties. That's why, if you reread my post, you will see that I have carefully chosen my examples: help with cooking (rather than all the cooking done for you!), half hour breather whilst they take kids to the park, and possibly occasionally getting the kids breakfast. That's it. I have no rose-tinted specs that married/partnered women have a 50/50 split in parenting and household tasks - remember, most single parents have lived on, and experienced both sides of the fence !!

Minimousse: you are right of course and maybe those of us with absent but technically still "here" partners should remember our blessings at all times. Wouldn't it be a lovely world if nobody ever complained because they always remembered there were others who were worse off .
However, shoot me for it, sometimes I get fed up when I have been home alone (yet unable to leave the house because of sleeping children) every night for a fortnight because DH is away with his job. Sometimes I resent him getting a full night's sleep in a lovely hotel (even though I realise he gets sick of it and would rather be at home).

Boogeek - it doesn't escape my attention that my Dh's ex (AKA LONE parent) always has me to send the kids over to (nnot so much now they are olde, but used to happen ALOT!) but she would (actually HAS) crossed the road rather than acknowledge my kids.

Ironic that the LONE parent has a better support network than I have as a MARRIED parent!

but, all that said, I do agree with MiniMousse. Those of us in happy, committed relationships do not have to put up with a PITA ex (and, to be fair, most exs don't get on with each other - by the mere nature of being Exs!!) and have to deal all of that (it's a tough call to let your kids have a relationship with someone you possibly don't like, but equally hard if you have to accept that the other parent doesn't acknowledge / wish to acknoweledge your kids.

SO, when all is said and done, I'm happy to accept I have a better deal.

Sure, and I would never argue otherwise. Doesn't mean I'm not allowed a wee moan every noe and again though, does it.

Nope, certainly doesn't. I moan all the time!!

DH today got promoted. I am very proud of him, but it means he will be travelling at least 30% of the time. I will definitely be spending the extra wages on a cleaner/ironer.

He's usually very hands on with dd, so I will miss that if he is away a lot more often. Agree that it can be a bit hard to swallow when they are living it up on expenses, when you are doing bedtimes and stuck in in the evening. I will make sure that I reap the benefits in SOME way though....

Congratulations Mr.Portofino

TootingJo

I'd suggest that you find a babysitter (assuming finances allow) and book a regular slot each week and find something you'd like to do just for you. Perhaps a night class, book club, fitness class, movie night with a friend or anything really.

Have you considered getting a part-time job, voluntary work or doing a course that you have always wanted to do.

My DH works away a lot (forces) and it has never bothered me at all. I am grateful that he loves his job as much as he does and is happy to let me be the SAHM that I want to be. We'd have more money if I worked but I'd rather be at home with the girls.

I don't give him a hard time about the working away or the long hours, why would I? We value the time we have together and make an effort to keep it special and treat each other to date nights and get a baby sitter in. (I spent about three months searching for a babysitter, found an excellent one so we can go out without worrying about what's going on at home)

I think if you created more of a life for yourself, and nutured your own interests you'd feel less resentful of your DH being away.

MiniMousse - I do see your point, and when I'm home alone I tell myself 'I am lucky, I'm not alone all the time, I have a partner.' And before he came along I was a single mum for a year, but in a funny way I have to admit that in my case I was happier then.

well maybe that's a bit strong, but I certainly had freedom and support. When I was on my own with dd her dad would take her a couple of nights a week, so I had a break and saw friends. It probably makes me sound shallow but I also had fun and excitement with of online dating, and shared all the the highs and lows with another newly single friend. I also had lots of support from friends who knew I was on my own, family seemed to make more effort to help too.

With friends now, no one is in the same boat. They seem to look forward to weekends and evenings when they see husbands, they plan weekend family outings and I know not to bother them if it's not a week day, so weekends are the loneliest times. If I was a single mum (and of course I accept that I am lucky that I'm not) I would probably look up a local club for other single parents. I expect that would help with the not-seeing-another-adult weekends.

Of course I know I am lucky to be with someone I care about, but it's not completely straight forward. Everyone's circumstances are different. Some writing here seem to cope well with partners away, some find it harder.

When my partner comes home he does make an effort to help, but due to both of us working a lie in is still quite a rare treat!

My partner has just returned from Monte Carlo. Today I found there was a Monaco key ring on the car key. He gets fridge magnets every time he goes away. It's completely daft but each time I open the fridge I notice that it's an unequal kind of relationship. I think I'd like to go to Italy, the Caribbean, Vegas and Budapest! I only notice it for a second, but it's not healty and I wish I didn't notice it at all.

I expect when the kids are older it will be easier to go to these places, but for now as boogeek says I have to remind myself that it's his job, and it's mine to be home. As I mentioned when we met, before I got pregnant (unplanned!) I'd just started out doing the same job as him, so I guess there's an element of regret.

There's just this traditional notion that couples are a team - in these situations the team isn't here all the time. It needs to be replaced with other support networks.

As a single mum I had other support. As a sometimes-with-partner, sometimes-not mum I don't have that support sorted out. Yet. Working on it.

If I wasn't such a wimp about a babysitter putting ds to bed I'd have got more life on my own by now. I guess he will just get used to it. A babysitter won't be a stranger after the first few times, and then I hope II'll quit playing the martyr so much.

Hi Tooting Jo

Can understand how you feel, I currently work 3 jobs including two evening a week from home and home working at weekend and dh travels lots for work. TBH resented it at first but have started doing a salsa class - mum babysits, and generally making a life for myself. When dh is here I make sure I and get some away time, and you do begin to adapt and get used to it afer a while. Make sure you grab some time for yourself when you can

DP works away a fair bit and it is difficult but the fact is it could be a lot worse. I could have to manage on my own all the time or he could be unemployed.

I knew he worked away a lot when we met so how would it be fair to resent him for it? I have a 9 -5 (ish) job that I returned to after DD was born.

Evenings can be boring but I've got into the habit of doing all housework, laundry etc. on a Monday and a Tuesday night after DD is in a bed. On a Wednesday I go and spend the night at a friends, she is in the same boat, we eat dinner together then put the DCs to bed and share a bottle of wine and have a natter. DD and I have to share the spare room but she sleeps well and it's a small price to pay for company. On a Thursday I have a long bath and pamper myself before watching a film (normally something DH would hate) and having an early night.

This means we can have a nice evening when DP gets back on Friday and we have all weekend free to spend time together and usually I have a night out with the girls once a month and he has a boys night.

Yes, it gets lonely sometimes but it could be a lot worse.

This has been a really interesting thread. Feel like its put things in perspective for me. DH and I were together 10ish years before having children and he only started travelling when DC2 came along (around 15mths ago). I now realise that both of us dealt with it quite badly. I was lonely (DS was only 8 weeks when he started weekly commuting for 9mths) so I was really hormonal. As we had never really been separated before and he is terrible on the phone and was totally focused on a new job, he really disconnected from us.

Am now determined to appreciate all I have and be a much 'nicer' 'happier' wife. The most difficult thing for me is when he is away weekends. I have one family member nearby who we see sometimes when he is away but some weekends are just me, DD (3) DS(15mths). Mostly I don't want to intrude on friends family time, although occasionally a good friend invites us over. What do you do when alone at the weekend. I know I should really enjoy some quality time with the children and really 'play' with them as opposed to the normal weekly routine. What do you do?

My DP works long often unsocianle hours and also has to attend social functions which really pisses me off. For example on his holiday next week we are driving some of his employees to Leeds so they can participate in a company footy match- and now he has to play!

He has massivley reduced his hours since our DD has been bron and will only do 10 hours max now- but he often does work at home which is really fustrating.

I can not wait until I go back to work as he will have to be the pick up and drop off at nursery on my working days- so for once his job wont be the most important priority. IYSWIM.

I am very thankful he earns a lot of money and his job is very safe and he is highly thought of and rewarded but sometimes I just want to drive there and throw the baby at him! (not literally more just pass her to him)

I find weekends hard- as he often works them and there's nothing for me to do

Minimouse- I do sometimes envy single parents or the child free time they have- BUT I love my fella and he does the washing and cleaning so I can't grumble.

I'm a vegetarian . Met a lovely man but he is a cattle farmer.

This thread is 13 years old

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