Should I help my family? (sorry, very long and complicated!)

[spursmum]

I'm in a bit of a pickle and really need some advice!! My family is all over the place and everyone seems to be coming to me for help.
Lets start with my mother, she's managed to get herself into a bit so debt(nothing compared to mine...£8000, hers is only £1000) has got bailiffs chasing her and had the cheek to change her address on the store card to mine so I get the treatening letters!! Now she is asking me for money even though she would not help me when i was struggling to buy food for me and my ds.
Next is my aunt and cousins. My uncle lives across the road from me since he split from my aunt and has been doing alright for himself. I popped over for a chat and found that my aunt and 3 cousins had moved in after being evicted( 5 people, 3 dogs, 2 guinea pigs and a rabbit in a tiny 2 bedroom bungalow!) The problem is that now they are dropping hints about some of them moving in with me for a while! Don't get me wrong I love my family but I don't see why I should put myself out for a family that didn't help me. I'm a single mum so I would loose my benefits(shallow,i know but I need them to survive) and I've worked bloody hard to get my life in order and to learn from my mistakes even if they don't learn from theirs.
Also just for good measure, one of my cousins is a "tea leafing" little cow, she stole from me when they were helping me move!
Sorry for the rant and I hope this is not too complicated but am I being selfish for not helping? TIA

[coppertop]

I agree with everyone else. Don't do it! If they were genuinely trying to get back on their feet then fair enough but it sounds like they all only care about themselves.

I like the idea of sending the threatening letters back with "Not known at this addrress" on them. Your mother is taking the pi$$ tbh.

[Catsmother]

SpursMum, unlike Sparkly, I don't know you at all but would still say exactly what she says ! I too was a single mum for many years, without any help from my family (& it was practical help I needed as opposed to financial, & maybe a shoulder to cry on too...) yet have also found myself in the awkward position of feeling "duty-bound" to help out in certain ways - which made me feel quite indignant and rather hurt TBH - and no way were my family so bad as yours.

Re: your credit, please contact the 2 main Credit Bureaux - Experian and Equifax, and ask them for a copy of your credit records. This costs just £2 - then you'll be able to see if your mum has acquired any "bad" credit at your address (you'll be sent a leaflet explaining how to read the records) and if so, place what is called a "notice of disassociation" on your records. Like it sounds, this will tell anyone (e.g. banks etc.) looking at your file in the future that the "bad" credit isn't necessarily a reflection on you. The staff on the Bureaux helpline will be able to explain this all in more detail than me, but it's particularly important to sort out if you yourself are already trying to reapir your own - genuine - credit record.

[spursmum]

I did the easy way...i threatened her with stopping her from seeing her grandson(wrong I know but sparklymiaow will tell you that she hates me and wouldnt listen anyway.) Company were informed as I have cards with them too and they said it was partly their fault because their records showed that i was there and they didn't double check the account details. Plus she has cards with the same company that were still at her home address!!( She tried to change just 1 card over).
Thanx for the help of CCCS but i am already with them and am working on my debt. Its taken me almost 3 years so far and i have £3000 left but I will get there. I have done this all without any help from family and surviving on benefits so I know I can do it.
According to the company it has not damaged my credit rating as this is a brand new property, I am the only registered tenant(along with ds) and they stopped any proceedures that could affect me.
It just annoys me that because i have problems, she can offload them to me thinking i will not notice, i nearly didn't as we both use the same company and the only difference on the letter was our initals.

[MeerkatsUnite]

Spursmum,

In the circumstances I have no doubt at all that you did the right thing re your Mother.

Glad you have found CCCS (did not know if you were aware of them so thought I would mention it) - your continuing efforts will get you out of the debt trap one day.

With best wishes

Meerkats

P.S I believe you can go to prison for non payment of council tax. Wonder if your Mum is aware of this?.

[spursmum]

Don't know and don't care if she knows about the prison bit!! Think she is influenced by a friend of hers that seems to get away with anything(ie not paying water bill, getting the kids inheritance from the death of her ex as they weren't divorced) but i regress. My dad found the reminder bill hidden in a drawer. My mums the one with her head in the sand but is under the misguided impression that she knows everything(especially when I'm involved!!)
Thanx for the advice meerkats!!

[misdee]

spursmum, no no no no way do u helpt them out with money or accomadation. you have worked hard at sorting your debts out over the last few years, and its only now your ds gets DLA and you get CA that you are able tyo live a little. dont give it all up for those scrouging theiving people whp pass themsleves off as your family.

and i will never forget the time your dad redid my shoeleaces back to front on my DM's or when he jammed a stick into the buzzer on my flat

[spursmum]

Yeah my dads such a hoot!!(NOT!) I just can't escape the not-so-subtle hints as they are over the road (aunt and cousins)!!!

[PeachyClair]

!!!!
Addressed store cards to you? Stole from you?

Well, if I were asking you this same questuion whay would you say?

Precisely, tell them not a hope!

[spursmum]

No not my store cards(although can see how confusing i sound!!)
Me and my mum use the same company for store cards(hers-evans mine-mothercare, new look, asda), she got behind with her payments on her card but instead of ringing the company so sort things out she changed the address on that card to mine!!! The company didn't notice that i had cards with them and the details were different(dob, first name etc)

[spursmum]

Just found out from my dad that my brother(20) owes her £1000 (he earns that in a month and still lives at home!) butwhen he pays it back she intends to use it on holiday rather than pay off her debts!! I give up on trying to work my mother out!!

[misdee]

give up, iots her problem not yours. i dont expect my paents to bail me out, and i dont bail them out.

in fact i get insultyed when my dad gives me the 40p for his coffee at the hospital, one day he will learn

[milward]

Don't get involved - you'll be sucked into all the probs that are nothing to do with you.

[Twiglett]

sorry only read first message but would have to say NO

someone with debts of £8K is in no position to help out someone else with money problems

also how can your mother change address details on a store card? simply advise the company that she doesn't live there

[spursmum]

But your family are nowhere near as bad as mine misdee you know that!! I have decided....B***R to them all, they are all old enough to know better and they didn't help me when i needed it so sod 'em all!!!

[misdee]

my family are good. just tell your mopther that she is your mother and she shouldnt be asking you for cash it should be the other way round!!

[spursmum]

Twig.. the company only requires that you tell them where you are moving to as long as you know the security stuff to your account. it was her account so they don't question it.

[spursmum]

Please misdee..you know that she would expect me to reimburse her for the costs of having me when she could've had a abortion.

[misdee]

grrrrrrr@ your mother, why dont you disown her?

[spursmum]

I don't acknowledge her in public!! The only time i have to deal with her is when she comes to pick up toad, a few hours at xmas and probably about a dozen times through the year.
When i left home I didn't see or speak to her for 4 months!! only saw her at xmas because the mother of the bloke i was seeing physically walked me there!!

[Blu]

Spursmum - no no no!
They are already 'using' you - using your address without asking, tea-leafing, etc etc.

I can guarantee that if you do help, they will embroil you further in their problems, and never be grateful or repay the favour.
in any case you are not in a position to help - you will lose benefits, as you say, and you already have your own debts.

Stay as far out of it as possible!

[spursmum]

Thanx all for not telling me that i was selfish! i just can't be dealing with all their problems as well as my own.BTW my mothers opinion on the money front was "you get dla for ds so you can afford it" How can i afford it with my debts?

[misdee]

that money is for you SON, not her!!!

[spursmum]

You try telling her that!! all she hears is more money.

[misdee]

tell her to f off. my dads thinks i am rolling in it, but most of my money atm is going on new bedding, clothing and travelling to the hospitals. i've gotta get to the lister next week, that'll be fun as the train station is nowhere near.

[spursmum]

The first thing my mother asked when i was applying for dla was "can i have the blue badge? you don't drive and it would save me looking for a parking space" just imagine her face when i told her i don't qualify for mobility so she don't get the badge!!!! priceless!!